How do I form friendships with people if all people are self-interested at their core?

[ThisSereneHiker]

I’ve had experiences where it feels like people only want to take advantage of me rather than form genuine friendships. For example, I became friends with one guy who was only interested in using me for my money, while others seemed to care more about trying to sleep with me than building a real, meaningful connection. It’s been disheartening, feeling like people approach me with hidden motives instead of genuinely wanting to be friends.

I do believe people to be self-interested at their core so it bothers me that people with apparently nothing to offer no money, no car, no looks, no career benefits etc.- have friends.

Also, what does friendship mean to you, what do you want from friends?

I think this might be a you problem. You do sound like you don't actually like people very much. Or, at best, perhaps you've made poor decisions on how and when to select friends.

Friendships are based on how much you enjoy spending time with certain people and they with you.

I agree with the advice to find an interest in common. Have some regular experiences with people and you will bond - could be a local event / volunteering / hobby group / activism …

That’s going to depend entirely on what kind of people you want to have in your life, how you envisage friendship, what you enjoy doing etc.

As a pp said, what do you bring to the table as a potential friend? (Clue: the answer isn’t your salary, car, looks etc.)

can you actually answer this?

I like to give people advice....

allies to support you in your endeavours e.g. help you out when shit happens etc like a car breakdown

What do you mean, can I answer this? I can answer it for myself, obviously, but you need to answer it for you.

If my car breaks down I phone the AA, not my friends.

So you want people you can call on. But what would you bring?

For me, some things are similar sense of humour, broadly politically similar, interested in some of the same stuff, not all, kind, not bringing drama although if it happens, then we deal with it, some friends are closer than others and it all takes time.

You seem to want an instant army of helpers, which are not friends. And unwanted advice never helps, if requested, sure, but don't just go pontificating on other people's lives.

Have you had friends before? If you don't still have them, it may be worth thinking about what went wrong.

I do believe people to be self-interested at their core so it bothers me that people with apparently nothing to offer no money, no car, no looks, no career benefits etc.- have friends.

This might have more to do with you having no friends than you'd like to admit.

then how do you answer for yourself

Well I've sort of answered it, how about you give it a try.

Bluntly, this may be your problem. Your thought process on friendship went immediately to what friends would be useful to you for. Friends aren’t there solely there as human support animals or emergency breakdown cover, OP.

And you still haven’t said what you bring to potential friendships, other than liking to give advice. Which is almost never an endearing characteristic.

what can i offer a friend? I have money, i can give nice presents, pay for lunches etc. go on nicer holidays

Money etc is irrelevant to friendships. One of my closest friends is broke, unemployed, on disability benefits, has a shocking taste in heavy metal, but makes me laugh like a drain, and is always there for a chat, as I am for him. It's not about material stuff.

Another one has all the material stuff you talk of, is a crazy cat lady, would do anything for anyone and sometimes does too much for lame ducks. But is fabulous. I'd take her in at 2 am and she would me.

It's not about resources. It's about you as a person.

That doesn't make friendships. Or attracts users. What about your personality?

I'm not sure why you've responded to me in that way. I know those things.

No, forget material stuff!

What personal qualities do you have that would make someone want to be your friend?

I can honestly say I have never been friends with someone so they could buy me lunch.

Sorry, it was merely to quote your post as a follow on, I was agreeing with you rather than replying. Pressed the wrong button.

If everyone is self-interested then you are too, surely, OP?

Of course everyone is selfish, it's a basic survival instinct. People care about themselves and their gang first and foremost.

Friendship isn’t about material things, what you have or can buy a person, it’s about loyalty, companionship, things in common, (sense of humour, morals, interests) care, supporting people and them you, a 2 way street. Different people will bring different things to a friendship.

you seem to thing material things make a friendship, they don’t. It’s nice if you can go to lunch, but that’s not what it’s about. And as for certain people having nothing to offer in a friendship that’s relative isn’t it. I’m a nurse, I get benefits as my youngest has complex needs, so I earn little, so in your eyes I don’t bring anything to the table? Which is wrong I have friends because I’m a nice person who doesn’t judge others on what they have/looks/cars/career. And what do nicer holidays have to do with friends? I go on holiday with my family?

Yes. If you think people need to have money or be beautiful then you're the problem here.

Yup, Naomi Campbell has money and is beautiful. I'm pretty sure we wouldn't get on.

shallow as a fucking puddle.

If you can only offer material things in return for friendship, then you have some seriously skewed beliefs. Money doesn't matter. It's who you are that's important, not your ability to buy nice presents and pay for dinner. Are you warm, kind, funny, interesting and interested?