My sad friend is ruining my hobby and I feel an absolute bitch!

[Firefly45]

I have a hobby..let's say it's fishing.

I go with a friend once a week fishing and we chat on text through the week. I used to love fishing with her because it was a few hours escape where we had deep conversations about life, space, society and I felt like it was an escape from real life.
(I am in a caring profession and spend all day with vulnerable people listening to problems. I also have other friends and family who I support).

For the last 8mths my friend is having terrible problems at home in her family. It's awful. So sorry for her. It's ongoing and I don't know what she is going to do. I do genuinely feel for her so much.

My problem is that she unloads to me while we are finishing. Every session we spend talking about her situation at home. I think I'm only outlet for her to talk to. We also talk about it all week on text.

I've started dreading going fishing. I come back not relaxed just exhausted and sad. I used to love that fishing session.

I feel so bad tho. She's a good friend and having an awful time but I don't think it's going to resolve anytime soon.

I'm at the point now of wanting to make an excuse not to go fishing.

She's been a wonderful friend to me but I need my hobby for my own peace and relaxation.

Don't know what to do?

Definitely we both need some time out, fishing is great for that, but if you're out here but still focused on all the problems with x then I'm not really helping you have a break, I want and need to be in friend mode not therapist listening mode, for me as well as for you, so can we go back to talking about nonsense when we are out?

I think you just need to suggest therapy. If you say it a few times she might get the hint you’re reaching your limit.

It difficult when you’re dealing with something all consuming. Having a friend you can talk to about it is such a lifeline but there does come a point when you’re just ruminating and not actually getting anywhere.

Try gently changing the subject once you’ve let her have a small moan.

“I’m sorry to hear that X, but in more positive news how are you enjoying that series you said you started on Netflix?”

”That sucks you’ve had a bad day with your child, it’s good we have fishing to find an escape and try and remember the positives in our lives. Why don’t you list a few things you’re grateful for to try and change your mindset”

I hear you, but please don’t stop giving your friend this time. You have no idea how much it must mean to her.

I don't know if this is a long time friend or a fair weather friend that we're talking about here because I'd handle them differently.

If it's a long term friend that you really get along with, you could suggest that she reach out to people/organisations/charities/support that are better equipped to deal and help people in a similar position as the one that your friend finds themselves in.

If it's a fair weather friend and one that you wouldn't mind a bit of distance from (or a lot of distance), then I'd be blunt and say that you're sorry that they are going through the things they are going through and you sympathise with them and wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy, but could they leave that issue behind when you go fishing as it seems to be the only issue or topic of discussion and you're finding the fishing trips less and less enjoyable as a result.
You could possibly be more blunt if you want to burn that bridge and say "Jesus, Friend, give it a rest. I'm here to do fishing, not be your unpaid therapist!" but that really really really really would be a grenade launched - blow the friendship up beyond any sort of repair type of comment.

I would try to break the pattern. On the next trip take control of the conversation right away and bring up some light-hearted but interested topics that you can get stuck in to. When she tries to turn the conversation to her problems, make a sympathetic comment then change the topic again.

If she doesn't get the hint you'll need to be direct.

We experienced this when my friend split from her husband.

One of our common friends dealt with it so well - she'd say at the start 'right we've got the first 30 mins to talk about your divorce and what your evil ex has done this week, after that it's a banned topic and we cheer you up by talking about other things.'

And she would time it - after 30 mins it would be time up.

To be honest it was best for the friend too, otherwise she'd rant, wallow and feel down herself.

The reality for people who are going through a hard time is that you can only give so much support before it drains you.

I think if you are honest with your friend then it could be the end of the friendship. She’s obviously going through a really hard time and she may not have sympathy for your predicament. Could you sort of switch off and tune out (I do this with a friend on walks who drones on about her job for a good hour)

I totally get where you are coming from though. I have a family member who is similar and I just had to distance myself, I couldn’t keep giving.

I think that's a really good idea, and also kind without compromising your own needs too much. Great post.

The kindest thing to do is to remain to be there for your friend, however in a manner that fits with you best. If you stop going 'fishing' with your friend, who else will she talk to, would her feelings go unheard into a dark spiral. By all means suggest she speak with a councillor, help forum, charity etc but I think it would be unkind for a friend to cut a friend off. Real friends support each other through good and bad.
Can you suggest instead another time to meet your friend (for this chat time where she unloads). Maybe it is a coffee out, a walk (somewhere where you can put a time limit on it and then go home afterwards) and then suggest that 'fishing' is your time to relax, de-stress etc to help you manage your mental health and hearing her issues at that time is not helping you. However you are happy to chat with her about them another time, ie, the walk, coffee etc.
This then gives your friend an element of control also, and a sense of responsibility, that her bahaviours are affecting you and she alone has the power to control this.
I see the above to be a compromose to suit both of you.
But please don't just cut your friend off. You may well be the lifeline she needs right now. How fantastic to be viewed as being so valuable to another human being! You say she has been a wonderful friend to you. You can continue to be a wonderful friend to her (with your revised terms)

I think the kindest thing to do would be to say to your friend that fishing is your special happy time to be positive and forget all the upsetting things going on, so could she and you both make it a special "wellbeing" or "soothing spa" space where it's just for calming, special escapism and happy conversations.

If you market it as a special way of making it about wellbeing for her as well as you, it won't come across as blaming her for needing to talk about her problems.

Is the hobby something you could divide up, as in do without her and enjoy the peace and then alternate with doing it with her (two sessions a week, one with friend, one without?).

Literally no one talks like that.

That’s a nice option but if I was going through hell at home I wouldn’t be delighted with this

I think this is perfect.

Tell her how concerned you are for her and suggest she finds a therapist to offload to. Offer to help her find one that suits her.

Gently explain that your hobby should be a time for escaping her situation.

I have a hobby too and I love it. I like to do mine at home and in my own time. I think there are groups available though.

Can you do your hobby at home? Especially now in the run up to Christmas, it will be a perfect excuse to naturally pull back from the social group. Maybe make excuses that you are getting things ready for Christmas or there's a Christmas dinner or party or what not.

This is a very good idea. It doesn't shut her down, but it also gives you the time you need to relax. Sounds like the issue isn't going to resolve soon so you need a plan.

Fishing as therapy is a thing (tight lines, calm minds, etc.) and time with the rods alongside a friend or friends is often the only time people have to let go of their concerns. Maybe you need more fishing friends to spread the emotional load. And a gentle reminder to her that you need this time to process your own life and thoughts too.

She needs a counsellor. It's not fair to unload on friends, still less on one friend, when there's an ongoing situation to work through. I would push her to see one, and once she has a professional to talk to your fishing sessions should improve automatically. I would avoid directly telling her it's all getting too much as I doubt your friendship will recover from that.

Tell her that you could meet for a tea beforehand to chat about life. The fishing is a no chat zone for calm. You can talk about how this calm helps during the last 5mins of the fishing.

I have a really similar problem with a friend who I walk my dog with. We live rurally and once a week we go on a long ramble together - at least half a day roaming the countryside. I love this, and so does my dog, who only gets half hour to one hour walks throughout the rest of the week. My friend has serious issues with one of her children, life and death serious, and this has been going on for about five years. She has taken to talking about these problems all the time while we are walking. She gets very irate and upset, yells about stuff etc and I just listen. She’s got more and more manic in her behaviour and has taken against countless people (now alienated from her parents, many other school mums etc) and the situation has clearly taken a really bad toll on her relationship with her husband. Some of the stuff she describes is very upsetting and I always come home frazzled - the only plus point is that the dog has a good time. I kept up the walks for his sake and because I thought I was supporting my friend, but a couple of months ago she started making excuses not to walk with me. I’ve stopped asking her now and she’s not contacted me. It looks like I’ve been ostracised too. None of this helps with your situation, I realise, but you have my sympathy.

Oh god me too, broke up with a friend of 10 years who constantly offloaded to me multiple messages every day (including to my work account) 2 hour weekly phone calls etc. She would go mad at me if I forgot a potentially meaningful date (eg. Anniversary date of the day she broke up with her ex boyfriend), final straw came when I took her and her bf away to a family holiday cottage (it was actually my family summer holiday with husband and young kids), all had a great time. She phoned me the following week basically saying I hadn't paid her enough attention and didn't take her mental health seriously enough. I absolutely lost my rag and she laughed at me when I suggested our friendship had become a bit intense and unbalanced.

I still feel guilt about it a few years on. But honestly it taught me a very valuable lesson about boundaries....

Yes, this.

Alongside maybe suggesting therapy or a support group for the specific issue.

I would try to make it clear that for you fishing is not a space for processing issues, it's a space to decompress and get away from them.

Her need to process is so valid but it does not trump your need for escapism and enjoyment, and she needs to find other appropriate supports.

Wise advice