Has the etiquette changed this Christmas?

[IncreasinglyMadWomanInTheAttic]

Usually, I choose Christmas presents for other kids - nieces, nephews, godchildren, relevant family friends, etc . I’ve done that this year and have just posted them off. But I’ve just received my 6th message in an week asking what my siblings/ILs etc should buy my DC for Christmas. To be absolutely honest, I’m struggling a bit to know what to buy them myself this year and am really scrambling around to find anything for me to give DD1(11) - I just don’t have any more ideas for everyone else’s Christmas shopping too. Is this universal - is everyone else finding the same this year? My mum has just sent me a message to say that she has transferred me some money for me to choose presents for the DC from her. I feel terrible because I know it sounds really ungrateful and it is a lovely thought and very generous but I am crazily busy at work, trying to get things wrapped up before Christmas and also escape to nativity plays etc. I don’t know when to find time to suggest/look for/ buy things for everyone else’s Christmas shopping too… Is it rude to say that? Has anyone else done the same?

I wouldn't mind a "we thought of this, what do you think" check. It's doing the thinking that is annoying!

I got plenty of presents as a child that I thought were shit and never came out of the box. I do not want to be that gifted so will often ask for ideas so children get to open a gift they like. Also, for some families this must be great as they can't afford to buy everything their children have asked for.
I am looking forward to when all the children I have to buy for are teenagers and then they'll get money or vouchers every time.

My MIL and a friend of mine both used to ask me what they could buy my dd, so I'd go through the wish list and let them know. My mistake. Did they buy the things I suggested, and that dd really wanted? No they didn't. They bought other stuff instead. I wouldn't have minded, but like a fool, I let it happen more than once.

OP I’ve forgone the lists this year. I bought everything we were getting our DD. Separated out our main ones, Father Christmas's and then sent a picture to our families saying to choose whatever they wanted to be off them. I don’t even care if they give us the money or not.

It saves the hassle of them choosing and I already know we wanted it for her so less wasteful as well!

If we hadn’t done this then we would say nothing/£5 in a card or given some options for them as I hate clutter and waste and she has pretty much everything she needs already.

Yes. Really bad!
I have always chosen my gifts to give. Might check with parents etc but now I have to pick for them too.

Worse than that - my mother in law expects me to buy a gift for my husband from her and his dad! 🙄🙄

We've always done it like that. Much easier and everyone gets things they like!

This is normal in my family. We make lists, send links, pair up for bigger presents. I find it ensures that the recipient gets what they want and also that we don’t double up for the little ones. One year my nephew ended up with x3 of the same Tonie figure. My sister was scrabbling around after Christmas to get receipts and visiting various shops, so she could exchange 2 for something else.
maybe next year, it’s time to start making a list for a variety of price points, just in case they do ask.

Unpopular comment coming…if everyone has too much and no one knows what to buy isn’t family time together enough with a token gift in a stocking?

My mum and inlaws do this but I prefer it to getting doubles of stuff we already have and then having to try to exchange without a receipt. I ask the kids to make a list of a few things they would like and pop it to one side so when my mum and mil transfer the money I use it to get the stuff on their list. Both do transfer the money well in advance though.

I have always asked for suggestions, I don’t want to come on here and end up identifying one of my daughters in law complaining about the tat I have bought and canvassing opinions about going non contact with me because I overstepped

I seem to have a lot of relatives to buy presents for. I see some of my nieces and nephews only 2-3 times a year so I'd rather spend my money on stuff they actually want rather than guessing what they are into. If the parent says X present then I would still add in a selection box/giant tube of smarties anyway. So it's something they want plus a little surprise. If a relative doesn't know what their kid wants I'll give them cash plus selection box/Amazon gift card plus chocs. It's not that hard really. My kids are fussy now they're older (16 & 20) so they know they have to come up with ideas from mid October onwards or they'll get gift card/cash from relatives. They know the drill by now lol 😆 We don't spend a fortune on gifts for relatives though thank goodness. I have my DS birthday also in December so it ends up being expensive regardless. What a headache for me if I had to guess what my relatives wanted! Do people really still do that?

In this case I would just say cash is fine. The kids can have some to buy some little things that they want after Christmas and the rest can be put towards some of their activities throughout the year. I found that lots of gifts are not used if they're not something the kid specifically wanted, and it's just a waste and makes clutter in the house. My kids are able to do activities they love, such as dance, that we would not otherwise really be able to afford without cash gifts from family.

My aunt once bought DD something she already had. I felt awful when she outright said infront of the whole family "oh we already have that at home thanks" 🤣 she was only about 3!
Its pretty normal in mine and DHs family to consult with eachother first, but I do appreciate if someone can think of a few things and ask would they like X or Y, and I can then let them know if its something they already have.
So much money is wasted on things people dont use id rather know they will enjoy it and not just regift or shove it in the cupboard. Its hard trying to think of something when they do already have alot but their Father Christmas letter usually helps with a few extra things. Or give them a smyths catalogue and have them circle a few bits if you cant think of anything.

We have done lists since the 1980s. Saves you getting duplicates and means people can actually buy you something you’d like. Unless you know someone well and what they already have in detail, or just buy generic smellies, it’s so much easier.

As children get older and picker, yes, this happens more. Their tastes can change quickly, they are pickier and it's nicer if they get something they want. Not like the younger years, where most kids are just happy with anything. Parents have the best chance of knowing what their kids want, but at the same time you can ask them for some suggestions to share amongst the wider family.

It can potentially get easier again once it gets to the full on teen years, as I recall for a good period gifts from family were mostly gift cards and cash at that point - the enjoyment of shopping with friends was a much better bet than a jumper i don't really like, and as teens having a extra money to spend was a novelty. But the awkward pre-teen bit probably needs more guidance (or if your family philosophically object to gift cards)

I buy for 8 kids and when they were little it was easy to buy lego, books, PJs etc which I knew they'd be happy with. Now they're mostly teenagers it's harder because they're into different things, there's no generic right or wrong with teenagers as trends seem to vary between age groups and areas, they all live miles away so I don't see them often enough to know what they need / what brands they're wearing, most of the stuff they'd really like is more than my budget, etc etc ......but at least they all have mobiles so I can message them to ask rather than asking their parents!

I've always asked for ideas, and I know my parents asked for ideas for my cousin's etc.
That way kids don't get multiples of the same thing/things they don't want/won't like
But for the last 10 years or so we've all shared our Amazon wish lists with each other - it's easier than asking and also means we don't have to think of ideas we just add to them through the year when kids ask for things

I don't think it's new but definitely becoming more common. It's an added stress but on the other hand, i'm asking aunts/uncles for ideas for their kids too. Feel it is a bit ridiculous, i'm telling them what to buy my kids so they can buy and wrap it and they're telling me what to get their kids. We would all be better just stopping the gifts and buying our own 🙈

That is the most exhausting part of my Christmas - giving everyone ideas for things to buy for everyone else! My in-laws always want the tiniest detail too - it would be easier to buy them myself but I stick to my guns 😅

This isn’t a new thing. I found this happened as the children got older and had more specific interests people would ask rather than just buy what they thought they would like. If you can’t think of things maybe pool contributions together for a bigger purchase. I did this with annual passes to a local attraction.

I prefer it if people ask as if we a list what feels like a mile long for both of our DC, we can pass a couple of those on to other people. At least that way you know that they will get something that they have asked for and it reduces the risk of duplicates

Exactly this. It’s easy to think of things a younger child you don’t see very often might like. It’s much harder with an 11 year old. And surely if you’re struggling to think what to give them as a Christmas present, and you’re her parent, you can see why it’s impossible for other people to guess?

I'd rather know for other kids or give ideas for mine. I have 2 boys and the amount of times they've been bought marvel related things for birthdays and Christmas that go untouched is a lot. (Some bought by close relatives who should have known they had no interest in marvel!) so I'd rather give an idea at least of what they enjoy so people don't end up wasting their money.

I have done this since DD was born. Will do a list of things she wants/needs and then people will tell me their budget and I’ll send them stuff that fits. It’s still a surprise for DD but it saves stress for everyone else.

I was always taught that the joy was in giving and it was the thought that counts. It feels so transactional to be asked what to buy, but this is what DH’s family does. They also will specify exactly what they want. What on earth is the point? It takes the joy out of Christmas and feels like one big Amazon transaction.