Secrets behind the very high achieving of families you know?

[Santatree]

How come some families are so high achieving? Is it money? What way they parent? Private schools?

Money, at the root of it. They pay for the best schools and extra curriculars, the kids never have to want for or worry about anything so they grow up super confident. They also have enough money that the kids can take multiple risks career wise as there's always Daddys money to bail them out.

My grandparents were variously illiterate or left school at 12 or 13 max. None of them had any idea about education but were open to children taking advantage if an opportunity arose. It only did for a few. 1.left school at 12 to go into the local factory. Father died when he was a teen and he kept himself and his mother as an apprentice. But, he was very bright and involved in trade union work and became a councillor
Subsequently called up WW2 and rose through the ranks to be an officer. Hard work and War were his opportunity. 2. Took her opportunity to take exam for a free central school. (You had to pay for a Grammar. She passed and took school Certificate and went to college. Teacher. But, their children /grandchildren, went to Uni and had professional jobs - doctor, dentist, barrister, teacher etc. The common thread was high respect for their children, education and hard work. So, e.g., children always ate with their parents and encouraged to join in discussions. Loads of newspapers, books at home.

OK and that's your perogative. What level of achievement do you call high?

We home ed, with lots of extra curriculum activities. It's staggering the pace of learning, and quality of understanding, that comes from one to one tuition. We are currently a couple of years ahead of the curriculum. We praise lots, we focus on a drama free family life, and we are learning/discussing all the time. Its hard work for us as parents, but rewarding to see the results. It's amazing what kids are capable of, given the tools, and the right environment.

Completely agree, the two most successful people I know had extremely well connected parents who opened doors for them, plus, because they come from that background there is no self doubt or feeling like an imposter. It’s so hard to replicate some of this success without money or connections, not impossible, but much much harder.

Yes fair point! High achievement in capitalist terms is probably not allied with deep personal contentment. You are right that wasn’t the question.

My sister and I were both high achieving - amongst the top grades in the school in GCSEs and went on to get As at A-level and both of us have first class degrees. We are from a low income family and went to the local comp school. Had social services involvement with our family due to my brother's difficulties. So life wasn't easy at home for us. But our parents were both degree educated and my Dad had a good work ethic. I watched my parents read and play instruments for relaxation. I watched my Mum go to evening classes to learn languages when I was a youngster, even though she had 3 kids to care for. I watched my parents grow their own veg / fruit. They exercised for pleasure. They read to me extensively. The pursuit of knowledge and personal improvement was modelled in my family and was normal to me.

DH and I got a good education and we both work like dogs, when we are working and spend a great deal of time and interest on our children when we are not.

Based on two doctors I know:

• natural intelligence (top of the class in everything)
• conscientious attitude
• stable personality
• stable background (not necessarily rich)
• supportive families (not pushy and not academic)

Both were from very ordinary backgrounds and went to local state comprehensives. They now lead a very middle class life eg nannies, skiing holidays, musical instruments, children in private school. Both happen to be very modest and unassuming too.

So based on my very small sample I would say intelligence and high achieving in school are the most important factors.

The people I know who are successful in business are also very clever and high achieving in education.

Hot housing. Knowing HOW to pass the exam isn’t always the same thing as having a natural intelligence.

You can get a highly paid desirable job with access, so think Kate Moss's daughter now a model herself.
So access to opportunities is one factor.

Confidence is another, this can come from having a family cushion in case you fall but the confidence to take chances, some work some fail.

As for high achieving children from average families, education. If you want to be an IT guru, or maths whizz working out probabilities for insurance companies (this pays quite high) you have to be able to actually do some stuff. This is a route to achievement.

University opens many doors.

You don't need cello lessons or trips to the Caribbean if you can embrace all the opportunities state school and your local area can give you.

Instill in your children a work ethic, resilience, emotional and social intelligence, that the world doesn't owe them a living and that's a good base to climb from.

Look at footballers, very few of their children become footballers, because being Daddy's son isn't enough you actually have to be one of the best footballers at that time.

There's no secrets. There is no single path to high achievement. Partly because it means different things to different people.

You can't hot house a child of average intelligence to pass those exams, they are effectively IQ tests. Maybe a child already on the borderline of passing (already significantly above average intelligence). I've tutored children for those exams and I can tell in the first session if they are going to pass, regardless of how many hours of intensive 1-2-1 tuition and piles of homework I give them.

@twistyizzy you seem to be judging achievement by money. My children are both what I consider high achieving - my DS is well regarded and well know in a musical/cultural field but he doesn't earn a lot of money- does he not count in your book?

It really depends how you are defining "high achieving".

The sort of achievements I would look for DDs to have is to feel content and fulfilled in whatever paths they go down and to feel that they can cope with the slings and arrows that life inevitably throws at them, and to be able to come to me and I'll have their backs.

I think this is achieved by providing love, kindness and stability and modelling positive behaviours yourself, and how you cope with adversity.

This is the most accurate answer so fat.

Work ethic is the biggest one. Children need good role models and parents having a good work ethic and working as much as they are able is important. Having parents interested their children’s education is also important, those that spend time reading with their DCs, encouraging homework, taking part in school activities, providing opportunities for extracurricular activities, taking part in the community.

Hopefully you’re open with the parents about this before you take their money!

Being born by very wealthy parents who will put you in a good school, tutors if needed ans then provide the connections for your employment.

At primary age, the entrance exam isn't at all difficult.

Reference from their current state primary school, interview with the children and more importantly parents and their financial means... and a very cursory exam.

Combination of all.

A lot of ds1's school friends seemed to have it all, as a year group. Very good nice local school. All quite well rounded. All finishing uni now, nice boys (and girls), nice families, bright, off to good unis, liked playing sports, going out and partying. Few had much anxiety. Some did instruments or sport to a high standard, but too it all in the stride, and didn't stop them engaging in friendships and parties, so I don't recognise the loss that pp's mention : eg SigmaBead : "the constant pressure, all missed events, some missed friendships, lack of family and personal downtime, ".
I appreciate that may happen for some, top Private schools, boarding etc. some dc. Maybe some with very pushy parents, or dc with sn, or anxiety. But nearly all the schools here are good, and many, a large proportion of the dc seem grounded, rounded, thriving.

A lot of superficially, what society considers to be, high flyers have had money and privilege thrown at them from a young age but not necessarily much else.

When you look at a lot of the super rich and particularly those with very famous parents, or in entertainment, they actually have had quite an awful upbringing and are deeply unhappy and insecure.

Add that to unlimited access to drugs, alcohol etc and it is a toxic mixture. Some are able to get over it and shine through but some have a terrible time.

So that's why I say the basics are love, kindness and stability. Yes, a work ethic but I would always tell DDs to work smart not hard and I model working reasonable hours while getting a good salary. Money helps but can also be a curse for some if the basics are missing.

Because the term "high achiever" generally refers to people who hold high profile/highly paid jobs.
Personally I don't care what someone does

Yes, I always informed parents what I thought the chances of their child getting in were but also said that confidence building and working on weaker skills would still benefit them at secondary school.

They don't automatically allow the children from the primary school into the secondary. My brother went to private prep and secondary and several of his friends were discreetly informed around Y4 that they needed to start looking at alternative options for secondary school. They went to the private school which takes children without an entrance exam, but it's certainly not "top", in fact, the results are often worse than state.

If you mean families where the parents are professionally successful and their children do the same, then I think there are certain factors that nearly always come into play:

Valuing education (whether state or private)
Parents setting good behavioural examples to their children.
Engaging with their children. Talking with them, not at them.