My sad friend is ruining my hobby and I feel an absolute bitch!

[Firefly45]

I have a hobby..let's say it's fishing.

I go with a friend once a week fishing and we chat on text through the week. I used to love fishing with her because it was a few hours escape where we had deep conversations about life, space, society and I felt like it was an escape from real life.
(I am in a caring profession and spend all day with vulnerable people listening to problems. I also have other friends and family who I support).

For the last 8mths my friend is having terrible problems at home in her family. It's awful. So sorry for her. It's ongoing and I don't know what she is going to do. I do genuinely feel for her so much.

My problem is that she unloads to me while we are finishing. Every session we spend talking about her situation at home. I think I'm only outlet for her to talk to. We also talk about it all week on text.

I've started dreading going fishing. I come back not relaxed just exhausted and sad. I used to love that fishing session.

I feel so bad tho. She's a good friend and having an awful time but I don't think it's going to resolve anytime soon.

I'm at the point now of wanting to make an excuse not to go fishing.

She's been a wonderful friend to me but I need my hobby for my own peace and relaxation.

Don't know what to do?

Next time tell her how much you care but ask her about therapy and send her a number. If she keeps offloading in the same way change your plans and do your hobby alone.

Tell her. Say you love her, want to support her, but the support is you both have some time out. Be straight. I went through this with some friends where I was the one off loading. My best friends told me - 'this is too much' we want to support you - but you can't just off load on us.

We struck a pact where we had a set time where I could off load - then I had to listen to them! They weren't bad people but they had their own shit going on.

Once my best friends had been up front I realised other people were trying to do it subtly!

Empathy burnout is real, but I don’t know how you explain this to your friend. Can you find a different friend to do the hobby with sometimes? Or join a club?

Sad friend, I can hear how difficult things are at the moment, and I understand that you’re struggling. We seem to have fallen into a habit of letting “heavy talk” dominate our fishing time and it’s all feeling a bit overwhelming recently. I have a lot going on at work etc and I really need this fishing time to just switch off and unwind. I think you need to find a therapist or professional support that can improve things for you, as I am feeling out of my depth and need to use my fishing time to recharge. I hope you understand. Lots of love, Firefly

Yes, but there is only so much of yourself you can give. The OP is not this person's therapist, and it is affecting the OP's hobby, which she herself uses to destress and unwind.

There's nothing worse than being someone's misery sponge.

I would message her and say "I am so looking forward to switching off when we meet up, I've had the worst week and I seriously need to zone out. I think you are probably the same! Can't wait to enjoy our hobby together".

Why don't you say let enjoy the fishing and then I will be all ears for a drink afterwards. That you have an intense week and need to lose yourself in the hobby but afterwards lets chat. If worst comes to worst go to a different pottery fishing class and tell her your schedule has changed. Don’t feel bad, hobbies are so key to mental health and she should not be improving her mental health at the expense of yours.

What did you talk about before her child took over things? Could you ask her some questions about other members of her family or something else you used to talk about to steer the conversation in other directions?

This is so good.

I have a similar issue. My and DP go to a hobby two evenings a week, and there's this girl who ALWAYS has drama going on, and ALWAYS wants to take me to one side and vent - and it stops me from talking to other people at the group, plus absolutely drains me.

I've never found a solution though.

How about either telling her straight ( I too btw worked with adults with learning disabilities/ behavioural & mental health for years...then got MS,& need care too ) lol..but tell her you need ' YOU TIME that your job is really stressful & you basically need to relax..Failing that youve got to be cruel at times to be kind & tell her that the only time you've got to go ' erm fishing ' lol.& youre very limited time off work that its making yiu feel stressed out talking about her problems non stop & that yiu need ' lightness ' .You might have to also accept that either you two have run your course as friends ,or that she's now using yiu as an unpaid therapjst & Ive been there personally with a few female friends & sadly avouded them ..I have MS & cant cope with too much stress .Good luck with the 🐟 ;) ..ps..Other thing is you could also be sneaky & do your hobby alone in another location & not tell her 😆

This. You need to protect your own mental health too.

Could you go to a different fishery? (If you see what I mean)

As said above, you do have to look after your own mental health. Is there anything you can do to change this situation yourself, ie do hobby on own at a different time, are their others who join in - if so, maybe start to talk to them more.

If not, maybe moving forward, I think you need to say to her you don't feel you can give her the support she needs, and maybe speak to a solicitor, doctor, therapist and also for you both to go back to just enjoying the hobb and eachother's companysay to her it'd be good to use the hobby and your company for switch off time on both parts. If she brings the situation up, give her five minutes and then cut in something like, 'right we're here to have a good time and for us to both switch off, then start talking about the hobby, something fun or even yourself' and really try to limit the conversation'.

I just don't know. I feel 50/50 on this

I understand you need peace OP, but your 'good friend' sounds like she could be deperate, and at wits end.

Depressed/overwhelmed people are told to reach out and when they do, they are met with friends that cant cope and ghost them - which I know is not what you are doing but they do say that you find out who your real friends are when you are going through shit

When i found out i was terminally ill, I spoke about it non stop and within two months I had lost a 2 friends (who just ghosted me) - I was deeply shocked and esp when it transpired i had passed the same genetic mash up to my kid. I needed to talk and these friends seemeed to think it would all be better next week,and it would be back to sitting having cocktails and discussing what cruise we are going on - but this will never be my life again. That part of my life is over. I feel they did not want to know about what comes next and to be honest were fair weather friends but i did not realise this. I clearly piled too much grief on them.

Counsellors and therapists arent trained propertly to help or sympathise IMO as what I found beneficial was peer support and this is what i did

I think the kindest thing you can do to help this woman is to speak to her - let her know how you feel - i mean it is understandable.

It is the kindest thing to do

Of course counsellors and therapists are trained to help. It's quite literally their job!!

What's not fair is offloading all your worries and fears and anxieties on people who are not trained, who don't have a professional support network to lean on and then to blame THEM when they can't take any more of your pain. I'm truly sorry about your situation.

@Daschund1

Wow, what a great post and attitude. I’m lost in admiration for you.

I hope your friends realise how lucky they are ( I am sure they do). I hope you have a happy and pain free Christmas.

I do think it is possible to keep the friendship and the 'fishing' going but be firm, and still compassionate, about your friend needing to seek more experienced and knowledgeable help from a therapist.

You could say that you were beginning to feel overwhelmed with the situation because you want so much to help your friend but don't feel as if you have the resources to make the best job of it.

(It reminds me of trying to help your own child with homework. After a certain point, it's less stressful to get a tutor in, if you can afford it.)

You might even suggest helping to find a suitable therapist.

Honesty is the best policy. Either that or suggest that the two of you join a tin whistle ensemble and ditch the 'fishing'.

We are told ‘it’s good to talk’ and to reach out and that is right. However friends don’t have the training or knowledge to process what’s being said or always say the right thing. It’s valuable simply being company and having someone to go to things. I’ve had the same op and it’s hard - we’ve all got stuff going on

I don't think you can tell her to stop talking about this without it adversely affecting your friendship.

I'd still go fishing with her and also get a new relaxing hobby I did without her.

Following this thread because I am in a similar situation. My friend and I also have 'fishing' as a hobby, meaning there is lots of time to talk ... My friend has gone through a very serious depression during the past few years (this came on suddenly. She was always such a bubbly person, which is why I liked her and enjoyed spending time with her!). She found treatment but it never really helped completely, and the negative depressive talks were endless. She kept saying how thankful she was that I listened to her and was supportive, but strangely enough this annoyed me ... I think I felt the friendship just wasn't 'equal' anymore, as if I was more someone who helped her, than a friend who enjoyed spending time with her. Then, her husband left her and to be honest, I kind of could see why. She was devastated by it and I felt so sorry for her, but after a few years I have to admit that I started having enough of it all. I no longer looked forward to fishing, I cancelled more, and honestly thought the best thing to do would be to slowly and gently distance myself from her. I have lots of stress in my own life at the moment and at some point I noticed that the thought of going fishing with her gave me even more stress. But now the worst has happened and she has recently been diagnosed with a terrible disease. It's just the worst, obviously I can't distance myself from her now! So here I am, staying a friend, trying to be supportive, even though I have managed to distance myself just a tiny bit. I feel incredible guilt but it's come to the point that the thought of spending more time with her, makes me anxious. I'm here to say you are not alone ... and I hope we will find some good tips and ideas on this thread!

So start spacing out the fishing sessions so that the intervals in between are ever-widening, and make separate arrangements to go on your own or with someone more compatible.

This.

The best thing you can do to help is to suggest she seeks professional help because you want to be her friend not her therapist.

People can be very obtuse. I had a friend who only ever f talked aboutt herself. It wasn't interesting and some of her behaviour o found questionable (towards her son). After several years I suggested a therapist and she said "why should I pay for a therapist when I have friends."

You will need to switch to birdwatching I’m afraid