DD is a loser

[icouldnteatanotherbite]

I admit to a click-baity title, but I'm desperate for opinions.

DD is 12, and coming to the end of her first term at secondary school. She's bright, and at grammar school. No SEN.

She is keeping up with schoolwork and seems to have lots of friends

This term, so far she's lost:

• Sports socks (£14)
• Smart watch (£25)
• Bus pass (£250 - but £10 to replace - not so much the cost but took me a day to sort out with the admin with a rubbish bus company - I appreciate this isn't her fault)
• Tangle Teezer hairbrush (£10)
• Forgot to attend her piano lesson at school (£25)
• A few forgotten pleas of homework left at home for us to bring in - we haven't, so that she can face the consequences (although she's managed to blag it and hasn't had any repercussions yet)

We made her pay for the bus pass, so that she can "feel" the weight of losing £10 and hopefully look after it better in the future - but two days later she lost the hairbrush. She found the smart watch again, which she'd left in PE.

We have tried strategies - so she has a timetable printed in her room and another one downstairs, to help her get everything she needs that day. She sets a reminder in her smart watch for her piano lesson. Yet still, almost every day it seems that she's lost or forgotten something new.

I can't keep telling her off ALL the time, and I can't make her replace every belonging because she doesn't have enough money for me to bill her £10 every week or so.

Any suggestions gratefully received.

Yeah, also bright, but only ever at the top of the middle/bottom of the top rather than at the top academically as never could study in advance or do work as I went along, I needed the pressure of immediate deadlines to focus. I have hyper focus so questionnaires about focus and concentration I always dismissed too, as I thought my ability to concentrate was excellent. In exams I'd sit there for ages before starting and run out of time so wouldn't answer all the questions but get very high marks in the ones I got done... I only learned how to start and finish exams in my last year in university.

If I'm always running through a checklist with her, she's not learning to be independent.

I disagree. If you run through checklists with her, you are ingraining the habit until she can do it for herself.
At secondary school they have a lot to remember, it is way more than primary. Some kids will need scaffolding for longer than others, she hasn't been there a term yet.

Help her with strategies especially for things from home such as taking homework in; have a fixed place for the bus pass etc.

Yeah... All of those who have it know very well how its a serious condition. How do you think most of us learned about what adhd is, leading us to get diagnosed? One symptom causing us a significant effect. Then you learn about the rest of it.

Being on social media and other women talking about their experiences led to my life changing diagnosis. Don't gatekeep.

If ops dd isn't adhd, no harm has been done by op getting pointed in that direction.

I disagree with you about not replacing stuff and usually I’m all for suffering negative consequences of your actions. Of course if you don’t have money to replace her tangle teezer it’s one thing but if you have not replacing it or sport socks feels a bit mean.
I think your DD is overwhelmed with lots of new things at the beginning and needs strategies and time. Maybe her primary didn’t encourage their independence enough. And maybe at home she is not used to be responsible for lots of stuff. Maybe it’s a sign of ADHD but more likely it’s a sign that her life’s changed significantly, she’s trying to manage it but not successfully so far.
Aren’t you herself never lose anything? Usually it’s in a hurry, or under pressure or if distracted and many of these might be not your DD’s fault but more how she feels at school or how school life is organised.

Speaking as an AudHD adult and with two children similarly diagnosed, I wouldn’t rush to say OPs child is ADHD. It is likely just a symptom of being a teenager…

At 12 hormonal changes/puberty have a significant impact on behaviour - they trigger growth in the prefrontal cortex that is associated with planning and memory, amongst other things. Senior school and difficult relationships with one or two teachers or friendship tensions all had stress that can muddy cognitive processing.

If this behaviour is relatively new, and has started in senior school where there are more requirements to bring lots of different equipment for different subjects and a timetime table that is complicated for example, then I’d simply step in and help her find coping strategies to scaffold her into ‘remembering’.

Airtags for expensive coats/bags are useful but so is doing a daily list of what she needs to take into school (homework) and/or a whiteboard in the kitchen to jot down that she needs to take cookery ingredients on Wednesday, so need to buy them on Monday etc.

I am ND and constantly lose everything. I only lose fewer things in the last couple of years because I've developed strategies - keep a spare house key in a wall mounted lock box because I constantly lose my house keys/lock myself out. Have everything connected by AirTags or Tiles so that one thing finds another. Buy multiples of things to keep dotted around. Send copies of tickets/passes etc to friends or parter when we're travelling etc.

This might just be her and making her pay to replace things might be an annoyance for her in the moment but probably won't teach her any long term lesson. You'd be better off putting in structure and fall back mechanisms to manage this rather than expect her to magically stop and then be cross when she can't.

I'm an arts PhD who wasn't diagnosed until my 30s.

Neurodivergence can often become more apparent in girls as they hit puberty.

I don't think there's much more you can do. She is only 12 and starting secondary school is a lot for some kids. Maybe she just needs to grow up a bit, or maybe she will always be a bit like this, some people are!

Also sounds like inattentive ADHD which is masked well in teen girls until they become overwhelmed. Does she have issues going to sleep? Inattentive ADHD lose things because they have busy minds and aren't paying attention to what their hands are doing?

This was me at that age. Left my brand new PE kit at the bus stop in week 1 of comprehensive school. DM had to replace. Lost the savings I was bringing home from school savings club. Lost my first pay packet from my Saturday job. Regularly lost small items like pens or protractors.

I’m dyspraxic. I still mislay things on a regular basis - keys, AirPods, pens, my phone, my glasses. The number of times I left bank cards in pin machines and had to cancel them. Tapping or using my phone to pay has been a godsend.

It’s usually because I’m distracted and trying to do two things at once. I know now why it happens and try to put strategies in place - a box for the car keys by the front door, a pot for the AirPods by my chair.

I have to say my DM was brilliant (she is dyspraxic and dyslexic herself) and never made me feel bad about it. I felt bad enough myself. She might have told me off but I was never punished for it.
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My daughter showed no exec function problems in primary - same teachers, same routines it not hard to not lose things then.

This may or may not help-

For my son with ADHD (not saying your DD has!), part of our morning routine is that we write a list every day at breakfast. So we talk about it while writing it, then he carries it in his blazer pocket. His teachers are aware & support him to look at it throughout the day.

List contains:
Date & lesson day (eg Day 10)
lesson timetable including note to hand in homework or remember test.
Reminder to bring home coat/water bottle/lunch bag/pencil case
Note of who & when he is being picked up by
Any special notes eg drama Club today, bring home food tech food etc
Friendly message at the end.

He wouldn't be without it now!

Even if she has a natural proclivity to losing things, she still needs support from her parents to learn not to do this (which is exactly what you are doing). In fact, she may need even more incentives/correctives.

Some of the responses on this thread remind me of when “learning styles” were very fashionable. So your child is not strong at auditory processing? Then they need support to develop that skill, not just bypass it in favour of other things that come more easily.

Maybe have a word with her form tutor if it’s a concern?

OK, so I googled Inattentive ADHD in girls - the following list came up:

• Difficulty paying attention, following instructions, and completing tasks - NO

• Forgetfulness, disorganization, and easily distracted - NO to forgetfulness and easily distracted. YES to disorganisation to an extent (she's a bit untidy, and occasionally forgets things like her piano lesson)

• Daydreaming, losing things, and making careless mistakes NO to daydreaming, YES to losing things, NO to careless mistakes

• Difficulty keeping track of school assignments and deadlines - NO

• Regularly running late - NO

• Jumping from one topic of conversation to another without warning - NO

• Frequently interrupting people when they are talking - NO

• Forgetting what they have just read or what another person has just said - NO

I appreciate a quick google isn't a full diagnosis, but she doesn't ring enough alarm bells to me that would suggest she isn't neurotypical.

I'm mainly torn between a) being supportive and helping her organise herself or b) letting her face the consequences of her own actions. She HATES me helping because she sees it as nagging. ("Do you have your reading book for English?" "YES OMG (dramatic sigh)"). I absolutely don't want to be doing this for her when (if) she's at university, so I need her to develop her own skills.

Oh god, you’ve just reminded me that at about 14 I lost my violin! Put it down on the pavement whilst waiting for the green man, and then just…walked off without it.

It belonged to the school as well. I seem to remember someone found it and handed it into them, otherwise mum would’ve had to pay for it, which she certainly couldn’t afford.

I’ll have to remember that the next time I’m tempted to get annoyed with DD for losing something!

I lost a lot of things at that age. Or forgot things I needed. Having lost 3 purses in a year or 2 aged 20 I forced myself to become more organised.

You will get ppl saying its adhd, and that there's nothing she can do to improve things, but I feel you can, it just takes some effort - on her part.

Secondary school is a massive step change for DC. They go from living in one classroom, with one teacher for an entire year, to having to navigate a daily timetable of 5 or 6 different locations and teachers for each class. It takes time to adjust, and I also not a natural thing for some people. How is she finding it, is she enjoying secondary?

I would really not be so harsh on her. She's lost/forgotten less than 1 thing a week. And at least the homework was complete! It happens, also kids poach stuff like nice hairbrushes so it may not be entirely her fault.

Agree with others that you need to keep an open mind about neurodiversity. The change to secondary requires an increase in executive function and most children will have a couple of stumbles. For those with ND conditions however it is more of a challenge. They have also lost the scaffolding provided in primary school and the benefits associated with being a bright child in an average class.

It is quite common for bright, well behaved children with ADHD to fly at primary and then struggle at secondary. Suddenly instead of hearing they are doing well, they aren't reaching their potential, are told they need to be more organised and may be told off more than they are used to. Their self esteem takes a bashing.

While none of this necessarily means your DD does have ADHD, please be aware that especially in children with inattentive type, being bright and calm doesn't rule it out.

I used to work with someone like this. Unfortunately for me, I was their office dogsbody. They’re now a university professor and I’m sure they still have someone dealing with their shit.

I would stop replacing expensive things, for a start. No more tangle teezers, you can get a hairbrush in a pound shop. Nothing branded.

Can you teach her to get up from a seat and check behind her that she’s got everything?

The first term of secondary is brutal, and a world away from primary school. I'd cut her some slack for the time being...

I don’t think that is a lot to lose in first term of secondary - which is a huge transition and massive adjustment for them. Travel independently, homework etc, kits etc etc.
Natural consequences but I really would not stress her out about it. Health and safety including mental health always comes first.

I was the same at that age, always losing or forgetting things. Often stuff I needed for various dance classes, tap shoes when it was jazz lesson, etc. I think it is natural part of teenage brain rewiring and although annoying it's not her fault as such. Same thing happened to DS and he seems through it now. Checklists are helpful. If one remembers to look at them of course!

She is enjoying it. She's finding it (I think) hard no longer effortlessly being at the top of the class, or making the school football team, or being the only kid with Grade 3 piano - so there's been a bit of a self-esteem adjustment, but all fine and normal.

It's a long day for her. She gets the bus at 7.15 a.m. and isn't home until 4.30 ish (and then has about an hour of homework), so I suspect tiredness / stress is a factor too. She always seems to have a test in the pipeline, so she's being kept on her toes.

That said, her marks are fine, she hasn't missed any homework, she has friends, has joined the choir - nothing at school is ringing any alarm bells.

This was also me as a child and unfortunately me now, I lose everything, have to work hard at being on time, couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery if my life depended on it.
I would keep an eye on her schoolwork, I winged it - forgetting stuff, not organising revision, losing or not doing homework, cruised my GCSEs and then it fell apart in sixth form.
My parents didn't have money to replace lost items and certainly no time to fetch forgotten homework. This made no difference, I went without, was punished for not having things and often had to use my Saturday job money. Nothing cured me. My self esteem was in my boots and I ended up with anxiety.

“She is enjoying it. She's finding it (I think) hard no longer effortlessly being at the top of the class, or making the school football team, or being the only kid with Grade 3 piano - so there's been a bit of a self-esteem adjustment, but all fine and normal.
It's a long day for her. She gets the bus at 7.15 a.m. and isn't home until 4.30 ish (and then has about an hour of homework), so I suspect tiredness / stress is a factor too. She always seems to have a test in the pipeline, so she's being kept on her toes.
That said, her marks are fine, she hasn't missed any homework, she has friends, has joined the choir - nothing at school is ringing any alarm bells.”

She is doing really well OP!
Mine go/went to grammar. It is competitive and draining.
And yes, kids can steal nice things from others.

What I do if they lose something and are still young is to give them the chance to do chores at home and I pay them and then they can replace it.