Can anyone make me feel better about having an only child

[PuddingOwl]

DD is 3. She is the most delightful little girl but I suffered horribly with peri and postnatal depression and we have decided not to have another.

I don't feel sad for myself as I know I don't want to go through it again but I do feel terrible for my daughter having to grow up an only. Everytime on of her nursery pals gets a new baby brother or sister I feel a pang of jealousy for her that she will never get that. I read people on here and other forums saying how much they hate being onlies and it just kills me. Like I'm letting her down.

Has anyone had the same 🙁

We have one toddler DC - IVF, no other frozen embryos and the cost to have another child is mentally/ physically/ financially is beyond us anyway. We're very happy as a 3 and our life is really lovely together! It's also hectic so I couldn't even imagine another! It's only on internet forums where I see any guilt at "only" having one child.

I'm an only as is my DS. We've got DSD now but he was raised as a only.

When I was younger I'd have liked a sibling to bear some of my DM. But I've seen larger families ripped apart as they battle for individuality. I made up for being an only with friends. My friends are family to me.

My DS loved being an only. He had all my attention and despite having really string friendships he loves his alone time.

Does she have cousins she can be close to?

Being an only child is extremely lonely, both as a child and as an adult once parents start getting older, your DD will need navigate your ageing, care and eventual death on her own. My own experience has made me believe having only 1 child is cruel but that's MY opinion.

My husband was an only child and has never felt that he missed out. There was a ten year age difference between my and my brother so it felt like I was an only child for much of my childhood and teen years, and I was perfectly happy to have my parents' full attention all the time! Neither my husband nor I grew up knowing any of our cousins.

I made a conscious choice to only have one child and have never regretted it for a second. I don't feel it was in any way a selfish decision and I don't believe that she lost out in any way.

Having siblings doesn’t guarantee closeness or support as an adult. I have two sisters and we send a text or two every few months. No falling out just very different people. For various reasons I know all the care will fall to me when parents become elderly. I don’t think my situation is particularly unusual.

Just make the right decision for you and don’t question it or analyse it too much. It’s easy to idealise the (potential) sibling relationship but the reality can be very different.

I'm an only. I have one adult daughter. One is fun! Stop worrying

If you look at the research, only children do better in life on almost every metric, including higher self-esteem, better educational outcomes and higher earnings.

There is no evidence at all that they are more spoilt or selfish.

They have better relationships with their parents than children with siblings and also tend to have closer friendships to replace the bonds they might have had with siblings.

If you look at sibling relationships in adulthood, they are just as likely to not get on as to get on. There's hundreds of threads on MN about difficult sibling relationships and in real life I know more people with toxic or problematic siblings who constantly cause trouble or need to be rescued or become estranged than people with lovely, supportive siblings who have close relationships and lean on each other for help in hard times.

In my experience dealing with elderly relatives, the more people there are to theoretically be sharing the workload, the more it gets piled on one person as its assumed “someone else will do that” as they skip off on holiday or similar.
At least on your own you can make decisions that suit you without worrying about anyone else’s opinion!
Sorry you are dealing with dementia, it is a very hard road.

I have a younger sibling , we have never ever gotten on , I haven't spoken to them in years. A sibling brought nothing positive to my life at all

This is pretty much the experience of most of my friends with siblings. It all gets loaded onto the most capable 😏

I have one child, and don’t feel this way at all.
But, I do think about us being older parents…

This is exactly what a few of my friends have said. Conflict with siblings over everything stuff is more draining than the actual situation 🙄
Thank you 💐 it is very challenging 🤯 xx

Just have the conversations now to manage everyone’s expectations is my top tip. Don’t leave it to guess work when it’s too late and 1,000 times more difficult for your child x

This is my fear

Fortunately yes she does have a cousin just a few months younger who is also an only so when we do family things like Sunday lunches and Christmas they entertain each other.

I have only one child and not see anything wrong with that. Life is more easy with one child. When my daughter school I got free time for myself and not need look after another baby

@BraveBlueDuck so anyone who has fertility issues and can only have one child is cruel?

Being an only child doesn't mean they are going to be lonely, there have been many positive examples on here.

A child can be lonely in a large family if their personality is different to their siblings, or their parents don't have much time to spare for them. How an only child feels can be very much down to how they are parented. DS is an only, he is very happy in his own space and has a close network of friends.

I have had to negotiate the care and death of parents by myself, my DB is nowhere to be seen

Gosh. So much this !!

I agree and really think any parent should be making some sort of plan for the years towards the end of their life where they might need care. Parents with more than one child can still sleepwalk into a situation where no one really knows who wants what. It’s a bit odd to me that, if you have the means to do so as a grown up, you would just have zero contingency plans, all sorts of things could happen that prevent your kids from looking after you when you’re older.

OP I’m a very happy adult only child. Don’t have kids as yet but would prefer to have an only child myself! Some siblings have great relationships but I’d say it’s 50/50 from the families I know closely as to who gets on with siblings and who doesn’t. Which aren’t brilliant odds tbf.

DS in an only, but it has bought lots of positives for us. We love being in our little family of three, everyone gets to indulge in their hobbies, he gets a bit spoilt on Birthdays and Christmas, holidays are easy and a bit cheaper. He likes it, he's a teenager and says he wouldn't want a sibling as he likes it as it is.

I originally wanted more children but it wasn't meant to be. I do work a little harder at making sure he has social opportunities and also at not ensuring he is overly spoilt!

I have an only thorough choice/circumstances, she's just turned 7.
I agree with what PP say that people stop asking about a 2nd child when they get past about age 6 which is good!

DD's rarely asked for a sibling.
If anyone ever asked me I say I had post partum psychosis, a shit partner and uninterested grandparents (on my side).
I can't imagine loving another child as much as DD.
She has loads of friends and I'm a bit like a big kid myself who is happy to play and dance.

I'm not a big advocate of siblings tbh.
My brother is an (ex) addict always on the brink of some disaster. I love him but he's a pain in the arse.
When my parents die he will be no help at all.
My partners 3 siblings are very self centred people and there has been no end to the disagreements they've had over the years.

With an only you also get plenty of time for yourself. I'm an introvert and if I don't have time for headspace every day I'd go raving mad.
It's common these days to have an only.
Enjoy your life and every stage with your child and don't worry!
You are meant to have the number of children that is right for you
😊 x

lots of siblings dislike or even hate each other. People always seem to forget that.

We have 5 kids, pregnant with my 6th. So I do really enjoy the chaos of a busy house and I feel like everyone always a friend (although they generally also each have someone they are in a mood with too :P )

That being said- there is a sort of intimacy of just having one that you can’t replicate. I remember when it was just my eldest and it was so much easier to just go do all the baby groups, sleep when they sleep etc. I remember taking him on holiday on my own, whereas I couldn’t do that with 5 of them. There is the obvious financial benefits of just having one and I think hobbies are easier to accommodate- although we do have everyone in whatever clubs/hobbies they want to be in, it’s just more of a squeeze time wise. Holidays are certainly easier with one child- I currently need to book two hotel rooms wherever we go so everything is much pricier.

There is also no guarantee they will be close. I have two sisters who I’m very close to but DH has a sister who he hasn’t spoken to for 8 years.

I am an only child OP and I don't feel shortchanged. I guess I've known no different. I appreciate that it can be wonderful to have a sibling, but for very person I know with a healthy sibling relationship I know another person who has a tricky sibling relationship. I am lucky to have a handful of wonderful friends who have my back and they mean the world to me.

I also have an only DS who is almost 18. His father and I separated when he was 5. He's not an only by choice but unfortunately I had a pregnancy related brain haemorrhage.

When he was young I went through periods of awful guilt about his only child status. I spent a great deal of time worrying about it and fearing what the future might bring.

My worries have proven unfounded. In general he has been a happy, optimistic, enthusiastic young person.

Of course we've had ups and downs but that is how parenting goes. We've generally been close, he is my sunshine and my pride and awe at the person he has grown into has increased year on year.

Inevitably as he has grown up he has become more independent so we are close but in a different way these days.

When he was younger I was mindful about facilitating friendships where possible. Although, I tried not to push this too hard as I didn't want my worries about him being an only child to become a self fulfilling prophecy for him. He may, or may not, see it as a negative thing, (and I'd never dismiss his concerns), but I also wanted to model to him that we are a tiny but nevertheless perfectly imperfect whole family with all we need for a good life.

These days he has a wide friendship circle which is important to him and which of course at nearly 18 is not my business to engineer! However, most of his mates are lovely young people and for the last few summers I've driven 4 of them to Cornwall for 2 weeks in the summer where they have had a ball whilst I relax and read interspersed with joining them for the odd walk, surf and meal. Last year another 5 joined us via train and I barely had to lift a finger to cook all week. That week I had a tearful moment remembering the fear and grief I felt for his future when he was a toddler. I regretted the time I wasted worrying about the future rather than savouring the moment. I realised that although plenty of things have been very hard, none of them were related to him being an only child, and none of them were things I saw coming.

Sorry for the long rambling post OP, I absolutely don't want to minimise your feelings. But with the benefit of hindsight my advice would be to try not to let your worries about the future overshadow everyday life. All we really ever have is "this" moment and worrying about what "may", or "may not", be can rob us of living in the moment.

You are entitled to your opinion but like other posters I have seen over and over again that these issues tend to get piled onto one sibling and it can cause huge arguments between them.

On top of that my plan for aging is not to look to my DC to facilitate my care. I intend to be responsible for myself for as long as possible and if that becomes impossible I hope to rely whatever services remain after the government has finished decimating them! . I didn't have a child with any expectation for them to ever take responsibility for me. Life is stressful enough, without me adding to it with difficult expectations of them!

My DD is an only. She wanted a sibling, but only because all of her friends had them, her cousins too - so she didn’t know many only children. Me and her are very close though, so I played with her a lot when younger and made sure she always has friends over etc. Now as a teen, friendships matter more. All of her friends don’t really get on with siblings as they are at different life stages. I did have a second and they have a 13 year age gap - so we are always joking that the baby will feel like an only too - and my daughter is more interested in hanging out with friends anyway.

I have a sibling - and the biggest difference I see between those with siblings and those without is their strong communication skills and ability to “adopt” family through friends. (I know im generalising but it’s an observation).