Fed up of being treated like I am worthless and a drain on society because I don't work

[elliejjtiny]

Dh works. He used to have a well paid job but he took a pay cut so he could be more flexible for the dc who have SEN and multiple hospital appointments. I am carer to 10 year old ds who has autism and emotional development delay. He is considered "high functioning" but he receives high rate dla and he is in mainstream school with part time 1-1. This is going to be increased to full time 1-1 when he starts secondary school. In a lot of ways he is like a very intelligent toddler, especially with maths.

PIL came round today. They provide regular childcare for SIL's dc but have looked after my son probably about 5 times in the last 10 years. And never for very long. Because he is difficult. That's fine by me. But then they criticise me for not working. It's not just me,( actually they moan about me a lot less these days because they know I will argue with them and point out that they won't look after ds, school struggle with him so how am I supposed to work) , they go on and on about "people on benefits" and they assume things that are just not true like they think everyone on universal credit gets free holidays and they say the benefit system is more than generous and that people should stop moaning and get a job. Fil has been telling me with glee that one day ds won't need me to care for him and I will have to get a job. To me that's like telling a blind person that one day they will be able to see and they will have to give up their white stick. I would be more than happy to work if ds didn't need me to look after him.

I know sil thinks I should be working (although how, I have no idea) and every so often I keep thinking that maybe other people think this too. I've always said that when ds sleeps through the night I will try and go back to work part time but that hasn't happened yet.

OK, so the older two don't nèed looking after per se, and if the youngest is in school you could work school hours.

I'm really, really not understanding this set-up.

Think I will just bow out.

OP has explained why she can’t work - and that is supported by the government as otherwise the choice wouldn’t be there. So it’s a valid choice and OP should not be made to feel bad for choosing the option she has

I would personally ask them to stop mentioning work/benefits in your presence. They won't change their views but you don't need to listen to it. I'd also minimise how much time I spend with them!

As someone with a disability & a high functioning autistic child, I get it, ignore the why can't you work comments! 15yo DD has higher support needs now more than ever with exams/friendships/hormones

I do wish people wouldn't generalise about Boomers. I am one myself,and I have never moaned about single mums on benefits,nor am I racist or narrow minded.

don't pay any heed to them or anyone else. Nobody else walks a day in your shoes.

Yes, this.

It's hilarious they think people on UC get free holidays. I am on UC and don't even get my entire rent paid because I am single, no kids.

From what you’ve said, it seems you could work, at least part time. You clearly don’t want to work as you’d rather spend your day doing other things. So fair enough, just tell them that.

Don’t use DS not sleeping through the night as an excuse though. Plenty of mums have babies, toddlers etc who still don’t sleep through the night, and they still manage to hold down jobs and have no choice but to get up and go to work in the morning.

When you marry someone, you have people in your life that you otherwise wouldn't tolerate for a nanosecond - in this case, your husband's parents.

You wouldn't let anyone else come into your home and spout this judgemental nonsense about your personal circumstances OP.

How you and your husband manage your household is absolutely none of their business.

I'd try and minimise contact with these people as far as possible. They add nothing to your life and make you feel worthless. They are not kind, understanding and empathetic people. Avoid them if you can. All the best.

There has been a lot of research into the fact that raising children with disabilities (SEN included) can lead to CPTSD in parents. Parents may suffer mentally in other ways too, especially when accompanied by a lack of sleep.

Even if the OP could fit in work around her children, she is likely mentally and physically drained. Even if others on here say they can manage, well, good for you, but perhaps the OP can't—and that is okay.

We're all different, with different capabilities and setups. In my opinion, parents' mental health needs to be considered and taken care of to ensure they are fully able to cater to their children's needs. If this means OP cannot work for the time being, then that's absolutely fine, and she shouldn't need to justify that to anyone.

I'm a working mum of a non verbal sen child that is still awake dispute having melatonin at 7.45pm..... I work school hours. BUT I can see how hard it is because I do it. I do it because I need 2 holidays a year and to be able to treat myself. So each to their own I guess

I like to troll people like this... for example tell them you don't have to work because you make bank selling feet pics online 😂

Some people will think like that and there isn’t a lot you can say to change their minds, but it’s not worth caring what they think.

Ask them to provide your childcare, paid obviously and you can go to work.
I bet they run a mile x

Just out of interest, what did your DH say?

Bingo for you!
However, some people are merely human.
On the other hand, it sounds like OP is putting her efforts into doing the very best possible for her family.

Actually, you DO work. Your job is harder than some people's 9-5. You are caring for a child that physically, mentally and emotionally depends upon you. You never know what your job might encounter or what you may deal with on a daily basis, and you are providing the work of about 5-6 different "jobs", all wrapped into one. Maybe, at some point, you can get a PT job, but just because some work who have children with disabilities, doesn't mean they are all the same and neither are their parents. You do what is right for YOUR family.

Your PIL are not the brightest bulbs on the Christmas tree, if they cannot see that and appreciate it.

He's at school all day?

Are you sure your DH isn't mentioning anything OP, even if it is just about being tired or run down etc? It seems odd that PIL and SIL are all on at you about it and may be taking upon themselves to intervene on his behalf.

Or maybe he hasn't said anything and they just personally feel that it's unfair on your DH to be the breadwinner, we've got a judgmental idiot in our family too who has a distinct inability to see the bigger picture.

Either way it is absolutely none of their business, you don't need to justify yourself to them or anyone, if your family setup works as it is and you and your DH are happy with the work situation, then it is nothing to do with them whether you work or not, or where your money comes from.

It's not as simple as that though is it? OP is carer for her son in the afternoons, evenings and through the night, her daytimes of doing housework and everything else that needs doing (the sort of things which 9-5 people do in the evenings before going to bed and having a good 8 hours continual sleep) is actually in the daytime, if she was working she wouldn't have time for any of that, plus she wouldn't be available at a moments notice if anything happens like their DS doesn't go to school etc.

I'm all for people getting jobs, but sometimes it's just not practical.

It shouldn't matter what anyone thinks apart from OP and her husband.

When DS sleeps through the night, take the time he's at school to actually have a rest and some time for yourself, because he's not magically going to not need care the rest of the time. Don't be guilted into returning to work by these bullies.

My only question to you is - why are you allowing these toxic people who dislike you into your home? If it's so DH can see them, suggest he goes to a cafe/park/their house/anywhere away from you instead. Otherwise you go out alone and leave DH to deal with DS while he chats with PIL, but this isn't ideal if DH isn't standing up to them when they slag you off.

If they're coming to see you and DS, just stop the visits. They're being deliberately nasty. Those aren't general comments about "people on benefits" they're nasty digs aimed specifically at you. Stop tolerating this behaviour from them.

It's harmful for DS to see you being treated this way too. It normalises it for him (this is how we treat mum and that's ok, this is how mum/women/people on benefits (remember he is one) deserve to be treated). Don't let it happen. They're no loss to you or your life.

Let DH maintain his relationship with them separately. If he has a problem with that then you have a DH problem too. He shouldn't be ok with his DW and the mother of his child being treated this way.

Your point being...what? I have read the whole thread and all of OP's posts and I stand by what I said.

I certainly will not judge someone when I haven't walked their walk or worn their shoes.

I am a non working parent carer. My child is also 10.
I know that I'm judged, and I don't care.
I've raised 2 kids, and worked full time, evenings and weekends. I missed huge swathes of their lives. Now I'm not saying that I'm judging anyone else, everyone has to make their own choices. But in hindsight it was hard. On me, and them. When my last child was born, and she had a disability, I made the choice not to work. Because I don't want to not be there when she needs me. I don't want to try and farm her out during school holidays, or when she's ill, and I'm not qualified to earn enough for us to be able to afford specialist childcare. Yes, she is at school full time, but she has days when she's not up to it. A fair few of sick days. We put her wellbeing first, we lowered our income, and living expectations and made some tough decisions. Her dad works, I stay at home. He's behind that.
And personally, I don't give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks.
You do what's best for you, and your family, and ignore everyone else. X

I can’t bear it when the people who have no experience of the realities of caring for a child with disabilities want to have a pop at someone for not working ‘while the DC are at school’.

Just ignore it, OP. You ILs and the arsehole posters here. Some people just delight in trying their hardest not to listen or understand.