Dd talks to me like shit

[Bundles22]

DD is 14 . I'm honestly getting fed up with how she talks to me. She talks to me like im shit on her shoe . There's been no argument so fall out nothing.

She's not being bullied she seems happy with her friends at school. I knlw sge gets a bit stressed over school work which ages getting help /support with . But that still gives her no right to talk to me how she does.

Some of it is typical teen stroppy stuff . But steady honestly verbally horrible to me. Few examples.

I wake her for school in the morning. First words said in a nasty tone , fuck off /go away. What ever .

I ask for her washing she makes nasty comments like how dare I ask for her washing.

When it's time for dinner she says i don't want that it's shit. Ask her what she wants she snaps nothing at me.

When I write it , it feels very typical teenage stroppyness. But its several times a day everyday. I honestly feel like she hates me. I have told her to stop talking to me hiw she's does there's no need for it . I don't talk to her that way .

I didn't want to out any thing emotional onto her which I did not . I just kept telling her not to speak to me like that . But its gone on for months now. So I have now told her that hiw she talks to me makes me feel like shit . I thought if she knew she might stop . But she does not seem to care .

In a nut shell I just want her to talk to me on a normal way . I get there are teenage hormones etc . But this is all day every day. Every time I talk to her .

The key point here, and many have said a variant of this, is that there needs to be consequences for poor behaviour. You know best what might be most appropriate but just saying a version of ‘please don’t’ is no incentive to change. Make being rude a problem for her.

Did you speak to your parents like that? It’s absolutely not normal, neither is it stroppiness, it’s rude and horrible and intended to hurt you.

You don’t mention what you do about it other than ask her to stop.

Quite often we will have a massive hug. I will say you ok beautiful, she says yeah love you. I say love you to. Last weekend just ne and her went out for a meal together. We go to the cinema sometimes. Sgexwill tell me about her day etc .

I don't drive so there no lift or anything like that she makes her own way to see friends and back home. She does not go out loads really.

That's great you have that bond OP. On way home from cinema or whatever I would speak to her about it and how it's been getting you down.

I have done this a few times. Not on way home from cinema or simlar though. Ad I would not want to put a bad feeling on a positive time wr just had.

I have said things to her before and she cries saying how sorry she is. But then 48hrs later she's talking to me like it again. So I think I now need to start taking her phone, laptop etc

I get what you're saying about putting a bad spin on a good time but the talk when you're connected might actually land whereas outside of that it's just noise. Totally get and agree with consequences though if you've done this and it continues. Sound like you need a bit of a 'I'm not putting up with this' attitude yourself going into this as you sound v kind and gentle to her. Sometimes they need to know we're not taking it! Best of luck.

Jesus, ive brought (bringing) up 2 boys, one is 16 and 6ft4. He wouldnt speak to me like that. If I woke him up and he told me to fuck off, I wouldnt be doing ANYTHING for him until he changed his attitude and apologised. No waking him up, making him a cuppa, doing his washing - I would make his tea and thats where it would end and he would bloody well know why too. Having said that, he has never told me to fuck off and I cant see that he ever would

I have not done enough to be honest . I think when I spoke to her I was hoping she would understand and change how she's being . Because i thought she would not want to upset me in that way m especially when she cried saying how sorry she was . But now I can see that's not working . So always I'm definitely going to be doing more . Ie take her phone etc .

It just feels horrible to take things away to make her be nice to me talk to me in a normal way. I want her to be nice because she wants to . Not through punishment. I will still do it though.

Jeez. If any of my kids had spoken to me like that there would have been all hell to pay. Parenting teenagers is hard. They need rock solid boundaries and you need a rod of iron. Remember you are not their friend. You are the parent and that includes not giving a shit if they hate your guts while you teach them how to be a decent person.

My mum would have had my guts for garters if I'd sworn at her like that.

I have three boys, 2 coming up to 16. If any of them dared to talk to me like, the very least they'd be getting would be a "who do you think you are talking to?" and pocket money would be docked, stuff I do for them wouldn't get done.

I'm their parent, not a piece of shit or a skivvy, I will shut down that shit the second it happens. As it happens, we've always impressed upon the boys that swearing is fine, but not when it's directed towards someone. So "fuck, I dropped a hammer on my foot" is fine; "fuck you" isn't (although I'm realistic, they're teenage boys). In general they're very respectful and I have a great relationship with me, we talk and have a laugh.

I'm sure there's an element of hormones in this (as I was HORRIBLE at her age) but you need to be sharper with her - it is not appropriate to talk to you like that.

I think that's what gets in the way. I don't want her to feel how she's made me feel . And I feel guilty that she then feels shit . Even though it's been due to something she's done. I need to over rude that feeling though because she's still getting away with it. Which I'm not going to allow anymore

I think you have to ask yourself : would this be okay from a partner, or anyone else in your life?

Of course not. It’s one thing to be understanding of your teen, but it’s not helping them to let them grow up thinking it’s EVER okay to talk to someone or treat someone that way.

ask for her washing.
if she gives you abuse then don’t do her washing again. Let it pile up.

make her dinner.
if she gives you abuse put her dinner in the fridge. Leave it there until bedtime then throw it out.

wake her for school.
if she gives you abuse put her school uniform and bag in the hall by the front door. Don’t call her again. Let her be late.

Any random abuse remove something she likes for the rest of that day eg phone, screen, etc.

Don’t allow her to abuse you any more.

Also- although it’s not okay to make your kids feel guilty about things that are nothing to do with them, it is absolutely FINE and normal and healthy for children to see the impact their actions have on others, and to feel guilty about their bad behaviour. It’s how they learn it’s wrong!

I wouldn't put up with this - what are the consequences for her rudeness? I would say very clearly that because she has spoken to me rudely, I won't be giving lifts/money/having her friends over/whatever it is that you do to make her life easier - stop! She can do her own washing, she can cook her own food, she can be late for school and deal with the consequences. Time to make her take responsibility for her own actions. Be calm but firm, don't lose your temper and shout - but make it very clear to her that you won't tolerate being spoken to like that.

She's not going to feel how she's made you feel cos you're not speaking to her horribly for no reason. You're speaking to her firmly but respectfully to put a firm line in place. That is our job. Remember a firm attachment grows from the rupture/repair cycle, not from avoiding conflict. Letting her know you won't put up with this will increase her respect for you, not decrease her love.

I have told my teen we will have plenty of difficult conversations as well as the laughs and fun times, and that that is normal and expected and we'll get through it all together. I won't be shying away from the difficult stuff and he knows I'm ok with those conversations. This helps them feel more secure, not less.

We've always combated the stroppy with humour but what you have is rudeness.

If one of our girls snaps we'll give a theatrical Ooooohhhh and walk away- come back at another time and talk it through.

My kids would never swear at us though!

It's hard not to get into a spiral of reaction and arguments.

Have you tried 'I do not deserve to be spoken to like that' and walk away.

Don't wake her up- let her sort herself out- she's 14 and knows that if she's late she'll have consequences at school...

I can't not wake her up. She just would not go to school. Then it would be me getting fines . Going to court etc . And my excuse would be oh shes rude to me so I didn't get her up /make her go.

Jesus. If I had told my mother to fuck off… whoa. I dread to think what would’ve happened. Why does your daughter feel confodent enough to tell you to fuck off?

Totally agree.
I was not like this nor was my brother or my own ds. I respected and loved my parents deeply and it wouldn't have occurred to me to speak to them like that and I know they would have been so hurt and disappointed if i had. My own son is 19 and again, speaks to me and his dad with respect. He would be really upset if he thought he had inadvertently spoken to us in any horrible way and definitely wouldn't do it deliberately. He hasn't been a stroppy teen at all. Some teenagers are actually nice, normal, pleasant and respectful people. I don't think it's in any way "typical" in an normal , loving home. to tell your parent to fuck off - and for it to be accepted by the parents without consequence.

OP, with kindness, you need to parent. Your daughter is being rude and disrespectful, so you introduce consequences. They need to be clear, immediate and proportionate. You’re an adult and her parent, and you require respect.

What you seem to have done instead is be sad and tell her how bad she’s making you feel. That’s not parenting. She’s not your mate.

Although, for the record, ‘please stop telling me to fuck off because it makes me sad’ wouldn’t be my go to with ANYONE who was treating me like shit. Would it be yours?

When it's time for dinner she says i don't want that it's shit. Ask her what she wants she snaps nothing at me.

Why the hell are you trying to pacify her? Don’t ask her what she wants instead, if she doesn’t want your ‘shit’? Then you tell her she goes without.

She talks to you like this because she can.

Bc according to MN that is being mean to children and they’ll grow up and go NC. Meanwhile my siblings and I all get along greatly with our parents who would have knocked us sideways if we’d ever spoken to them like that. And I say ‘would have’ because the knowledge alone was enough. We grew up knowing our boundaries.

Exactly! ‘Please stop telling me to fuck off because it makes me sad” should be “you speak to me like that again and…” …then give her consequences.