Secrets behind the very high achieving of families you know?

[Santatree]

How come some families are so high achieving? Is it money? What way they parent? Private schools?

I really don’t think it’s money. I have seen quite a few children from families with no money produce kids who do really well. I think it’s about modelling. Parents who read , talk to their kids about issues, the world, etc and who treat them as if their opinions and thoughts matter. Homework, actually spending time with their children not shoving them in front of the tv or a games console.

My niece is at Oxford and her parents are really hard up. She went to a state school, but her parents are both huge readers and very creative. Her grandmother is highly successful academically and spent a lot of time with her.

Two nephews from single parent household with no money have also done really well but they had a lot of input from grandparents who modelled hard work and aspiration.

Well, thats why i said "there will always be exceptions" & now a days, council grants and scholarships are long gone, its much harder, especially as the Grammar school route is largely been taken over by the MC and private tition to get through the 11 plus.

I had a MC mum but due to marriage breakdown, we grew up with absolutely nothing at all but she instilled in us all to educate ourselves BUT that was made so much easier by access to free HE and FE education, indeed they actually paid me to go to college, £600 per term! which in the 80s was a significant amount of money.

Would i have been so keen on taking on 50k in debt, coming from a very poor background? no, i'd have just got a job.

That’s very true.

Money and relations. It's more "high privilege" than "high achieving".

Having high expectations and the means to scaffold them. So, the expectation that you will go to uni/ become a top sports person/musician/get a high flying job, and the money PLUS the time and resources to get everything they need to support that - good schools/books/study trips/tutors/equipment/instruments/connections/supportive family.

My DD was a very high achieving gymnast (national level). She trained for 20 hours a week, costumes were £350+ each, fees were £220 a month, competitions could cost around £500-£600 a time for travel, accommodation, and tickets, ensuring proper nutrition …no matter how brilliant or how great your potential, unless you have support it is impossible to achieve.

Good health & generational wealth.

I live near a very prestigious private school and see the pupils going to lessons on a Saturday morning as I'm on site then. For me there is an air of self discipline, self respect, drive and ambition about the pupils. I see them walk across the site, there's no messing about or untidiness about them - they just have an air of success about them. Money certainly helps (they wouldn't be in the school otherwise), but they are polite, confident and just seem destined to succeed in life.

From what a friend of mine told me, who was a teacher at a private school , a lot of the high acheiver/celebrity families were basket cases...

A lot of low income/low achievement families are basket cases too. I'd rather be a high achieving and well off basket case!

Everything is easier if you have some spare money. Everything.

Yes to this!

They get on with it and don't spend their time worrying about how other families do things

Spare money is subjective though and after a certain level (covering enough to eat/roof over head etc) it is about making choices and priorities.

Interestingly I know very few families where all the children are high achievers - and those I do, the parents were absolutely militant about the child’s education, made all their choices for them etc.

Among my other friends / family, it’s more mixed (some siblings successful, some less so) - but a general theme is definitely expectations of what they will achieve, and support in getting there well beyond school and university.

I also think peer group has a massive influence- I have two groups of friends where basically all have ended up being quite high achievers (met at a good uni which helps…) but it’s been the norm and expectation in the group that you’re going to do well and people have. It could be a coincidence of course, but there is definitely an undercurrent of competition / expectation of success.

Intrinsic and extrinsic motivation is a point to consider, not just work ethic.

I have one high achiever who is totally extrinsic. Left to their own devices they will do NOTHING but once they understand the task expected they work hard and over achieve. Call it people pleasing, lust for glory or thirst for praise, it gets the results.

The other is a medium all rounder with areas of high interest and achievement. You can push as much as you like trying to reinforce the weak areas, but it has to come from inside them.

Same parents, same family work ethic. I worry about their future to the same degree.

This exactly describes some old friends. The parents were very sporty and the children also did loads of activities - tennis, cricket, hockey etc. Every child played the piano at the very least. The children went to state schools then did well at university. All 4 now in a profession (medics etc) The house was not a show home, but large enough for a piano and loads of books and board games. The house was chaotic but happy. Yes and the children watched loads of TV!

We know a Wimbledon winner (close friend of friends). A lot of it is luck 😃 and a lot of hard work.

I think @soupfiend had nailed it - both my parents were professionals, I’m one of many siblings, we all went to state school, all have found our niche (in very different fields), all “successful” by the usual milestones. My parents encouraged reading, hard work, not being gifted things but earning them and it’s an attitude which has definitely shaped and enriched my life, professionally and personally.

It's all about work ethic but also the ones who are most successful put the least amount of pressure on their children to do things they didn't want to do. They had them in clubs etc but nothing they didn't want to do, so if they tried ballet for a term and didn't like it they didn't force them to continue beyond the period of time they'd paid for. But they also didn't pull them out of things and taught them to see it through even if you're not keen on it. Some of the kids dropped out others thrived in the club.

None of the truly successful people I know were privately educated.

Praise, and instilling confidence from a young age.
Extracurricular activities.

Generally, high achieving parents have high achieving children. Going to university and becoming (Insert X profession here) is seen as the norm.
It’s expected of them since birth. You’ll even see it on Mumsnet when mums are contemplating the costs of having a 3rd child.

Having a lot of money helps.

Work ethics, ample resources, capabilities, parental involvement and example.

I think what I mean with my post is

Work ethic
Perseverance
A strong self identity
Opportunity to explore

In the case of the people I know it’s that their home and their kids are their focus all the time, so they chat and play with their kids in the evening or do sports or bring them to clubs, then evening and night after the kids go to bed is cleaning and planning and organising. Saying that when you look closely they all look wrecked!! I think they have to be that organised though because all work ft with commutes

The most high achieving siblings I know didn't have a lot of money growing up, but they also weren't poor. They were left to their own devices a lot. Latchkey kids type set up. I sometimes wonder if that's why they're all so successful, but they've all struggled with mh issues too and two out of three if then.are alcoholics

They prioritise and value education