My poetry feedback group think I'm a mysognyist

[janetscoffeepot]

Hello folks

So I wrote this poem:

tea time
stew bubbles
baby babbles
mother can’t get it right.

I asked a mum friend for her thoughts and she said it felt judgmental. It was intended to be sympathetic towards the mother's point of view but she thought I was criticising the mother!

Do you read it as sympathetic?

Look forward to hearing your thoughts ladies!

I’m not sure 6 year olds are the target audience for this poem though.

I agree - the poem doesn't make sense

I really like Haiku and short form poetry, but you have to make every word count. Have you read it out loud?

It is not there yet

toddler toddles
washer washes
Pots line up
Phone Rings
Mother in law comments
Nothing is quite right
because mother is in the wrong

Basically she needs to be doing loads of stuff at once and still someone external tells her it isn’t quite enough. That for me is the vibe I get from what you are trying to say.

Bloody hell, these are a tough crowd. Thank God that art is subjective!
I like it! I don't see a problem with "babble", because I thought that the mother was getting on with the cooking and the baby was ok but that she still felt she wasn't getting it right. The pressure of perfection when everything is okay.

Oh and you're not mysogynist!

I agree but the underlying theme/sense I get from this "poem", which I hoped my 6 year old wouldn't have to experience as they grow up, is that women should be making stews, looking after babies and they are still not getting it right. Poems are subjective though. I don't think this poem is very good. Others may have a different view and that's perfectly fine.

I like it. I think it’s interesting. But, it reminds me of Sylvia Plath or something along those lines. It’s old fashioned and doesn’t feel very original. I wouldn’t ask this friend for feedback again.

She's a lovely woman and excellent writer! (hello Laura) Poems are subjective and that is the beauty in them...

Anyone else intrigued by this comment?

I really don’t get the poem and don’t understand what the mother has done wrong? It reads like a post partum depressive intrusive thought if anything…l

Is this your critic, OP? 😆

Thank God that art is subjective!

I know, I’m kicking myself for not having duct taped a banana to a wall and called it art. Could have banked £5m off that even after eating the banana.

tea time

stew bubbles
baby babbles
mother can’t get it right

Glass smashes
Door crashes
Daddy got into a fight

Baby beams
Mother screams
Promise you'll leave tonight

There you go,fixed it with a darker twist, it can be one of those adverts against domestic violence at Christmas with helpline. Helping women instead of berating them 😉

tea time

stew bubbles
baby babbles
mother can’t get it right

Glass smashes
Door crashes
Daddy got into a fight

Baby beams
Mother screams
Promise you'll leave tonight

There you go,fixed it with a darker twist, it can be one of those adverts against domestic violence at Christmas with helpline. Helping women instead of berating them 😉

This

Are you one of those people who pops out a kid then immediately starts judging the world's entire artistic output by whether it's morally improving for your six year old?

I’ll start:
There once was a tired young mum

No

It feels sympathetic to me. My mum used to say' I can't do right for doing wrong' - reminds me of that feeling that nothing you do is ever good enough.

You need to work on your poetry @janetscoffeepot

Teatime
Stew burns,
Baby gurns,
Mother can't get it right.

Bad smells,
Baby yells,
Mother can't get it right.

It's like the antithesis of Ahlberg's Peek-a-boo!

Who thought that twins would be fun

Sorry op, but Carly Simon kind of nailed this with Coming around again back in 1987.

It's fine. Stew because she's stewing. Babbling is also to talk nonsensically which can be maddening. It's all nicely double. But why the formal 'Mother'?

Its really more of shopping list by a frazzled mum x Who is yearning for bubbly... 😂