Dd talks to me like shit

[Bundles22]

DD is 14 . I'm honestly getting fed up with how she talks to me. She talks to me like im shit on her shoe . There's been no argument so fall out nothing.

She's not being bullied she seems happy with her friends at school. I knlw sge gets a bit stressed over school work which ages getting help /support with . But that still gives her no right to talk to me how she does.

Some of it is typical teen stroppy stuff . But steady honestly verbally horrible to me. Few examples.

I wake her for school in the morning. First words said in a nasty tone , fuck off /go away. What ever .

I ask for her washing she makes nasty comments like how dare I ask for her washing.

When it's time for dinner she says i don't want that it's shit. Ask her what she wants she snaps nothing at me.

When I write it , it feels very typical teenage stroppyness. But its several times a day everyday. I honestly feel like she hates me. I have told her to stop talking to me hiw she's does there's no need for it . I don't talk to her that way .

I didn't want to out any thing emotional onto her which I did not . I just kept telling her not to speak to me like that . But its gone on for months now. So I have now told her that hiw she talks to me makes me feel like shit . I thought if she knew she might stop . But she does not seem to care .

In a nut shell I just want her to talk to me on a normal way . I get there are teenage hormones etc . But this is all day every day. Every time I talk to her .

Jesus Christ I would have never got away with this. If she’s rude to you like that, you stop doing laundry, buying things that aren’t essential, giving lifts etc. I don’t think you can really stop cooking dinner because you have to at least offer to feed your child but certainly don’t take any crap over it. She’ll soon buck up when she has no clean clothes to wear and she can’t drive herself to the cinema. Xx

It is not "typical teenage stroppiness", I suspect it's from lack of boundaries established earlier on as harsh as that may sound, so testing the boundaries looks much more extreme vs households where that hasn't been the case. All I can say is my teens wouldn't dare telling DH nor I to fuck off (nor would we have done with ours) not to say it doesn't run through their minds, but I'd like to think they're not disrespectful enough to try it, but if it isn't about respect, it's intelligence to know of the severe consequences they would get if they tried it.

I'm assuming you wouldn't accept an adult telling you to fuck off? So why would you a teenager? My expectations of a teenager are the same as anyone else, hormones are not an excuse. This is why we end up with such bad behaviour in school these days, it wasn't always like it was today (I'm not talking about the days where there were physical punishments!)

This leaning towards “I love you but you have upset me with your words” from parents nowadays is really pathetic and wishy-washy. What’s that going to do? A child telling you to F off really isn’t going to care about that, are they?

It should be “Don’t you ever dare speak to me like that again you rude, ungrateful child” and then serious consequences that are stuck to. Remove the thing they are most invested in- ie their phone or tablet. Turn off the WiFi. Cancel whatever weekend plans they have. It is not acceptable to speak to another person like that and they need to learn that.

When it's time for dinner she says i don't want that it's shit. Ask her what she wants she snaps nothing at me.

But why on earth would you offer to make her another meal when she treats you like that? You don't want this shit? First, don't you ever dare to talk to me like that, and if this is shit, then your options are to eat it or not eat it. After you apologise.

However you want to shape this your daughter is verbally abusive. I am going to tell you that she does not speak to teachers this way or her friends this way because there would be consequence from school and she would have no friends so she is able to control it.

There is a difference between teenage stroppiness and this, this is awful. I have sons who are now adults. Ds1 talked shittily to me once, not swearing but his manner was appalling. I told him straight that no one, no one talks to me in that tone and if this was a romantic relationship he would be out of this house so fast. His Father doesn't speak to me like that so where he gets the idea that this would be acceptable I do not know.

He understood that if he had a friend who talked to him like shit would he want to do anything for them? Make meals? Wash clothes? Food shop for them? No he wouldn't so I would not do that for someone who showed me no respect.

Just because she apologises does not make it okay. She needs to learn that there will be punishments for her behaviour. Ask her what would happen in school if she spoke to a teacher that way? Even if she apologised and hugged it out, what would the punishment be? Ask her why she feels she can talk to you that way?

Stop saying it makes you sad. If she complains about her dinner, take it away from the table. Ask her why she thinks she deserves to eat it. You are raising an entitled madam, stop parenting out of fear of her reaction. Tell her you are first and foremost her parent, yes it would be lovely to be friends too but you wouldn't tolerate this from a friend.

You can have a conversation about it. Get her to consider her actions and behaviour toward you.

I think Hey what’s up bitch? May possibly be friendly, unlike the rest of it.

Another person saying this is not something you should let slide. I've brought up two boys and they never spoke to me like this. Yes they have been grumpy/snappy/unreasonable at times but if either had told me to fuck off while doing them a favour, their feet would not have touched the ground. You need to get much, much stricter here. She needs to learn respect and boundaries. I would immediately stop doing her washing and show her how to work the machine. Explain that you will not wash for someone who is rude to you. I stopped doing my son's washing as he was not putting them in the laundry basket. I refused to follow after a man clearing up his mess. Once you are strict in one area, I suspect you'll start noticing more respect in other areas. But YOU have to draw the lines of your boundaries. A wishy washy approach telling her how she's making you feel is not cutting it at all, you need to draw your respect lines.

I'm sorry but I just don't get this at all. If I had spoke to my Mother like that at 14 I would definitely not be here now and there was never anything like that when I had my two boys. It's so disrespectful and rude. I would not stand for it. You are tip toeing around your daughter and blaming it all on hormones. Stand up to her and tell her you won't stand for it and get her to do her own washing, cooking etc until she shows some respect to you as a parent.

My friend’s Dd was like this. I’d love to say she is now a lovely woman of 35 who regrets her 14 year old self, but she’s not. She’s still the foul mouthed, aggressive, self absorbed person she was then. My kids of the same age used to be shocked at how she spoke to adults. They were average teens, but I would never have tolerated such behaviour from them. They now recognise how poor behaviour impacted lives. She doesn’t and still expects life to apart to her (and yes, two of mine were nd)

Sit her down, explain the consequences if she's rude again (such as no pocket money etc) and then enforce it to show you mean business. No warnings or second chances. She'll soon get with the programme.

'When it's time for dinner she says i don't want that it's shit. Ask her what she wants she snaps nothing at me.'

If one of mine said this to me, I'd have picked up the meal and thrown it in the bin and walked out of the house. She needs a short, sharp shock.

If my teenage sons spoke to me like that they wouldn't sit down for a week!!!! Teenage hormones do not excuse horrible behaviour. If she doesn't like what you give her to eat then she can cook herself something or Go hungry. Same with the washing, if it's not in the basket then it doesn't get done. No excuses for horrible behaviour

You are being far too soft. You don't want her to feel bad - why not? Children shouldn't be shielded and protected from every negative emotion, they are there to help them grow into people that others want to spend time with.

As I said before, I was a horrible teenager, but saying the things you mention to my own mother would have meant a swift reprimand at the very least. Back in the day that might have been a bollocking and no lift to <insert social thing here> - nowadays, take her device, stop her pocket money, don't do her washing. She's not a child, she's growing up. She should understand that her behaviour is upsetting you, and if that makes her feel bad, so be it.

i wouldn’t take stuff as a first go. I would give the option of rephrasing the offending sentence, especially as she seems to have got into the habit of it.

a “would you like to try that sentence again?” Or a pointed silence. Works well for me. But to be fair neither DC would swear at me like that.

Swearing at you is out of order, unless it is accepted in your household. Some is teenage behaviour mixed with outright disrespect towards you.

Why are you waking her up for school op? I had an alarm clock well before that age, got up, made myself breakfast, and went to school. She is 14, not 4.
Either stop doing her laundry, or make it clear that you'll do what is in the basket, if it isn't in there than it'll not be done until you put the nxt wash on.

As for the meals, tell her if she doesn't like it, to cook for herself. You could even say, I will try it, and that you look forward to trying it, to see what meals she deems as acceptable taste like. I would be really upbeat and positive when you say it, like, "Oh great, you should cook, dd, can't wait to try it! Shall we say Thursday?"

It really sounds like you do absolutely everything for her. You are being too soft with her, and don't have boundaries; she is walking all over you because of it.

... wake her for school in the morning. First words said in a nasty tone , fuck off /go away. Assuming she does get up and go to school, you've done what you set out to do. But maybe get her an alarm and stop handling this personally.

I ask for her washing she makes nasty comments like how dare I ask for her washing. This is weird (and immature) as fuck; asking if anyone has anything to add to the load when doing one's own laundry (for example, in a shared flat) is really nice and considerate. But for now, stop asking; let her do her own washing. If she smells, tell her once then back off, just as you would with a friend.

When it's time for dinner she says i don't want that it's shit. Ask her what she wants she snaps nothing at me. Tell her you've noticed that her tastes differ from yours and so you're leaving her alone to do her own meal prep. She can put items she needs on a shared shopping list, within reason.

I know several parents who wont discipline their kids because they don’t want them to feel bad. In every case something has happened in the past that the parent feels guilty about. Is that the case here?

Stop doing her washing or making her dinner. Don’t fight about it, just calmly explain you won’t be doing any chores for her until she can learn some manners.

At 14 - this needs nipping in the bud now. It’s not tean stroppyness, it unacceptable behaviour.

Passive parenting won’t work - you need to toughen up.

Does she speak to teachers & friends like this? I doubt it.

Stop waking her up if she tells you to f@ck off. She can face the consequences for being late.

If she responds with ‘how dare you ask’ for washing. She can do it herself. You are not her skivvy, slave.

Dinner - if she says ‘I don't want that it's shit’. Absolutely fine - that’s what I’ve cooked, there’s fuck all else.

I was born in the 1970’s and I would have never have spoken to my parents like this. Bollocks to all this passive parenting, let’s be friends. She needs to learn some respect now before this becomes a bigger problem.

I think most teens will push the envelope of what we as parents are prepared to accept, in terms of how they treat us. Mine never swore at me (God help them if they did, I genuinely don't know what I'd have done, but we all shared a common belief that it would be epic, so it didn't happen, lol).

But they did do the disrespectful tones, eyerolls, really quite nasty when I was only trying to make their life run smoothly. My go to for when they had crossed the line of what I was prepared to tolerate, was to say, very quietly, 'I want you to think very hard about how you would feel if I spoke to you like that', and leave them to it. Doesn't sound like much, but they knew they'd gone too far, and generally knew bloody well that they'd pitch a fit if I treated them how they'd just been treating me.

Washing gets done when it gets put in the basket. Don't put it in the basket, it doesn't get done. No skin off my nose. I'll let them know which wash I'm doing before I do it, it's their lookout to get it to the basket on time.

Speak disrespectfully about the food put on the table for you to eat? No worries. It goes in the bin. No second chances. They weren't in double digits before this happened. It only happened once, to each. Smart kids. They can help themselves to a piece of bread and butter and a piece of fruit if they want, that's all that's on offer. Of course, when they were older, they'd choose not to eat what was on offer and get themselves deliveroo. Gets mighty expensive, doesn't it? Gosh, you've got a bit of a break out going on there love. I wonder if some fruit and vege might help with that? Just saying. . .

Snarl at me when I'm kind enough to give you a wake up call? Absolutely fine, my love. Better make sure you set yourself an alarm in future, because there's not a snowball's chance in hell I'm putting my hand in that blender again, my sweet. And any consequences for that, of course, are on you. . .

Wow there are a lot of perfect parents with angelic teenagers in this thread, and a higher than average number claiming they were perfect themselves!!

A lot of porkies here methinks.

I don't have kids and I'm more than happy to admit I was a grumpy teenager. I'm yet to meet or see the angelic teenagers and ex-teenagers that seem to be 100% of this thread.

It's a shame there's not more actual advice for the OP instead of all this smugness and people proudly threatening violence.

Thank you for everyone's advice. I will do as suggested and I am putting my foot down. I have to or it's not going to stop.

The only thing i won't be doing is the school suggestion of not waking her for school. Because she just won't go. It won't be a matter of being late . She will not go . Then I will be in shit with fines court etc.

As soon as she comes home from school I'm taking her phone and laptop.

This. Stop doing her laundry or cooking her meals.

it's awful. FWIW my DCs didn't do this, but if they even approached speaking to me in an unacceptable way i told them to quit it. Generally they did.

OP in your shoes:

She is now responsible for getting herself up
She is now responsible for her own washing
She eats what you cook or she can make herself toast (and clean up after herself)
She gets herself to and from wherever it is she needs to be: school, clubs, shopping, parties, the lot
She speaks to you in a reasonable tone, or you don't answer.

etc etc.

Who pays for her phone? how has control of the wifi? the TV?

No, don’t do that. Consequences are for (immediately) after she’s done something wrong, not at random. Explain what you’re doing and why.

There needs to be consistency, fairness and rational behaviour on your part. Do not just randomly take her electronics after school because she was rude to you X hours/days ago. That achieves nothing but ill feeling.