To only have one child ?

[BackinBlack24]

So this is something that is constantly on my mind I'm 37 and had my first child almost 6 months ago . We tried for 2 years before getting pregnant with a loss at the beginning. I have always been absolutely adamant that I would have 2 children mainly as I'm an only child and didn't want to do that to my child . Being an only child in my opinion is fine when you're young but it gets more and more difficult the older your parents get I think anyway.

I found having a baby tougher than I could of ever imagined , no post natal depression or anything but from 5 weeks my baby just wouldn't sleep had colic would only contact nap , wouldn't sleep anywhere but on me and screams bloody murder in the car as a result I barley leave the house.

I really really don't think I could do this again I love my DD and she is turning into a beautiful little person but the though of having a toddler and a newborn and doing that all over again really makes me anxious I honestly don't know how anyone does it .

How do you manage with a small child and a newborn ? I've also no family or friends near everyone is at least an hour away . Then that's assuming I could actually get pregnant again . Also there is my age to consider realistically I would be 39/40 having another baby .

Is it fair to only have one or is it selfish ?

Exactly this.

I have 1, and will not have another. I think in movies it's portrayed as being super sad/they'll grow up lonely in their rooms but as long as you're on the ball with friends/play dates it doesn't happen. DS is insanely extroverted, but I make sure we're out all the time and playing with other kids at least once a day. So far there's been no long sad moments staring out the window at children playing outside 😂

It's fine OP. No need to feel guilty or selfish.

Absolutely nothing wrong with have a single child, why on earth would you think otherwise?

Consider what you would like to be in five years.
The mother of one or the mother of two?

Go for number two now if you wish for two.

The early years are tiring but fleeting and you won't be getting any younger if you wait.

my mother is one of 3 and was still left to do it all for her mother

my dad is one of 4 and again one was left to tend to their mother (funnily enough, the only sister again)

having siblings definitely doesn’t help spread the responsibility

It's just a choice.

Being an only is fine.

But I had a second child for all the reasons you are considering one.

I was also scared of going back to the sleepless night etc, but I did it and I got through it.

I was a bit younger than you, had first at 33 and second at 36.

I did find it very hard, however, now that I'm past the baby stage, I would even have considered a third if I was a bit younger (although as much as I may have wanted to I probably wouldn't have actually gone for it - I think 2 is good, 3 would bring its own problems, and I don't think I have enough support to handle 3).

Just try and have a good think and weigh it all up.

I'm an only child too.
You can't really bank on 2 siblings being close/helpful with elderly parents etc, plus one may move abroad etc. I have many friends with siblings who aren't close, don't help, or have moved away. Your scenario is an ideal one, but may not be the reality, so definitely not a reason to have a 2nd child.
There have been times I've wished I had a sibling, but I have a close network of friends and one is like a Sister to me anyway.

I'm an only one and it's honestly never affected me, infact it encouraged me to be more social and make friends.
My Dad passed and my DH and friends supported me. There's no guarantees a sibling will step upto the mark anyway. I was never sad and lonely and think I'm pretty well adjusted. Lots of people will only have 1 child now due to financial reasons, it's a lot more expensive now than it was in the 70s as usually both parents work due to cost of living, whereas quite a lot were SAHM back in the day and didn't have to factor in nursery fees.

Use your own experience to mitigate some of the impact of being an only child.

Parents of multiple children also mitigate that in lots of ways, but it doesn’t get noticed as such.

My mother’s sister made her life a misery, from childhood to post retirement. You can’t breed for an ideal family, if you would like another child for their own sake and because you really want another, then have one. If you dont, don’t.

I have 1 ( I hate the use of "only" or " just 1" BTW. It makes it sound like having 1 child and no more is something to apologise for). I never wanted another and over 30 years later have never regretted my decision.

You are very lucky you get on with your sibling, especially because you have been through something horrendous, nd unimaginable 💐 I am so sorry for your loss at such a young age. I can understand why this has shaped your view on family. However, it isn't always that simple, and comes off as condescending to say to somebody you don't know "did your parents not teach you the importance of family? This is goo easy to say when you don't stand in somebody else shoes, or know their circumstances isn't it? It is quote an ignorant comment. Maybe you are young, I might have agreed with you at one time, but life teaches you along the way.

I have met loads of people in real life who don't get on with their siblings; it isn't all so rare. The amount of times I have heard people complain about them not doing enough, one more favoured than the other, not wanting them at Christmas etc.

Sorry about the typos, I have young dcs jumping around (let's hope they're close one day), but no guarantees. I had them because I wanted them, not for a sibling reason.

Really liking your sibling is that rare? Of course things can happen in any family, there’s people non contact with their parents but people never throw that at people as to why they shouldn’t have children.
You see it time and time again on these only child threads people saying their only children are fine because they have cousins or lots of play dates- so really most people recognise most children benefit from the company of other children- yet dismiss sibling relationships.

No two children are the same so that's one good thing. 40 isn't to old and there's also plenty of single child families perfectly happy by choice. Only you know what's best

I have a sister - she hates me and has made my life a misery. We are both in our late 20s and it is still the same. Don't automatically think siblings will be lifelong friends.

I have an 18 year old. I planned to have 2 or 3. But the birth was horrendous and she was in SCBU for a month & I struggled to bond with her. When she turned one and her dad floated the idea of having a second, I thought, I'm struggling with this one as it is and told him, NO.

She has two close friends with whom she spends a lot of time, plus lots of other mates whom she is pally with. She's out every weekend doing something with someone. (Sisters from other Misters) Encouraging friendships is important to onlies.

Of course there was judgement from some corners about my decision but I don't doubt I did the right thing. It's more problematic to have more kids than you can cope with in my view.

I did not say it is rare, I alluded to people not getting on with siblings isn't as rare as you were making out. Your comment if somebody doesn't get on with their sibling was ignorant. Quote "did your parents never press the importantance of family? Do you realise how offensive, and narrow minded that is? What if the sibling was a criminal, or just a toxic person?

There are lots of great sibling relationships of course, but as I said, you cannot guarantee that.

It is important to have a baby because you want a baby, and not for the sibling reason imo. Nobody is saying don't have a baby. We are saying don't do it purely for those reasons. If they get on great, that is a bonus!
I am pleased you have a close bond with your sibling, especially given your circumstances; if I would wish that for anybody it would be you.
Unfortunately my sibling, and I don't get on as adults. We were close as children, but grew up to be very different people, and are distant. I find it is too easy for people to judge others because they have close siblings, and don't understand. For instance dh's friend said to him "life is short" because he doesn't speak to his df. His friend had lost his dm, so understandably this shaped his view at this specific them. Dh's df used to beat him up. Not everything is as it seems on the surface; people need to be more mindful of this. Life isn't black and white.

My friends sibling goaded his dad to hit him, should he speak to him? Sweeping generalisations about the importance of family are unhelpful.

Tbh I'm having a second child for selfish reasons.

Baby stage was hard and we wanted to just have one child. But our DD turns out to have difficult SEN needs, non verbal and very challenging.

So I feel a bit selfish having another, hoping to have a different experience, to be called mummy, but also that they will have the challenges of their SEN sibling.

All the only children I know are mildly envious of those of us with brothers and sisters and big families, usually because they have some peachy view as to what it means. Obviously it is one of those grasses green perspectives. In fact, a lot of research shows that only children Are happier in life because they have never had to fight for their parents attention or wonder who is the favourite. They are the favourite. If you found having a baby a difficult challenge, adding another baby into the mix won’t just double that challenge - it’ll be far worse. If anything I would say sticking to one given the challenges you’ve had and how you feel is the sensible thing to do and not selfish at all.

I have 1 child. Some people have 1 child, simply because the 2nd one didn't live. Naff off saying I'd be selfish.

This is not selfish at all. If it is, than we are all selfish. One of my dc's is ND and gets on great with their sibling; seeing them play together is lovely. Dc 2 is NT, and they have learnt a lot from each other tbh.

Hoping they're close as adults, but people change, and you never know. I just wanted two babies, because I felt our family was not complete; just a maternal instinct really!

So sorry for your loss; I cannpt begin to imagine what you went through. 💐

I just got pregnant at 32 and I decided that this is my first and last child. I don't want to have children after 34 and I wouldn't want to have 2 kids so close together. We also struggled to get pregnant.

You will find some only children who loved their lives, others who didn't. You will find some people with siblings who loved their lives, some who didn't. You cannot predict either way. What you can do as a parent is to create the best environment that you can with what you have. That could mean not having further children and focusing on creating lovely bonds with your existing child, facilitating friendships, networking, future proofing their future..

Im one of 7 and only get on with 1 im no contact with the rest we just dont get on.