I’m doing something so shameful

[lemonblue]

At the age of 31 I have come to my local nature reserve with a few cans of cocktails and am sat here drinking them on my own. I feel like a loser. DH is at home with the kids and I told him I was going to Tesco. So after I’ve done here I’m going to have to walk to Tesco and buy something.

My life is crap and I know it sounds like I’m feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I am. If I drank in the house DH would say something then it would just ruin my mood.

I won’t get “drunk” I know when to stop but I like the tipsy feeling.

Ergh🤦🏻‍♀️

Crikey don't feel like you have done anything wrong! I have an autistic child and it's bloody hard work. They had to have a medical procedure carried out this week with a GA which they had to be held down for which was just awful. My other two children, though a little older, are both poorly. I had to pop out earlier and despite not having smoked for six months bought a pack of cigarettes. I've just had two with a glass of wine 🫣 Do what you can do to get through sometimes, and if that is a couple of cocktails sat having some time out then so be it. You clearly deserve, and need, the break.

You say you rarely drink otherwise? I’d say then that it’s a sign that you’re low, and need time away from the house to decompress, but please don’t be ashamed. It sounds like you spend most of your life holding it together and have just had a really shitty day.

If you rarely drink, why does your husband comment on your drinking at home? Does he make it possible for you to have time away to see people or do hobbies? Can you afford to take a book to the pub and have a wine or two? Or see a friend? Really I feel more worried about the feeling you have to lie to get out of the house as opposed to the drinking per se.

As a mum of an autistic/ADHD child I really feel for you. It can be relentless particularly when they are younger. My son is 12 now and I am only now begining to feel like I can breathe and be myself a bit again.

What time are you getting to yourself? How much support do you have with your son? Unfortunately my experience was dh family didn't want to help as my son was hard work. (MIL suddenly want to build a relationship now though but ds isn't interested). Do you have hobbies a night out? You absolutely need that. Is he in nursery or school yet?

Do you have a friend or siblings you could call to go for a chat along with the drink? Your life sounds stressful and it would be easy to lean on the wrong crutch. Do you get any respite time normally?

Read Allen Carr's The Easy Way for Women to Stop Drinking.

I can remember when mine were 2 and 4, I once went out on a Sunday and just sat in my car for 2 hours (leaving them at home with their dad). It was so out of character for me that I remember it vividly. My children are NT, but they were probably just being arseholes that day.

Sometimes, it’s overwhelming and you deserve to do whatever gets you through. I’d say the alcohol won’t help, but the time alone definitely will.

This. A slightly boozy family disco every now and again (including the child if that’s their thing) can really do wonders for stress and sadness. Growing up with a disabled sibling and dancing with them and our mum - who was a single parent who did rely on wine a fair bit - are some of my happiest memories

@lemonblue If you are being secretive about your drinking, you know it’s a bad sign.

Alcohol is so damaging to women’s bodies especially- due to smaller liver.

Far better to come clean with your husband and tell him you are struggling.

It must be hard with an autistic 4 yr old if their behaviour is challenging.

You and husband need to work as a team.

He will know you have been secretly drinking by your behaviour change and smell of it.

Please don't feel ashamed.

I work with people with autism and have a lot of friends with autistic children. Is your DS recently diagnosed or still waiting for a diagnosis? It's a really lonely tough age. Any transition is likely to be a tough period and if he's just started school and that has impacted his sleep or behavior at other times you may be having to handle a lot.

There are or will be good times too. I know lots of autistic people who are thriving. But I don't know a single parent of autistic children who didn't have some really tough periods.

So no judgement from here. At the same time if you can reach out to anyone else to say you feel a bit overwhelmed and would appreciate support please do. You are not meant to handle this alone. If you were my mate I would come and drink tinned cocktails on benches with you - maybe your area needs a parent support group that meets regularly for bench cocktails.

Fwiw the M&S tinned cocktails at £2.50 are pretty sickly but the £3.50 ones are lethal - the smoked pineapple margarita is worth a try.

Sending you hugs x can you plan something nice next weekend, with a friend? When my kids were babies I used to go to cheap Tuesday eve at the cinema every week. I went on my own, but just seeing a film, while DH did bedtimes, kept me going during the week x

Next time go somewhere nice for something to eat or a coffee by yourself sit and enjoy it and dont feel guilty life's hard enough x

It's not shameful (unless you're not taking the cans home with you and leaving them in the nature reserve!) but it does need looking at. But sometimes we just need to give ourselves a break. I hope it all seems brighter for you.

Havent RTFT yet.

You have an autistic child. You need some downtime. A drink sat outside is fine.

My autistic DD (13) is sleeping over at her GP’s tonight, and I am looking forward to driving her there in an hour, and to have two cigs and a drink!!
I love her, but my entire life revolves around her and her needs. And her siblings and the dog and the rest of the family of course.
A smoke and a drink is MY time and there’s nothing wrong with having a moment to yourself.

@lemonblue It’s called self care .
You are feeling guilty doing soemthing for you and people like that struggle to do “self care”

Next time take a picnic and couple glasses of wine. .
You are doing nothing wrong…..

Why is your dh against you having a drink ?

Give yourself a break OP. You are feeling overwhelmed,so you have removed yourself from the situation, to take a breather. Or as I call it 'a reset' . Be kind to yourself x

Enjoy the head space. Next weekend book yourself a couple of hours in a spa or go for a woodland walk. You don't have to keep it a secret and it will help your mental health. Young children are exhausting. Autism is exhausting. Hope you have enjoyed your break in the Nature Reserve.

JFC so many pearl clutchers focussing on the alcohol and ignoring the fact that the OP said she rarely drinks.

OP good on you for taking time for yourself. You need and deserve a break. Think about how you can factor in time for you (and your DH) during your normal weekly routine. Talk about how you both need time out and what that will look like.

You’re a good mum, you’re doing your best. To be a good parent you need to look after yourself.

Don't feel ashamed OP. Give yourself a break. I'm currently sitting alone in Wetherspoons with a glass of Pinot having a much needed break from my sick DH. He's got COPD and pneumonia on top of that and he's coughing incessantly. You're doing what you need to do today to get through it. Enjoy the time off and don't feel guilty. You're allowed.

Once a fortnight or so, I used to go to the cafe down the road and order a small cheeseboard and a large glass of wine. Then I’d sit alone and enjoy it without having to think about my daughter. I love her, but she’s exhausting.

I bet you’re a very good mum; you just need a bit of you time, and the opportunity to relax.

I’d be more concerned about the fact you can’t tell your DH what your plans are, if I wanted to have a drink (wherever) I’d just let him know I need time out and that’s what I’m doing. Also that you feel you can’t have a cocktail in the house because of his reaction. Can’t you just say you went to Tesco bought a few cocktails and drank them while enjoying the great outdoors? Or even better both go and enjoy some cocktails (or not) and enjoy the great outdoors?

Also Op - I’ve told my DH I’m going out before and hidden out of sight in the garden with a glass of wine and some crisps… same difference.

To have an autistic child, depending on how the autism manifests, can be very hard. You and your husband need emotional and practical support. Do you belong to any groups?

@lemonblue Aww poor you..don't feel bad and am hoping things improve..

Give yourself a massive break op. Having disabled children is hard. I have two. Nothing wrong or shameful about sitting in a nice spot and having a drink to just let off some steam. You need self care op. You are not alone.

If you’re just having a couple of drinks it’s not shameful. But maybe he’s made you feel that way. As most people would do that at home. Being a parent to an autistic child is far from easy. Do you have much support?