If you grew up in a home with domestic violence..

[Stripitout]

How does it affect you now? (If at all)

Has your perception of the situation changed with age?

I remember thinking very clearly why didn’t my mum just shut up, it was clearly making the whole thing worse and I couldn’t understand why she didn’t just leave him alone. I can see now how wrong that was - she was defending herself as best she could.

One of my earliest memories was my mum hiding money in the lining of the curtains, presumably so he didn’t drink all the food money away.

The utter dread when both of them were drinking and you just knew it was going to end in a row.

The police coming over in the middle of the night - sticking their heads in the bedroom to check and then leaving them both at the house to carry on.

Have you managed to make a relationship work with your parents now?

My Dad would become something not of this world when drunk. He would growl and snarl, spit at us and trash the place. He beat my mum black and blue with a bat on christmas eve. I didn't sleep much as I was always waiting for him to come home and 'start'. The impact of it all is simply too much to verbalise. I'm fucked. Always will be.

My mum tried to leave to take us to stay with her mum, she had it all planned, saved and ready and then her mum suddenly passed away.

My life could be so different, I feel very protective of my mum, she was a victim of shitty upbringing, a period of time when women didn't had rights and she absolutely did he best to shield us from my abusive dad.

To just realized i listed all the ways I’m “damaged”… on the other hand, im a deeply loving parent, who prioritizes my child and let’s them know they are the number one priority. Their happiness and their safety. It’s made me a really good judge of character- I can spot an arsehole at 50 paces. And I will not hesitate to cut out negative influences.. It’s also made me very resilient- im anxious but I perform well in anxiety, as unhealthy as that is.

But on the whole… it’s been a lot of work to make sure I can take some good from it. That’s the thing. It’s made my life harder work, all round, than it needed to be.

I married the nicest man that I'd ever met. Young. Any hint of arrogance from a man and I was GONE. I will never EVER put up with that shit.
I'm NC with my dad and very LC with my mother.
I think my sister and I were compelled to make something of ourselves as a result of what we went through. No chance of being trapped in a bad situation. My brother is still a mess to this day though. He was subjected to more violence than us though.

Yes that's really interesting - you sound really determined/resilient

"How have you managed to not be affected?"

I actually think emotional abuse is a lot more damaging tbh. My parents were in the main loving, caring and wanted the best for me. I'm securely attached and always had long-lasting friendships (and been with my DH for like 15 years). My Dad occasionally got angry/violent, yes, but it was rare and wasn't the majority of my childhood.

I think most of the people on this thread suffered both physical and emotional abuse. I suffered limited physical abuse and no emotional I'd say.

I actually ended up in therapy once from a very toxic work culture which was very emotionally abusive. I later found out all my co-workers were in therapy too! So I'm not some super resilient person, I just think my experiences probably weren't as severe as others on this thread.

Also - a third of all children experience DV at some point. A third of all people don't hate their parents. I think low level DV is probably sadly really common

Oh, yea. The food thing. Try so hard not to think about it that I completely left it off the list. A lifelong problem and so far a battle I have not been able to win. You sound like you are working hard to get better. I admire you.

abusive/alcoholic stepfather and cold indifferent mother. Now days he is drinking himself to death somewhere and she is just an empty shell of a person. We are not close and tbh it’s not anger I feel towards her. It’s like inside me is a place where I am supposed to feel love towards my mother but instead there is nothing but emptiness there for her.

It undoubtedly has had a lasting impact. Went on the have my eldest with an abusive prick. It was normal to me to try make myself as small as possible and to people please at my own expense. I think the worst impact is on my eldest. He gets an angry dad and for his first years on this planet a mother who was constantly on edge. This contrasts to his young siblings who have a loving father and a mother who can finally just relax and breathe.

When I first met my husband I would cry very very easily, which freaked me out because up until then I never cried. It eventually dawned on me that crying was a normal human thing to do and I can cry in front of my husband because I feel safe. I also don’t startle as easy anymore. I can’t cope with anger though it immediately sends me into get the fuck out of here mode.

My father’s thing when he was angry was to drive toward the river at speed with me in the back of the car. My mother would agree to whatever he wanted so he would stop the vehicle. It was terrifying.

i was never quite sure that he would stop the car in time. I’mlearned how to be able to get myself and my mother out of a car in water. She couldn’t swim so I did every lifesaving in water training I could.

It was the only control I had as a 7-12 year old girl.

50 years later, I hate being near water in a car.

I used to get annoyed that the abused used to say stupid things that exacerbated the situation too.
Hasn't affected me in adult life, went extremely low contact from 18 years and have lived life how I want to as much as I can since then.

I just feel unsafe in the world really.

I’m very much a recovering people pleaser. I only realised this in my mid thirties and it’s something I force myself to actively work on several times a day.

I don’t trust easily, if at all. The closest was my exDH until he gave me good reasons not to. We’re in a relationship again and I’m sure he knows I’m incapable of trusting and have zero desire to attempt to trust him again. I had a low bar in relationships before him. He’s the only person I’ve told of this part of my childhood.

DF passed away in my late teens and I mainly cried at never having had the opportunity to ask him or tell him how my childhood affected me.
I have a close relationship with DM but do shudder when she idolises DF and talks about her biggest regret being not fighting for him when he left her for another woman. She’d fled with us several times only to go back each time.

I’m hyper vigilant and take medication on and off. I’ve had therapy for other things but never spoken about this part of my childhood. My siblings and I have had several abusive relationships in one form or another.

I wholeheartedly agree with a previous poster that perpetrators should be punished for the impact they’ve undoubtedly had on the children too.

My mum was violent towards my dad. I'm no contact with them now. I've had a failed marriage as a result of dv and won't have another relationship. I struggle to build any relationships really, I even have to remember to say I love you to my children. I mean, I love them, but saying it doesn't come naturally.

Quite severe alcoholism & neglect from parents, my siblings & I had the local police station on speed dial & knew the first name's of some police officers, unbelievable really but these were the days when DV was seen as a 'family matter'. My parents were violent towards each other with my dad perhaps slightly worse. I had a part time Saturday night job in my teens with a free taxi home & used to sit outside in the dark until they went to bed as if they hadn't started on each other they would have started on me. I left home at 18 & went NC a couple of years later & have NEVER regretted it. The impact on me? I'm very resilient, rarely drink alcohol, a bit of a 'helicopter parent', don't trust people much & I'm a bit hard if I'm honest, nothing surprises me! Oh & I'm a social worker- make of that what you will! Love & hugs to you all xx

The domestic abuse in my family was very low level. However I concur with the general feeling of hypervigilence and also the desperate fear of not annoying the adult male in the family in case he gets angry.

My dad was violent towards my mum and like a previous poster I often hated her for arguing back and winding him up and making it worse.
i just would say in my head ‘stop it stop it’ to her while they were arguing, I blamed her but it was him.
He hit her a few times that I remember but I understand there was likely other occasions too. I am annoyed that she lent on me when she was upset. I remember cradling her head in my lap and stroking her hair and I can’t have been older than 8.

she left him for her boss (affair partner) when I was 10 and we went to live with him.

I still talk to both my parents and have a normal relationship. My dad went on to treat my stepmum much better (on the outside at least) but I do wonder if he’s ever hurt her privately.

i went on to look for a kind and gentle man who was nothing like my father. I thought my husband was it but after having our first child, his anxiety and depression got worse and then his anger and his self pity and drinking etc.
He has been violent to me on a number of occasions (shoved me, dragged me, slammed my wrist in a door and put his hands around my neck and pinned me to a bed on a few occasions). I think the reason I stay is probably because there’s years of good patches and I have learnt I can attempt to shut out the bad bits and just keep the good bits

Different for me because it was my mother hitting my father. As a child I used to wish he would hit her back.

I lived in a household like this. Not my Dad, but many ‘step dads’ coming & going in a very chaotic environment. I vividly remember being woken up with a brick through the window & being terrified. Police were there, my mum was drunk etc. my mum was in & out of psychiatric units & it was very scary as a young child.

i was extremely lucky as I had very stable grandparents that instilled into me that chaos wasn’t normal so I have, largely, come out of it unscathed. Unfortunately, my Dsis wasn’t so lucky & a life of alcoholism & unsuitable men ensued. She then died young due to self neglect & the lack of stable adults in her life (different Dad).

I will be eternally grateful for my wonderful GO’s

We had a gravel drive. I hate the sound of “angry driving” on gravel. Lots of little things like that set my heart racing.

I don’t let many people get close. I don’t trust people. I’m hypervigilant - I see, hear and feel everything in my vicinity. I have a chronic health condition which has limited my ability to work (known to accompany emotional trauma) and pull my hair out (an anxiety condition). I’ve been on SSRI’s for over 15 years and will probably never come off them. I speak to my parents as infrequently as possible and the thought of them being in my life is my biggest source of stress. I constantly relive what happened - even in my dreams.

As the saying goes, nobody fucks you up like your parents.

I think you might be me….and I’d simply never made the connection. This is such an enlightening thread thank you everyone (and also very sorry for your experiences)

My husband does this to me and finds it hilarious - l don't get why though. I wouldn't dream of doing it to someone .

It's so peurile, isn't it

@Prometheusit all counts, it's all valid. YOU are valid.

@momtoboys Thanks so much, and may you find the healing you need. You will get there. I have faith in you, I see a lot of self awareness in you.

It took me decades to realise why I was scared of other kids' dads. I was anxious about going on playdates and therefore had hardly any friends. I never really had good social skills either, what with being in a permanent state of dread but pretending all was ok.

Eating disorder
Depression and anxiety as a teenager/young adult
Hyper vigilance
Not trusting men
Self-hate, zero confidence
Anger and resentment at my childhood
Intrusive thoughts

I've done a lot of inner work and am much better now, but it has taken decades.

To the poster who said they don’t like sitting or being around couples who are “silently” arguing. I can feel the tension and anger rolling off them and can’t understand why other people can’t feel it.

Even now I wouldn’t be able to say what was worse the shouting and fighting or the days and days of thick cloying anger and silence. I would go between rooms to try and placate them and make them happy. I have issues with people pleasing and trying to defuse situations before they even begin.

On the upside im not intimidated by angry shouting men at work. I’ve been around them since I was small - you don’t scare or intimidate me