DD is a loser

[icouldnteatanotherbite]

I admit to a click-baity title, but I'm desperate for opinions.

DD is 12, and coming to the end of her first term at secondary school. She's bright, and at grammar school. No SEN.

She is keeping up with schoolwork and seems to have lots of friends

This term, so far she's lost:

• Sports socks (£14)
• Smart watch (£25)
• Bus pass (£250 - but £10 to replace - not so much the cost but took me a day to sort out with the admin with a rubbish bus company - I appreciate this isn't her fault)
• Tangle Teezer hairbrush (£10)
• Forgot to attend her piano lesson at school (£25)
• A few forgotten pleas of homework left at home for us to bring in - we haven't, so that she can face the consequences (although she's managed to blag it and hasn't had any repercussions yet)

We made her pay for the bus pass, so that she can "feel" the weight of losing £10 and hopefully look after it better in the future - but two days later she lost the hairbrush. She found the smart watch again, which she'd left in PE.

We have tried strategies - so she has a timetable printed in her room and another one downstairs, to help her get everything she needs that day. She sets a reminder in her smart watch for her piano lesson. Yet still, almost every day it seems that she's lost or forgotten something new.

I can't keep telling her off ALL the time, and I can't make her replace every belonging because she doesn't have enough money for me to bill her £10 every week or so.

Any suggestions gratefully received.

I was like this I think - my losing or forgetting things knew no bounds. I’d often turn up at the wrong time of day / place for meet-ups and I know my local locksmiths well! It was known and tolerated when I was at school in the 00’s as I also fitted that ‘eccentric professor’ idea.

I’ve had extensive coaching as an adult and my strategies are extensive, but it can’t fully make up for some kind of processing / memory issue which I’ve accepted is probably a brain thing and I’m going to be assessed for ND.

i wanted to post here as my parents were wholly exasperated by me and made that quite clear. The shame around it has been heavy! It affected my confidence a lot when I was younger.

Sounds like you’re trying to support though so I’m sure your dd wont grow up with the same shame (!) but I guess if she really can’t manage this in the way her peers can then maybe it is still worth considering ND even if you don’t think it’s relevant. Stuff like dyspraxia is less well known and understood in terms of symptoms and then you can be better equipped to find the right solutions.

Do you not think if it was that easy I'd have found a solution?! Of course I do look around when I'm leaving somewhere but that's not the point at which I lose them! So for example the library card I left on the shelf when I took the books out but then we went to the toilet. The coats we left by a particular attraction so we'd moved on by the time we were leaving for the day. And so on.

Believe me I spent my twenties in a state of constant embarrassment at myself, I tried all the things listed here but ultimately it's how my mind works.

Actually the one thing that has helped me is minimalism, I take the bare minimum with me when I leave the house (often phone only). I'm about to get a key safe installed so if I forget keys it won't matter.

I was the same at that age you could be describing me, bright, in grammar school and otherwise 'normal'. My parents despaired, no amount of nagging worked and made me feel awful. I would then start hiding that I'd lost things and lived in fear of letting everyone done when I honestly couldn't help it, e.g. went to school without a coat for a week or two because is left it on the bus and didn't want to fess up. Eventually it got a bit better, though my husband (if asked) would immediately cite that I loose stuff as one of my foibles. Expensive earrings, keys etc. I am dyspraxic and ADHD (although I wasn't diagnosed as a child) and I'm a senior role in my work with a master's degree. It just can't be helped sometimes. The most successful strategy for me is just not to have expensive stuff I can't afford to replace, or insurance on the things I can't afford to replace (e.g. wedding rings). That way I'm careful with the really irreplaceable things in my life which are very few and I can relax about the rest.

Mine were the same. Did the same thing (ie made them pay for the bigger items, refused to replace them until xmas/birthdays etc to make them ‘go without’ for a while). Low value items (PE kit) went missing regularly until y10/11, high value ones (their beloved phones) never got lost. Shouting made no difference, btw, and just got us all het up over something they clearly were not programmed to do yet.

They are ASD/ADHD, but nonetheless they did eventually ‘grow’ out of it to a large extent. They’re at 6th form/tech now at 16 and 19, and both have forgotten/lost access passes just once (paid the re issue fee themselves) but the admin hassle and late mark for class has taught them to be organised thereafter. In fact they both now check with each other before leaving in the morning that they have everything - I don’t even have to ask them any more.

They will get there.

My friend who is exactly like this has just been diagnosed with adhd at the age of 44.

Worth asking the question.

i doubt you’d get a diagnosis of adhd with literally only one symptom of recently losing things…..

why are so many people on mn so desperate to diagnose adhd for everything

I agree it's just in some people's nature to lose things but I also actively employ strategies so I don't lose things or, if that's not possible, I make it so it doesn't matter so much if I do lose something (e.g. have just cheap sunglasses).

I do a checklist before I leave the house. I only take 2 bags max (but ideally just one) with me and won't carry extra stray items so I don't put them down anywhere. I don't have much floating in my purse; it's all in a zipped pocket. The only cards I carry are a bank/ travel/ ID card and they go back to the same easy-to-access pocket in my purse each time I use them.

Similar, because I was bright it really wasn't that obvious until I was late teens and it didn't affect me academically until university, and I still managed a good degree from a good university, I was just awful with getting down to longer pieces of independent work and completing by deadlines.
Now I look back, I still don't know whether the losing stuff as a teenager was just my teenage brain rebuilding or the first obvious ADHD signifier.

Look up inattentive ADHD in girls - it presents differently in girls and often isn’t diagnosed in women till they have children, as due to fatigue and change in hormones we lose the ability to mask. This is what happened to me.

I am very bright. Went to public schools on scholarships, went to a grammar school, have a masters degree (and several other degrees). My strength and interests are also the arts. I also lose things constantly. My mother made me feel awful about it, and I can tell you it did zero favours for our relationship.

Around the age she is now is when children with this can start to struggle. I’d get her tested for it privately if you need to. My life would have been a hell of a lot better had I been diagnosed in childhood.

DD has managed to lose her school locker! She was assigned it in Y7 and hasn’t been able to find it since. As a result she also loses the stuff that could otherwise be safely stashed in her locker for the day - coat, PE kit, etc.

She is autistic, and possibly AuDHD, though we only have an autism diagnosis. Super, super bright, very academic, but rarely on the same orbit as us lesser mortals.

DC with ADHD or on the autism spectrum tend to lose items a lot

I’d this isn’t typical of her, ie is a new thing this term, I would relax a bit. My DD lost a few items in her first term at her senior school and I think it was mainly due to the ‘stress’ of new arrangements, new people, new timings etc etc. It settled after that.

This was school girl me and is almost 50yo me.

just before my period I am almost guaranteed to loose something significant
I use it as a warning that my period is coming

I also know recognise this is part of adhd

it’s not meaning I’m complacent.
it means I have to work hard to make a routine and system, and if I divert from it then the whole thing goes to shit .

i am watching my kid be the same.

one of the things I found attractive about my husband was that he had great routines and never lost things.
I thought it would rub off on me.
or at least help build structure for kids but it hasn’t he just expresses his dismay and disapproval .

I'm diagnosed adhd and this is one of the main ways it can present in girls. Look up inattentive adhd/add. It's not all hyper boys bouncing off the walls and a child might appear to cope very well until they go to secondary and their coping mechanisms suddenly don't work anymore. You've discounted her on the basis of her not being the brainy STEM professor- that's an autism stereotype. Adhd people often tend towards creativity.

It's worth looking into because if she is potentially adhd or any variation thereof, she could do with knowing sooner rather than later and not when she's old like all of us other ADHD women who weren't clocked until they were old.

As soon as I read your post I thought it sounded like ADHD. My DD has ADHD and couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery!

You just have to find coping strategies. Writing lists, setting phone alarms, whatever you need to do to prompt reminders.

I feel your pain. It's incredibly frustrating but don't be too hard on her, she genuinely can't help it.

Because so many of us with it wish someone had seen the early signs and investigated sooner so that we could have been diagnosed and had help. ADHD made my life a misery struggling to do what is normal for everyone else. If they don’t have it, no harm done, but if they do and are given help it’s lifechanging.

Secondary school is hard from this perspective. I've not had any other time in my life where I've had to keep moving rooms every hour of the working day, with no "base", lots of noise and distraction, needing to carry lots of stuff and to get out a different combination of equipment each time.

My 18 year old was like this. Luckily, natural consquences, time and help with organisation has lead to a huge improvement. My eldest is 21, and last year lost his backpack with all his tech, including his MacBook with his work on it, he found it, but it taught him a huge lesson, although I was prepared to replace essentials (MacBooks/phone) just because he is autistic. He now uses tags and doesn't carry everything around with him

Hi OP you might think this is the traditional, tiresome and automatic MN diagnosis, but I’m in my 60s and was professionally diagnosed with ADHD only a few years ago. If this is the way your DD is then this is how she is. Unlike you, she has to live with this way of being 24/7 for her entire life. That is, live with it and also with people’s comments about her and about how if only she’d concentrate/ try harder these things wouldn’t happen. Which is completely untrue. ADHD was my first thought.

So yes, I’m a loser, too.

Being a bit of a scatterbrain doesn’t mean you have ADHD. It can be a really serious condition that can screw up people’s lives, jobs, and relationships. By diagnosing every little symptom we’re trivializing it for people who have to live with this often quite difficult to manage disorder.

If you genuinely think you have ADHD, and not just because you’ve watched a few Tik-Tokkers talking about forgetting their passports and feeling calm when they hear certain music, then go to your GP and ask them to refer you for testing and diagnosis.

Funnily my two carry everything with them - they are too afraid of forgetting anything so keep all their books/pens/tech etc in their college back and carry it in every day, even if they only have one subject. I can barely lift my son’s bag as a result of all the A Level text books in it, but it’s his strategy for ensuring he never forgets stuff (and he’s 6ft 4 now, so strong enough!)

I was about to say this! Punishment for forgetfulness is awful and hoping your child will get a repercussion and not actively helping her if you can is terrible.

As someone who has suffers with dyspraxia it’s such a battle to do lots of things especially to remember and not lose things and the dread and panic you feel when you’ve realised you’ve lost something especially as a child is horrible. It’s so stressful and drags your self esteem down because you constantly feel stupid and useless. You should be helping and supporting your daughter. I understand the monetary value of the losses are annoying but no one loses stuff on purpose. Do better for your child she is 12!

My son has ADHD and as a result regularly loses stuff so we have put apple air tags in his school bag and PE kit so we can locate things easily. Initially the cost is expensive but they last for years because the batteries are replaceable and cost about £2. We’ve saved a fortune on PE kit by doing this and when he lost his school bag we could locate it easily without having to replace it all. He’s not lost permanently lost anything in the two years we’ve been doing it. The not losing things will get better with age but for now help remind her as best you can and if she forgets her homework and you have the time and ability to take it to her just do it. Encourage her to give everything a home and to put things in their place asap. I set alarms for myself and my son to prompt us to do a check for everything we need for the following day for work/school. It’s not difficult she’s only young and she will remember your awkwardness and lack of help later on down the line.

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I can't keep telling her off ALL the time, and I can't make her replace every belonging because she doesn't have enough money for me to bill her £10 every week or so.

I'm always losing things as well.
Leaving them behind {charger socket on a train- so expensive to replace-stupid apple chargers are in three pieces }

As a kid was always getting into trouble for losing library books and games kit -I have lost two antique walking sticks and a very expensive new dog coat that someone picked up immediately when I retraced my steps.
Usually I drop stuff, or the sticks are left in a cafe and then taken {antique sticks especially}

This .

because the damage to my self esteem caused by loosing things and other people getting angry or annoyed has been pretty permanent .

i am only now coming to accept that i pay a tax for living.
(replacing lost stuff, getting in silly situations because i have lost stuff)
and that the way I deal with these annoyances is often actually pretty resourceful.

and that I shouldn’t spend my life being ashamed, embarrassed, scolded for something that I just can’t do .

i use a bike lock multiple times every day.
suddenly this last year i have lost the keys several times.
I would have to figure out what I was wearing. Where I had been. It would take a few days to recover them .
one time I had to dismantle my bike to remove the lock (it wasn’t “locked up” just locked on)
and then one time i had to get a locksmith to angle grind my lock off.
second time i found a builder on local building site to do it as a kindness.
both times i did it secretly because i was so embarrassed and couldn’t face the disapproval from my husband who never looses anything
and then for my birthday he got me a combination lock .
i felt so seen. This lock was the biggest hug of acceptance .

all this extra loosing things has happened since I’ve become responsible for 2 small kids schools stuff and life and working full time.
my habits are not deeply bedded they are brittle and easy to break

your daughter knows she looses stuff .
yes help her build habits
but don’t scold her.

shes started a new school .
there is so much more for her to navigate .
help her build routines.
but also accept that they are likely to forever be brittle and will break when she is over whlemed.