How do I form friendships with people if all people are self-interested at their core?

[ThisSereneHiker]

I’ve had experiences where it feels like people only want to take advantage of me rather than form genuine friendships. For example, I became friends with one guy who was only interested in using me for my money, while others seemed to care more about trying to sleep with me than building a real, meaningful connection. It’s been disheartening, feeling like people approach me with hidden motives instead of genuinely wanting to be friends.

I do believe people to be self-interested at their core so it bothers me that people with apparently nothing to offer no money, no car, no looks, no career benefits etc.- have friends.

Why don’t you join a group, where the focus is the activity, but you can also get to know some new people.

Sorry people have taken advantage of you - you have been unlucky on that front IMO. Most people aren’t looking to take advantage.

Is it not a possibility that you are wrong in your assumption about people being entirely self-interested? Which would explain why people with apparently nothing to offer have friends. Perhaps they have friends because they are not wholly self-interested and are genuinely interested in other people and are good and kind people?

What about women friends? The older I've gotten I've found I can't be arsed with male friendships. There's usually always a hidden motive in there.

I think this is in you. It is deeply odd that you think people are self-interested ( I mean who else do you think people are supposed to be interested in?), and then get cross when people you think have ‘nothing to offer’ (no money, good looks etc) have friends because you think that’s against the ‘rules’?

I have a lot of friends (now rather scattered geographically), and the only thing they have in common is that I find them all really interesting — they’re articulate, intelligent, often do interesting/unusual things for a living, good conversationalists, interested in the world, funny, well-informed etc.

I don’t have a lot to offer myself by your terms (extremely plain, don’t drive, not much money), but I’ve never struggled with friendships except in one particular place I lived where my kind of people didn’t seem to exist.

Some therapy on boundaries or the Freedom Programme might help? Real friendship feels different and might not feel like 'friendship' at all compared to the enmeshment or emotional highs of these other relationships.

You need to find people interested in an activity or hobby where the friendships builds around that.

I’ve definitely had male friends who wanted to sleep with me. If I also wanted to sleep with them, sometimes I did. But either way, I didn’t regard it as some kind of death blow to friendship. I have a couple of good friends who are exes.

what place?

If this is really how you feel then the problem isn’t other people OP, it’s you.

This isn't about morality, it's about whether the friendship was means to an end or is conditional on sexual availability, instead of being appreciative and equal regardless.

Was going to say that, have you any trauma op as that can make you pursue friendships with the wrong people or not see red flags that others might. It can also make you think you want to be best friends with someone after five minutes of knowing them when others would take time before rushing in.

are you a people pleaser / fawner. Think about how you select your friends , let things grow naturally. We are obviously all self invested why wouldn’t we be but there’s a healthy level. Are you expecting complete self sacrifice and then being naturally disappointed. Are you smothering them are you a martyr doing lots of stuff for them and them being pissed off when they are not grateful.

A village which should have worked on paper, but by whose standards I was too outlandish to count (foreign, non-driving WOHM — not particularly weird by any standards, but in this environment I was an outlier). It’s the only placee I’ve ever lived (in several countries) where I failed to make lasting friends.

Do you think other people don't have real friendships? Of course they do.

This sounds like a you problem OP.

How dare people with no money/looks/career/car form lovely friendships!!

I’ve never suggested it was about ‘morality’, though. I just don’t view it as necessarily a death blow to friendship if one person wants to sleep with the other one. Obviously if the person has zero interest in you as anything other than a potential shag, it’s unlikely to survive you saying ‘No, not interested’, but if they want to shag you because they like you as well as find you attractive, then it can sometimes get over the shagging part, whether you do or don’t. In my experience, anyway.

Of course people are self interested

Self interest includes (for most people) enjoying the company of people we get along with

Someone doesn’t have to be after money or sex to want to be your friend, they just have to enjoy your company

Your thought processes and values around friendships are very unusual. Might you have a personality disorder?

I think you stop trying with those peolple and move onto the next.

Have a think about where you are meeting people, does that appeal to the people you want to make friends with?

I can honestly say that people’s earnings or vehicles have never entered my thought processes when considering friendships. I do go for people who love what they do, but that doesn’t have to be prestigious, and sometimes they do a dullish day job to fund making art, for instance, or some creative endeavour that’s hard to make a living from.

Oh come on. That's a bit of a jump

I do believe people to be self-interested at their core so it bothers me that people with apparently nothing to offer no money, no car, no looks, no career benefits etc.- have friends.

Why does any of this matter when it comes to making friends? That is something you might look at when it comes to choosing a partner because stabilitly can be important, but friendships shouldn't be based on any of those things. Are you sure that that all these men that you have been looking for friendships with know that that is what you are after and not something else? It seems odd to care about how your friends look or their career benefits.

Absolutely. My self-interest in making friends means wanting to be in the company of people I enjoy.

then how do i get people to enjoy my company?

what personality disorder might i have?

What do you bring to the table re friendships? Are you kind, funny, interested in people?

Have you tried a meet up group related to something that interest you?

Yeah, I think some people hold the threshold of friendship so high that they filter out all the normies and are left with those looking to exploit your neediness or those who bring drama to your door.