Dd talks to me like shit

[Bundles22]

DD is 14 . I'm honestly getting fed up with how she talks to me. She talks to me like im shit on her shoe . There's been no argument so fall out nothing.

She's not being bullied she seems happy with her friends at school. I knlw sge gets a bit stressed over school work which ages getting help /support with . But that still gives her no right to talk to me how she does.

Some of it is typical teen stroppy stuff . But steady honestly verbally horrible to me. Few examples.

I wake her for school in the morning. First words said in a nasty tone , fuck off /go away. What ever .

I ask for her washing she makes nasty comments like how dare I ask for her washing.

When it's time for dinner she says i don't want that it's shit. Ask her what she wants she snaps nothing at me.

When I write it , it feels very typical teenage stroppyness. But its several times a day everyday. I honestly feel like she hates me. I have told her to stop talking to me hiw she's does there's no need for it . I don't talk to her that way .

I didn't want to out any thing emotional onto her which I did not . I just kept telling her not to speak to me like that . But its gone on for months now. So I have now told her that hiw she talks to me makes me feel like shit . I thought if she knew she might stop . But she does not seem to care .

In a nut shell I just want her to talk to me on a normal way . I get there are teenage hormones etc . But this is all day every day. Every time I talk to her .

I told her this morning I was going to be taking her phone

Totally agree. This was absolutely not normal teenage stroppiness in our house. If either of our DDs had made even a tentative step down this path then we'd have come down on them like a tonne of bricks. Their lives would have been pretty grim (no taxi lifts, no pocket money, no seeing friends, no phones) until their attitude massively improved. And DH and I would simply never have backed down until they did mend their manners and they knew it.

Teenagers treat you how you allow them to treat you.

from what i understand (not in UK) it takes a while before that all kicks in though.

So you tell her: you are now responsible for getting yourself up and ready for school. how are we going to do this? should i wake you then give you another shout after 15 minutes? etc etc, let her (make her) take some control over this.

Lateness - what are the consequences at school? detentions etc first, right?

I went to boarding school. There were consequences for rudness, being late, making a mess etc. If we didn't like what was on offer for breakfast/lunch/tea - we went hungry. It didn't kill us.

DD2 was horrible for a few years in her teens - not actually swearing at me, but generally snappy, eye-rolling, and behaving as if I was dog-muck on her shoe if I "dared" to speak to her. Just always rude and disrespectful.

Does your DD have older siblings? Both her older siblings noticed, and started to pull her up on her behaviour, and having a person who wasn't a parent pointing out how unreasonable and nasty she was being really hit home. I think having their approval meant quite a lot to her.

The other thing that helped was not challenging her behaviour at the time (which inevitably escalated into a row), but choosing a calm moment to have a little chat. In the car is always good, as it's non-confrontational (and there's nowhere to escape!). Set some boundaries, but recognise it's tough being a teen, and sometimes as a parent there are things that you could do to avoid conflict, not just her.

She's 21 now.....slowly and gradually from the age of 18 onwards she got nicer and nicer, and the teenage rage seemed to evaporate. We still wind each other up occasionally, but I have my lovely daughter back now. We go vintage shopping together, or I'll pop over to uni and take her out for pancakes. I could never have done that when she was 16/17. So give it time.

don't be That Poster.

There is plenty of advice.

My DCs never told me to fuck off. They did roll their eyes when i told them to take their shoes off in the house, tidy their rooms etc etc. We argued sometimes, but they never EVER used language like that to me. If they didn't like what we prepared for dinner? they made toast. And if they didn't tidy after themselves they were brought back to do it.

Laundry? one tried the "urgh, not now" with me. Once. I stopped washing their clothes. And Eventually they asked how to use the machine and helped do laundry.

I stopped being kind and dropping them to school on my way to work after they didn't stop bickering and shouting at each other in the car (i drove past it) and made them get the bus. Which meant them getting up an hour earlier, and having to wait ages after school as well because the bus timings were shit. At the start of the next school year i asked if they wanted to try again. And we were fine

What are you talking about?

MOST of this thread is advice , and I assume the "violence" you're talking about is the one person who said their kid would be "wearing their dinner"? Maybe you could pinpoint the others?

And you can believe what you want, don't think anyone has talked about "angelic" teens, just that this behaviour wouldn't happen and if it did, wouldn't go unchallenged. If you find that unrealistic then I don't know what to say to you - maybe that if you have no experience in parenting teens then your opinion means fuck all?

Her behaviour is completely and totally unacceptable and not at all just teenage stropyness.

As others have said you probably need to be exceptionally clear on consequences of actions. Your daughter can’t feel like she can talk to anyone like that. The swearing is completely unacceptable.

You need to be the parent and not her friend. I don’t mean this as a criticism but rather adjusting your response to her. Telling her how you feel while understandable makes you her ‘friend’. Saying that her language and behaviour will no longer be accepted in the house is better.

I would say something like “I have raised you to be a polite and caring child and you have been completely disrespectful over the last couple of months. I will not tolerate it any longer and it stops now. Until you can demonstrate that you show respect to me I will not engage you when you speak to me like that and I will not do your laundry or make you meals etc. You have a choice - either you understand I am your mother and deserve respect and we all have a calm and happy life, or you continue this behaviour and your life becomes more difficult. I leave it to you’.

No passive parenting. Put your foot down.

Yep - if my child did this, the phone would be conviscated and they’d be grounded for a week. If they escalate, the [period of grounding/no phone gets extended. If they are rude about dinner, then they go without. And when they get hungry and eventually ask for food, I would reheat it and reserve it. I would stop doing her washing immediately (both mine were able to use the machine by 14. I’ll happily empty their laundry basket and wash it if I notice it’s full and am passing, and I tend to iron because they won’t bother and are happy to go out looking like an unmade bed, but it’s their responsibility to do laundry mainly).

You need to make it clear that you won’t accept her treatment and she needs to suffer consequences. If it escalates, contact social services and ask for parenting support.

You sound like a lovely mum, OP.
It’s so hard as a parent, but I always thinks it’s really healthy to have clear boundaries for yourself - even if it’s teenagers and all they have going on. It’s less about punishing them, but more about not accepting being treated with disrespect and aggression. It’s a good message for them too and about what they’ll tolerate from other people. Kids like to push and test, but I think knowing there’s consequences or clear lines not to cross, can actually make them feel reassured in the big scheme things…although they definitely won’t say that. It’s not easy!

When she is rude put her dinner in the bin and make her cook herself something. Don’t do the washing when she is nasty. She needs to learn that being nasty doesn’t get you anywhere. Stop taking this awful behaviour.

Wtf you talking about? None of us have angelic teenagers but there is a vast difference between a bit of stroppiness and the odd backchatting than what OP is describing. There has been loads of advice mainly that OP needs to not be so wishy washy with her DD.
And no my teens don’t act like that because they wouldn’t dare to 😡🤬😡🤬 I don’t need to threaten violence, a certain look is enough 😂🤣😆

I have 2 teenage girls and there is no way they'd speak to me like that, they know I'd go over the top on grounding and they would lose their phones, pocket money, internet and creature comforts that it's not worth it.

I was a shitty teen and felt like my parents didn't understand me but they are bogged down with boys, friends, fitting in at school, changing bodies, schoolwork, hormones etc. Parents "getting at them" is another issue they face. I have strict boundaries and expectations that they have to meet. They have to get themselves up and out in the morning, they have to chip in with household tasks as DH and I aren't maids, empty dishwasher, walk dog, clean out guinea pig etc, tidy up after themselves. They have have to keep their rooms tidy and dirty washing in the basket. I'm a strict parent and have been since they were tiny, they know where the line is for attitude and behaviour and not to test me. However, because of these boundaries, I've had a really good relationship with them and we rarely have any arguments at home. I do get them to talk to me about their day and any problems they have which definitely helps.

If I'd done that age 14 I'd have got a slap on the face and I certainly wouldn't have done it again

Now we can't do that so....I guess taking away privileges and the things that mean something to her and stopping running around/responding to her is going to have to be the go to

Are you joking? Do you think social services provide support for any random parent with a rude teenager? Honestly it’s laughable.

Erm, one thing I did with a sluggard abed, was I set Alexa to play reveille really rather loudly as an alarm. Tell you what, I can see why the Army doesn't have a problem with recruits oversleeping, lol.

(As a side bonus it was bloody funny to watch, too. . .)

Love this!

I agree. When she comes home tell her it stops NOW and if she does it again then she will lose her stuff.

I'm sorry, but it is only on Mumsnet that I've come across the belief that teenagers being incredibly rude is in any way "normal" and just filed under hormones and accepted. I know I'm old, but nobody when I was young behaved like this and none of my friends' children behaved like this. Get a grip and don't accept it. Retract all help (laundry/cooking/lifts etc), all money, wi fi and so on until a new pattern of behaviour has been in place for a decent period of time.

Yes - there is a level one need where they can offer parental support if there are issues. We had it. If the teen is combative in the house (she may be unlikely to take the consequences suggested by PPs here in good grace and could escalate her behaviour) then Social Services absolutely can help with referrals to parenting courses/support and allocating a youth mentor. I repeat: they did so for me.

She is 14 and you are still babying her. Treat her like an adult, with adult choices.

You wake her for school in morning? Give her the choice - you can wake her or you will give her a cheap alarm clock and she can get herself up. But you will not wake her up if she is rude. If she forgets to set her alarm and is late and misses her lift or her bus or gets to school late, oh dear, too bad, never mind. Don't nag. Dial down the drama and she will learn.

Same with the washing. Give her a choice. She can do her own, at a set time to suit you, and if it's not done and she runs out of clothes then too bad; or she can put clothes in the washing basket for you to collect; or she can give you her washing when you ask and you will do it. Discuss it with her and let her decide. But if she is rude then she loses the option for you to do her washing.

Same with food. You can cook her dinner or she can get her own. Her choice. But if she is rude to the person who shopped cooked and served it up then the only option is that she gets her own. Bread and cheese will be in the fridge.

With kindness OP, I think you need to toughen up. At 14, she needs to learn that you’re not her servant and doormat. You’re infantilising her and then surprised when she acts like a toddler. Start giving her some responsibility.

Stop waking her up and buy her an alarm. She’s perfectly capable of getting up for school. Both my boys were doing 7am paper rounds at that age.

If she’s rude about laundry, don’t do hers. When she kicks off that she has no clothes, calmly offer to show her how the machine works.

Once a week, she can prepare dinner. Get some pasta or something that’s not too challenging and send her the link to a cooking video she can follow. Be about to help if she asks for it but don’t hover over her.

This is the time where you turn her into an adult. You can only do that by taking a step back and making her step up.

Oh yes, and as @PinotPony says, it's time she started cooking herself. At about that age I got DS one of these easy-peasy student cookbooks and let him to get on with it once a week. (I was in another room to give advice or helped if he asked, otherwise it was up to him) We ate some strange meals at first but we kept up the thanks and encouragement and he soon picked it up.

As the mother of a nearly 18 year old, who has been unfailingly kind, respectful, funny, loving and undemanding, I find this behaviour absolutely horrifying.

OP, you have to put both feet down: refuse to make special meals, refuse to pay her phone bill, ground her, anything that shows some discipline. The softly-softly approach will not work. If you continue to let this slide then things will get worse.

Teenagers are self absorbed

So I would explain that her having a attitude that she cen say fuck off to an adult, any adult, means it is more likely swearing will come out at the wrong moment.

Swearing is part of adult language, but swearing as an answer, in aggression, around adults whom teach, employ you, are customers, in authority etc is never a good idea.

And if she wants to start early adulthood looking towards being a decent, employable member of society, because sorry sweetheart there is no limitless trust fund here you will need to earn your money, her attitude and language needs to change, there are thousands of 14 yr olds working hard, with a decent attitude and ethic whom are just as capable as you, and whom would you employ?

Try making it more about her first.
I would try to keep your feelings out if it
And also come down firm.

Oh come on...you're allowing it. 'I ask for her washing' she just told you to fuck off and you're doing her washing!?! Hello!