Fed up of being treated like I am worthless and a drain on society because I don't work

[elliejjtiny]

Dh works. He used to have a well paid job but he took a pay cut so he could be more flexible for the dc who have SEN and multiple hospital appointments. I am carer to 10 year old ds who has autism and emotional development delay. He is considered "high functioning" but he receives high rate dla and he is in mainstream school with part time 1-1. This is going to be increased to full time 1-1 when he starts secondary school. In a lot of ways he is like a very intelligent toddler, especially with maths.

PIL came round today. They provide regular childcare for SIL's dc but have looked after my son probably about 5 times in the last 10 years. And never for very long. Because he is difficult. That's fine by me. But then they criticise me for not working. It's not just me,( actually they moan about me a lot less these days because they know I will argue with them and point out that they won't look after ds, school struggle with him so how am I supposed to work) , they go on and on about "people on benefits" and they assume things that are just not true like they think everyone on universal credit gets free holidays and they say the benefit system is more than generous and that people should stop moaning and get a job. Fil has been telling me with glee that one day ds won't need me to care for him and I will have to get a job. To me that's like telling a blind person that one day they will be able to see and they will have to give up their white stick. I would be more than happy to work if ds didn't need me to look after him.

I know sil thinks I should be working (although how, I have no idea) and every so often I keep thinking that maybe other people think this too. I've always said that when ds sleeps through the night I will try and go back to work part time but that hasn't happened yet.

Yet seems unable to be on the receiving end !

Take the kid with her, as if feeding your children is a reason to not work. Layabout!

A very good point! Newborns sleep loads - couldn't you have done a couple of shifts while they were napping @Goodtogossip?

The thing is, no one has appointed you as the judge here.
The OP doesn’t have to answer you more than she already has.

So either you believe her and accept this is how her life is.
Or you dint and prefer to hold tight onto your prejudices that say that it’s not possible the OP has more to do that you have.
(Unless it’s jealousy??)

Either way, you need to let go.

I paid my own TAX which in turn entitles me to financial help when required. Are you happy to pay tax for a person who is able to work that choses not to?

You do realise the vast majority of those who claim carers allowance have worked and paid their own taxes at some point ?!

If you’re so knowledgeable and an authority (as your posts seem to suggest) on whether parents of disabled children can work, why do you need examples ? Surely before posting in one of the most offensive and authoritative ways I’ve actually ever seen on MN (and that’s saying something) you would make sure that you have your facts in front of you. And that those facts were based in personal experience of your own. Which you don’t have. So you have absolutely no grounds on which to judge anyone else.

Her family know how her life is & they don't approve of her not working so my question was, is it her choice not to work or is she unable to work?

Are you assuming the OP has never paid any taxes and nor has her dh?!? 🤯🤯

Chooses not to because they’re caring for a disabled child?

All day long, yeah. Happy to contribute to that with my TAX (not sure why we need to shout it).

You've been demanding it throughout the thread. Just because you didn't outright say 'I demand' makes no difference, it's been clear you have in some way felt entitled to this information. No one on this thread has to justify themselves to you. Despite that, several people have gone to the trouble of answering your points in great detail. Information they didn't owe you, that was probably painful to share. And you have 'thanked' them and then carried right on claiming not to understand the issue. At this point it's clear to everyone on here that you are not posting in good faith.

Enjoy polishing that halo. Everyone on this thread can see your posts for what they are.

Yep. And most benefit claimants are also tax payers. OP’s own husband works and pays tax. Which makes them just as entitled as you to claim financial help when required. That’s what the benefits system is for. And as has been pointed out several times before, unpaid carers like OP are saving the tax payer a fortune. A fact that you continue to ignore in your posts - mainly because it blows your narrative out of the water. You don’t seem very bright. Judgmental but not very bright.

By saying I feel those able to work should work is not judging, it's my own personal opinion which I'm entitled to. I've said in other posts that if a parent can't work it's totally different & I agree they should receive financial help.

So you’d rather believe her family rather than the OP? Even though you’ve never met them, talk to them or anything else for that matter. They are, in your opinion, more reliable and trustworthy??

You know what I’ve had similar discussions with my parents. Big screams of benefits scroungers, we’re paying too much fur all these people and if people struggle, well that’s life. They’ll have to cope.
They were talking about disabled people. In front of me who is disabled and housebound.

Apparently when pulled up on it, I get the ‘oh but with you, its different’.
My arse.

You’re just the same. So attached to your idea that too many people are using the system to excess that you can’t cope with the idea that some people DO NEED support.
Really doesn’t reflect well on you tbh.

Are you suggesting that anyone who earns under the tax threshold shouldn't be entitled to any maternity pay, out of interest? It's not the "TAX" (as you keep putting it) that entitles you.

Someone who is a full time carer for a child who has significant care needs - yes I am bloody happy to pay my taxes to support them. That is what they're for. I would bet OP's DH pays at least as much in tax as she gets back in carers allowance, by the way. Does that make it ok? Would it be ok if OP worked for 10 years paying tax before claiming carers allowance?

You have a really interesting concept of "choice", btw. You could have chosen to go back to work 2 weeks after having a baby, but you didn't. I could choose to work 3 FT jobs, but I don't. It's all a "choice", in theory. Some of the options just really don't work in some circumstances, and it's not reasonable to expect them to.

Who decides who "can" work?

What I take from this post is that a lot of parents with SEN children can't answer why they can't work & are choosing not to work. Those that have answered truthfully explaining things have made me understand the reasons why they can't work. However, it seems that parents can work & chose to even though they have the difficulties that having a SEN child entails. That is what I don't understand. Why those parents get away with choosing not to work.

I actually think @Goodtogossip is just a really entitled person.

Except you’ve had many answers already that you’ve chosen to reject as not good enough.

Making your posts are judgement rather than an opinion.

Clearly @Goodtogossip decides!!!

The person of course. If you're fit & able to work you'd know it. If not then a Dr should be able to say why they can't work.

You’re romanticising what working as a SEN parent involves.

Those who make that choice (like me) don’t do it lightly. It’s genuinely exhausting to juggle both, and takes a huge detrimental toll on your health. We also have a huge amount of flexibility and support that others don’t have; and it’s still tough.

Those of us who do, can completely understand why someone wouldn’t.

@Goodtogossip it doesn’t really make much difference if she decides to work or not. If she somehow manages to get a part-time job that fits around school hours (likely min wage) then she will still be entitled to all the DLA and likely carers allowance as well. 🤷‍♀️

I have a SEN child in school and choose to work round his school hours. The job is min wage and I can only do limited hours as I have to drop off and collect from school. This means I still receive DLA, I still receive carers allowance and don’t earn enough to pay any taxes.

So working there just means a little extra money for myself, nobody else in society benefits from me having that job. It makes no difference whether I as an SEN parent ‘choose to’ work or not.

@Goodtogossip is also Ignorant through the privilege of not being a SEN parent as well . I would never judge another’s situation that I knew nothing about it’s really sad that some people feel the need to. Those who get benefits for caring take nothing from anyone else and are doing such a huge service to society caring for disabled dc which if they couldn’t do any more would cost the government huge amounts.

Someone who is a full time carer and in receipt of carer's allowance (which OP may or may not receive), under the rules set out by the DWP - DOES NOT HAVE TO LOOK FOR WORK.