My surname getting dropped from DS birthday card

[MaltipooMama]

Hi all, I have some spare time whilst my little one naps so thought I would pop on here and gather a general consensus! So our baby is turning one on Monday and as such he's had a birthday card delivered from his Dad's aunt who lives in another city, the name on the card is Master T and then only his dad's surname. His name is actually double barrelled, his dad's first and then mine second (hyphenated). This family member may not even know my surname so I kind of get it, it's not a massive deal to me and certainly not big enough to mention to my partner, but I was just wondering would you be bothered about this or not care less? Just curious really!

we aren't married as we have no need of desire to be, we're not remotely religious and use all our free money on lovely holidays!

Marriage has nothing to do with religion these days. It is a legal contract and offers financial and legal protection to the more vulnerable partner. As long as you are not financially dependent on your partner it isn't an issue. If you are then it very much can be an issue.

Some European cultures do this. In parts of Spain, children are Christian name mum's surname dad's surname. But people don't use their mum's surname in most correspondence except banking etc.
Perhaps this is where your Aunt is at?

It wouldn’t bother me, but I wouldn’t do the double barrel thing.

I don't really see how you can be irked. You said yourself she probably doesn't even know your surname, so how on earth is she expected to write it on a card? You also say she's using old fashioned assumptions. Well, unless she's psychic what else is she supposed to do? Not every married woman retains their own name or uses a double barrelled one. Do you expect her to take a wild stab in the dark, or perhaps phone up to double check? For goodness sake, give you the woman a break. You'll be in your 80's yourself one day.

You've answered your own point. She has never seen it written down. Did you not send out birth announcements? If not how do you expect her to know?

This is assuming your not from a culture where marriage along with the 'contract' is very much to do with their religious beliefs. It's presumtious & wrong to suggest 'these days' nobody associates marriage with religious beliefs. To the many cultures in the world who do practice their faith it always will be.

I would be grateful for the card and think nothing of it. There are enough things in life to get upset/annoyed about without worrying about the stuff that doesn’t matter.

It is a bit rude if the full name was included on the birth announcement. If it wasn't then I suppose she just took a best guess or just assumed.

My children's surnames are doubled barrelled. I didn't take my husband's surname when we got married.
We often received cards in the post addressed to "Mr and Mrs Husband's Surname" and it does not bother me.

Official letters, official documentation however, yes it would bother me if my surname and children's correct double barrelled names were not used.

I would roll my eyes at someone who pretended to call to say thanks but really to tell me that I’d gotten the name wrong - it’s just easier send back a Xmas card with the correct names. If OP is consistent about it others will adapt but it’s a nice thought from a great aunt to send a bday card, I wouldn’t be unpleasant about it.

But who sends a Christmas card to their aunt, signed with their surnames?

"Happy Christmas Auntie Mary!
Love, Dave Partner, Jane Maltipoo and Benji Partner-Maltipoo xxx"

😅

Well I wouldn’t say anything to her at all, but if you really felt you couldn’t live with dear old auntie x not addressing you by your proper title (!) I’d do it like that rather than ringing her to give out about the birthday card she sent! Maybe love from partner-maltioo family?! Or send something the child made next year and have his full title on it 😂

What @saraclara said.
I don't sign Christmas cards to relatives (well or anyone else close to me) with our surnames. What an odd thing to do.

But also, doesn't OP's partner speak to his Aunt from time to time anyway ? The suggestion is that he mentions it, when he is chatting to her anyway, and when he thanks her for the card, he just tags that information on.

Of course it’s an odd thing to do but it’s not rude like ringing up to make an issue out it! I wouldn’t do either but I’d be happier to be oddly formal rather than unpleasantly rude! But if it’s that important to you I guess it’s worth making an issue of it - but no matter how nice you pretend to be on the phone, the subtext will come across I imagine! FWIW I would check and try get it right myself but when I’ve gotten a card and my name spelled incorrectly I just am grateful for sentiment and leave it at that !

It's fannying about to chop and change names in accordance with relationship status.

Traditionally a child takes the name of the mother. This has defaulted to the father's because so many women have taken their husband's family name on marriage, therefore it was her name first.

The assumption is also rapidly gaining ground that a woman should hand her name back to its 'rightful' owner, her husband, in the event that they divorce.

If that isn't a fannying about with names then I don't know what is.

OP, my MiL did exactly the same thing. Albeit I appreciate an octogenerian aunt likely means no offence and 'it's the way they were taught', this is very much not the case with MiL. Happily schadenfreudian was the day on which DC forcefully corrected her 😀

I was reading the posts & although I believe people should keep their own surname in marriage if they wish & use double barrel for their children something did spring to mind.

An example is given the family have three different names eg Smith, Jones,
Smith-Jones, what happens in the event someone is posting a card or parcel to the whole family where the surname is required & you don't wish to offend any of the recipients. Ordinarily you would write to
A & B SMITH & family then the address. In this scenario would you be expected to write to A.Smith, B.Jones & C& D Smith-Jones. (Children's names)
It all feels very confusing to be honest as to what's expected.

FWIW, personally I prefer having exactly the same name as my children so was quite happy to adopt my DH name to keep us all the same as a family.

My surname is double barrelled, as is DC,my surname-DH surname. My parents and sister always just used DH surname if sending birthday/Christmas cards. I was pissed off initially, but now CBA to mention it. One of my friends writes DH surname-my Surname. Pick your battles!

This. It’s not important in the whole scheme if things. It’s more lovely that she thinks and takes the time to send a card. That’s the important bit.

Understandably frustrating for those who keep their own surname or double barrel then people only add DH surname in correspondence with the family. As mentioned in my post it can be very confusing though when the vast majority of people stick to tradition in order for everone in the family to have the same surname. In all fairness it makes more sense.

You said yourself that maybe the Aunt didn't know your surname so it's not cut and dried that she did it intentionally to make a point is it? 🤔
Unlike my elderly Mother when our youngest daughter got married and they decided to go double barrelled, well, you would have thought they had done it just to upset her and she flat out refused to use both names when sending cards to them, even when I gently explained to her that it was rude and unkind not to respect their wishes, she just wasn't having it and didn't mince her words when giving her opinion on how stupid and pretentious she thought it was and that they were just showing off!! 🙄
I also have a life long friend the same age as me who still irritatingly addresses our cards (even when it's just a card to me!), as Mr and Mrs. (husbands Christian name then our surname!! Grrrrr!!!! 😡

Wouldn’t bother me lovely that she’s made the effort realistically how often is she ever going to use his surname

My children 2 & 4 have a double barrelled surname, and my partners grandparents, his brother and his dad & step mum always send cards with just his name! I hate it, it annoys me and I find it disrespectful and I tell him, but yet another birthday/christmas rolls round and same thing?!?!

What happens if for example a daughter who wishes to keep her double barrled surname in marriage then has children who are also given the fathers surname. This would mean the children have 3 surnames. They have children & the daughter does the same. Her children would then have 4 surnames & on it would go if every generation adopted the same beliefs regarding surname in marriage 🤔

To add I've nothing against double barrelled surnames. I just can't see how it would work if future generations all did the same.

Choose your battles, in the whole scheme of things it’s not important 🙂