Can anyone make me feel better about having an only child

[PuddingOwl]

DD is 3. She is the most delightful little girl but I suffered horribly with peri and postnatal depression and we have decided not to have another.

I don't feel sad for myself as I know I don't want to go through it again but I do feel terrible for my daughter having to grow up an only. Everytime on of her nursery pals gets a new baby brother or sister I feel a pang of jealousy for her that she will never get that. I read people on here and other forums saying how much they hate being onlies and it just kills me. Like I'm letting her down.

Has anyone had the same 🙁

I’m an only and have always been perfectly happy about it. Never missed having a sibling and, as I get older and see friends going through family dramas, I actually feel quite relieved not to have to negotiate elders care, finances etc with anyone else. My DP (eldest of 3) credits my adeptness at networking and making friends, and self reliance to my onlyness.

I'm an only, so was my mum and my DS will be too. It's totally fine because it's just what you're used to! I often find that people who didn't like it actually had an unhappy childhood for another reason and what they really wanted was an ally in the unhappy situation. She will be OK, help her to foster close relationships with friends and cousins if she has any.

I have a brother. We don't get on and he's a net loss in my life. The supports of an only, the responsibilities of a sibling.

Not everyone has a good relationship with their sibling.

I was an only child. It was great. As an adult now, I’ve never once wished for a sibling. Really no child ever wishes realistically for a sibling. I have two, because I wanted two children, not because I didn’t want the eldest to be an only child, and they often ask if I could put the other one back. It will be fine if that’s what’s best for you.

I agree with pp that having a sibling definitely doesn't mean you will get on with them.

My son is an only child and I used to worry a bit about it. When he was young I made a big effort to invite his friends over and always encouraged him to socialise with others.

He has grown up with a large and varied bunch of friends and is very sociable.

I have asked him on occasion whether he minded not having brothers and sisters growing up and he always said it didn't bother him. In fact he knew some of his friends found their siblings annoying didn't envy them at all.

Dd is now a teenager and says she is very happy is he is an only child.

we are able to raise her exactly as she needs to be raised, without compromise for other children. This is especially important for our dd because she has “high functioning” autism. Running a household for a mix of children would be much more difficult. Of course we didn’t know that when we were making our final decision on how many children to have.

we are also able to provide so many opportunities for our dc that she would not get if she had siblings. She has taken trips, been to sleep-away camps, and been able to take extra-curricular activities all tailored to her interests. We don’t have to compromise on money or scheduling.

I'm an only and have always been very happy with it. All my best friends have siblings that they just never see. It's not the automatic connection many think it is.

I had 3 miscarriages then 1 DD who is now 6.
I was sad at first that it was going to be very unlikely that she had a sibling as I am one of 5 and we have a lovely family dynamic. Now I am used to it and can appreciate the benefits we have. DD is a happy, sociable little person who has loads of good friends. I can afford to still be working part time and we do things together after school and have a great relationship. We can afford to do things for her that we couldn't if we had more children. My brother has 3 children with a 6 year gap between each and they don't get along and they can never do family days out without upset all round as they are all at such different stages. One of my sisters has 2 with just over a year between them and she is exhausted, stressed and has no time or money. I work with a lady who is a twin and she and her sister absolutely hate each other. They both work in the same building and if they run into each other it can end badly. There are pros and cons to every situation and over time you will come to terms with things being different to how you imagined and start to really love what you have.

I didn't plan to have an only but I now realise it was meant to be.

My DD is wonderful. Resourceful, smart, hilarious, great communicator. She loves living in a quiet home, she has her friends round whenever she likes, she has all our time & attention, we can pay for most of what she needs without too much trouble, we are very close. She has always said that she is happy without a sibling; after all, this is all she knows.

Myself and DH have siblings and those relationships are not always plain sailing. There is no guarantee your daughter would get on with a sibling.

I felt like you, it was heartbreaking, (multiple losses) but now mine is a teen I wouldn't have it any other way. I'd say from around age 6 people stopped assuming I would have more.

I've read that you shouldn't have more children for the benefit of your current children. You have to do what is right for you and your child will be absolutely fine.

I really needed this thread today, thank you op.

We have an only Dd age 6, she is the sole product of 8 rounds of ivf (one earlier this year and one last year which ended in a heartbreaking miscarriage).

I’ve been ok for months but have really been struggling with it over the last couple of days. It’s lovely to hear other peoples positive accounts ❤️

I have an only who is 8, by choice rather than circumstance. It was the right decision for our family.

There's an enormous amount of advantages to one, more time, money, energy, all resources. My husband and I find it much easier to have time to ourselves, time as a couple, and life as a family of three is good.

DS is now at an age where we can really enjoy travel, going out all without the concessions and compromises my friends with 2+ children make. Plus no dealing with sibling squabbles!

Sometimes life throws us different things I wanted 2 or 3 children but due to infertility issues had one child .
I felt guilt at first that I had deprived him of a sibling and had to put up with comments that he will automatically be a spoilt brat because of only child syndrome.
My son is now 30 and had a great childhood which he remembers fondly and he has turned out to be a caring man with his own family .

I had six miscarriages but managed in the middle of them to have my one boy.

He has a lovely life - lots of hobbies, friends, family around, pets… we can focus our time, resources and love all on him :)

He’s easy going, funny, confident, lovely-natured. If someone had told me when I was young I’d only have one child, I’d have felt sad. The reality is very different though - he fills me with joy and I’m just grateful I got to be a mam and have him :)

I'm an only. It was absolutely fine growing up as one. I'd have been ravingly jealous of any siblings tbh.
The only thing I would say is, make sure you have an amazing life for yourself so that when she is older, she doesn't feel that sole responsibility to her parents too heavily.

People may hate being onlies, but the grass is always greener. Most grown up onlies I know (including DH and DS) are perfectly happy. On the other hand people also suffer terrible problems from siblings causing untold hurt and upset.

You feel guilty on her behalf, so she's too young to feel strongly one way or the other. She may prefer it as she gets older, you can't know yet.

In fact it sounds like you are sad because you would have liked another baby, totally understand, I was in the same position too. However, you should not project your negative feelings onto her, that risks making her sad for something because you are.

Make the most of giving all your love and attention to your DC - even though you only have one.

I am an only child. My Mum had pre-eclampsia whilst pregnant with me, and consequently I was born 11 weeks early weighing 2lb 8oz. I have amazing parents, and don't feel I missed out by not having a sibling. I have no experience of having a sibling, so therefore I have no idea what there is to miss! I had friends growing up, went to pre-school before I started school etc. Some children don't grow up having a great relationship with their parents, and if you're an only child, that's going to make life tough and change your perspective on having no siblings. Having siblings doesn't automatically equate to having a wonderful relationship with them - you only need to look at MN posts to see that!! My son is an only child too, I had a rough birth and wasn't prepared to go through it all again. When people say 'Oh you'll forget all about the birth', mmm...well no, I haven't and it's been 14 years! It was shit, and it will still be shit in another 14 years!! My son is well-balanced, independent, kind, curious minded boy with a fantastic sense of humour. Don't dwell on it. Your child will be perfectly fine.

The book Parenting your only child is great both at alleviating the guilt by highlighting the benefits etc and giving you practical things to minimise the possible downsides. I found it very helpful.

DD is an only, we just make sure we allow lots of playdates, she very socialable and makes new friends easily. She 9 now and says she's happy not to have a sibling.

I’m an only. It’s been mostly great! My childhood was pretty gilded, I could and did do pretty much anything i fancied hobby wise. I’ve always had lots of friends that are as good as siblings - I’ve known many of them since school and I'm 50’s now.
unfortunately my parents were also older so died when I was fairly young, everyone was very sympathetic about me having to ‘deal with it all on my own’ but i found it easier as i could please myself, didn’t have to consult or consider anyone else’s feelings. The rows DH’s extended family have had after bereavements were something to behold! And of course I didn’t have to share the inheritance.

We have two. They fight like drunks and always have done. They’d have both been perfectly happy, preferred even, to be onlys. Having a sibling doesn’t mean they will get on!
DH has two siblings who he can take or leave really - they get on mostly but don't have much to do with each other despite living within half an hour.

Think research shows that an only child can be quite beneficial, so avoid all the spoilt brat or lonely only tripe. Our DC is an only, we were slightly ambivalent to having a second, it didn't happen after a few years, so then concentrated on DC.

I have a sibling. Not spoken to each other in over 20 years. Wasn't to be seen when DF was dying. Now have elderly DM, she gets the odd phone call whilst I do all the caring. Sometimes think it would be easier being an only so I wouldn't have the resentment at least I would know I would be dealing with it all on my own (well not on my own as DH has been a rock). DH has siblings, but rarely seems them, not due to any falling out but just busy lives and distance.

DC seems quite content in his own company, but also has a good group of friends.

I do worry that we are a very small family so DS might end up on his own, but I think he is quite resourceful and doesn't need a large crowd. I think his character would certainly have struggled with a large, noisy family.

Only. Married to an only.

We both agree that we have had so many privileges compared to other kids.
Neither of us have ever significantly missed having a sibling (bar someone to swim with on holiday) and it's a relationship I can't really comprehend.

In fact, for every close sibling relationship, I see relationships where one child needs help with a parent (e.g. Christmas entertaining/ generally keeping in contact and supporting) , and their sibling blithely ignores the situation, leaving it in the lap of their sister to deal with and I think the resentment has got to be far worse than being only.

Your daughter needs a healthy, happy mum far more than another child in her family.

DD is an only child. She's spoilt horrendously 🤣. I love being able to spend my money on her.
She's incredibly happy.

I know a few onlies who are very confident , mature , popular - also happens to be good looking which is an advantage I suppose

My DD8 loves been an only child. She often tells me how annoyed her friends get with their siblings and she understands that she is rather spoilt as she is my main focus - I think if was to have another child now she'd hate it after the baby stage

Pay attention to all the squabbling siblings you see - I can guarantee you that having siblings is not a cure for loneliness or boredom - sometimes quite the opposite!
My DD 4 is also an only. She has started asking for a sister which makes me feel very guilty. The thing is, she does this when she and her bestie at school play 'sisters' where they walk around arm in arm laughing a lot. Obviously she wants a sister like that, ie her best friend who she has great fun with but doesn't actually have to share her parents with. I know the reality would be quite different because she wants a lot of attention from us and would find it very difficult to share it.