Prepared to be called pathetic, but I am scared!

[justdarent]

I know I will get some robust, snotty, and sneery replies but I genuinely need help. For the next couple of months, I have to drive along a dark dual carriageway for about 8 miles - not terribly busy I will add, but, dual and in the evenings, weekly. The on and off mergy bits are also dark and twisty.

I have always been anxious about driving on 'big' roads - happy to negotiate driving in the busiest cities and along country roads, but the thought of speed just feels almost phobic-like.

I have managed to do it once, with dh next to me, but since then, he has had to take me. (only once)

I'm due to do it this week and it is absolutely ruining my week, I cant sleep, I want to cry and I feel I will have to give up the event (which is hugely important to me) rather than try.

If I try to talk to anyone about it, they are in two camps 'Oh for goodness sake, it's easier than the daily driving you do'; or 'Oh God, I could NEVER do that'

DH is 'come on, you've done it before, it's not hard...'.

I honestly don't know how to get through this.

Dual carriageways are the best roads to drive on in the dark. You’re not getting blinded by oncoming traffic right in front of you, and you have the cats eyes as well. And, presuming it’s not a city dualler you’re talking about, less chance of people dressed in dark clothing darting across and assuming they’re more visible than they are.

Dh's exact comments!!

When I've done it before, I do drive at around 55 - 60 in the slow lane (only two lanes) so I feel that's not too slow. I obviously get overtaken, but that's fine!

I've heard about this happening around menopause OP, though I don't know if it applies to you.

I think you have to keep practising. I know I always get a shock when I do the first school run after October half term and it takes a couple of nights to get the hang of it.

My route is 7 miles on 60mph single lane country roads and as the school run is for private school, this is at 7am and 7pm. Because I also drive it when it's light, I know every single twist and turn, every road that turns off, where all the potholes are and where the exact single point is that I can overtake. But this has taken hard years of 6am gym trips and 7am school runs in the winter.

You can do it but practice makes perfect.

pay for a few driving lessons with an instructor who knows the road well. Have the lessons at the time you need to use the road.

If you are scared then you are scared, nothing to be ashamed of. We are all scared of something.
I almost without fail find the things I am scared of doing much easier and better than I'd worked them up to be. Would listening to some music or a podcast help you relax while you drive? 8 miles will absolutely fly by at 55mph ish, it will be over so quickly. You say its fairly quiet so you wont have to worry about being a bit slower than normal. Personally, I'd be out practising at night and pushing myself to do it. The more you do it the better you will be. You'll be absolutely fine.

Definitely do this! Put your car through the car wash and give the inside a proper clean (when it's dark so you can see any smears). It's been 'dirty' weather round here and headlights get grubby quickly.

Sounds ridiculous but one hour of hypnotherapy gave me 6 months of confidence in the car.

Been driving for 35 years OP and really have always struggled in the dark, now with modern headlights I find it awful you are not alone. As others suggested do the journey in the day, also doing the journey "on Google Earth" you can go along slowly and make sure you know where your lanes are and when you need to be in a particular lane. Do not feel silly, as I say been driving 35 years I regularly drive on the likes of the M25 and in the dark, it is horrible. Just imagine yourself after you have completed the first journey how good that will feel, by the end of your stint you will be so used to doing that journey x

https://www.theguardian.com/wellness/2024/mar/29/how-a-shrink-on-wheels-helped-fix-my-driving-anxiety

I enjoyed reading this, if it helps. Not immediately helpful for this week but can you find a friendly (perhaps older and female) driving instructor who could give you some reassurance lessons?

I’m a bit like that going up to ikea on the m6
i can and have done it but prefer DH to do it
m5 south while length no probs

If you have time before you start doing this, why not book a few driving lessons at the specific time of day required. Explain to the instructor the purpose so they will practice the route over and over, or at least on and off the exits so you get used to it with the comfort of dual control

I'm growing to like this idea a lot. I know of a hypnotherapist who did this for a friend in a similar position, so I will contact them.

I was never been a nervous driver until the last couple of years.
First I span off the road in mud and wrote the car off - all people and my son's meatball marinara were fine.
Then this summer someone drove into me at a roundabout. Neither of these were my fault and because I didn't see them coming they shook me up somewhat.
Combined with the glare from bright headlights and the increase in foolish drivers (or maybe that I have become more cautious in my 50s), I've started to get nervous.

What stops it becoming more is a good talking to. I live rurally, I am a lone parent; if I stop driving or get too nervous it will impact my life hugely. I cannot allow this to happen (if it happens through ill health or something then I will have to deal with it). So I get on with it. I drive carefully, I look twice, I don't care if I'm taking it more slowly than the git behind me (I'm talking going 40 on a 60, but it's a narrow, unlit, rural road).

I might take some driving lessons so a professional can help me with my confidence.

Do not use fog lights if there is no fog. One of the good things about driving at night is that you can see other cars and their lights easily. In some ways I prefer driving at night for this reason.

Ignore the fog lights advice. Doing that won’t help in the slightest. Fog lights are so other drivers can see you…in the…um…FOG. You’ll get stopped by the police for having them on when not needed.

I've been driving for 36yrs and only in the past few have I started to dislike night driving.

I've bought some of the yellow tinted glasses especially for night driving. They take off the glare from the white LED headlights of other cars. When I put them on, I tell myself they're my super power night driving specs (you have permission to laugh!), that sort of helps!

Since I've got them, all of my friends have as well. They're only a few pounds on ebay or amazon. Might be worth a go, tell yourself you're invincible when you're wearing them!

If it helps it will also be much easier to merge on in the dark due to others headlights, I find merging onto busy motorways in the daytime more stressful!

I lost my confidence with driving a little after having children but I do try to push myself as the fear definitely gets worse the longer it gets. I do struggle to drive at night though as I have astigmatism so I find it really difficult to focus my eyes properly when there’s bright lights!

Other posters have suggested advanced driving courses.

You could also book a couple of refresher driving lessons, one in the driving school car so that you have the safety net of the dual controls and instructor's extra mirrors, and one in your own car so that you get used to driving your own car on the route but with coaching from a professional driver.

I really feel your pain op
I've given up driving as I can't deal with the stress ( I know this isn't any help to you )
Lights are dazzling these days on some cars which doesn't help either
I hope you can overcome your fear , it's not good being as I am with driving.

The dual carriageway is probably safer than the country lane in the dark. You can stay in the slow lane and do 40 if you want to (although it will take longer 😀) once you have done it several days on the trot you will feel much more confident. Lots of people don’t like driving in the dark but actually once you get used to it in the winter, it can actually be easier as you don’t have the sun in your eyes ect. You just need to get used to it and unfortunately the only way to do that is to grit your teeth and do it a few times.

I'm absolutely fine on every other road, in every other condition. It is just this. It's because I have never really had to do it - so the helpful responses are giving me the courage and ideas to conquer it

Make sure the lights on your car are clean. Get as good a view as you can.

The glass lights on my car have yellowed, and it makes night driving much harder. I’m getting them replaced, and until then I just drive that car during the day.

Try practicing driving at dusk, so you don’t have the fear of going out when it is already dark, and you can get used to it more gradually.

Is it a dual carriageway with a central reservation? If not, the speed limit is 60 like a normal road anyway.

Definitely this. There were a few things I was rubbish at doing (reversing into a bay, driving on country roads) and I just avoided doing them, which of course meant the problem was never actually resolved. I booked a few driving lessons and told the instructor exactly what I wanted to focus on and it really did help hugely. Well worth the cash.

Just doing it is the only way, and doing it repeatedly. You have to make it familiar, so I would go up and down it several times when you don't actually have to. In other words, practice.

I have the same thing with the narrow lane I live on! I would think nothing of driving for hours on an unlit motorway but 2 miles on a single lave road with occasional passing places I find horrendous.