How do I form friendships with people if all people are self-interested at their core?

[ThisSereneHiker]

I’ve had experiences where it feels like people only want to take advantage of me rather than form genuine friendships. For example, I became friends with one guy who was only interested in using me for my money, while others seemed to care more about trying to sleep with me than building a real, meaningful connection. It’s been disheartening, feeling like people approach me with hidden motives instead of genuinely wanting to be friends.

I do believe people to be self-interested at their core so it bothers me that people with apparently nothing to offer no money, no car, no looks, no career benefits etc.- have friends.

Yes.

And, OP, my intention isn’t to be mean, or to ‘out’ you in any way. Your posting style is very distinctive (especially brusque one- or two p-word replies to a quoted post, without capitals or question marks, which read like rather rude demands), and, if you are the same poster (and I’m not the only one to think so), there’s a lot you’ve left out here which if you’d included it, would give a fuller picture of your circumstances in relation to friendships.

Because women are never selfish lol

Are there any good ND boards?

You still seem to be only responding in brief sentences, and ignoring all of the advice given and not giving your thoughts on it, so I'm not doing your googling for you. Good luck.

Do you always expect everyone else to do the work for you? On everything? MN has multiple boards - you could look. or do a google search. Or ask Chat GPT.

You could try acknowledging some of the comments that have been made. Eg explaining why you haven't mentioned ND before? Or perhaps answering if you have previously posted but why none of the feedback has been helpful. You could answer any of the other comments people have made - perhaps provide some context as to why YOU think you do x or y or why you think it's strange that otehrs don't.

But you aren't doing any of that. On the plus side, one assumes you want help if you're posting. But you have to do some of the work and you're clearly not doing any of it.

A lot of male friendship sadly will be because the guy fancies you. That's a given. You can get the feeling some take advantage financially. So just don't let them. If you start to see everyone as the same then there lies the problem.

You've had a few less than perfect friendships, but a decent one is non transactional, non judgemental, and does not involve money.

What do you think you can offer others as a friend? And how do you want to interact with people? Do you need them to have very similar morals, social background, hobbies? Or are you more into meeting people on a a more emotional level.
There's plenty of people out there I'm sure you'll find things in common with. Don't write off society as a whole just yet!

My female friends don't tend to want to fuck me. Selfish I can deal with.

Some women are lesbians you know.
Selfish is something we can deal with, yes, but is still disappointing when we come across it in friends. Part of life, though, I agree.

Always presume someone will have an need or want from you, then use that knowledge to achieve what you need or want, when possible

but kind of need/want do people have if they aren't getting money, help... is it trust, entertainment

Jesus that's cynical. My friendships aren't like that, from my side at least.

People can have all sorts of motivations for wanting to be friends with you.

Shared interest so the two of you can spend time chatting.
Parents of children attending the same school so you can car-share, play dates etc
Similar sense of humour
Shared desire to travel
Likeable personality
Like the same music so can go to gigs together
Etc

Basically, something in common that develops into interesting and/or enjoyable time together. Sometimes transactional (mutual childcare for instance), sometimes not.

Basically people have to like you. In amswering in one line sentences it's impossible to see why anyone would as I can't see anything you have to offer, and I'm sure you do in some way. You seem to see friendship as a benefit to you not a two way thing.

Sounds like you expect friendship to immediately reach the level of long-term, deep friendship. It doesn't work that way. Friendships have to develop. That takes years. I have friends I've known four years or so, since moving to the city we live in. They're casual friendships of the go-round-for-a-chat variety, or membership in a hobby group, not some sort of instant deep bond. As for "how can I make people enjoy my company" - you can't. You seem to have a very materialistic view of friendship as a trade of services. That itself is off-putting to me. I find friends are simply people I enjoy talking to. We probably have things in common, or enough to leave aside things where we'll disagree. Common interest groups are the way to start, as others have said.

I don't know anybody who considers those things as having any place in friendships. Friendship is simply enjoying each other's company.

Most people don't get new friends by wanting or needing anything. You either hit it off with someone or you don't. It's personality.

Absolutely. Which is overlooked surprisingly often on here, where people who feel lonely or lacking in friends are always saying ‘But I’m nice! I am always there as a shoulder to cry on! Why don’t people like me?!’ and complain that people they don’t consider as ‘nice’ as they are have lots of friends. Which is missing the point, for me. At bottom, I want to be around people whose company I enjoy. They may also be extremely nice, kind, helpful people, but that won’t primarily be why I befriend them.

its very Machiavellian, but as many threads on here show, its fairly accurate to the majority of friendships, (not all friendships but alot)
I recommend the book the 48 laws of power

Yes, exactly. I don't spend time with people simply because they're Nice or Sympathetic (I know a few people who are, but who bore me witless, so I avoid them) and I don't want shoulders to cry on. I want a laugh, I want witty or amusing or interesting chat. There are roars of laughter at the knitting group I go to, most times.

I do believe people to be self-interested at their core so it bothers me that people with apparently nothing to offer no money, no car, no looks, no career benefits etc.- have friends.

People DO seek out friends of similar or higher social status to them, you're getting a hard time for mentioning these as things to offer when it happens, when there's thread after thread of people judging others for the amount of money that's been spent on them is often met with "what a shit friend, no gift is better than cheap shit" or if someone has a friend who can't afford to do the things the other wants and needs cheaper alternatives and the advice includes "don't compromise, you deserve a week in Dubai, if she can't afford it then you aren't compatible? I'd phase her out"

Theres fully grown women who don't let their children form friendships with kids from the council estate. I've seen those posts on here a lot. I've seen people on here say one of the reasons they choose to send their children to private or boarding school is for the social connections as well as the education.

I see it in real life too, I used to hear women in the school playground much and laugh at other women for the car they drive, their child's hobbies, where they go on holiday and I used to just stand by myself because I felt very intimidated that they'd laugh at me too, and how nice and sweet they were to their friends faces and then talking about them like shit the second they leave, they'd be stood arranging a night out and then when one walks away they moan that they have to go somewhere "nasty" cos it's all the other mate can afford.

I can totally see why you think friendship is usually built based on what you can offer people because there's undertones of it everywhere and being autistic (I am too) and trying to understand how relationships work and fit in is hard, especially when a lot of people's behaviour doesn't match what they say they believe.

Im all the things on your nothing to offer list but I'm ok with that. I didn't have friends for a long time because I thought I was worthless and didn't deserve them, too boring, too poor, too rough, too stupid etc but I started work on myself, I sought autistic friends and that's been much easier. Some of my friends are much wealthier than I am and I didn't know that until quite a bit into our friendship. We bonded over how horrible it is when sainsbury change the fucking aisles around one of the things my friends say I'm good at is helping them understand things without making them feel stupid for not knowing.

For what it's worth, the wanting someone to help if car breakdown comment isn't that unusual either, dh used to work in recovery and said it was actually very very common for people, especially women to have called a family member or friend for help, I've helped my friend when her car broke down, and it's not a case of just phone aa for her, the change of plan, the being late, the anxiety of being alone in an unfamiliar place at night, are things she just needed a bit of emotional support with to avoid a full on meltdown. It's really not so easy as just phone aa for some people and that's it, I'm more than happy to help any friend if they're struggling with it.

I don't get your reasoning - on one hand you are saying you don't want friendships to be conditional (or transactional) but then saying people have nothing to offer you (materially) money, car, good looks, career benefits etc.

What do you mean?

Here's a link to the ND board OP is case you haven't found it. People are much more likely to understand where you're coming from there I'd expect.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/neurodiversemumsnetters
People often do have their own agendas, the key IMO is to take things very slowly to give their true personality and intentions time to come out. Have low expectations and keep it light with new people.