Prepared to be called pathetic, but I am scared!

[justdarent]

I know I will get some robust, snotty, and sneery replies but I genuinely need help. For the next couple of months, I have to drive along a dark dual carriageway for about 8 miles - not terribly busy I will add, but, dual and in the evenings, weekly. The on and off mergy bits are also dark and twisty.

I have always been anxious about driving on 'big' roads - happy to negotiate driving in the busiest cities and along country roads, but the thought of speed just feels almost phobic-like.

I have managed to do it once, with dh next to me, but since then, he has had to take me. (only once)

I'm due to do it this week and it is absolutely ruining my week, I cant sleep, I want to cry and I feel I will have to give up the event (which is hugely important to me) rather than try.

If I try to talk to anyone about it, they are in two camps 'Oh for goodness sake, it's easier than the daily driving you do'; or 'Oh God, I could NEVER do that'

DH is 'come on, you've done it before, it's not hard...'.

I honestly don't know how to get through this.

I'm the same OP but with me it's the speed and the dark. If it's only once a week and not that far, could you afford a taxi there and back? Or, would your DH drive you and wait the 2 hours in the pub for you (though obviously not getting shit faced)! Alternatively, if you don't mind dark country lanes could you take the longer route round?

Could you get your driving instructor to accompany you for one night?

Think of it as the universe giving you a leg up. It's not for long and you may feel triumphant when you've done it.

Maybe use a sat nav to keep you company? Sometimes they help.

I hate driving in the dark nowadays but find the country roads tons harder than the dual carriageways.

The trick is to always know which lanes you should be in. I agree with a PP about having the sat nav on to guide you.

He has done that once and I'm sure he wouldn't mind but I feel so bloody useless needing a bloody man!!

I keep a tin of Nelsons Rescue Remedy Pastilles (Orange and Elderflower) in the car. They seem to help tremendously with driving anxiety.

Thank you all. I will do another practice tomorrow during the day and hopefully manage on Thursday evening!
I'll return to update

I don't know what it is exactly that scares me. Maybe if I could rationalise it.

You are overthinking it and it is making your anxiety worse. A better option is to use coping statements - like, I have done it before and I can do it now - or to distract yourself by listening to something on the radio. If you avoid it you will make your anxiety worse. Overthinking in advance also makes stuff like this worse. Similarly having someone with you will keep reinforcing the idea you cant manage this. I bet you have done some really difficult things in your life. You can do this.

If you’re terrified, I think you shouldn’t do it.

Thank you @hotflushesandchilblains Absolutely this

If you’re terrified, I think you shouldn’t do it.

I get so stressed driving.
I whack on classic FM to soothe me 😂 then look like a crazy person ranting to myself.

Works though I get to my destination intact 😂😂

Terrified may be the wrong word. I have done it, so I know I can do it. It makes me very anxious. Once I was actually on it, I was less anxious, but it was still difficult.

Knowing i need to do it again is bringing up those scared feelings

I’m all for trying to do things you’re scared of, but is it worth the stress? I don’t think anxious drivers are always safe drivers. I work with one and she scares me in the car.

I get that...it's a difficult one, though. I really want to conquer it.

I would invest in some driving glasses to reduce glare. Also keep doing it. After 7 or 8 trips you will be more used to it and find it much easier. The more you know the road the easier it is to see the road.

I wouldn't worry about it if he doesn't mind. We all need someone sometimes and if you can't ask your life partner for help then what's the point! It's better than you getting in a state and spoiling your event.

Just practice a few more times. The driving itself is easier in double carriageways. I do get the fear of darkness and speed. But once you know which exit you need to take and what to do in case you miss an exit, you will be ok. Practice at least once at night before your event. Do not give it up. You can do it!

If you don’t feel like you can keep up with the speed of the traffic and be aware of everything going on, then that’s a valid worry and by not attempting it, you’ll be preventing a potential crash

It's rational to be cautious about driving. It takes skill, and focussed attention.

A bit of anxiety will make you more alert and cautious. Very logical.

So, recognise the anxiety, and understand that it's a protective and logical response, notice what the effects are in your body. Deep breaths and let your shoulders relax a bit. And do it anyway.

Feel the fear and do it anyway is good advice for this type of situation. I think you'll do fine, OP.

Definitely put the sat nav on, and possibly a podcast so you have something to distract you from your fear

1. Practice during the daylight hours paying attention to the rules of driving on multi-lane dual carriageways (e.g. keep left unless overtaking).
2. The speed limit is an upper permitted limit, not a speed you must drive at. You should drive at a speed that allows you to stop within the distance you can see to be clear and a speed at which you feel comfortable, as long as that speed is not excessively slow (e.g. doing 10 mph on a 70 mph road would not get you on the right side of the law).
3. When driving, frequently scan the road ahead as far along and to the side of the road as you can see. This massively reduces the risk of "it came out of nowhere" moments and gives you the ability to anticipate/see hazards ahead and take appropriate action, which might be partially fueling your fear.
4. At night, the catseyes tell you the location of slip roads (green reflectors) and the edge of the carriageway (red reflectors). Lane markings have white reflectors along them.
5. Be aware of the possibility of glare from oncoming vehicles when approaching local summits or driving around blind bends. You will get some warning as the light from the oncoming vehicle is visible before it shines in your eyes. When I cycled 10 miles each way on unclassified roads to commute to work, I used to avert my gaze slightly down and to the left if I could anticipate I was at risk to get dazzled (drivers often don't dip their lights for cyclists).

I thought I would update. The session was last night and I genuinely was ready to do it. However...the weather was utterly horrendous - dh could see my jitters and kindly offered to take us- we give a lift to someone too - they are not a driver, which isn't a problem at all.

I didn't feel at all pathetic at all this time, as it was driving rain and very windy -and even dh was saying 'this is shit weather to drive in!'

The next one isn't until the first week of next year so I'll be using my time to practice and repractice