All that’s important about me is how fat I am

[ihatemysize]

I’ve been a big girl since I was about 6. I was 7 stone by age 8, 14 and a half by age 13. I’m now 23 stone ish, size 26-32 depending on what I’m wearing.

I’m massive, I have to cope with my size when I’m walking. I break things, I’m always shattered, no one will sit beside me on a bus for example.

I have got OCD, CPTSD, dyspraxia, ?autism and depression, plus endo and PCOS. I’m on sertraline and mirtazapine together (started by a psychiatrist), which helps a lot - controls symptoms, helps me sleep, but the mirtazapine means all I think of in a normal day is food. It’s literally my first thought, it’s horrendous.

I was bullied in school and by family when I was growing up, and I’ve never had a proper relationship etc.

Big family history of heart disease, strokes etc which frightens me a lot.

I moved house this year, started a full time professional job, made friends, started a volunteering thing. I was on regular diazepam for 2 years which I’ve stopped altogether these last few months. I’m leaving the house, travelling, having fun for the first time in a long time.

My uncle after I moved house (to live closer to family) wanted me to try slimming world to lose weight. I lost about a stone in the first six weeks, but struggled to lose any more. I’m still going as I feel I can’t not.

I’ve now gained eight pound back, so this morning I’m 22 stone 9. I’m paying someone to tell me I’m gaining weight. I’m definitely making the wrong choices but the only way to make the right choices isn’t sustainable - the only way I was losing is to not eat, basically. Slimming world recipes are largely absolutely awful. It’s not proper food, it’s just endless sweeteners and mash ups of stuff they think is diet friendly!

I’m panicking as my uncle’s friend goes with me to group. I don’t know what family’s reaction will be if they hear I’ve gained.

Family suggested I look into bariatric surgery, or getting the injections, but both of them worry me a lot - food was my biggest friend for a long time and I’m not sure how I’d manage if that’s taken away, if that makes sense.

how can I help family understand that this isn’t entirely my fault? It obviously largely is, only I choose what I eat, but I don’t think my meds help at all!

You’ve already done so well, please be kind to yourself 💐

I would look into different options, such as the weight loss injections, just to see if they are an option combined with your current medication.

Sorry you feel so crap about your weight, it sounds really tough. Obviously can’t give any medical advice but a friend of mine had a gastric bypass and it has helped her so much. But I hear what you’re saying if you’re not ready to give up the food comfort yet. Hugs x

All that’s important about me is how fat I am

That is so sad @ihatemysize. You are more than a number on a scale.

How long since you had a meds review? I see you’ve done some trauma therapy. Would you consider a change in mitazipine?

From the little that you have put about your childhood I think some CBT focused on your relationship with yourself and food would benefit you.

I suggest you do try the weight loss injections. You have all the reasons that most people have before starting the injections. You won't regret it, honestly. Just Google mounjaro and read up on it. Or have a look at the weight loss injectable board and have a read.

Bless you OP. I have no advice than to echo other posters suggestions about switching the mitazipine. My mother was prescribed this because as well as being anxious she was dangerously underweight, and her GP told me that it would increase her appetite, which it did.

Congratulations on all that you have accomplished in the last year. You now need to establish some firm boundaries with your family. Tell your uncle Slimming World isn’t for you. Do some research into the franchise and give him an informed explanation. Then go back to your doctor and ask for fluoxetine instead of mirtazepam and enquire about weight loss injections.

Good luck and hold your head high. You’ve got this! ❤️

My sister was like you and had weight loss surgery 3 years ago . She is size 10 now and although things can be tricky at times I think it saved her life .

Re slimming world you need to find a way to learn to cook healthier food that you like the taste of ..

Re train your palette etc

Otherwise I'd do the injections or bariatric surgery

You've made massive strides in changing your life! That's incredible. Well done.
Re the weight - I'd tell your family to back off. It's your body, not theirs. I'd get meds reviewed due to the increased hunger caused by them and seriously consider injections or surgery. You might manage to get injections on the nhs with your health and they are incredible- cut out the food noise and actually allow you to not be hungry.
You can do this.

I’m not sure why a Psychiatrist would prescribe Mirtazipine to someone with weight struggles. I would go back and ask for it to be changed. Xx

CPTSD binge eater here too. I had bariatric surgery and it failed. I still felt hyngry and needed food all the time.
Now I'm on mounjaro injections and its great. I no longer want to eat and I've lost half a stone easily in the last two weeks.
Might be worth a try.

As a remedial hypnotist I've worked with emotional eating - one client allowed me to film her session (and she has recorded updates) which are now available on YouTube. Happy to send you the link if you'd like.

Does weight losses and gains need to be announced to the whole group?

I was nearly 24st last year. I decided I wanted surgery as it’s very limiting being that size. It isn’t for everyone. I don’t know if the injections will help you lose enough weight to make you hit what a health professional might see as a healthy BMI, but I do hear they stop the ‘food noise’. I physically can’t eat large amounts, I don’t really care, food was always so important and now it just isn’t.

This group has been incredibly helpful. https://www.facebook.com/groups/1523401171294285/?hoisted_section_header_type=recently_seen&multi_permalinks=3529915667309482

One thing that did stand out is that you’ve said you are going to slimming world but it sounds like you aren’t actually following the plan.

some of the recipes can be a bit dodgy yes but the actual principles are good if you apply them when cooking. You can make a perfectly lovely spaghetti Bol with low fat mince, for example, which would be totally on plan. Equally you can make things like home made chips and lean steak etc etc.

it sounds a bit like you are making excuses to keep comfort eating. I totally get that, but I wonder if you need to address the psychological aspect before you’ll ever be able to make good food choices.

From my experience, it is announced as the ‘consultant’ goes round the group and congratulates/commiserates individuals. I found this helpful, having lost a great deal via SW back in the day, public accountability and all that, but it doesn’t suit everyone and is quite public.

You sound like an amazing person, Op, with all that you have achieved. You write so well also about your struggles.

A few months ago I weighed only a stone or so less than you. I completely understand the feelings that you have about your weight defining you.

I started Mounjaro. I have lost 3 stone so far. Slower than lots of other users but I am happy to be a tortoise in this race. The food noise has gone. I still eat out socially and still have treats. But each and every time I have the space in my mind to ask myself "is it worth it?"and make a decision. I still enjoy wine as well!

It's changed my life already. I have more energy, ache less and am more confident. And - I hate to say it - I am treated differently too as well by some people. Better. It's shitty that people treat you according to your weight but some do.

There's some incredibly useful and supportive long running threads on here for Mounjaro users as well.

I really hope that you find a way forward. And that you are able to let your family know that their approach isn't nice or useful.

Honestly research Mounjaro,I was 23st 7.5lbs, having previously had a gastric band & then revision surgery to a sleeve I did lose a lot of weight but gained it all back plus 2 stone. I too have PCOS and at 5ft 3 I just looked enormous. Everything hurt, everything a struggle. In September I decided enough was enough and ordered Mounjaro. Believe me when I say it changed my life, the food noise has gone completely and I've lost 3 stone. I feel like I'm just at the beginning but I've got my energy back, I'm swimming 4 times a week, clothes are falling off me and I feel amazing. People are starting to notice, I'm following WW alongside this as they do a GPL1 plan that you can track your protein intake. I no longer crave food or think about it all day I just focus on eating enough protein. Had I had MJ years ago I would never have had surgery.

You are doing so well .Ask to be refered to the NHS weight management team tier 3 but for me the real eye opener was I got refered to weight management physiology service.It really is so eye opening and really helped me understand my struggles with food and weight .
How about writing down a typical day at your worst period and comparing it to how your days are now .
You have made big strides in your life , mental health .Please try to think about how you would respond to a friend in the same boat. The advice you would give her and the compassion you would show her. Try to give yourself some of that .
It's really hard but you have achieved so much already.

@ihatemysize I'm sorry you're feeling so down on yourself.

Your family aren't helping. As others have said, agree a line with yourself and use it every time, on repeat. I'd say "I find it upsetting talking about my weight, so I'd rather not thanks"

Either give Slimming World 100% (no need for crap foods full of sweeteners etc!) or quit it, don't throw money away.

I disagree with others that you should come off the mirtazapine. It sounds like you've made massive positive changes over the past year and really improved your life, so I wouldn't risk changing your psych meds just yet and upsetting your good work right now.

I was 22 stone a few months ago, I've lost almost 3 stone in 3 months calorie counting. I'm still eating loads of nice food, just making better choices- ie tonight I got my period and wanted chocolate, so I went to the shop, but I bought a normal bar of Aero instead of the family sized bar/bag I'd have gotten before.

Well you won’t get a hate comment from me op: I’m really impressed how you have weathered everything you describe here and are now in a position where you are having fun and going out, travelling etc. A huge “well done!” You’ve made significant progress in really trying and difficult circumstances.

I think you are right your family are worried, but the “cruel to be kind” method is hard to endure when you’re on the receiving end, and what I find commendable in your post is how free from bitterness you are. So many posters come on here full of vitriol and anger because MIL looked at them the wrong way, cooked the wrong Christmas dinner, bought the wrong Christmas gift etc etc. Yet you have battled a string of medical issues and and bullying and struggled on with less than ideal support, but are still willing to see how their behaviour might be excused.

I also commend you for your ability to see the issue - namely that you are turning to food as a friend.

I’ve not had experience of the weight loss jabs, but many on here will tell you they suppress your desire for food. It sounds to me as though that could be really helpful for you. That and getting off the meds that make you hungry sounds a good place to start.

Why not make a new thread to post about your journey - which will give you some accountability: there will be support. You’ll get there!

Yes, this is an excellent post op.

Mirtazapine was a nightmare for me, I put on two stone (I’m very overweight anyway). I was so hungry. I could eat a big dinner at 6 and be hungry again by 7. So I think unless somebody has taken it, they don’t realise what it is like. I had to come off it.
Sending you support, I don’t leave my house so I just get fatter and fatter.

A good psychiatrist will do a ‘cross taper’ off Mirtazapine and onto perhaps a SNRI which doesn’t cause weight gain. Perhaps your experience of Mirtazapine was not so bad but for some people it can be brutal and this is adding to the OP’s distress.

But I am cool to agree to disagree with no hard feelings- I’m not like that! X

what do you mean its not your fault? It is your fault! You are what you eat! Dont be in denial. I’m big girl myself. Used to be like you. I was a emotional eater and think i’m eating because if my mental health blablabla. But its not. Its because i cant stop thinking about food. And i made a bad choices. I love chocolate soo much. Until i tried mounjaro (injections) its really change myself. I dont think about food, food its not my friend anymore. I just really much more happier because i’m bot constantly eating and feeling crappy about it. I lost 4 stone now. My advice for you its you have to realise and own it. You are what you eat!. Stop be in denial. And get weightloss injection!!

OP actually said that her size isn’t entirely her fault, and that ‘ it largely is’ .

Given her history of PCOS, being bullied, CPTSD, depression, Mirtazapine which is well known to cause weight gain, and obesity from childhood, being overweight is not surprising.

The more obesity is studied, the more we understand how complex it is.

How helpful is your repeated rant that ‘ it is your fault!’ ??