To only have one child ?

[BackinBlack24]

So this is something that is constantly on my mind I'm 37 and had my first child almost 6 months ago . We tried for 2 years before getting pregnant with a loss at the beginning. I have always been absolutely adamant that I would have 2 children mainly as I'm an only child and didn't want to do that to my child . Being an only child in my opinion is fine when you're young but it gets more and more difficult the older your parents get I think anyway.

I found having a baby tougher than I could of ever imagined , no post natal depression or anything but from 5 weeks my baby just wouldn't sleep had colic would only contact nap , wouldn't sleep anywhere but on me and screams bloody murder in the car as a result I barley leave the house.

I really really don't think I could do this again I love my DD and she is turning into a beautiful little person but the though of having a toddler and a newborn and doing that all over again really makes me anxious I honestly don't know how anyone does it .

How do you manage with a small child and a newborn ? I've also no family or friends near everyone is at least an hour away . Then that's assuming I could actually get pregnant again . Also there is my age to consider realistically I would be 39/40 having another baby .

Is it fair to only have one or is it selfish ?

I think that’s fair. I accept that it’s possible my only child may wish at some point he’d had a sibling, but as that was not sufficient reason for me to have a second child I didn’t want, all I can do is focus on the bond I have with my existing child, modelling and facilitating good friendships, giving him opportunities I didn’t have in an impoverished, overcrowded household with far too many siblings for my parents’ income and parenting capacity.

It’s not accidental that my four siblings are child free by choice, and I have one child by choice.

"You see it time and time again on these only child threads people saying their only children are fine because they have cousins or lots of play dates- so really most people recognise most children benefit from the company of other children- yet dismiss sibling relationships."

Of course no one is saying that children don’t benefit from the company of other children, all humans benefit from the company of their peers.

However, there’s a world of difference between relationships between friends or cousins and those between siblings. If my child hates their cousin or doesn't like a friend any more, it doesn't impact every aspect of their life. Whereas if someone doesn't get on with a sibling, it very much does. If a cousin or a friend has severe additional needs, that doesn't impact every aspect of my child's life in the way it would if their sibling did.

And on a purely practical level, my child's friends and cousins don't impact on household finances or time management. I don’t have to deny my child a hobby they want because their cousin or friend has an activity at the same time, or deny them a once in a lifetime experience because I can’t afford to take their cousin or friend.

Basically, none of the possible negative effects of a sibling apply to cousins or friends. But the majority of the positives can, in the opinion of people who have only children by choice.

The grass is always greener I suppose. Siblings are often more trouble than they are worth, especially when it comes to caring for elderly parents.

The stats show that only children do better on a lot of metrics than children with siblings. It's absolutely not right to "gift" your child with a sibling that you didn't really want.

I have 2 siblings. When both of my parents died in 2020 it was left to me to sort everything out as they were "too upset and unable to deal with it", with absolutely no thought for how I felt. All 3 of us were executors of our parents wills but it was all left to me to deal with. I may as well not have had any siblings for all the support and help I received from them whilst being expected to be their shoulder to cry on.

Thanks all just to clarify I wasn't saying anyone that has one child is selfish. other wise I would be calling my mother selfish which she isn't she is the most selfless person I know . There are a multitude of reasons people only have one . I think I'm just afraid of my DD having nobody as all her cousins are grown and we don't have family near us. Going to try out it out if my mind for now.

I'm an only.

Dd (adult) is an only.

One is fun.

I have an only. I also have one older brother. Both parents dead. I love my brother dearly but see him, at most, four times a year? My friends and my family are my family, they're my support, they're the ones who hold me up when I'm having a bad day. I've never understood the need to have a second child to ensure the first child is ok when you die?!

It took me three years before I felt I was ready to try and conceive another baby. My first was hard - total Velcro baby, non sleeper and awful reflux. I was absolutely adamant I wasn’t having more.

Three years later my perspective has changed. I still think it was so hard, but I have enough distance to recognise it was a season and it did end. I’m pregnant again now but I really couldn’t have done it earlier.

But also, if you never feel ready that’s fine too. Only children are just as capable of fulfilling and happy family lives as children with siblings and you’re doing nothing wrong having just one.