Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Prepared to be called pathetic, but I am scared!

98 replies

justdarent · 03/12/2024 15:22

I know I will get some robust, snotty, and sneery replies but I genuinely need help. For the next couple of months, I have to drive along a dark dual carriageway for about 8 miles - not terribly busy I will add, but, dual and in the evenings, weekly. The on and off mergy bits are also dark and twisty.

I have always been anxious about driving on 'big' roads - happy to negotiate driving in the busiest cities and along country roads, but the thought of speed just feels almost phobic-like.

I have managed to do it once, with dh next to me, but since then, he has had to take me. (only once)

I'm due to do it this week and it is absolutely ruining my week, I cant sleep, I want to cry and I feel I will have to give up the event (which is hugely important to me) rather than try.

If I try to talk to anyone about it, they are in two camps 'Oh for goodness sake, it's easier than the daily driving you do'; or 'Oh God, I could NEVER do that'

DH is 'come on, you've done it before, it's not hard...'.

I honestly don't know how to get through this.

OP posts:
shellyleppard · 03/12/2024 15:24

Op I used to be the same driving at night. You have my sympathy. I just used to grit my teeth and get on with it x

mindutopia · 03/12/2024 15:25

Try solution focused hypnotherapy for driving anxiety. It’s really effective for exactly this sort of thing.

wp65 · 03/12/2024 15:26

Hi OP, I'm similar and you're right, it's like a phobia. I find the more you avoid it, the worse the anxiety gets and the only way to counter it is to grit your teeth and just do it (easier said than done, though - I've definitely made progress but haven't cracked the phobia yet).

NC2025NC · 03/12/2024 15:26

Can you practice beforehand?

HPandthelastwish · 03/12/2024 15:27

If it's not busy go at a speed that suits you, obviously not 30mph but if there is no one else around you don't need to go 70mph.

Also, put the SatNav on even if you know where you are going, it's weirdly comforting.

Eyresandgraces · 03/12/2024 15:27

Have you tried doing it in the daytime so you know the road?

maxelly · 03/12/2024 15:28

Huge sympathies, no snark here. It's not easy to overcome anxiety and although I'm sure you are more than capable try telling an overactive brain that!

Apologies if I'm asking really stupid questions here, is you doing the drive absolutely the only way to get to this event? Is there a longer b road route (even if it's 16 miles rather than 8), just knowing you have the option to pull off and go the long way round might be helpful. Can DH go with you even the first time? Any public transport or taxi availability?

I'd be tempted to try and practice some breathing exercises and my mindfulness type techniques, then give myself mental permission to not do the drive if it doesn't feel safe, then see how you go. Is it the sort of event you'd absolutely need to pull out of in advance or could you have the option of going or not going right up until the end?

Whiteblanket · 03/12/2024 15:28

I know this will sound daft but maybe consider an eye test.

When I was really struggling with night driving it was helped with a new prescription. Also headlight glare glasses to go over the top.

Just something that helped me. Good luck.

ShyOpalShaker · 03/12/2024 15:29

You have my complete sympathy. I had very similar feelings. Do not let anyone bully you into feeling silly. Try it driving at a speed that you feel comfortable with. Good luck.

ooprlgd · 03/12/2024 15:29

I know this isn't helpful right now OP, but I'd love for you to come back in a couple of months after doing it frequently and saying how you feel then. I suspect you'll get a lot more comfortable with it, exposure is key.

Original poster
justdarent · 03/12/2024 15:30

I have done it in the daytime yes, a few times in the past, but it's the dark that gets me!!

I was so proud when I did it the once so I know I can - I guess it's just the thought...I think I will just have to grit my teeth and go slowly! (well 55ish!)
As I say, it's rally not a very busy one, and it a short distance...
I feel so pathetic!

OP posts:
LilacLilyBird · 03/12/2024 15:30

Fog lights help a lot just be sure to turn them off for oncoming traffic

That in itself can take your mind off the situation looking out for oncoming cars

Sticking the radio on

RisingSunn · 03/12/2024 15:30

I feel for you.
The motorway at night and country roads are the stuff of nightmares for me.

Grit your teeth and drive at a speed comfortable to you. (Though not dangerously slow).

Original poster
justdarent · 03/12/2024 15:31

maxelly · 03/12/2024 15:28

Huge sympathies, no snark here. It's not easy to overcome anxiety and although I'm sure you are more than capable try telling an overactive brain that!

Apologies if I'm asking really stupid questions here, is you doing the drive absolutely the only way to get to this event? Is there a longer b road route (even if it's 16 miles rather than 8), just knowing you have the option to pull off and go the long way round might be helpful. Can DH go with you even the first time? Any public transport or taxi availability?

I'd be tempted to try and practice some breathing exercises and my mindfulness type techniques, then give myself mental permission to not do the drive if it doesn't feel safe, then see how you go. Is it the sort of event you'd absolutely need to pull out of in advance or could you have the option of going or not going right up until the end?

There is a country way, which I used before in daylight- maybe another 3 miles..could be an option!

OP posts:
CombatLingerie · 03/12/2024 15:32

Could you drive the route a few times during the day OP and build some familiarity and confidence with it that way? I agree with @wp65 it will get worse the more you avoid it. I regularly drive a really long distance and I still get worried about it sometimes. I break the journey into much smaller stages in my mind and just concentrate on getting through the journey that way.

Giggorata · 03/12/2024 15:33

Firstly, I would drive up and down that road in daylight, so that you're absolutely familiar with it, and the merges.
Then you can also test what is the maximum speed you are comfortable with. You can probably get away with 50 mph at night.
I agree about the satnav being comforting. It will help with the twisty merges, too.
I would bet that your confidence will increase before the end of the two months.
Good luck.

MMOC · 03/12/2024 15:34

justdarent · 03/12/2024 15:31

There is a country way, which I used before in daylight- maybe another 3 miles..could be an option!

Show quote history

Go the country way. I say this as an oldie who hates duel carriageways.
I drive 30 miles to work going the country route and it’s not much longer time wise.
The best bit is absolutely no anxiety and I actually enjoy my drive to work.

Original poster
justdarent · 03/12/2024 15:35

Thank you for all being so nice! I was expecting some 'for goodness sake, stupid woman' comments!!

It's something that I need to do for the next couple of months weekly, and I can't really pull out.

I will absolutely try this week - maybe forcing poor dh into sitting with me again (and going to the village pub, while I do my stuff!)

I don't know what it is exactly that scares me. Maybe if I could rationalise it.. Someone mentioned hypnotherapy, which I have considered to be honest

OP posts:
CombatLingerie · 03/12/2024 15:35

Sorry cross post with someone already suggesting daytime practice OP. If there is another route you are more comfortable with I would do that irrespective of 3 more miles.

Hercisback1 · 03/12/2024 15:37

Can you try in the day?

The more you do it, the better it will get.

Original poster
justdarent · 03/12/2024 15:39

I think I will try tomorrow or Thursday afternoon pre dark, one more time....

OP posts:
Giggorata · 03/12/2024 15:41

Years ago, I had to combine two teams at work. One of them involved hardly any driving, but they were required to suddenly drive all over the place, motorways too.
Two of the women were really scared at the prospect and considering leaving, but I put them both through an advanced driving course, which specialised in nervous drivers, motorways, city centres, etc.
I'm happy to say that it worked marvellously! Well worth the money.

Original poster
justdarent · 03/12/2024 15:42

I think an advanced course may be a good move generally. I will need to drive more and more so something worth thinking about

OP posts:
Itiswhysofew · 03/12/2024 15:42

I sometimes drive to the airport on a dual carriageway at night, and it's very dark.

I'm generally a confident driver, so have no issues driving along a dark carriageway, but I often see drivers who may not be, driving slowly. Why don't you do the same? You don't have to drive at the speed limit. So long as it's not too slow, you'll be fine.

Don't feel pressured to go faster.

BarbaraHoward · 03/12/2024 15:46

You say for the next couple of months - how often? If it's daily, I would just do it, once you've driven it a few times you'll be more confident, it's the starting off that's worst.

If it's just the odd time then yes, take the country route.

Sympathies, this wouldn't bother me but a pressure parking situation would make me very nervous in advance (and of course, nervous overthinking is the least helpful thing when trying to park in a tight space on a busy street.