All that’s important about me is how fat I am

[ihatemysize]

I’ve been a big girl since I was about 6. I was 7 stone by age 8, 14 and a half by age 13. I’m now 23 stone ish, size 26-32 depending on what I’m wearing.

I’m massive, I have to cope with my size when I’m walking. I break things, I’m always shattered, no one will sit beside me on a bus for example.

I have got OCD, CPTSD, dyspraxia, ?autism and depression, plus endo and PCOS. I’m on sertraline and mirtazapine together (started by a psychiatrist), which helps a lot - controls symptoms, helps me sleep, but the mirtazapine means all I think of in a normal day is food. It’s literally my first thought, it’s horrendous.

I was bullied in school and by family when I was growing up, and I’ve never had a proper relationship etc.

Big family history of heart disease, strokes etc which frightens me a lot.

I moved house this year, started a full time professional job, made friends, started a volunteering thing. I was on regular diazepam for 2 years which I’ve stopped altogether these last few months. I’m leaving the house, travelling, having fun for the first time in a long time.

My uncle after I moved house (to live closer to family) wanted me to try slimming world to lose weight. I lost about a stone in the first six weeks, but struggled to lose any more. I’m still going as I feel I can’t not.

I’ve now gained eight pound back, so this morning I’m 22 stone 9. I’m paying someone to tell me I’m gaining weight. I’m definitely making the wrong choices but the only way to make the right choices isn’t sustainable - the only way I was losing is to not eat, basically. Slimming world recipes are largely absolutely awful. It’s not proper food, it’s just endless sweeteners and mash ups of stuff they think is diet friendly!

I’m panicking as my uncle’s friend goes with me to group. I don’t know what family’s reaction will be if they hear I’ve gained.

Family suggested I look into bariatric surgery, or getting the injections, but both of them worry me a lot - food was my biggest friend for a long time and I’m not sure how I’d manage if that’s taken away, if that makes sense.

how can I help family understand that this isn’t entirely my fault? It obviously largely is, only I choose what I eat, but I don’t think my meds help at all!

I’m guessing you have never taken Mirtazapine? Think of the way weight loss injections work on insulin metabolism to help you lose weight. Then think of something that does the opposite; that’s Mirtazapine.

Thank you xxxx

I’ve made a GP appointment to ask about getting some help. My uncle rang tonight and I said , ‘before you ask, I’m going to ask the doctor about mounjaro.’

He said that the best way would be to do it naturally, but I think I’m proving that isn’t working really, sadly.

It is like having an endless appetite that you just can’t stop, mirtazapine. Today I’ve had no breakfast, a baked potato for lunch with tuna and cheese (work provide lunch, there’s never a healthy choice) and then tonight had chicken wrapped in bacon with mushrooms, onions and potato wedges and I’m still bloody hungry. I can’t see food without wanting to eat it. I even eat in the middle of the night sometimes - I’ll wake up at 2am absolutely starving. That’s not normal, or healthy. It didn’t really click until a colleague said she felt sorry for a patient taking it ‘because it makes you food obsessed.’

I’ve had other addictions before but I’ve beaten them. This is worse because people don’t understand, people just see you huge and laugh or see straight past you. And you can’t NOT eat because that’ll kill you too, and you can’t not buy food. And for some reason carrots and celery don’t satisfy you.

It’s the not feeling feminine that’s the worst. I feel disgusting most or all of the time. I can’t keep under the folds dry so I get sore boobs, sore legs, sore tummy.

I’m not on any treatment for my PCOS at all, I just got told it’s normal to not have periods with it and to get on with it. It was suggested I try the pill but that gave me migraines. So I’m not sure what’s happening, I have to shave my bloody face every day.

Hopefully GP can help. I don’t have that sort of money that I can afford anything else. I’m terrified of coming off my meds, but if it helps … a previous GP said to me it’s a choice between fat and settled or thin and mentally unstable. I don’t know which is worse or better really.

@ihatemysize I’m so pleased that you have made an appointment. Your latest post sounds much more positive.

FWIW I’m on mitazipine and although it saved my life I’m with you on the appetite.

OP I've not RTFT but..
I took mirtazapine for a few years. I went from a size 6, about 8 stone to around 11 1/2 and a size 12. I'm very small as are all my family. It is an absolute FUCKER for weight gain and I'd never touch it again.when I stopped taking it I lost 2 stone in 6 weeks.
I was hungry ALL the time, ate loads and was still hungry. I just think it affects some people more than others.
Have self compassion for yourself that this is an awful drug for weight gain and see if it can be replaced with someone else.

Don't come off your meds. Get an appointment with your psychiatrist and discuss a change to something else, but don't just come off them.

I do empathise, I gained 4 stone on Olanzapine which is coming off now I've switched to another drug.

The first thing to do is learn something about the basics of nutrition - do you understand this?

Secondly look into eating a low carb diet. This has been life changing for me. You need to eat foods which promote satiety e.g protein, meat eggs, good fats, yogurt, avocado.

Stay away from potatoes, pasta, bread, rice these will spike your blood sugar too quickly, this raises insulin and promotes fat storage.

Dark chocolate in moderation is fine.

when you start to nourish the body properly hunger levels should be easier to manage.

Mounjaro will save your life, OP. I was very overweight for decades and these last few months have been life-changing. I've lost 3.5 stone, more to go, and feel like a different person.

Oh Jesus poor you. Olanzapine is so so effective but so so bad for weight gain. I came off it too.

Tell us you have never taken Mirtazapine without telling us you have never taken Mirtazapine…..

Sympathy OP, I was on mirtazapine for a short time and I had to give it up because I was like a starved seagull. I ate so much I was sick, it was like an unscratchable itch. I switched to Citalopram which was much better.

I’m not sure what you mean? op wants to lose weight?

I’m subtly saying I doubt you have ever taken Mirtazapine.

Yes I have, and yes I found it caused weight gain.

But the op said she has struggled with her weight for most of her life, I doubt she has been taking the medication all of that time.

This is all rubbish. You don’t need to avoid food groups or worry about “insulin spikes”

I have been on Mirtazapine for years, no weight increase, 😕

The chances of you losing and keeping off a substantial amount of weight WITHOUT surgical intervention are low. Research it, think about it, speak to people and pick your 'hard'.

I’ve gone and bought a month of Mounajro so please God it helps. I’ve checked my weight today and I’m 22 stone 10 ☹️☹️ I hate myself sometimes.

It will work, OP. Honestly it will. These are my tips:

Take it first thing in the morning and actually listen to your body as it responds. You will feel as though your stomach is full - listen to that and don't try to eat as much as you used to.
Don't eat after 6 pm if possible - I brush my teeth then and I'm done for the night.
Don't eat first thing - let your body tell you when you're hungry.
Don't eat really fatty foods - they can give you indigestion.
Have a packet of plain biscuits in - I have one a day and it settles my stomach.
You may get a nasty taste at first - this will go - stick with it.
You might get indigestion and a feeling of fullness - again, this will go. Be prepared by not eating as much as you used to - it's normal to eat a starter-sized meal and you won't want a dessert.
Stick with it. I've been on it for six months and have lost 3.5 stone. I have never successfully lost weight before and every diet has resulted in me becoming heavier still. I have absolutely no side effects now and my weight is slowly creeping down
Don't expect a massive loss at first - it's weird as you'll be eating less and you might expect to lose several pounds in one go. I've been losing 1-2 lbs each week and it's been absolutely great.

Well done for taking that step!

I must say, I’m surprised that your uncle is so involved/invested in your weight loss journey. I just feel like he’s doing so much that it might not feel as supportive as he might intend. If you’re okay with it, that’s fine, but personally I wouldn’t want my uncle checking up on me like this.

Op, it will come off now, don’t worry.

don’t eat a heavy fatty meal the day before you inject. It can knock you a bit sick.

try to buy in healthy foods, lean protein, veg, dried fruit, protein shakes.
make sure you eat enough protein.
dont expect too much in the first month or two, for some it works others need a higher dose, its fine, it will happen.

and well done. You’re doing something awesome for your health.

@ihatemysize I am so pleased to hear you’re taking this positive step. Good on you!

It will. It's life-changing stuff. Some don't have a massive effect from 2.5mg so don't worry if you don't lose huge amounts immediately. You won't regret it.

I think it depends on the relationship and it seems she’s close to her uncle.

People look at me when I’m dressed and think I’m a stick, I’m petite and do look ok in clothes, but undressed I’m what can only be described as skinny fat, it’s weird, I look different in clothes, so people don’t know I struggle with weight. Once I was put on meds and the hunger is real, constantly starving, I could consume loads of food, something that I didn’t do before the meds, I would get full too quick but on meds I cleared huge plates of food.

Meds have an impact, can you try different ones? Also it’s old news but a healthy LIFESTYLE is a game changer. I started exercising to strengthen my lungs only, not weight related, but with exercise I started to loose weight, the more weight I lost, the more I wanted to eat healthily!! It was like a cycle!!.

Then due to the weight lost, my condition got better and I didn’t need the meds, I could go on different ones and they didn’t affect my eating habits at all. That’s my story, some meds can’t be changed, but a healthy lifestyle really does go a long long way, and eating shitty sliming world food is not the answer, eat as much as you like, as long as it’s fruit, veg or proteins, limit and manage the rest of the food groups.

Well done for taking this step and good luck!

More advice...
Take something to help avoid constipation. I take psylum husks (fibre tablets) and magnesium citrate. Constipation is something that can be a problem, so good to keep a handle on it right away.

Honestly, (assuming it works for you) once you've been on it for a few weeks, you will wish you started it sooner.

Join one of the chat threads on the injectable weight loss board to talk to people etc. Dec starters maybe. It's great to have people to talk to going through the same experience as you.