Has the etiquette changed this Christmas?

[IncreasinglyMadWomanInTheAttic]

Usually, I choose Christmas presents for other kids - nieces, nephews, godchildren, relevant family friends, etc . I’ve done that this year and have just posted them off. But I’ve just received my 6th message in an week asking what my siblings/ILs etc should buy my DC for Christmas. To be absolutely honest, I’m struggling a bit to know what to buy them myself this year and am really scrambling around to find anything for me to give DD1(11) - I just don’t have any more ideas for everyone else’s Christmas shopping too. Is this universal - is everyone else finding the same this year? My mum has just sent me a message to say that she has transferred me some money for me to choose presents for the DC from her. I feel terrible because I know it sounds really ungrateful and it is a lovely thought and very generous but I am crazily busy at work, trying to get things wrapped up before Christmas and also escape to nativity plays etc. I don’t know when to find time to suggest/look for/ buy things for everyone else’s Christmas shopping too… Is it rude to say that? Has anyone else done the same?

It's normal and has been for years.

Amaz n is your friend here.

My go to when family ask is always pyjamas/voucher/art stuff

That's quite normal, but if your family and friends are asking for the first time this year, it could be that money is tight and they want to make sure they get something that's appreciated.

I wish my family would do that... That would avoid age / size unsuitable presents 🤣 so now I make sure ahead of time to give update on the current clothes sizes and interests. I'm your situation I would make a customisable message to cheerfully put that info together... Something like : Thanks you for asking about presents for Alice and Jeremy, that's very kind! I'm struggling myself to think of anything but here are some up to date info that can help. Alice is currently a size (top/bottom/shoe) and Jeremy (top/bottom/shoe). Something snuggly wold I'm sure be a hit. Still both keen on cartoon characters/dinosaurs/whatever but they have declared being too old for xxxxxxxxx. Alice has just devoured this book series and Jeremy still favours factual books.
Favourite sport team/music/etc:
(Equally important: the no go/uncool stuff to avoid or the stuff they don't need more of... And any allergies.)
They both love surprises and always enjoy cool socks, crafting supplies (please avoid loose glitter), colouring book, days out, toiletries, sweets, chocolate. We look forward to seeing you at granny Audrey. Kisses Clarisse and Jonathan

Bonus point if for each recipient you can mention something the child/children really enjoyed with/from that person... (Outing/present/whatever) to stir them in the right direction ☺️

Disclaimer: totally not my family 🤣

It’s people passing on the mental load. I can’t handle it. I’ve had so many messages asking what to get DD and I can’t even figure out how to get through a day without having a meltdown over something, never mind do some else’s Christmas thinking 😭

If you are having meltdowns that are exacerbated by someone asking what you child would like as a Christmas present, then you need help.

I’m torn on this one.

On the one hand, it is passing on the mental load.

On the other hand, if you live separately from the dc for whom you are buying presents, and are not familiar with preferences which can change often, then it’s really difficult to buy the right thing sometimes.

And it’s not so much that etiquette has changed but the stakes are higher. Presents cost a lot more. We are buying more of them. Postage costs have increased. No one can afford to waste money nowadays or likes the idea of a present sitting unused or not played with.

Tbh when my dc were young, I sent a list of presents of different values to my parents and siblings, and they in turn communicated between themselves and usually bought one thing from the list and a small fun present they had thought of themselves. I sent all of them one e-mail at the beginning of October, so it only took about 15 mins. After that it was up to them.

@OnlySlightly I think the phrase you appear to unaware of is 'the straw that broke the donkey's back'.

In December I get annoyed about random things that some bloke has decided to do in December when it could just as easily be done in November or January when I (and all the other mothers) have more headspace. Like parents evening at school (thankyou male headmaster) or work moving from googlemail to outlook (thankyou male IT person). Both of which are no big deal any other time of year but are just extra hassle when I don't need it because unlike that male headmaster and IT person I'm really rather busy in December making it fucking magical for other people.

I have to give suggestions for my DH and children. It's a hassle and really difficult but I do think it's the best way. Their aunts, uncles, and grandparents really have no idea and buy things they just don't like. I hate people wasting their money, and it's not very sustainable to buy stuff that won't be used.

My DC really hated this, when I asked them for ideas - as relatives wouldn't do that themselves, they would just sigh and say, I don't want much, but I'd just like grandma/nanna/etc to choose something for me because they thought I might like it 🙁

In the end I decided to become a human shield to the whole shenanigans and took something off my bloody list (that I'd spent ages putting together) and let them give/take the credit for that.

DC are older now, so are grateful for the money they get now, but the thought of someone actually choosing something for them when they were younger really did mean something to them.

That's nice but not my experience at all. My children wanted specific things and if grandma does choose something, then 99% of the time it's not to their liking!

Agreed @SallyWD

if you live separately from the dc for whom you are buying presents, and are not familiar with preferences which can change often, then it’s really difficult to buy the right thing

Completely agree with this.

As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't take up "more headspace", but, if anything it frees up headspace, as I don't have to try and guess what nieces and nephews want, but can just click on a link and know I am getting them something they actually want. Coming up with lists of what my dc need or want, is FAR easier than guessing what other dc I don't live with, and who might be of an age I'm not familiar with what's 'in' at the moment, want.

But there is no help. That's why some of us are struggling

This year I have bought presents for my own kids from myself (and their dad), I’ve bought all my presents to give to the rest of the family. I have bought all the gifts off my grandparents for my kids, myself and my husband, including 2 click and collects that had me driving miles. I’ve given separate lists to all other family members as they can’t coordinate buying off the same list and then I was accused of giving “better” gifts to others. I’ve also provided ideas for gifts for myself and my husband. There’s barely a single item being given over Xmas that I haven’t had to sort in some way. Xmas is exhausting to me!

Yes, we all swap ideas for kids throughout November usually with a £20 budget for aunts/uncles gifts for kids. I usually buy my children's gifts for my mum and dad and they wrap them. Once I have thought of ideas for everyone else I have to do my own shopping. Knackered.

I’d much rather my DC got presents they’ll like and use, and that I got family presents they’ll like and use. I suppose it depends whether you think presents are about the giver or the recipient.

I don't have children. I always ask the parents what to buy. I don't want them to end up with duplicates/ stuff they don't have space for/ things the children have no interest in.

I used to have to buy, wrap and bring down presents for my children from the in-laws.

Eventually I left it up to DH who asks for vouchers or cash only.

Cold. But I am extremely busy at work at this time of year. So just can't be doing jobs for retired people who are perfectly healthy and have loads of time.

You're totally right I would have no issue with this.

My issue is actually having to buy the stuff from them.