Secrets behind the very high achieving of families you know?

[Santatree]

How come some families are so high achieving? Is it money? What way they parent? Private schools?

This is true what is meant by OP.

DH career and education level is high achieving to his peers he grew up with and in area he's from.

Lifestyles wise no so much - 30 years ago we'd have the big house in the nice area - now we have the reasonably size house in okay area and watch our money like most others.

I got what I wanted out of life 3 kids nice house but probably wouldn't be consider high achieving despite good education levels. Our kids will likely end up the better educated potion of their cohort - as it a low education area generally.

The few really high achieving individuals we know we met at uni all from slightly higher social economic background but not really high - they were very focused vey career driven many are still single or settled down much later in life. One or two were making contacts - sporting and in area of work in their teens. Their kids are younger than ours so way to early to say how their kids are doing really.

The school has a prep boarding school and unless the child is disruptive, will go through, the next entrance exam is at 14.

I wont name the school but i can assure you it is and was one the UK top private schools, with exam & sporting result way way above the national average

Quite. There is a lot to be said for having a financial cushion. Not having to work whilst going through university, being able to have decent accommodation, not substandard digs in some grotty house share, and knowing that a monthly allowance from Granny is coming, it all helps in building a certain confidence in a person. That is just a small example.

I think valuing education and instilling a bedrock of confidence that you belong in any room, and that what you have to say and offer is valuable and important. Frequent praise and an interest in your child’s interior life as a human being!

That’s what my parents gave me and I’ve noticed the people who seem to have had it and those that don’t. It’s a fundamental core of self-belief that, while not unwavering, keeps you going in tough times.

There was no money, and if anything status was something that was questioned and interrogated. It was far more about doing something of value and not abusing your intelligence or using it for nefarious purposes.

Do you mean high achieving, ie salary? Over £100k? Because I'm not.

Nature and nurture. Mainly nature. Why in some families are some children content, with inner confidence, and their siblings not, as AllIHave says below.

Discipline, leading to self-discipline, commitment, resilience and embracing the notion of investment (not financial, but effort based) as opposed to immediate gratification. Pushing your comfort zones, believing in yourself.

@Lastbushome24 They now lead a very middle class life eg nannies, skiing holidays, musical instruments, children in private school.

that's not just middle class. that's upper middle class.

The biggest things is solid mental health and relationships. Having parents who put their kids well being first. The ones who choose their house based on the school. I had a single mum who chose not to date because she realised she couldn't really give me the attention I needed if she was also dating. She bought a tiny falling down house near the best school.

Money is important but only so far as being secure. People that worry about heat/food etc aren't operating high enough up Maslows hierarchy of needs to achieve properly.

I'm from a high achieving family:

• no television before about 7pm & even then, no commercial stuff; BBC news & current affairs mostly
• lots of hobbies after school & weekends, which we were required to take seriously
• lots of books, lots of reading - my parents would generally read in the sitting room after supper
• eating together - depending on schedules it was either a sit down breakfast, or formal evening meal. And reasonable, civilised conversation was expected at the table.
• Big work ethic: we were expected to do well, but it was never competitive: it was always about living up to your own standards. Never about making money but always trying to be a better person
• resolutely non-commercial: no value given to brand names, logos, celebrity
• affluent, but we went to state schools - family money was invested into extra-curricular and family activities: tennis, sailing, riding - those were our "sports" to balance what we mostly did which were creative arts/performance training activities (and we did all these things at home - lucky to have a tennis court & room for about 8 horses at one point)

I had a very happy childhood - it was always productive but not hot-housed. I was rarely top of my class, and team sports were a mystery to me. But I'm now at the top of my profession, as are my siblings - we all work in interesting & unusual (if not lucrative) careers. We all work very hard and are interested in the world and other people.

You probably didn't need to say you were affluent, the use of the words Supper and Sitting Room gave that away 😂

@scandinista I wouldn't necessarily see such people as "high achieving" - driven and materially successful, of course, but what you outline doesn't sound like much of a range of achievement, in my view. But then I was raised very differently, and quite anti-materialistically.

Money goes a hell of a long way

And valuing education

Well yes, of course @Seekingstyle - but we never had much cash, as such! my mother (and then me) made my clothes, and we took lunches from home, and we rarely went on anything other than camping holidays. My parents' priorities were just different - old fashioned upper middle class, I guess. I realise that this background of affluence enabled so much of my childhood - it's why I work in the public sector and try to give something back, in return for my good fortune of birth.

But the OP was asking about high achieving families ...

Couldn't agree more! Success is so relative.

Knowing how education can open doors is a major factor. So many young people just do not understand that qualifications can open doors to better careers and life options. It should be taught from a young age and education should be equal for all children.

How are people defining high achieving?

I wouldn't put money into that bracket. It is an enabler but not a critical factor. Neither would I put being White into the absoulte musts (again an enabler however).

My family has very humble backgrounds but almost all of us for the last two generations have had internationally renowned roles, or nationally senior roles.

In our case equity of opportunity through education and a focus on the long term skills and conditions that support excellence have been key. As well as being decent human beings so that even though we weren't born into the right nnetworks and are not White British we can and are comfortable networking.in circles we were not born into.

Agreed @CurlewKate - this is what I'd call high achieving. I know how difficult the field your DS is in, is - reasonable modest success is only for the out of the ordinary talented.

Thank you to people sharing their stories - these are all so interesting, and actually inspiring - that so many don't equate "high achieving" with "shedloads of money." Gives me hope!

Genetics.

Plays a massive part in a lot more than we currently know.

To be a high performer you need to be:

• smart, but not too intelligent (the excessively intelligent follow their interests, not the money)
• able to concentrate and deliver tasks (some ND help this, some hinder)
• healthy (enough to put in the work)
• emotionally intelligent (enough to pull the right social tricks off to move upwards)

All of these are heavily influenced by genetics. Not exclusively, but much more than we give credit for.

So many posters seem to agree that money is important. Yet thread after thread we read that money is not important, that quantity oftime spent with our kids is more important and that's why many mums chose to be SAHM or working very part time.

Money IS important. That's why I opted to work FT throughout my kids childhood. Of course, wouldn't it have been perfect to have both, but like many/most, it was a case of one or the other.

Money (not tons of it) allowed my kids to grown up in a decent area and go to decent schools. All comprehensive with average results but where they were heard, respected, and encouraged to work to their potential. They got to do all the activities they wanted. This exposed them to interests, hobbies, new friends, learning to socialise, and indeed, commit to things at times they didn't want to do anymore.

Money paid for travel and discover new culture, learn that not everybody think or act like they do and that doesn't make others wrong.

Money paid for tutoring when they needed it. For any books they asked for. It paid for DoE, for special excursions.

It later paid for trips to visit universities to make sure they picked the best one for them. It helped with paying some driving lessons, helped with their first insurance. Both of them worked from the age 16 but it was so nice to be able to help them.

So yes, money definitely helps, but what they learn from those experiences are as valuable. A mixed of both really.

@vivainsomnia "So many posters seem to agree that money is important. Yet thread after thread we read that money is not important, that quantity oftime spent with our kids is more important and that's why many mums chose to be SAHM or working very part time"

Generally speaking the only people who say that money is not important are people who want to discredit the fact that poor children are at a significant disadvantage in many areas of life-particularly in education.

I don't agree CurlewKate. You just have to read the threads about women wo king FT, those who leave their children to wrap around care. They get so berated every time.

Then you have those who insist they could never work FT because being present for your kids is so much more important than money.

The reality is that everyone wants both. Many think they are entitled to both.

How did James Middleton get into Marlborough?
Other factors may be at play.

TBF we were bought up in total poverty but we had a sitting room and a dining room, even mum sometimes didn't have enough food to cook an evening meal.

Its just what her parents called them, it doesn't mean affluence