All that’s important about me is how fat I am

[ihatemysize]

I’ve been a big girl since I was about 6. I was 7 stone by age 8, 14 and a half by age 13. I’m now 23 stone ish, size 26-32 depending on what I’m wearing.

I’m massive, I have to cope with my size when I’m walking. I break things, I’m always shattered, no one will sit beside me on a bus for example.

I have got OCD, CPTSD, dyspraxia, ?autism and depression, plus endo and PCOS. I’m on sertraline and mirtazapine together (started by a psychiatrist), which helps a lot - controls symptoms, helps me sleep, but the mirtazapine means all I think of in a normal day is food. It’s literally my first thought, it’s horrendous.

I was bullied in school and by family when I was growing up, and I’ve never had a proper relationship etc.

Big family history of heart disease, strokes etc which frightens me a lot.

I moved house this year, started a full time professional job, made friends, started a volunteering thing. I was on regular diazepam for 2 years which I’ve stopped altogether these last few months. I’m leaving the house, travelling, having fun for the first time in a long time.

My uncle after I moved house (to live closer to family) wanted me to try slimming world to lose weight. I lost about a stone in the first six weeks, but struggled to lose any more. I’m still going as I feel I can’t not.

I’ve now gained eight pound back, so this morning I’m 22 stone 9. I’m paying someone to tell me I’m gaining weight. I’m definitely making the wrong choices but the only way to make the right choices isn’t sustainable - the only way I was losing is to not eat, basically. Slimming world recipes are largely absolutely awful. It’s not proper food, it’s just endless sweeteners and mash ups of stuff they think is diet friendly!

I’m panicking as my uncle’s friend goes with me to group. I don’t know what family’s reaction will be if they hear I’ve gained.

Family suggested I look into bariatric surgery, or getting the injections, but both of them worry me a lot - food was my biggest friend for a long time and I’m not sure how I’d manage if that’s taken away, if that makes sense.

how can I help family understand that this isn’t entirely my fault? It obviously largely is, only I choose what I eat, but I don’t think my meds help at all!

Since you've got other illnesses it's likely the GP might prescribe weight loss injections. I would definitely explore that route before surgery which is incredibly invasive.
You say that food is your friend but the injections stop all of that and frees up brain space for other things. You won't be thinking about food first thing in the morning anymore. It's wonderful.
Also, I'm sorry, but I don't agree with you about slimming world meals. I've gone to it before and didn't once eat anything made with sweetners. You're focusing on one aspect of it and blaming that for you not following or succeeding on that diet.
Dieting is really, really hard. Injections make it easier.

I’m not really sure what you want people to say to you.

It sounds like you have a complex medical history and all of that will tie in to your daily challenges and routine. It also sounds like your family isn’t healthy, considering the common health conditions and the fact you were almost 100kg as a 13 year old. They should have supported you back then with a better diet. So you have a bunch of environmental factors at play, which will likely tie into why you are obese now.

However considering your numerous medical diagnoses, I think if you had a health reason that weight gain could be completely attributed to, you’d have been told by now. So I don’t think it’s completely fair to say your meds don’t help. As you say, a part of it is your own personal responsibility. But you already know that.

It’s up to you if you decide to take weight loss treatment or not. Losing weight is no one’s business but yours so it doesn’t matter if your family are disappointed or whatever. However it might be that losing weight has a positive benefit to some of your other health conditions, more so than what you perceive the cons to be.

Definitely look into weight loss injections. I was a similar weight, I’ve lost 4 stone in the last 4 months, I have a long way to go but feel so much better.

You might find Overeaters Anonymous helpful to help understand your eating and learn new habits.

I don't understand why your whole family seem to be so engaged with your weight. Are you asking for advice or are they just constantly making comments?

I would ask them to stop talking about it and perhaps look at family dynamics.

You might find trauma therapy helpful for your CPTSD. You could look at BACP for a therapist. Pete Walker's book CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving is good.

Regarding food I would move away from artificially sweetened food and focus on good, nutritious food. Wholegrains, vegetables, fruit, nuts, seeds, legumes and beans.

You might find the BBC Food website helpful.

I'm also wondering if you can change your medication if it's making you crave food.

I think you need to think about why food is your friend as if this is the case losing weight will be hard. You have to want to lose weight for you only. I think the injections might give you the opportunity to re evaluate your relationship with food. You can do this if you want!

No, not asking them for advice - it’s just when they ring or meet up, ‘what’s your weight, how much have you lost this week, what are you doing about it?’

I think they do it because they care but it panics me. When I was tiny, my grandmother once smacked my hand at a family party and told me I was fat enough. When I was older she told me no one would ever marry someone with a face like mine. When I was in school I had a chocolate milkshake poured over me, and cream sprayed down my top. I can’t cope with anything to do with weight, I just panic and get defensive and angry and then lo and behold I go and stuff my face some more. It’s been the same way most of my life.

It is a bit like stuck in a loop of not wanting to be fat, but not wanting any advice, and not willing to change - and then crying because I’m still fat. I realise how daft that is.

I’ve had a lot of trauma therapy yes, this time two years ago I wouldn’t leave my bed and open the curtains and now I’m working 9-5 every day so I’m definitely going in the right direction but I need to get control of my size. I’m uncomfortable being the weight that I am.

Re family support - my mum wouldn’t let them. Social services tried a few times (my mum was very unwell with BPD) but it made life much harder, so they would always just back off, and I was shouted at/worse if I tried to engage because mum knew best. I did lose significant amount at 16, and again at 26 or so but I just put it straight back on the next year both times.

I just wanted to say that you are much more than your weight, and it sounds like your family are putting a lot of pressure on you about this. No doubt losing weight would be good for your health, but you know that already. If you can, focus on looking after your health in ways that feel right to you, thank your family for their concern and move on. It sounds like you're doing great in other areas of life, professional job etc.

I think what I'm trying to say is that rather than getting your family to understand, get them to step back so you can handle this in a way that feels right to you (e.g. not slimming world).

@ihatemysize

I'm sorry to hear that you were bullied and am glad to see you've had some support with that.

It sounds like you're doing really well.

No, not asking them for advice - it’s just when they ring or meet up, ‘what’s your weight, how much have you lost this week, what are you doing about it?’

I would ask them to stop mentioning your weight. No need for an argument simply:

"Please don't talk about my weight." And change the subject and keep doing that.

You might also find mindfulness helpful. It helps you recognise automatic behaviour such as eating when you feel emotional.

Try to look at it as a marathon rather than a sprint.

Mirtazapine can cause weight gain, I'm not sure about the others. My psychiatrist put me on Ritalin to help with some of the effects of my mental and physical health conditions and its shut down a lot of the food noise and I'm losing weight now. I came off the mirtazapine a few years ago to TTC and lost weight then too, it's definitely causative for me. It might be worth speaking to your psychiatrist to see if there's something they think could help with weightloss.

Op I’d definitely consult your doctor regarding the mirtazapine, I was taking this and the hunger was unreal. I was unaware at the time that…
Mirtazapine can lead to weight gain because it:

• Makes you feel hungrier, so you eat more
• Changes the way that your body stores fat
• Changes the way that your brain responds to leptin, so your brain does not get the message that you are full.

I also have PCOS and insulin resistance is a known side effect. I had tried WW & SW etc but always gave up after a couple of stone loss because I always felt starved. I started taking Mounjaro in June, The constant thinking about food went within a day, I no longer snack on everything. My PCOS symptoms have all but disappeared & I have lost 4 stone so far. It maybe worth discussing with your GP about weight loss medication.

You tell them “I am not going to talks about my weight” and move on. You repeat that as infinitum until they eventually get the message. Just do not engage in any conversation about it, it is your body and your choice and the awful digs they have made at you over the years haven’t helped you at all.

You mention you are uncomfortable with your weight though so I think it would be worth you having a look at a FB group called Macros inc. It’s free and they will do a Macro check for you where they calculate the calories you need to lose weight, and break them down into protein, carbs and fat. They absolutely focus on whole foods and decent fuel for your body, no crappy sweetener stuff and they are realistic. I’m 10st 7lbs and I get 1600 calories per day and still lose weight, whereas a lot of other diets give me 1200 and I’m starving! You would get a decent amount of calories to work with and you might find it fits into your lifestyle quite well.

It sounds as though you're doing amazingly well to now be working, volunteering, you've moved house and made friends...that's an incredible achievement! Do focus on those things and enjoy the fact you've managed them.

Your family need to back right off. Shut down all weight talk, they're being very unhelpful and actually counterproductive.

Have you had any therapy or hypnotherapy about food, I'd start there before embarking in any treatments as I've known a couple of women replace food with alcohol after surgery because they still needed to numb.

It’s not your ‘fault’ but it’s within your control.
Why not treat this thread as day one of starting to take that control. You’ve had enough. Weight isn’t the most important thing but shedding a few stone is likely to help you feel you’re starting a journey to wellness.

Weight loss jabs sound like a great idea but you need to replace that need to eat for comfort with something else. Little goals. A walking plan or a hobby instead of eating. Stop blaming family, drugs, slimming world. Maybe some hypnotherapy as a starting ‘crutch’ to help you frame this as the start of something positive that you can do. Best of luck and well done on the new job.

I have so many overlaps with you; I was not much smaller than you and also felt considerably judged. It was impossible to lose weight; I’d starve myself and end up losing a pound over a month. Obviously you stop trying in the end.

I had pcos/endo which I apparently cured by going on a ketogenic diet for a year, I lost six stone and got pregnant accidentally. A few years
later in a laparoscopy for other reasons, they said there was no evidence is ever had it.

The other thing: mirrzapine - can it, switch to Prozac which is used for binge eating disorders. Good luck.

Ans please don’t just cut yourself open, I’d the above don’t work then weight loss drugs absolutely

You are much more than your weight. I was 14 stone at 12, I've always been fat, I've occasionally lost some, but then something will happen in life and I'll put it all back on (even when I lose, I've never been slim, just less fat)

This year I decided enough was enough, and went on the jabs - Saxenda at first and lost 6 kilos in a few months. Then I moved to Mounjaro, and have lost another 10 kilos in the last 3 months - so nothing mad, just reliable, consistent weightloss without all the starvation and hours of exercise it took before, because the jabs have the combined effect of telling me when to stop eating (feed back my body never gave me before) and so then making me not need to snack - I have the head space to choose what I eat, and often that's something healthy because I want something tasty, not something with empty calories like biscuits (although I do still eat some biscuits too) - it's been life-changing.

I also had a not great relationship with alcohol (same as food, if it's in the house, I'd drink it, and if I went to the supermarket I'd be tempted to go down the aisle and buy a bottle of wine) - the Mounjaro has fixed that too - it's like it's removed all my snackish tendencies - be that for food or booze. It's freeing.

I don't think slim people understand how truly hard it is to continuously have to manually control how much you eat, they just think we're not trying hard enough/we're lazy - now I have the feedback from my body, it's a walk in the park to lose weight. Before the jabs, it took so much mental effort that it got dropped the moment other stresses came up in my life. I could only lose weight if that was pretty much my sole focus.

Your family are basically toxic if they can’t see how hard you’ve worked on yourself to overcome all your challenges. I literally cannot imagine being more interested in my daughter’s weight than in the multiple health issues or the huge achievements you’ve made.

You're either brave or masochistic posting on here though; MN in general hates fat people, and you’ll get a few supportive posts interspersed with barely veiled horror at how you can dare to exist, and how you need to do x, y and z to lose weight immediately (and how it can’t possibly be your medication that’s making you overweight, even though it’s a well documented side-effect).

Well done on the massive gains you’ve made this year! To go from not getting out of bed to working full time is incredible.
Lots and lots of people with your diagnoses find them intractable and sadly never manage much quality of life. You must be very strong.

In terms of weight, I felt just the same about giving up smoking - I wanted to but equally I was scared to not want to smoke anymore. I would say start the jabs and see how it goes because they are reversible. You can stop taking them and eat as you do now if you ever feel you need and want to. Mirtazapine is very obesogenic and you will need some help if you want to lose weight.

The other thing I would probably do is give myself a year to just be, settle into my new routine and really make 2025 about self care and love. Gentle exercise, walking in nature, hobbies, skin care, taking vitamins and supplements, taking in art, films, books. Cook lovely meals. Enrich and nourish your soul and mind and tackle the weight in 2026, in whatever way suits then. Losing weight through loathing yourself just doesn’t work! Love yourself and have a full enriching life and they right mindset for weight loss may follow. Or not! That’s OK too because you are worth the same slim or not.

Honestly, don't be scared of WLI. The co-morbidities of your obesity should scare you more, they are the real threat here. You should qualify for NHS support and the medication is available in tablet form if you don't want to inject.

I have been your weight. It made me so miserable and I felt so hopeless. I lost about four stone unaided, then got stuck. I've lost another four stone on WLI. My health has improved no end. I had really high blood pressure before, it's back in normal range. I couldn't get up the stairs without shooting pains in my knees and getting out of breath, that's all gone too. I can do so many things that I couldn't before, everyday life is just easier.

There are threads on the WLI boards for people starting with a lot to lose, have a look at them. Please see your GP and have a chat to them. It could literally change your life.

@ihatemysize The mental load of all this sounds immense. Don’t beat yourself up for gaining. You can make changes and lose the weight!

could you speak to your psychiatrist about a possible alternative to mirtazapine as it does stimulate appetite? I’d also consider the weight loss injections, as from what I hear they take the chatter about food away.

I appreciate you then worry about what will fill that space. But think of all the things you’ll be able to do to fill your time and brain when you’ve dropped weight.

It’s not losing weight that’s hard, it’s changing your whole mindset and the way you live. The Fitness Chef on Facebook and the group is so helpful and supportive. The fact you’re thinking this way is a sign that you can do it!

OP, I think you’re completely amazing! In the last year you’ve moved house, started f/t work, made friends, volunteered, been able to have fun….AND you’ve come off diazepam! With all your different medical conditions too.

I second the advice from @EasyComfortDishes. Dare I say it, living a good life and having some happiness seems more important than trying to lose weight at this point. I think it would be wise to just enjoy all these changes for now and make sure everything is sustainable.

I experienced weight gain when on Mirtazapine and a marked increase in the desire to snack. It might be worth seeing if you could reduce the dose or change to something else, but only if withdrawal from it is not too difficult.

I think you’ll know when you want to work on losing weight, and it should be your decision, not your family’s. Your family sound most unhelpful constantly asking about your weight but weight and body size is an immensely loaded topic and you cannot change what other people think about it. You can change how you react to them and one approach would be to say you’re not talking about your weight at the moment, and change the subject.

You are worth much more than a number on the scales. Do you actually want to lose weight for yourself? Because if you don't then stop even trying. You should want it for yourself, not anyone else. If you are happy the way you are then just get on and enjoy your life because you deserve it. 😀 Everyone is a different shape and your family should accept that and you for who you are ❤️