Dd talks to me like shit

[Bundles22]

DD is 14 . I'm honestly getting fed up with how she talks to me. She talks to me like im shit on her shoe . There's been no argument so fall out nothing.

She's not being bullied she seems happy with her friends at school. I knlw sge gets a bit stressed over school work which ages getting help /support with . But that still gives her no right to talk to me how she does.

Some of it is typical teen stroppy stuff . But steady honestly verbally horrible to me. Few examples.

I wake her for school in the morning. First words said in a nasty tone , fuck off /go away. What ever .

I ask for her washing she makes nasty comments like how dare I ask for her washing.

When it's time for dinner she says i don't want that it's shit. Ask her what she wants she snaps nothing at me.

When I write it , it feels very typical teenage stroppyness. But its several times a day everyday. I honestly feel like she hates me. I have told her to stop talking to me hiw she's does there's no need for it . I don't talk to her that way .

I didn't want to out any thing emotional onto her which I did not . I just kept telling her not to speak to me like that . But its gone on for months now. So I have now told her that hiw she talks to me makes me feel like shit . I thought if she knew she might stop . But she does not seem to care .

In a nut shell I just want her to talk to me on a normal way . I get there are teenage hormones etc . But this is all day every day. Every time I talk to her .

About time!

I don't have kids and I'm more than happy to admit I was a grumpy teenager. I'm yet to meet or see the angelic teenagers and ex-teenagers that seem to be 100% of this thread

Were you a grumpy teenager? Or were actually just a horrible person and now projecting? Sighing when asked to empty the dishwasher, or being disappointed at being told no can be grumpy reactions, telling a parent to fuck off is not grumpy, it's verbally abusive. If a man spoke to a woman like that would you tell the woman it's just grumpiness? No, you'd tell her not to tolerate it. And I think it's the same with teens, I respect myself too much to be treated like that.

@Bundles22 she's a normal teenager with a dose of self entitlement from a Mum who does too much for her.

Stamp out the swearing. She tells you to F off, you revoke internet access then onto her phone then any outings planned with her mates/cash. She can be mad at you but its YOUR house and we don't swear at each other in Mum's house. Its a respect thing.

She refuses to give over laundry - don't do it. Let it fester and if she wants it done, she can wash it herself.

She refuses to take dirty dishes back down to the kitchen then she doesn't get to eat in her room. If she tries, you go on up and take your dishes back. Its YOUR house and YOUR dishes. She can buy her own or learn to respect your dishes by returning them so you can wash them.

She doesn't come down for dinner when called, leave her food out and let it go cold. Do this a few times and then just stop cooking her meals. She misses meal times then she can cook for herself.

If you start stepping back and letting her fail then when she does need you to step forward for her again, she will appreciate you more. Give her chores so she can earn cash/privileges back.

Also, at her age, she is going to be angry and depressed and frustrated with you for no reason other than you breathe. Its puberty and hormones and its normal.

How you respond will affect you so learn to breathe deeply, do not engage and step back each time. Your own mental health will be better off for it.

that's ok for tiny children - it is perfectly fine for a teenager who had been told in the morning (per OPs update) that it would happen when she got home.

Teenagers are perfectly able to understand that there is no lift to the cinema with their friends on a saturday, even if mum tells them that on Saturday morning, because they were rude on Tuesday and Wednesday. It concentrates their minds very well.

No, you’re wrong. Nobody here is saying they have a perfect teenager, or that they were a perfect teenager. They are simply saying that telling a parent to “F off” is not normal teenage behaviour and shouldn’t be accepted as such.
A messy bedroom and leaving the odd cup upstairs is teenage behaviour. An eye roll when asked to do a chore is teenage behaviour.
Telling someone to F off when they ask for your dirty laundry is just downright vile behaviour from a spoilt brat who has obviously not had enough consequences for her behaviour in the past.

I’m actually relieved to see so many people talking sense on this thread.

Telling someone to F off when they ask for your dirty laundry is just downright vile behaviour from a spoilt brat who has obviously not had enough consequences for her behaviour in the past.

So basically you are saying you are the perfect parent? And that OP’s teen is acting that way because OP has been a bad parent who has spoiled their child by not having disciplined them?

The range of normal for teenage behaviour goes way beyond an eye roll and the odd dirty tea cup.

Saying “F off” is within the normal range, and usually indicative of them being in a rotten mood and not yet able to manage that while hormone and stresses of school/social, approaching adult hood swirl around them. Swearing is a common normal teen behaviour.

This isn’t a teenager regularly getting drunk or high, engaging in risky sexual or sporting activities. It’s not a teenager out shoplifting or car jacking or other crimes. This isn’t a teenager that disappears for days at time doing god knows what. This isn’t a teenager punching holes into walls or kicking in doors or breaking windows. These, by the way, are all not normal behaviours.

The odd snappy sweary comment is normal. It falls under normal misbehaviour. So normal doesn’t mean acceptable, you seem to have conflated the two.

I'm guessing you're a lot older. All my friends' kids of that age say fuck all the time to their parents.

Doesn’t make it acceptable behaviour.

Yes, well normal covers both acceptable and unacceptable behaviours.

Not normal means extreme behaviours indicative of serious life problems or a mental illness, or a neurological divergence.

This brings back quite recent memories. My DD had a phase as a teenager of speaking to me rudely (no 'fucks' or similar though). It felt like hours of my life were spent saying very calmly: 'Now repeat what you've just said, thinking carefully about your tone'. Sometimes, it took three or four repetitons until the courtesy returned. Until that point, I said nothing else, stalling whatever conversation she wanted to have. It always worked so I never had to resort to sanctions (removal of phone, no friends to stay for a month were sanctions used occasionally for other things). Please be firmer, OP, and sweat the small stuff. This really matters, for the sake of your self respect.

Variants of this approach when she was younger paved the way to this - saying when I said 'no' to a request and she asked the same thing again straight away that I was happy for her to spend the whole day asking the same question but that the answer would still be no or she could spend the day doing something more interesting was a fairly frequent scenario.

Another point about dealing with a teenage girl is to avoid situations that will almost certainly end in a slanging match. This means becoming less risk averse and more tolerant. Lots of dirty dishes ended up in my daughter's room. Rather than nag (something I hate) her to bring them downstairs, I used to tell her that she risked waking up in the night to the sound of mice. (She brought them down periodically.) At 16, my daughter changed school and had to wear a uniform for the first time at secondary level. The uniform code stated 'knee-length skirt'. She folded hers over at the waist-band so it just covered her bum. I used to say 'If school phones about the fact that you are wearing a fanny pelmet, I shall refer them to you and say that you have decided to flout the dress code, not your mother'. (School never phoned or spoke to her.)

Ha ha ha! I wish I’d read this advice when mine was a teenager! I love it. Fanny pelmet😂😂

I don’t think it’s normal at all.

@Bundles22 I’d recommend reading “Get out of my life but first take me and Alex into Town”. It perfectly describes my 14 year old. It may help you to understand what is normal teenage behaviour.

Is she is rude when you ask for her washing - leave hers out. She is actually old enough to do her own. Ditto meal times.

I was a grumpy teen but would never have dared tell either parent to fuck off! I did call mum a silly old cow once and lived (just) to tell the tale!