How do I form friendships with people if all people are self-interested at their core?

[ThisSereneHiker]

I’ve had experiences where it feels like people only want to take advantage of me rather than form genuine friendships. For example, I became friends with one guy who was only interested in using me for my money, while others seemed to care more about trying to sleep with me than building a real, meaningful connection. It’s been disheartening, feeling like people approach me with hidden motives instead of genuinely wanting to be friends.

I do believe people to be self-interested at their core so it bothers me that people with apparently nothing to offer no money, no car, no looks, no career benefits etc.- have friends.

YOu definitely have a skewed idea of friendship. Yes, over time, many (not all) friendships develop to ones in which those people are there to offer you support - practical, emotional or even financial (although rarely) in time of crisis - but most friendships start by a shared enjoyment of similar things and/or similar views on the world that lead to fun, interesting, entertaining time spent together. I have friends who are brilliant at gift giving and /or generous, and some that are less so. It doesn't affect our friendship because our friendship is based on a shared desire to spend time together because when we spend time together we enjoy it.

@ThisSereneHiker I have money, I can buy myself nice lunches and go on nice holidays and buy myself nice things if I want them. What I want from a friend is someone interesting, trustworthy, kind, someone perhaps a bit quirky and different to me, someone who maybe even can challenge my thought processes with viewpoints I may not have thought of, someone who enjoys similar activities to me, etc etc. Nothing material really at all.

OP, gently, I went and looked at some of your other threads. You have another one running with a title again about whether most people are self-interested but pretend otherwise, but the actual post is about your colleagues finding your work notes difficult, you not having told them you’re dyslexic, and you then blaming them for not extending you the same support as ‘someone living with AIDS in Africa’, based on something your mother said.

You also ask about support groups for professional autistic people, and have another thread about a colleague who used to help, to whom you gave a voucher of some kind to, and who had asked you to buy him a book, and again quoting your mum, because you didn’t understand why he was apparently hurt by something you said

I think there’s far more going on here than you’ve suggested in your OP.

what do you think is going on

Then that's why you're being taken advantage of. You're attracting people for the wrong reasons.

Friendships aren't about any of those things, nor should you be looking for those things in a friend.

People want to be friends with people because they're interesting to talk to, they make them feel good about themselves, they feel happier when they're with them. It's not about material goods or money.

how do i make others feel good about themselves?

I think what's going on i that you do not understand how friendships work and appear to respond inappropriately to normal interactions. You have high expectations of people but don't meet them half way. On this thread, you are consistently going back to people and asking "why" or "what", while making what appears to be no efort to understand or consider the answer you have been provided. It feels like you want everyone else to do the hard work.

You seem quite transactional.

With my friends we chat about our lives, give sympathy or encouragement or praise. Give advice if they have something difficult to resolve that I have experience of. We chat about the world and share opinions and viewpoints. We may do this in a cafe or pub or NT place. We enjoy each other's company.

I'm not being snarky OP but, is this you're first day on the planet? You have met other humans before right?

Exactly this. We are not you so can't tell you what your friendships, should you have any, would look like. We can only speak for how ours work.

So when you ask how you would make people feel good, think about what people do that makes you feel good as a starter. And then remember people are not the same as you ,so it may be different things.

There isn't an easy manual to friendship I'm afraid, every single one has a different dynamic depending on the people involved. I think that's the bit you're struggling to get.

Just to say that I don't think that my friends make me "feel good". They are my friends because we enjoy time together. Again, over time, good friends may bolster you because you learn to love and trust them so if they tell you that you are good at something or they love something about you, that makes you feel good. But that is not how those frienships start.

For me, my friendships are ones where I can have fun with people. I like to have a laugh and share experiences. Yes, sometimes it's less "fun" and more about shared experience such as someone who understands what it's like to parent a ND child or whatever, but even within that context, there still has to be some "fun" and enjoyment on both parts.

i have aspergers

Also, friendships can come and go, depending on circumstance, and other factors. They aren't a life sentence! And that's OK too. And they nearly all start casual, some stay there, some deepen, some vanish, and that's all fine. But you can't expect a ready made support group right off the bat. Or indeed ever.

But you really need to take on board that its not based on your ability to take people to lunch.

In a conversation you talk for your share of the time. So 2 people half time each, roughly. 3 people 1/3rd time each.
Listen to their responses to you, are they interested, asking questions, reacting? Or are you doing a monologue on your special interest?

The 'I like to give advice ' bit was a red flag. Sometimes in friendships people just need a listening ear and to sound off. The trick is in judging that. Unsolicited advice is mostly unwelcome. I have strong opinions about one friend's partner, but I only voice them when she asks specifically.

OP I work with a woman who has often said she has no friends and can't understand why. She's in her 40's, and only ever talks about herself and her own grievances. She never shows any interest in anyone else. She never asks anyone how they are. Just by making eye contact, that gives her the cue she needs, to launch into a tirade about her landlord, her neighbours, her lack of money, how awful her life is. People avoid her. It's quite sad.

so she doesn't reciprocate

It's not that transactional. I don't listen to other people so that they'll then listen to me. I listen to other peopl ebecause I am genuinely interested in what they have to say.

If you have aspergers you might do better to find a group that supports ND people. Or ask on this board with that as the lead - explain what ND you have, how it impacts you and how you are struggling.

I agree with @JadziaD , you seem to be seeing it as a mathematical equation, they do this, I do that, it levels out. Now overtime it probably will, but in a one off interaction, not necessarily, it's more fluid.

You should, as said, consult some ND boards.

Yes, the abrupt ‘why’ or ‘what’ responses have just made me recognise this poster, or at least I think I do. I don’t remember her previous username or usernames, but there were (if I’m right about the same user) numerous very similar posts about being dismissed from a big accountancy firm after failing her exams, lots of intense ‘why did he do that?’ stuff about why a senior male colleague used to help her and stopped etc. And numerous repeat threads.

OP, you should have mentioned your neurodivergence at the outset. It would have meant you had more tailored replies on here.

That had crossed my mind.

Are you the same poster that posts several threads all at once every few months, normally about injustices at work or people not liking you?

Worked for a big 4 company /magic circle but then failed the professional exams then was going to become a teacher? Very close with parents who seem to give terrible advice and last time was going to sue former workplace for not making adjustments though you didn't tell them you were autistic,?

@DaylightTreachery snap!