If you grew up in a home with domestic violence..

[Stripitout]

How does it affect you now? (If at all)

Has your perception of the situation changed with age?

I remember thinking very clearly why didn’t my mum just shut up, it was clearly making the whole thing worse and I couldn’t understand why she didn’t just leave him alone. I can see now how wrong that was - she was defending herself as best she could.

One of my earliest memories was my mum hiding money in the lining of the curtains, presumably so he didn’t drink all the food money away.

The utter dread when both of them were drinking and you just knew it was going to end in a row.

The police coming over in the middle of the night - sticking their heads in the bedroom to check and then leaving them both at the house to carry on.

Have you managed to make a relationship work with your parents now?

You're being unfair. I thought the way I was brought up was normal because I didn't know any different. I thought all parents hit their children. I knew drinking was seen as bad because my mum would go mad if we mentioned it.

Over the years since I've been on here, I've been astounded at how people care about their children. They're constantly worried about them and consider their needs.

They worry about their friendships, health, homework and how they're feeling. At first I thought they were being very indulgent and spoiling them but over the years have realised that it's normal.

My mum slammed the car door on my sister's fingers once and told her to stop making a fuss when she cried. I had a bike accident and my mum got fed up because I was complaining about being in pain. She took me to the hospital after four days and I had a broken shoulder.

My parents didn't care about homework or exams or costumes for school plays. They didn't show any interest in us. My mum used to send us to bed at 6pm to get rid off us. I was amazed when I found out that people liked spending time with their children.

We only know what we experienced growing up and it becomes your normal.

@Stripitout I didn't grow up with DV but I experienced it in a relationship and I still jump really easily after almost 25 years. I don't think it ever fully goes away.

A boyfriend decided to do that at a place I'd started working at. He persuaded the Receptionist that it would be really funny, she got a huge box (it was a place where I'd take delivery of large equipment fairly frequently), he hid in it and then leapt out at me as I went to check the delivery note she put on the top.

I hit him, ran off and hid in my workshop crying - not something I do because of, you know, the history of abuse and being given something to cry about.

He was barred from the premises permanently and about six weeks later, I started dating the guy from Customer Services who coaxed me out of the spares cupboard where I'd hidden and instigated the ban, telling him that if he ever turned up again, he'd be lucky if it were only the Police he had to deal with.

In other circumstances, I appear bulletproof. I don't care if somebody's upset and shouting the odds in person or on the phone. I'll either wait in silence until they've got it out of their system before dealing with them or wait and then walk away/hang up. But if I can see in their body language, voice or eyes that they're itching for the chance to hit somebody - and I can see that from a distance, not just close up - I'm not going anywhere near them.

Dad dead (thank god) no contact with mum

Strong startle response. Very low tolerance for poor behaviour.

Diagnosed with adhd but I think my traumatic childhood has lot to contribute to my life now.

Whilst I know how incredibly hard it is to leave an abusive relationship, those scars in children last their entire lifetime.

You also had a very hard childhood. That's the issue with parents who had awful childhoods, it's as if you can't complain or you feel sorry for them. But, something has made you not repeat what you went through and see it was wrong so that's immense as you could have just repeated it. My dad was "only" violent to my mum occasionally (oh and he hit a random child once who wound him up) so mine is even "better" than your "not bad" childhood and it's only occurred to me recently (there was other stuff as well) that they were absolutely awful. I think it's ok to feel two things ie some compassion for their own upbringing but also compassion for yourself as a scared little girl.

My "trigger" is being near couples who aren't speaking to each other eg in a restaurant and I can feel the silence and the hate radiating off them. Makes me want to leave as it reminds me of my parents, them not talking or my mum giving me the silent treatment, not knowing when I got in from school whether she would be speaking or not. Saying hello and waiting for the response or not or an angry response or finding her sat in the dark crying. I do speak to my mum but I have massively pulled back, but sometimes I am with her and I can't look at her I am so angry!

This is how I feel. On the other hand the older I became the more I hated my father. Thankfully they divorced but not until I was 21.
I think as kids my siblings kept on his right side and then as adults we did the 'right thing' by visiting etc. He's now dead and I don't give a fuck.
As for my own relationships I purposely chose a man who is the exact opposite and have always been clear in my own mind I wouldn't accept any violence at all.

Definitely this, but also anger that so many people knew what was going on and did nothing, neighbours, teachers, police, even grandparents. I trust very few people.

Hyper vigilant and way too sensitive to people’s moods, always trying to smooth things over so that situations don’t escalate, it’s exhausting

You aren't like him one bit.

You're angry because you were abused. You're angry because you were lied to. You're angry that nobody saw or nobody cared and nobody helped.

That's an absolutely normal rage. It wasn't right, it wasn't fair and you didn't deserve any of it. It's the fury of a good person. Healthy anger, perfectly normal and understandable.

You are allowed to be angry.

He was angry for completely different reasons. Control, enjoyment of other people's fear, pain and distress, an excuse to exercise power and to hurt. All directed out at the vulnerable.

He hurt children, you protected yours. Your anger, your righteous anger, gave you the ability to take your innocent children away from harm.

Couldn't get two people more different if you tried, really.

Hmm I don’t think I’ve been affected as an adult.

It was just so normal.

It did make me have absolutely zero tolerance for any fucking about from any partner. If they did even the most minor annoyance in my eyes, they were gone. I as cold as ice. No exceptions.

No way was any of that going to happen to me, no way.

I am the complete opposite to my parents as a parent myself. There’s no raised voices, absolutely no physical reactions to anything.

I live a calm, happy, settled life with a lovely gentle dh and have happy, very loved kids.

Don’t have much time for my parents but feel obliged to make sure they are ok.
My dad is absolutely distraught at the way he was, a completely different person for the last 30 years. No alcohol, which helps. My mum is of course badly affected, very angry and aggressive still. But better.

This is really interesting - I also don't think I've been that affected by my childhood DV and my DP is the polar opposite of my Dad.

Any man who didn't treat me well I just immediately dumped - I dumped most boyfriends within a month or two, was determined to have someone incredibly kind and selfless.

Really interesting that you experienced DV and did the same!

That's so sad. I imagine it's also quite a shock to find out that none of what you thought was normal your whole childhood, was in fact normal.
I think it shows just how awful it was when people cannot even believe that you didn't realise it wasn't normal.
It's just tragic that you had to go through all that for years and years. You're right it is extremely unfair for anyone to suggest that you should have known what love looks like when neither of your parents showed you. I'm so sorry you went through all that.

My parents were shit, narcissist and a drunk, but not physically violent.

❤️❤️❤️

Wish you all healing and the peace and quiet you deserve.

I don't have any relationship my mum (who bullied us and my dad for our entire childhood) I do speak to my dad but I have a lot of resentment towards him for not taking me and my brother with him when he finally left.
I've had a lot of therapy over the years and am on and off the need for anxiety/depression medication.
I have insomnia that started in childhood and shows no sign of fucking off.
I'm not as bad now but when my kids were little I was obsessed with having the perfect home. I can see now it went beyond that and was in fact OCD.

I wasn’t suggesting that you’ve should have realised the abuse for what it was when you were a child. @MsCactus i meant now looking back you must know it’s not normal. The thugs you described in your post are abusive.

Growing up with DV ruined me.

I don't really know where to begin. I was the oldest girl and when it kicked off, always late at night after my dad arrived home from the pub, I would put on a brave face. My younger siblings would come out to the landing, terrified, and I would mask my own fear so that I could make them feel safe. I would do everything I could to keep them calm and reassure them that I would look after them and they would be okay.

I would speak to my mother and explain how terrified we were and that we couldn't cope. She hated me bringing this to her attention and was very emotionally abusive to me....throughout my life.

I didn't understand anything about relationships, I didn't understand how men can love and care for their partners. I spent my teens and 20s in very abusive relationships and eventually it got too much...since then I have been single for the last 15 years.

I've had plenty of therapy, but to this day, I just can't relate to men. I've been in so many dangerous situations, I've actually given evidence in court twice following serious sexual assaults (both times they went to prison).

I'm in my 40s now. I'm isolated, I have significant mental health issues, I'm single. I love children but I don't have any. I tried really hard to have a career but I've been unemployed for 5 years because of my mental health. And worst of all, I don't really have any relationship with those siblings that I went out of my way to protect.

Growing up with domestic violence is very very damaging.

From my childhood trauma i now have PNES i suffer with a anxiety disorder and depression, im very numb to emotions and couldn't tell you the last time i cried. i have trust issues and build things up then become a ball of fire!
im very close to my mother now and understand everything,she ran away with her children to a different city and he still manged to find us and have control due to family court my mum had no protection from the monster.
As for the monster hes now clear of class A drugs and acts like nothing happened and still tries to paint my mum out a bad picture for leaving him! my relationship with him is very limited and i haven't seen him for 4 years.

As a parent i am the total opposite,im very protective of my 4 children and i very rarely leave there sides,i make sure they have everything and more and i obsess with keeping the house clean,i dont smoke drink and never taken drugs as this is a real trigger to me.

I do need some kind of therapy but find it so hard to open up ive seen/heard alot as well as the physical and sexual abuse from others in my childhood.

@krustykittens

I'm really sorry you went through so much. Thank you for sharing.

I experience a hot anger/rage which just boils up so fast sometimes.

My childhood was bad. I can't say it really out loud to anyone. If I took about it I'll minimise it or make a joke of it.

I feel guilty too that what's happened to me will somehow impact my children.

Wasn’t that severe?

I think you’re in denial and I suggest you see help. Show them what you wrote here.

Urgh the dread of them drinking. I forgot that.
the lying awake at night knowing they were going to come home from the pub any minute and it would start. The jumping at any noise incase they were back. Spying out of the windows so I could get a heads up.

It’s made me determined to never put myself in that position again and to protect my kids from anything like it at all costs.

I too had an abusive violent alcoholic father. I was brought up in fear and I still have issues with men - children from abusive/alcoholic childhoods can end up with complex post traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) - we developed many traits to cope and still use some of these strategies today. Look up Adult children of alcoholic and dysfunctional families - it maybe useful. (ACA)
My life has been very hard as a consequence of my childhood - it left me living in isolation but joining ACA helped over time. I cope much better.
To all who suffered 🌺🌺🌺🌺

It's only since I've had my kids that I have realised how truly traumatised I am. My dad viciously beat me one night and hit my face. My mum was upset and comforted me. But she never took me to hospital. I am permanently disfigured (although no one else would really notice). It only occurred to me very recently how wrong her behaviour was too. I always made excuses as to why she didn't leave but she passed away years ago and I can never ask her. My dad was terrible. Aside from the endless arguments and violence, he also went out of his way to saboutage any events in my life - birthdays / parents' evenings / my graduation. In recent years he has expected a lot from me - meals out to celebrate his birthday (with me chipping in to cover the cost), thinks I should visit him etc. He held a knife at me once and threatened to stab me and I still flinch when I see my husband (who is so mild mannered!) drying the knife after dinner.

I realise I need therapy... I am working up to it. I am now NC with my dad after he made such a small comment but I refuse to let him carry on his bad behaviour with my children. I feel so terribly alone in the world with no blood family to support me and I cannot believe this is my life. I am trying to do the best for my children and I am always calm with them. I have put up so many barriers I must come across as cold and I struggle to make friends.

I am very protective of my children probably to their annoyance. I will cut people off in a heartbeat if they come for my kids in any way. I’m also quiet but can get angry very quickly. I used to think that I was just really super organised and prepared but now I can see that I’m just anxious.

Growing up, I felt sorry for my mum for the abuse she suffered at the hands of my dad. My siblings spent a lot of our childhood trying to make her feel better and almost guilty for our existence. Like she would have left sooner if it wasn’t because of us. After she left him, I thought that she was so brave and tough and that I was resilient adult.

In adulthood i have realised that she walked out of a physically violent relationship with my dad and into an emotionally abusive one with step dad. She is always on eggshells and nervous and expects us to be the same. It makes me so angry because my siblings and I kept our mouths shut to protect her throughout our childhood (with dad) and then teens (step dad). We always had do just take shit and I feel like it turned me into a people pleaser.I have found myself in situations at work and friendships where I become a people pleaser just to keep the peace and then I’m annoyed with myself. I actively try not to do this now.

At various points in my life she has let me take the rap for things and never really stood up for me as a mum should. This used to make me so angry but now I know that she is always in panic mode and is just grateful when the abuse /focus is directed anywhere then at her. This is why I don’t trust her judgement or decisions because she is in a constant state of fight/flight. I feel like you should be able to trust your parents to have your back and I couldn’t trust either of them to protect me. I just hope that my kids feel safe and secure and know that I’m here for them.

It is interesting isn’t it.

I don’t know where it came from within me but I was extremely single minded with deadly determination that I would not tolerate any class of badness from any person ever as I grew up.

This was from a very young age and I haven’t.

it was a long time ago, done, finished with nothing I can change. I’ve made my life and it’s a good life.

How have you managed to not be affected?

Ive had a lot of therapy, but have traits of CPTSD, anxiety and hypervigilance. Can’t trust anyone. Don’t even really trust myself.

I had terrible postnatal anxiety as a result of this- in my brain, adults are not safe people, and children are not safe from adults, ergo DS could never be safe, not even with me. I was terrified someone would hurt him, or I would have a psychotic break and hurt him without realising (I was obsessed with my own mental stability)… ironically I nearly drove myself mad with this. Needed 2 years of therapy to unravel that one ….

Im a single parent and will not countenance another relationship until DS is an adult, because the potential risks to DS from a stepparent are just too great.

I have had to work very hard to build a relationship with my mother, who for a very long time I considered culpable, insofar as she should have prioritized her kids and left a relationship in which not only she, but also I, was abused. I’m not sure if I still feel that way. On an emotional level maybe I do, but on a psychological level, I understand that’s victim blaming, and she was a victim too.

I have next to no relationship with my sibling, who doesn’t believe that their father did the things I know he did (they were young and don’t remember).

I could go on, but if I say it’s coloured the course of my whole life, and not positively, it’s an understatement. I believe DV perpetrators - even if they never lay a hand on the children- should also be prosecuted for crimes against children in those households. They are victims too. And the effects go on for lifetimes