Fed up of being treated like I am worthless and a drain on society because I don't work

[elliejjtiny]

Dh works. He used to have a well paid job but he took a pay cut so he could be more flexible for the dc who have SEN and multiple hospital appointments. I am carer to 10 year old ds who has autism and emotional development delay. He is considered "high functioning" but he receives high rate dla and he is in mainstream school with part time 1-1. This is going to be increased to full time 1-1 when he starts secondary school. In a lot of ways he is like a very intelligent toddler, especially with maths.

PIL came round today. They provide regular childcare for SIL's dc but have looked after my son probably about 5 times in the last 10 years. And never for very long. Because he is difficult. That's fine by me. But then they criticise me for not working. It's not just me,( actually they moan about me a lot less these days because they know I will argue with them and point out that they won't look after ds, school struggle with him so how am I supposed to work) , they go on and on about "people on benefits" and they assume things that are just not true like they think everyone on universal credit gets free holidays and they say the benefit system is more than generous and that people should stop moaning and get a job. Fil has been telling me with glee that one day ds won't need me to care for him and I will have to get a job. To me that's like telling a blind person that one day they will be able to see and they will have to give up their white stick. I would be more than happy to work if ds didn't need me to look after him.

I know sil thinks I should be working (although how, I have no idea) and every so often I keep thinking that maybe other people think this too. I've always said that when ds sleeps through the night I will try and go back to work part time but that hasn't happened yet.

Some people are just thick and small minded OP. They never have a solution when you say why you can't. They are well aware of your situation, they just like being gleeful and spiteful.
I loved going back to work once my kids were at school and sleeping through etc. It was a break and so much easier!

You’re not worthless and a drain on society because of all you do for your son and other children also. Anyone telling you or implying this is massively overstepping boundaries. That does need to be sorted..a conversation, letter even, there should not be this kind of conflict and disrespect with families. Wishing you luck.

What has me being deaf have to do with this thread? No one is having to hear anything?

Now you're being deliberately obtuse.

I am very sorry to hear you did 12 hour shifts, 7 days a week when your baby was so young and not sleeping.

I find experiences like often go two ways. People either think that was so hard, I hope other people dont have to go through that or it sort of brutalises them and makes them want everyone to suffer.

I'm not stupid at all, your assumptions are very wrong.

I am a Mum who return to work when my child was 14 weeks old.

I got them up in the morning, dressed & fed & travelled by bus to take them to daycare. I then did a 12 hour shift after a sleepless night up with baby.

I collected child from daycare got home to make evening meal, feed baby bath them & prepare them for bed. Putting on creams & moisturisers for their skin condition.

I worked 5 days a week & weekends were spent cleaning my home, grocery shopping & generally caring for my family.

Any admin, appointments, form filling in was fitted in when I got a spare minute.

I had a second child & was struggling to fit everything in so I decided to go part time at work & start a business so I can work from home.

In recent years I've started to care for an elderly relative & therefore run two homes & do admin for them.

What extras does a parent with a SEN child do? I'm not being ignorant but might get a better understanding if its explained. I totally understand it must be hard but being a parent in general is hard.

My original question was asking why she didn't work while her child was at school.

Sorry You've miss understood, I was working 5 days a week not 7. I did it because I wasn't in a financial position not to return to work. I was able to work so I did. I could've gave up work to stay at home with my baby but chose not to as I wanted to provide for them myself & give them a good life & bring them up to know they have to work for what they get.

Well I've answered that twice now and you've ignored me, you clearly don't want to hear what "extra" is involved.

Are you still doing a 12 hour shift after a sleepless night, or have your children grown up and followed a normal developmental pattern?

A friend has a 13 year old SEN child. She has to do everything for her. She can't be left alone because she has epilepsy. She can't walk, talk, is tube fed and is still in nappies. She can't just go to work and put her child in after school clubs.

You claim you understand it's hard and you're not being ignorant. But you can't grasp why a parent with a child with SEN can't work.

There in lies the difference- there’s no spare minute.

My children also have health appointments, dental appointments & sickness days too. How do I & other working Mums manage?

what are parents of SEN children doing while their child is at school? I've been told admin, form filling & catching up on sleep.

How do us working parents & single parents manage to do all this & still work full time?

It’s very different when you have a disabled child. The juggling is way beyond normal parenting

Really, your child has weekly therapy and health monitoring appointments, has 7 different specialisms to work across and coordinate? It's not that all children don't have health appointments, it's that if your child has additional support needs they often have many, many more appointments.

I can count on one hand the number of health appointments my nephew has across a year, and his dental appointments can be arranged after school.
My DDs health appointments all take place during school hours, because that 's when the clinics are seeing patients - she has at least 6 appointments a month, as a starting point, this months she will have had 11. What parent of a non-disabled child has that level of health care involvement.

They have more time than full time working Mums in that their child is at school & they don't have to go out to work & do a full days shift.

Because you can do those things while your child is in the room watching TV/playing, or asleep. Because your child isn't a danger to themselves when left without close supervision, or waking up in distress multiple times a night...

Lots of children with SEN also have significant numbers of appointments or time off school. It's hardly comparable to taking your child to the dentist twice a year.

I understand that things take so much more organising & time. I care for an elderly relative so know how difficult it can get. However, it still doesn't answer my original question of why Mum doesn't work while her child is at school.

You’ve had more sleep, over a more prolonged period.

Please don’t start that battle, you won’t win.

Caring sometimes for an elderly relative, who clearly lives independently because you keep banging on about how you're "running two houses", is not remotely comparable to having a 10 year old with additional needs.

You can't though when you have a baby & a toddler to care for. It'd be very irresponsible to leave a small child to their own devices. Children without Sen can be a danger to themselves too.

What if you have a child with health issues which aren't classed as a disability so the parent doesn't get any assistance? they still manage to work full time.

How do us working parents & single parents manage to do all this & still work full time?

The answer is they don't. They simply don't have the additional demands that come with having a disabled child.

I'm a single parent, I work full time while caring for two disabled children - I manage by having the most flexible employer ever, a very solid professional reputation and a skill set that means my work is in demand and I can negotiate my working days. When my kids were younger it would have been impossible, and still is sometimes - I work because I enjoy it and it gives me respite from constant caring demands but it's not remotely easy to do and I wouldn't question anyone who decided they simply didn't have the capacity for work.

Another thing many are missing is that a mum of a “ mainstream “ child of course they’re busy ( unless they have hired help / family to help ) but that will slowly change .
The “ mainstream “ child will grow up and become more independent .
The parent will begin to get their life back , and goodness me , those children can even be a help and take on some chores or domestic responsibilities.
Us with disabled children, well we will always have that stress and high level of responsibilities even once they grow up .
In fact it can become even more stressful because they can be around the home a LOT .
If they get a supported college course then that’s very part time with even shorter terms than school 🥺

Right, and then your toddler gets older and develops some independence, and gives you respite during the day by doing their own thing, and during the night by eventually sleeping through.

I don’t know what you’re not getting here.

I understand that things take so much more organising & time. I care for an elderly relative so know how difficult it can get. However, it still doesn't answer my original question of why Mum doesn't work while her child is at school.

That question has been answered many times by many people on this thread, you just don't like the answer.

Babies and toddlers nap. They go to bed early. They can be strapped in a high chair or bouncer for a few minutes while you're making their dinner.

The kinds of health issues that are significant and long term enough to have significant long term care needs associated with them would be classed as disabilities. I'm not quite sure what kind of health issues you're thinking of?

I go to my relatives home before work to make sure they're ok, dressed & make them breakfast. I then go after work to make them an evening meal, & tidy round & clean. I take them to appointments & have recently been down during the night a few times as they've had a fall or a TIA & have accompanied them to hospital & sat up to 9 hours while they have scans tests etc.

So I feel I have some idea of caring for someone with additional needs. What's the comparable needs of a 10 year old with SEN?