Has the etiquette changed this Christmas?

[IncreasinglyMadWomanInTheAttic]

Usually, I choose Christmas presents for other kids - nieces, nephews, godchildren, relevant family friends, etc . I’ve done that this year and have just posted them off. But I’ve just received my 6th message in an week asking what my siblings/ILs etc should buy my DC for Christmas. To be absolutely honest, I’m struggling a bit to know what to buy them myself this year and am really scrambling around to find anything for me to give DD1(11) - I just don’t have any more ideas for everyone else’s Christmas shopping too. Is this universal - is everyone else finding the same this year? My mum has just sent me a message to say that she has transferred me some money for me to choose presents for the DC from her. I feel terrible because I know it sounds really ungrateful and it is a lovely thought and very generous but I am crazily busy at work, trying to get things wrapped up before Christmas and also escape to nativity plays etc. I don’t know when to find time to suggest/look for/ buy things for everyone else’s Christmas shopping too… Is it rude to say that? Has anyone else done the same?

Yes it seems to be a more regular occurrence at my house too!

To the extent that (based on last year’s scrambling) my siblings and I all did up an online wish list for each of our DC with a selection of modestly priced items that aunts/uncles/grandparents can buy for them. Did it late November this year. Much easier than having to organise buying them/transferring money etc ourselves.

Yes I have to think of ideas for everyone who might buy my children present, oldest is 4 but has always been this way. I will generally ask other parents (read: mums) for ideas too. It’s exhausting and I also struggled this year too. But the alternative is they buy things we don’t want/are crap that won’t get played with etc.

My family often asks for ideas. I am happy to do this as dc ends up with a desired gift. they in turn give me suggestions.

I have one relative that sends money and asks me to buy gifts. He is older and really not up to the task so I don’t mind at all. I plan for it when I make my lists.

Quite normal I think. I've had to send direct links to the grandparents on both sides, and aunts etc.

Yep. My sister, both my parents, parents in law, sister in law, family friends all ask and always have done, does my head in! Like you I struggled to decide what to get them myself, its just another thing to put on the 'mental load' 'life admin' list. I have 3 aswell.

If they don’t see your child often (suggested likely by the posting of gifts) then they will need some suggestions to make sure they get a gift your child likes. I think as children get older it’s more difficult as some mature faster than others and older children can be more specific a out what they like and don’t like.

Lists have definitely become more commonplace in my family. I do get that it's more thought needed but I think it's better they get something they want and will like rather than gifts that won't get used. I tend to keep a list now for DDs throughout the year and add to it when they see or mention something they'd like so I'm not starting from scratch trying to think of something.

If it helps, always on my list for DDs because they'll not be a waste are:

Pyjamas
Bath bombs
Bubble bath
Lego
Felt tip pens/gel pens/coloured paper
Clothes in the next size up
Books
Magazines
Cuddly toys (they have loads but they do love them.)

Not new this year in out house, has always been this way soon as letters to Santa written it is disseminated to everyone.

It's more usual because kids have more stuff, there is more stuff generally and a lot more choice. As a result no-one wants to create a storage or charity shop problem. If you can't think of anything they want then say the money will come in very useful for holiday spending in the summer or for their university savings.

Yes it happened to us as they got older and still does now they are young adults but it tends to be "what giftcard would they prefer" from about age 16. But it does save them getting duplicates, things they aren't interested in etc.

Yes, it’s been driving me insane! I’ve refused to do it for DH and made him do it for his side of the family.

I spent ages thinking of stuff for my parents/side of the family. Then I had to order it and take it round.

I then asked my parents for one thing each to buy them as I thought this was what they wanted to do, and my my mum said ‘oh I can’t think of anything, you can find something’ 😡😡😡😡Arghhhhh

Yes it seems to be more common. It works well if everyone does it, but if one person is doing all the heavy lifting on both sides (making lists to help other people and also choosing gifts for their kids) then that's not fair.

Yes, we (usually DH but it's something we both think about) also have to buy the present from FIL and wrap it. He gives us the money for it later.

I asked about this on MN once and everyone told me I was a bitch to find it annoying because FIL has a lot of grandchildren.

It's not new.

My family have done it since the 1980s.

Get your child to write a list.

Yep we get bombarded with messages from both sides of the family from about early November. I can partly see the logic behind it, that they want to buy presents that the kids will like, but it's yet another job for me and nobody seems to want to use their initiative!

I also get extensive lists from them telling me what I should buy their children and I would far rather just choose myself!

I reckon if the children are old enough to choose what they want, they are old enough for the rellies to ask them direct. Or take a guess, or give vouchers or cash or a selection box.
You can answer " Ooh, I don't know, I don't know what to get them myself! I'm sure they'd love a surprise!" Or " I don't know but art equipment/sports stuff/new books always go down well".
Don't get drawn in to giving exact links unless you want to, and don't do the shopping. If GP want to send money, tell them they can give the DC cash directly.

I find this so much better than some very random age inappropriate gifts our DC have previously received.
Happy to give ideas or buy something for them or give them the money towards something bigger now they are older.

I love my brother because he actually thinks about it and asks me would Joe like this? I can then say, yes that would be right up Joe's street or no, Joe's already got that actually - then I will suggest something else.

Oh I get it's more practical to just tell everyone what to get or buy it yourselves and charge them the bill.

But for me the love is in the thought that goes into the present. I know a lot of people won't agree with that and I don't make a fuss about it, but that's how I feel.

I don't think it has changed. My children are now in their 20s and when they were younger people often used to ask what to get them.

I think it makes good sense because a parent is usually better able to guess what a child will want (and knows what they already have). In my case, I often suggested extra bits for the wooden train set, and it was better or be specific rather than risk 3 different people all buying a tunnel or a turntable or whatever.

When mine were still at the stage of writing letters to Father Christmas, I used to use them as a prompt. Or if I knew that we were buying them something big like a bike, a relative who asked might be invited to buy a helmet or knee/elbow pads.

When they were a bit older, my father stopped buying presents for my children and just gave me money for a family treat. One year I used it to pay for a short course of ice-skating lessons for the children, but usually I spent it on tickets to a musical.

Could you do something like that with the money from your mother?

What if your children dont have a list?! Mine say 'I dont know' if you ask them what they want for Christmas.

My mum has just sent me a message to say that she has transferred me some money for me to choose presents for the DC from her.

^

Same here. Plus FIL says the same. And my kids' birthdays are over the holidays, so we've been asked to choose presents for that too.

So we have 4 x extra gifts to sort, along with the stuff I want to buy myself.

I get so much hassle from my family and DH's family for lists. We all have an Amazon wishlist and my Mum still complains. DD1 had too many things on her list (she was giving Mum a choice and still was asked for more options for jumpers), DD2 and DH had too few things on her list, and my list is 'boring'. The only one who met with approval was DS who had told me after his birthday in the autumn that when he thought of anything he wanted he was going to tell me so he had a good list. Clearly that worked well (plus Mum doesn't even begin to pretend to know what he likes so doesn't judge his choices). Then after all the complaining she says 'oh, can you just buy it for me and I'll send you the money'.

I always end up getting nothing unexpected because everything is sent to us direct from Amazon and so I have to wrap my own presents as well (TBF DH wraps my present from him). And then people say 'why don't you like Christmas?'

I feel like you do, OP - I will choose for my nieces and nephews but siblings and ILs ask me. Thinking of something is most of the work.

Many on MN think this is ingratitude though.

People have less money than before and they don't want to buy your kids unnecessary things. I will choose gifts for my friends kids but will always check with the parents that they don't already have the item first. I don't want to spend money on landfill, it's a waste. I don't mind if people ask what my kids want. They've usually made a long list to Santa and we can't afford to buy it all 😂 Or I'll have a running list throughout the year of things they need (clothes, bedding etc) and choose something off there. Not a big deal really.

I'd rather they asked than we got presents that weren't right or were duplicated. DH's grandparents have a tendency to buy very large gifts that we really really do not have space for. I wish they'd ask!