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Original poster

My sad friend is ruining my hobby and I feel an absolute bitch!

130 replies

Firefly45 · 05/12/2024 11:03

I have a hobby..let's say it's fishing.

I go with a friend once a week fishing and we chat on text through the week. I used to love fishing with her because it was a few hours escape where we had deep conversations about life, space, society and I felt like it was an escape from real life.
(I am in a caring profession and spend all day with vulnerable people listening to problems. I also have other friends and family who I support).

For the last 8mths my friend is having terrible problems at home in her family. It's awful. So sorry for her. It's ongoing and I don't know what she is going to do. I do genuinely feel for her so much.

My problem is that she unloads to me while we are finishing. Every session we spend talking about her situation at home. I think I'm only outlet for her to talk to. We also talk about it all week on text.

I've started dreading going fishing. I come back not relaxed just exhausted and sad. I used to love that fishing session.

I feel so bad tho. She's a good friend and having an awful time but I don't think it's going to resolve anytime soon.

I'm at the point now of wanting to make an excuse not to go fishing.

She's been a wonderful friend to me but I need my hobby for my own peace and relaxation.

Don't know what to do?

OP posts:
teenmaw · 05/12/2024 11:05

Can you do the hobby on your own? Why not say you're struggling yourself and you want to do the hobby solo for a few weeks to embrace the solitude. Then fade it out.

RubyRedBow · 05/12/2024 11:06

Be honest with her and point her in the direction of a therapist.

museumum · 05/12/2024 11:06

I feel for you but also for her. Would it be worth telling her that you are feeling a bit overwhelmed and suggesting that for both of your mental health you both have ten minutes at the start of the fishing to offload the week and then you 'both' just enjoy the river/nature/fishing and try to clear your heads?

LoafofSellotape · 05/12/2024 11:07

Is fishing the new cycling? 😉

Fraaahnces · 05/12/2024 11:18

You need to set up very clear boundaries and let her know that the hobby time is your “me time” and not your “work” time, and while you understand her issues are very real, you are not getting what you need from the hobby while she is bending your ear.

frozendaisy · 05/12/2024 11:20

Can you say
"Susan nothing is going to change about X right now, people are struggling all over right now what I deal with at work is eye opening so for these few hours shall we leave the outside world just there outside and fed our brains with thoughts of life the universe and our dream holidays"

HuckleberryMishMash · 05/12/2024 11:21

She needs talking therapy. And I think it would be ok for you to gently suggest this. Say that fishing is your one opportunity in a week to have a break from stress. Maybe you could set a timer for half an hour's catch up and then agree that you try to use the rest of the fishing session for both of you to have a break from talking about problems. It would be beneficial for her too I expect.

I am having a difficult time at the moment but I am being so so careful not to offload all the time onto friends. I'm certainly not texting anyone regularly for support.

I've specifically organised talking therapy for myself to reduce the risk of me burdening friends with my issues.

Original poster
Firefly45 · 05/12/2024 11:22

I was thinking of suggesting that we both use fishing to focus on something else but she quite often says 'ill tell you more at fishing' as tho it's her therapy.
She has listened to my moans over the last few years but this is ongoing and I can't see an end to it.
I am just racked with guilt though imagining one of my friends telling me my problems were boring them and making them miserable? It feels so selfish when she's actually living it.
(Its a teenager with special needs which is the issue)

OP posts:
TinkerTiger · 05/12/2024 11:23

teenmaw · 05/12/2024 11:05

Can you do the hobby on your own? Why not say you're struggling yourself and you want to do the hobby solo for a few weeks to embrace the solitude. Then fade it out.

I don’t think this is a really doable suggestion. Depending on the hobby, for OP to do it on her own would mean the friend not doing it. So..OP should say to friend ‘hi, I just want to go alone so you should stay home, thanks!’

It’s also tricky because it’s something that they’ve been doing together for ages. So even if on the off chance it’s available at another time, it’s still going to involve and awkward conversation.

There’s no easy way to go about this OP, you’d either have to stop going yourself, or have an uncomfortable chat with your friend.

TeamPolin · 05/12/2024 11:24

I feel for you but also for her. Would it be worth telling her that you are feeling a bit overwhelmed and suggesting that for both of your mental health you both have ten minutes at the start of the fishing to offload the week and then you 'both' just enjoy the river/nature/fishing and try to clear your heads?

I think this is the best approach. It's a tricky situation with no fault on either side. If I was the friend, I'd appreciate honesty and the opportunity to maintain the companionship rather than no explanation and being slowly faded out of someone's life.

MounjaroUser · 05/12/2024 11:25

But she's not getting a proper break from the teenager if she's talking about them all the time when she's not with them. It must be really tough for her but both of you need a break from real life while you're fishing.

OriginalUsername2 · 05/12/2024 11:26

I’ve heard people say things like “New rule, no talking about ___ tonight! We’re here to enjoy ourselves.” Usually about certain men or parenting, but maybe it can be adapted.

StrongandNorthern · 05/12/2024 11:27

museumum · 05/12/2024 11:06

I feel for you but also for her. Would it be worth telling her that you are feeling a bit overwhelmed and suggesting that for both of your mental health you both have ten minutes at the start of the fishing to offload the week and then you 'both' just enjoy the river/nature/fishing and try to clear your heads?

This!

UrbanFan · 05/12/2024 11:28

You will need to start doing your hobby without her. Even if you were to ask her to stop she won't. This is her therapy session. You are NOT selfish to want to spend your leisure time without all her problems. It is completely draining when someone either at work or socially uses you to offload all their problems on to you. Don't let her make your life a misery.

FuckItItsFine · 05/12/2024 11:31

I had to “break up with” a friend of over twenty years due to similar issues. The second-hand stress from her constant discussion of her work issues, problems with her on/off partner etc. was taking over my life. I felt like I’d finally got my own life in an even-ish keel and wanted to focus on the positive. But I felt awkward when she was talking about all the bad things going on with her. It felt almost rude to respond with “well I’m enjoying my new job” or “DH and I celebrated our anniversary” as if I was shoving it in her face and bragging.

I did try speaking to her about it but she couldn’t understand my point of view. She felt that friends are there to be moaned at.

Lincoln24 · 05/12/2024 11:31

Difficult one, I think you're being a bit unfair if she's been a good friend to you in the past - it's part and parcel of friendship to support someone through the bad times, and 8 months isn't that long in the scheme of things. If it were a casual acquaintance or a colleague it'd be different. Appreciate it's hard on you though.

I've been your friend so perhaps I'm biased towards her.

I think the suggestion of limiting the time you can talk about it is a good one, although when I think back to hard times I've had, they do take over your brain, so she might find that hard in terms of finding other conversation.

chollysawcutt · 05/12/2024 11:36

I'm in a bit of the same situation with a friend (not 'fishing' though 😂)

So I did start to make excuses because I had to step back for my own well-being.

However, I also looked at my own situation and realised I am really fortunate to have a lot of other stuff going on in my life, other friends and other interests.

My friend does not have this and is quite isolated and her situation seems all-consuming. I thought actually, it's no skin off my nose if I let her offload during our activity, because I do other fun stuff and have other relationships. But it helps her a lot. So I kind of bite the bullet with it.

My compromise is that we used to meet once a week and I have cut that down to once a month. I am also lighter on the messaging.

So basically I'm saying - could you find something else to do that is an outlet for you but doesn't include her, and keep the thing you were doing with her, but dial back on the contact time?

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 05/12/2024 11:53

I think you need to tell her … Susan this is draining me I’m not your therapist I love you but I can’t be your emotional spew bucket…

I have a dd with additional needs and often vent to friends ( now second guessing if I do it too much ) and would hate if my friends think I am using them as a therapy session as often I just need someone who isn’t in my everyday circle to hear and see me!!!

Please tell her she may be mortified that she is dumping on you too much

teenmaw · 05/12/2024 11:56

@TinkerTiger I'm in the same situation. I fish with an equally unstable friend but she's happy for me to pre plan a solo trip. It's different if I plan with someone else. It's a bit like being in a difficult relationship with a man. It's not as offensive saying you need time alone I find. She accepts that ok

AmandaHoldensLips · 05/12/2024 12:02

I had this with a friend. I wrote her a letter saying that I was unable to listen to her marriage woes any more and urging her to find a therapist. Unfortunately, it went in one ear and out the other. Very sadly I had to back away from the friendship because she was doing my head in.

roses2 · 05/12/2024 12:03

Difficult one, I think you're being a bit unfair if she's been a good friend to you in the past - it's part and parcel of friendship to support someone through the bad times

I've been the OP in this situation and what you said is exactly what my unloading friend said. However there is a limit what people can listen to. All the time is not ok - it is draining and impacting the OPs wellbeing. If you are unloading all your shit onto your friend everytime you speak to them then you're not a good friend I'm afraid.

Mill3nnial · 05/12/2024 12:04

OP you're being completely reasonable and I would feel bad too but your mental health is as important as hers. I would feel the same as you. I have a hobby, let's call it dancing, and I really enjoy that time to myself. I've been saying how much I enjoy it as a neighbour mentioned maybe going along and I must thought that if a friend came along I actually thing it would ruin my me time!

I think maybe next time she says she'll fill you in at fishing just say "I was hoping to have a relaxed session so feel free to text me what's going on and then we can just enjoy the fishing" or when you're there talk about other things like Christmas or something lighthearted and if she goes on to heavier things be honest "Please don't be offended but I am exhausted at the moment and I just need this time fishing to unwind so would you mind if we kept things light?" and then follow up with that you can speak another time if that's the case eg suggest a one off coffee or once a month whatever works.

Mill3nnial · 05/12/2024 12:05

And yes ask if she's thought about seeing a therapist and she may realise how much she's talking about herself and her problems.

Mill3nnial · 05/12/2024 12:05

roses2 · 05/12/2024 12:03

Difficult one, I think you're being a bit unfair if she's been a good friend to you in the past - it's part and parcel of friendship to support someone through the bad times

I've been the OP in this situation and what you said is exactly what my unloading friend said. However there is a limit what people can listen to. All the time is not ok - it is draining and impacting the OPs wellbeing. If you are unloading all your shit onto your friend everytime you speak to them then you're not a good friend I'm afraid.

100% this

BananaSpanner · 05/12/2024 12:07

museumum · 05/12/2024 11:06

I feel for you but also for her. Would it be worth telling her that you are feeling a bit overwhelmed and suggesting that for both of your mental health you both have ten minutes at the start of the fishing to offload the week and then you 'both' just enjoy the river/nature/fishing and try to clear your heads?

This is the best suggestion.