To only have one child ?

[BackinBlack24]

So this is something that is constantly on my mind I'm 37 and had my first child almost 6 months ago . We tried for 2 years before getting pregnant with a loss at the beginning. I have always been absolutely adamant that I would have 2 children mainly as I'm an only child and didn't want to do that to my child . Being an only child in my opinion is fine when you're young but it gets more and more difficult the older your parents get I think anyway.

I found having a baby tougher than I could of ever imagined , no post natal depression or anything but from 5 weeks my baby just wouldn't sleep had colic would only contact nap , wouldn't sleep anywhere but on me and screams bloody murder in the car as a result I barley leave the house.

I really really don't think I could do this again I love my DD and she is turning into a beautiful little person but the though of having a toddler and a newborn and doing that all over again really makes me anxious I honestly don't know how anyone does it .

How do you manage with a small child and a newborn ? I've also no family or friends near everyone is at least an hour away . Then that's assuming I could actually get pregnant again . Also there is my age to consider realistically I would be 39/40 having another baby .

Is it fair to only have one or is it selfish ?

Why would it be selfish?

Selfish to leave my DD as an only child if I didn't want to have another baby .

Yes, but what would be selfish about her being an only child?

I have one. She is 20 and perfectly fine. My DH is one of 6 and not especially close to any of his siblings.

Well I'm an only child and I find it increasingly difficult the older my parents get as neither are in good health it's a lot when everything falls to you if they aren't well in hospital for example. Also when your parents are gone you're on your own there's no siblings just you .

Are you saying all the people who only have one child are selfish??????? Have a word

Only child here. I would have hated to have had younger brothers and sisters. Absolutely would have been miserable. Even as a kid peace and quiet and my own space was so important to me. I also remeber I felt jealous having to share my parents with visiting cousins.

Sure there are potential issues now but, mostly as my parents had me at 40. That's a bigger issue than being the only child.

Don't do it.
Focus on staying healthy instead. A baby at 38 won't help with that.

No. I think she is wrestling with it because she has personally struggled as an only child. I thimk you know that though and are just stirring the pot.

OP, my situation is similiar ish in that Im 37 and have a young baby after years of trying and pretty sure i'm perimenopausal so looks unlikely and i'm also thinking may not be the best thing. Its a tough one isnt it.

Its a cliche but only you know what is best for your family. Whatever you conclude is the right decision for you because everyone's priorities and needs are different.

My suggestion would be to hold outside opinions offered on here and elsewhere lightly and take your time to think it through.

I worry about DS being lonely when DH and I are old/gone but hopefully by then he will be happily married with DC of his own and will have plenty of support and people to share memories with. Fundamentally I don't think I can do IVF again so I need to focus on the positives not the negatives.

I think the older a child gets you realise how fleeting the years and those early hellish years are. Honestly it’s a means to an end - I don’t enjoy the toddler years but my youngest is out the other side and I think actually my life is easier having 2 now they have eachother. I lost both my parents by 20 and think I’m so lucky to have a sister to share memories and to still have that family.

If you don't want to have another child, I don't think you should feel forced to.
I don't think it is selfish. Research shows that only children are the same as children with siblings in terms of social skills and friendships and they have higher self-esteem. Not all siblings get on. My father and mother come from large families where they did not get on well with their siblings. Sibling rivalry and sibling violence is pretty common.
I have only one child and it means I can give him things that I wouldn't be able to if I had more. I can take him to many activities that I wouldn't have time to do if he had a sibling. I can afford to send him to private school, which I couldn't do if he had siblings. I can take him on holidays I couldn't afford if he had siblings.
This is not to say that there are some cons e.g. I sometimes feel on holiday that it would be good if my son had siblings but to be honest holidays are only a few weeks a year and when I have suggested to my son to bring a friend, he has said he doesn't want to.

Well I'm an only child and I find it increasingly difficult the older my parents get as neither are in good health it's a lot when everything falls to you if they aren't well in hospital for example. Also when your parents are gone you're on your own there's no siblings just you

Having a sibling is absolutely no guarantee that they will share the burden of aging parents or even like you and want to be in your life.

Having a sibling could end up being terrible-they could be an absuive arsehole.

Do what will actually make you happy and won't take away from being the mother you want to be.

There’s no guarantee siblings will be close but I think people who have more than one (myself included) hope they will be. And I think a lot of people try for a second for that reason. So your feelings are valid and not at all unusual. But many, many people have an only, so if you do just have one they’re unlikely to be unusual among their peers.

Saying that, your baby is still very young and the awful newborn bit still fresh in the mind. You may feel differently down the line (speaking from experience!). There’s a reason a two or three year age gap is common – I think nature makes you forget some of the bad bits, or you decide they’re worth enduring for the end result.

There’s no right answer, so perhaps just tell yourself that you’ll think it through properly at a certain point and try to push it from your mind for a while.

Don’t have a child you don’t want in the hope that it will be a potential companion for your existing child.

What I take from the threads on families/only children (I'm not one) is that most only children have very happy childhoods where they are not competing with siblings for time and resources. Where it seems to become more difficult is usually adulthood and especially when parents age and need care. But I would have thought you as parents could do a lot to address that - promote your children's social networks, don't make too many demands of them emotionally and make sure you're practically and financially sorted for the future as you get older. And of course these problems are not unique to single child families as often siblings don't step up to help either and one child is left to sort everything.

I don't think you can guarantee this though, it really is the luck of the draw. I have one sibling, we don't get on as adults and aren't in touch anymore. As children we were close, but as adults we couldn't be more different. It was just too exhausting to maintain.
You hear all of the time about siblings not getting on, the golden child, one doing more than the other for aging parents etc.

Op, have a second baby if you want one, but not for a siblings/aging parents scenario. Enjoy the baby you've got, that one on one time is so special.

cant guarantee anything in life - there will be examples of peoples children becoming awful people doesn’t stop people reproducing. Also tbh all me and my friends are close to our siblings, this not speaking to eachother I read on mn and find bizarre. Did your parents never press the importance of family?

I have 1 DD she is 11. Granted I wanted more but didn't go that way. My partner has 2 DD 12 & 4. We don't really think adding anymore is a good idea he's 42 and works away all week. Plus very expensive with 3 girls 🙈 I'm satisfied with 1. You do what your gut tells you. It's not selfish. I couldn't go back to the toddler stage with an 12 year old xx

I have one and it's glorious. I would have been a wreck trying to look after two and being pregnant etc again. DD needs a well functioning, balanced, happy mum and I can be that mum to one. As for my care falling on her when we are older, I have no intention of that happening! I will be making my own arrangements for old age so I'm not a burden to her.

If the thing you're mainly worried about is how your child will cope when you and your husband are old and infirm - save up plenty of money to pay for carers/nursing home/private healthcare

Sorted

Its very common now for children to be an only, your DD will not be alone.

My mum was an only, she never complained about her childhood and was close to my grandparents although, my grandad now passed away. My mum did go on to have 4 kids though!

I have two but there is a 9 year age gap, its like have two only children!

I'm not an only child, but the bulk of caring for my elderly mother with dementia has fallen on me as I'm local siblings live far away. So whilst yes they are there for emotional support and guidance on decisions the bulk of the actual doing falls on me. So it's not true to say that having more than one child means it's not all left to one if /when parents need support/ care in old age.

This.

I grew up in a large family.. 6 of us! Now my parents are very frail and vulnerable and I’m the only one who sees/ helps them as I’m the only one who lives nearby. Unfortunately none of us are close or get on and we all live miles apart. I dread the day something happens to my parents because I think the aftermath will be horrendous!

They usually grow up to be quiet/introverted/narcissistic/selfish etc but thats no reason to have more than 1.