Fed up of being treated like I am worthless and a drain on society because I don't work

[elliejjtiny]

Dh works. He used to have a well paid job but he took a pay cut so he could be more flexible for the dc who have SEN and multiple hospital appointments. I am carer to 10 year old ds who has autism and emotional development delay. He is considered "high functioning" but he receives high rate dla and he is in mainstream school with part time 1-1. This is going to be increased to full time 1-1 when he starts secondary school. In a lot of ways he is like a very intelligent toddler, especially with maths.

PIL came round today. They provide regular childcare for SIL's dc but have looked after my son probably about 5 times in the last 10 years. And never for very long. Because he is difficult. That's fine by me. But then they criticise me for not working. It's not just me,( actually they moan about me a lot less these days because they know I will argue with them and point out that they won't look after ds, school struggle with him so how am I supposed to work) , they go on and on about "people on benefits" and they assume things that are just not true like they think everyone on universal credit gets free holidays and they say the benefit system is more than generous and that people should stop moaning and get a job. Fil has been telling me with glee that one day ds won't need me to care for him and I will have to get a job. To me that's like telling a blind person that one day they will be able to see and they will have to give up their white stick. I would be more than happy to work if ds didn't need me to look after him.

I know sil thinks I should be working (although how, I have no idea) and every so often I keep thinking that maybe other people think this too. I've always said that when ds sleeps through the night I will try and go back to work part time but that hasn't happened yet.

They’re just really thick. Pity them and say nothing.

I guess they think you could work when your dd is at school?

Do they mean they think you can work because your DS is in a mainstream school full time?

School-hours jobs aren’t exactly easy to find and if you have SEND children quite often it is all-consuming when they are home. So you can’t do the normal stuff you would with non-disabled children, working around them etc. not to mention sleep disturbance and like you say, many medical appointments.

i think the secret is knowing within yourself that what you are doing is the best thing, sod what these daily express pillocks think. All talk no trousers.

I'm sorry but I am not understanding why your DH "took a pay cut to be more flexible" when you don't work because you are your child's carer?

I would tell them to f* off out of my house and tell them not to come back.

There's TA positions crying out to be filled, and the hours would work, and the OP has experience?

So he is 10, in school full time, you already stay home, and also needed DH to cut hours to be there more?
I can see why this seems odd

The other thing I’ve found with these benefit scrounger bleaters is they often don’t actually work that hard themselves. We’ve got one at our place, bangs on about this sort of conspiracist small town bollocks and let me tell you, he is the laziest and least productive member of the team. So much time sounding off, so little time actually working and adding value. Which is ironic. My cousin’s husband is the same, wanging on about grafting but I know she does all his books, all his housework, washing and everything, while he works 8-4 with a 1h30 lunch to go to ‘suppliers (the gym) on his client’s time. He’s outraged by brown people receiving benefits but somehow it’s perfectly ok for him to minimise his tax burden by claiming every expense going and taking loads of cash in hand.

Maybe your in laws should look at their son and question his decision to go part time when you’re already a full time carer and your child is at school.

Honestly op that is cruel. I saw a few family members go through this and it was awful to see.

When your child is at school you need to recharge, sleep and actually take care of yourself. Because you know when he comes through that door your on!

Seriously people who are suggesting getting a job on top of the full time job you have is ignorant.

Honestly just let these comments wash over you.

I had ex in-laws who were proper boomers in their views. When moaning about single mums 'on benefits' I asked why nobody ever worried about the men that had left them.

They were pretty racist and narrow minded. There were some things I'd let go and some I would challenge but honestly I wasted so much time worrying about what they thought.

Said someone with no experience of looking after a child with SEND. Often wraparound won’t or can’t accept older children with SEND and they can’t get themselves to or from school/ be left home alone at all. TAs are not generally in school from just after drop off to just before pickup. So… what do SEND parents do for the missing hour at each end of the school day?!

Your and your partner should establish some firm boundaries and tell your in laws that they will no longer welcome in your home if they spend their time criticising you and expressing bigoted opinions about people who are not in paid employment.

You don't need to justify how you live your life to them.

Or do they feel that society should have no social conscience and contribute to benefits for uoir DS (or yourself if you are getting any) and that it's up to yoir DS's parents to sort out his care between them?

In any case fhey don't understand your situation or are dumb and you should stop the conversation as soon as it starts. Or your DS should

This child is about to go to secondary. There are lower primary posts. I work in a related field. It's entirely possible to get hours to suit.

But said someone who thinks they know it all and feels the need to comment from a position of limited knowledge!!

Maybe the GPs should put their money where their mouth is and step up to help?

Thank you everyone. Ds is not our only child, he is just the one with the highest needs. Dh works nearly the same hours as he did before except now he is freelance so he can drop work if he needs to. When he had his normal job he had to work when one of our dc was in intensive care.

Just make sure you don't become a carer for either of them when they are older and ill.

Some people abuse the system but it does not sound like this is the case here. Ignore them, minimal contact & do whatever works best for your family.

Wow, the amount of judgement on this thread is uncomfortable to read. Op, you know your family and it’s for you and dh to figure out what works for you. No one else’s opinion matters. Just use the line “this works for us” and repeat.

I don't know where you are seeing the "judgement", just a couple of alternatives?

No biggie.

When ds sleeps through the night and doesn't need constant supervision during the day then I will be able to work. At the moment I use the time he is at school to get the housework done, try and catch up on sleep, fill in multiple forms, prep dinner and give my older 2 a bit of attention.

I’ll add that I worked in an admin role in a school for a couple of years and the lack of flex (and pay) was why I left. I didn’t want to miss dc sports days and assemblies. My full time job offered total flex than enabled me to be at Important moments for all my dc even if I got less “holiday” time. Being a TA isn’t the answer when a parent needs flex for hospital appointments etc.

I agree. It’s odd.

Your child is in school full time. You could get a part time job.

I have a special needs son, much worse then high functioning and I work 30 hours a week and my husband works full time so I don’t really buy all this can’t work because I have a disabled child malarkey.

and no, I don’t have any family help either.

At no point did op say, “please advise me on how to fit in work”. She said their set up works for them but family are judgy. Yet in come posters saying dc at school, you could work xyz, telling her she should work.

I’m seeing loads of judgement. Don’t know how you’ve missed it.

I also a) work in a related field and b) have children with SEND. It ain’t as straightforward as you think. It is usually very difficult to fully appreciate the additional demands of raising children with SEND unless you’ve done it. Have you??