If you grew up in a home with domestic violence..

[Stripitout]

How does it affect you now? (If at all)

Has your perception of the situation changed with age?

I remember thinking very clearly why didn’t my mum just shut up, it was clearly making the whole thing worse and I couldn’t understand why she didn’t just leave him alone. I can see now how wrong that was - she was defending herself as best she could.

One of my earliest memories was my mum hiding money in the lining of the curtains, presumably so he didn’t drink all the food money away.

The utter dread when both of them were drinking and you just knew it was going to end in a row.

The police coming over in the middle of the night - sticking their heads in the bedroom to check and then leaving them both at the house to carry on.

Have you managed to make a relationship work with your parents now?

I am still in recovery from CPTS D, but am getting there. I struggle to trust people and am afraid of romantic relationships though still. I also experienced bullying and sexual abuse so how much was that and how much was the DV I've no idea.

Before therapy I was a mess and had a lot of resentment towards my mother for staying and exposing us to this. He abused us too, and as children we didn't have a choice.

I have some light contact with parents now, my dad seems to have mellowed a lot (wasn't alcohol or drugs but his own trauma and mental illness) with age but I feel terrified about the thought of going back to live there so I won't. I struggle financially and it's a trigger for me because it makes me feel trapped and I end up catastrophising. I am very jumpy and the phone ringing it someone at the door unexpectedly freak me right out at times.

I will say I have more compassion for my mum now, and the reasons why she felt she couldn't leave.

Oh yes - unexpected noises. I hate being made to “jump” a male colleague thought he’d jump out at me the other month and it terrified me. He could see he’d scared me

I hate hate hate when people (usually men) think it's funny to do this.

SO true. My dad and brother used to do this to me all the time. My mum and sisters never felt the need.

I've lived with anxiety and hypervigilance all my life and am now agoraphobic. I have CPTSD. I had an eating disorder for ten years.

I've never had a relationship that wasn't abusive and am in my 50s. I've had many abusive friends and been bullied a lot.

Both my parents were abusive and I blamed myself. My dad always told us how he never wanted children which is how he shirked all responsibility. He'd just tell my mum it had nothing to do with him. He used to call us animals.

I thought that I was to blame for my dad's drinking and my mum's mood swings and violence. That's mainly because my parents blamed us for their unhappiness.

Looking back the selfishness was astonishing. Both my parents worked but resented spending money on us. I got a job at 13 to pay for clothes and shoes. Yet my mum went on two holidays a year when travelling was really expensive.

We had no heating but my dad could afford to spend hundreds down the pub every night and on bottles of spirits. He used to wind my mum up and set her on us. He even bought a meter rule for her to hit us with.

Neither were interested in our welfare and even now I don't cry, haven't for decades and don't make a noise if I hurt myself. I had to teach myself how to take care of myself.

I haven't spoken to my dad in over 20 years and am in contact with my mum because she has dementia and I've spent some time caring for her.

Looking back on them now I feel nothing but contempt. I have no understanding of why my mum stayed, she had a good job. My dad stayed because he would stand to lose a lot in a divorce and maintenance for four children. I know because he often told us in one of his pity parties. I used to feel sorry for him.

Certain noises set me into a panic. A dish breaking, a door slamming. A child really crying. My personality is such that I appear to be an introvert but if I get angry all bets are off. I can eviscerate someone with my tongue/speaking. My therapist thinks that is because I had to hold so much in as a child while walking on egg shells and I get to a certain point that I just lose it. Luckily that doesn't happen very often. I married an exceptionally quiet and peaceful man.

I don't have a very high bar when it comes to how my husband treats me because "it isn't as bad as what my mum put up with" my dad was physically violent towards my mum and always having affairs.
My husband is emotionally abusive to me, and I just put up with it. Currently receiving the silent treatment since Monday.

Dad very considerately died in a road accident. I did 10+ years of psychotherapy. I was angry at Mum for several of those years: although I did understand why she couldn't leave, I wouldn't forgive her for not wanting to (she still idolises his memory). When I felt able to 'hold the space' for that difficult conversation, I had a series of talks with her in which she did acknowledge what I went through - it was all I could reasonably ask of her.

My younger siblings resent me. The nearest I can get to understanding this is that, as the eldest, I tried to protect them and, to some degree, parented them. I no longer look after them, of course. They've got an unrealistically rosy view of their childhoods and haven't done any therapy; I think perhaps they focus the residual anger on me instead of accepting that Dad was a nasty, weird cunt.

Only one brother, who's very close to me in age, sees the truth and has done some therapy. He doesn't have a problem with me.

I had two abusive marriages, one abusive best friend and an abusive boss. Post-therapy, I wouldn't persist in such relationships like I did but, despite having the tools to recognise and manage my responses, I still have problematic reactions to very overbearing people, especially men.

I've been single for 21 years and am damn well staying single!

I could have written this. The anger thing. It's like panic and anger becomes mixed up and I go from 0 to 60 at the drop of a hat. I have been diagnosed with EUPD/BPD as well as trauma so I've been fortunate I was able to get Dialectical Behavioural Therapy on the NHS which does help somewhat. I really can't stand when children cry, it sets my limbic system into overdrive. I also come across as shy but I honestly find people very scared.

I'm a compulsive eater and self harmed for much of my life before therapy. I numb myself with food, I'm working on that bit now.

Hyper alert. Noises and the phone ringing and door being knocked sets me in edge. Find it difficult to sustain relationships. Have anxiety and mental health issues. DV sucks. Made sure my children were brought up with love and affection. Been low contact with my parents for years now.

I should have added regarding being jumpy. I had my doorbell removed because I used to jump when it rang. Sometimes I'm really bad and jump at the toaster, other times I'm ok. I think it depends on how much stress I'm going through.

I’m stuck in an awful hyper alert mode that takes a huge toll on my health

My parents split when I was 1 but my dad was violent to subsequent wives and girlfriends. I just remember the crippling fear when was around it - not that it would happen to me or anything but just the palpable need to be somewhere else. I remember, horribly, the only feeling I felt towards the wife/girlfriend was total resentment. I remember once my dad bearing his girlfriend when I was maybe 14, I was in the living room unable to leave and HIGNFY was on. As the audience were laughing I remember distinctly feeling that laughter was something totally alien and inappropriate when my dad was being violent in the other room.
It wasn’t until maybe mid-20’s after dad died that I realise just how much internal trauma I must have been experiencing and how unempathetic I must have appeared to his OHs. They’d come through bleeding and in pain and I’d pretend it hadn’t just happened.

I realise I'm going to sound a bit different here... But I have a good/normal relationship with my parents. I'm very very close with my mum, and chat with my Dad often.

The DV I experienced wasn't that severe though. My mum was hit relatively often/house smashed up in arguments and we'd flee/leave the house. My Dad smacked me and my siblings, threw plates/objects at us when angry, smashed up favourite toys, put his hands around my neck a few times but mum stopped him...

What I mean is I was never severely beaten or hurt deeply in any way - a bruise here or there. I don't think my experience is the same as a child constantly living in fear. I was loved, but my Dad had a temper.

Since I had my own DC, however, I've felt a bit less close to my parents. I just can't imagine laying a hand on my DC, and my DP wouldn't either. I also don't understand why my mum stayed if she supposedly cared for us so much.

I still have a fairly normal relationship with my parents though. I've decided just to let it lie, because they're not going to change.

I recently went through CBT and this subject came up ,I was punched,kicked trying to protect my mum and it only stopped when I wet myself through fear
There was an advert recently of a child sitting on the stairs listening to the violence unfolding it took me back to listening at the door hearing the same and it brought it all back.
It left it's mark on me for 50 years that's why I say if you live in a DV household don't underestimate what the children hear and see.

My stepdad was violent to both my mother and myself. I have no contact with either of them now because while she was a victim as well, she gaslit me about the abuse and was mentally abusive herself. Neither saw our family dynamic as a problem and their mental abuse carried on over into my adulthood. When they started on my kids, I cut contact.

I have chronic depression, PTSD, attachment issues and low self esteem. I also, like other PP, have boiling rage. My DH encouraged me to get therapy when I first went NC and I cried for days when the therapist said anger just radiated off me. I felt like I had become my stepfather without realising it and while I tried as hard as I could to be a good person, this rage was all people could see.

Therapy has helped me but I have withdrawn from the world a lot. I work from home and work relationships are conducted via email and are light and superficial. We moved to a new area eight years ago and I don't try to make friends anymore. I am very lucky to be able to surround myself with animals so I never feel alone. I find life overwhelming and have suicidal thoughts. I have a plan for suicide should anything happen to my DH because as solitary as I am, I don't think I could cope with a life of total isolation.

I used to be terrified to go home when I was a child, I dreaded Christmas and special occasions as my stepfather used them as an excuse to drink more, I dreaded weekend mornings when he would smash the place up and hit myself and my mother if he was hungover. I used to spend my days looking for things that would enrage him, like dishes not done fast enough, and do them so they wouldn't be a problem. I used to vomit with fear in the run up to things like parent evenings.

Time and therapy have made my whole childhood look so much worse. I thought it was normal to live like that, so I think I coped better. Now I realise how damaged I am and I wish I had never met DH or had my children as my damage MUST take a toll on them. Every time I have a bad day with depression, I feel enormous guilt.

@krustykittens you are a product of your upbringing none of it is on you.The violence,the walking on eggshells , witnessing mum being beaten,you being beaten has got to leave it's mark on a person and please remember none of it was your doing.

You must know that none of that is normal though. Throwing things at you smashing up toys. Putting his hands around your neck are not markers of someone that loves you.

I do know that but that comment from the therapist just broke me, if I am honest. I couldn't even make the drive home, I was crying so much. For fucking YEARS I had tried to be the opposite of him, and yet there I was, radiating rage, just like him. I am nothing but a fucking attack dog. What have I done to my kids and my DH without even realising, if I couldn't see this about myself?! The truth is, if I had the knowledge that therapy has give me when I was 20, I would have killed myself then, before involving anyone else in my life. Now, if I kill myself I would cause terrible pain to my family and I just can't do that. But I am so exhausted.

• Regarded my F with utter contempt from the age of about 4.

• Left home at the first opportunity and never went back.

• Was quietly relieved when he died.

• Have chosen to remain single, because the thought of allowing any man a say in my home remains completely unthinkable.

Having said that, life now is brilliant. We are warm, safe, relaxed, financially secure. My house is full of colour, music, light and fun. My ds has never had to witness any of the nastiness I did. We have a good relationship and he's grown into a kind, caring teen. I hope he makes someone a lovely husband and father one day. 😊

My dad was violent towards my mum and sister - I generally kept my head down and mouth shut.

I was only really hit when my mum lied/exaggerated about my behaviour and I genuinely think she thought it was unfair I wasn't hit as much.

As an adult I am generally a quiet people pleaser who bottles it up.
There does come a point when I can't take anymore and then my response can be quite self-destructive. I need people to be loyal and once the trust is gone it can't be re-gained.

I flinch if there's a sudden noise or someone comes too close. My parents still find that hilarious.

Both parents still alive but live 3 hours away. I don't think my dad is still violent but my mum wouldn't tell me and if I found out she'd blame herself as she believes women are less than men. That attitude has contributed to me being a staunch feminist. My dad is really very mediocre. He doesn't like his children or grandchildren and it's actually taken my DD to point this out. She often says I've turned out well given my background!

Krusty kitten,I'm at a loss what to say to you..I genuinely hope you can work through it and reconcile the past and enjoy your future.

Yes I know - but both my parents had very hard childhoods. My mum had severe abuse (probably why she put up with DV) - and my dad's parents died when he was very little and he also experienced physical abuse.

It's not an excuse, but I know they both loved us all a lot. And they did their best - I don't expect anyone to be perfect, and in general my childhood was happy