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Original poster

Prepared to be called pathetic, but I am scared!

98 replies

justdarent · 03/12/2024 15:22

I know I will get some robust, snotty, and sneery replies but I genuinely need help. For the next couple of months, I have to drive along a dark dual carriageway for about 8 miles - not terribly busy I will add, but, dual and in the evenings, weekly. The on and off mergy bits are also dark and twisty.

I have always been anxious about driving on 'big' roads - happy to negotiate driving in the busiest cities and along country roads, but the thought of speed just feels almost phobic-like.

I have managed to do it once, with dh next to me, but since then, he has had to take me. (only once)

I'm due to do it this week and it is absolutely ruining my week, I cant sleep, I want to cry and I feel I will have to give up the event (which is hugely important to me) rather than try.

If I try to talk to anyone about it, they are in two camps 'Oh for goodness sake, it's easier than the daily driving you do'; or 'Oh God, I could NEVER do that'

DH is 'come on, you've done it before, it's not hard...'.

I honestly don't know how to get through this.

OP posts:
FoxFaceRabbitFish · 03/12/2024 15:51

I’ve been driving 14 years and have gone through really bad periods of driving anxiety. It’s still not something I’m totally relaxed about and any unexpected change or unplanned drive that I haven’t done lots before stresses me out.

I definitely agree that the more you do it the easier it will feel and if you can get some practice in where you have less pressure, eg not when you have to be at the destination for a certain time, the better.

I do a volunteer role where occasionally I finish at 2:30am, and in order to decompress before getting home (5 mins away) I’ve done a big loop around my city on the roads that usually scare me. I think it’s really helping as I get to practice the junctions and roads but there are barely any cars, it’s actually quite relaxing. This might be a bit extreme but maybe you could try the drive later at night, or very early morning, so that you can practice in the dark when you know the roads are quieter?

Other things I do are have the satnat with audio directions on even if I know the route, as a bit of a comfort blanket. Make sure you’re wearing comfy clothes and footwear, have a drink handy (like a bottle with built in straw) that’s safe to sip from.

I also had some extra diving lessons a few years ago which was good for building my confidence.

Good luck!

balletflats · 03/12/2024 15:55

What is your eyesight like? I used to struggle with haloes around streetlights and oncoming traff8c. It was cataracts developing. Now I have had the operation I find driving in the dark so easy as I can see properly.

MarmaladeSideDown · 03/12/2024 15:57

LilacLilyBird · 03/12/2024 15:30

Fog lights help a lot just be sure to turn them off for oncoming traffic

That in itself can take your mind off the situation looking out for oncoming cars

Sticking the radio on

Er.. no. You are not allowed to use fog lights when it isn't foggy.

ooprlgd · 03/12/2024 15:59

Fog lights help a lot just be sure to turn them off for oncoming traffic

Oh good god

harriethoyle · 03/12/2024 15:59

Try the Pass Plus course @justdarent - I did it after passing my driving test and it really helped with my confidence

Original poster
justdarent · 03/12/2024 16:03

To answer a couple of questions - it's once a week - 7 to 9pm, for about the next 8 weeks or so; my eyes are ok! Had a test recently, I do wear glasses abut think all is good there.
I'm working tomorrow morning and have decided to do the route early afternoon - there and back, just for practice before Thursday night!

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 03/12/2024 16:05

justdarent · 03/12/2024 15:35

Thank you for all being so nice! I was expecting some 'for goodness sake, stupid woman' comments!!

It's something that I need to do for the next couple of months weekly, and I can't really pull out.

I will absolutely try this week - maybe forcing poor dh into sitting with me again (and going to the village pub, while I do my stuff!)

I don't know what it is exactly that scares me. Maybe if I could rationalise it.. Someone mentioned hypnotherapy, which I have considered to be honest

I think you sound very sensible.

Recognised your limitations and have accepted a longer route that's comfy would be better for you.

I wish the people I have to contend with going 50mph in the centre lane of the motorway would be as thoughtful and self aware!

itsmylife7 · 03/12/2024 16:05

Are you very familiar with the layout of the twists and turns on the road,if not keep driving up and down as much as possible when it's light.

Then try driving just at dusk until you're more confident.

Doggymummar · 03/12/2024 16:07

I hate driving anywhere in the dark. I wear yellow glasses to minimise glare and go at my own pace. If that's 50 so be it. Sometimes I pull over if it's safe to do so, in the rain as I can't see properly

RelativePitch · 03/12/2024 16:08

I feel your pain OP. What's particularly depressing is that I was a super confident driver in my late teens all the way through to 40. I bloody loved driving! And over the last decade, little by little, I have become so fearful of driving fast roads in the dark. Especially if I know there aren't going to be many other cars in order to follow their tail lights. I think it's a combination of perimenopausal anxiety and failing eyesight, possibly cataracts.

Bramshott · 03/12/2024 16:11

I am a confident driver, but I certainly don't like joining unlit dual carriageways in the dark. For some reason I find it really hard to judge what lane the cars coming along the road already are in.

Wishingthingsweredifferent38 · 03/12/2024 16:13

Anna Mather on instagram has a therapy series on driving anxiety, maybe worth a look?

Original poster
justdarent · 03/12/2024 16:14

Wishingthingsweredifferent38 · 03/12/2024 16:13

Anna Mather on instagram has a therapy series on driving anxiety, maybe worth a look?

Oh thanks! I'll check that out

OP posts:
Doingmybest12 · 03/12/2024 16:14

Clean your lights, make sure your screen is clean. Tell yourself you are fine and in control. Doing it a few weeks on the trot will really help your confidence and you'll be pleased you persevered.

Original poster
justdarent · 03/12/2024 16:16

I think positive self talking is something that I need to do. I have lived a lot of years (!) and done a lot of things which are much harder than this!!

I can do it!!

OP posts:
Wishingthingsweredifferent38 · 03/12/2024 16:16

Oops, sorry it’s Anna Mathur (not Mather)

You’ve got this 💯

AltitudeCheck · 03/12/2024 16:16

RelativePitch · 03/12/2024 16:08

I feel your pain OP. What's particularly depressing is that I was a super confident driver in my late teens all the way through to 40. I bloody loved driving! And over the last decade, little by little, I have become so fearful of driving fast roads in the dark. Especially if I know there aren't going to be many other cars in order to follow their tail lights. I think it's a combination of perimenopausal anxiety and failing eyesight, possibly cataracts.

Please, if you think your eyesight is failing or you are developing cataracts go and get your eyes tested!!

Continyjng to drive is beyond irresponsible!! You are a danger to yourself and others if you can't see and your judgement of speed /distance may well be impaired.

Knowingly driving while impaired, whether that's from alcohol, a health issue or a sight issue is likely to invalidate your insurance and could lead to far more serious consequences.

Emotionalsupporthamster · 03/12/2024 16:17

Dual carriageways are the best roads to drive on in the dark. You’re not getting blinded by oncoming traffic right in front of you, and you have the cats eyes as well. And, presuming it’s not a city dualler you’re talking about, less chance of people dressed in dark clothing darting across and assuming they’re more visible than they are.

I do get it, I remember being terrified, as a fairly new driver, about the commute on major roads to a new workplace. But you’ll find that without a choice you’ll do it and get used to it really quickly.

Icantdothus124 · 03/12/2024 16:18

I'm leaning to drive, I've got a test booked for March, my instructor had just started taking me on big roads, the A14 to be exact, and it's bloody terrifying, I don't want to do my lessons anymore because I'm so scared but I have to do it, I feel your pain I really do

TallulahBetty · 03/12/2024 16:22

HPandthelastwish · 03/12/2024 15:27

If it's not busy go at a speed that suits you, obviously not 30mph but if there is no one else around you don't need to go 70mph.

Also, put the SatNav on even if you know where you are going, it's weirdly comforting.

Edited

No - this will make her a hazard. Aim for the speed limit unless road/weather conditions dictate otherwise. Being scared of the road is not a good reason to driver dangerously slowly.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 03/12/2024 16:22

If you love music, I find that can help my mood when driving. Might help you?

DogInATent · 03/12/2024 16:22

LilacLilyBird · 03/12/2024 15:30

Fog lights help a lot just be sure to turn them off for oncoming traffic

That in itself can take your mind off the situation looking out for oncoming cars

Sticking the radio on

No, just NO to fog lights for driving at night.

TallulahBetty · 03/12/2024 16:23

RelativePitch · 03/12/2024 16:08

I feel your pain OP. What's particularly depressing is that I was a super confident driver in my late teens all the way through to 40. I bloody loved driving! And over the last decade, little by little, I have become so fearful of driving fast roads in the dark. Especially if I know there aren't going to be many other cars in order to follow their tail lights. I think it's a combination of perimenopausal anxiety and failing eyesight, possibly cataracts.

Get off the roads until you have an urgent eye test.

Purplecatshopaholic · 03/12/2024 16:26

You get through it by gritting your teeth and doing it - the more you do it, the less scary it will be. Seriously, don’t let it beat you, you can do this. Dont be too tentative either - sometimes than the opposite - drive to the conditions and the speed limit.

EggandStress · 03/12/2024 16:28

Hi OP I 100% empathise.
I'm starting a new job next week which means I have to drive every day (previously went on train) and will have to go to places I don't know, possibly using'big roads'.
I'm terrified and feel ridiculous.
DH knows how I feel but he can't really help - even if he takes me to work he can't drive me around during the day!

It's awful and making me feel very anxious.
No help for you really, but you're not alone.