I’m doing something so shameful

[lemonblue]

At the age of 31 I have come to my local nature reserve with a few cans of cocktails and am sat here drinking them on my own. I feel like a loser. DH is at home with the kids and I told him I was going to Tesco. So after I’ve done here I’m going to have to walk to Tesco and buy something.

My life is crap and I know it sounds like I’m feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I am. If I drank in the house DH would say something then it would just ruin my mood.

I won’t get “drunk” I know when to stop but I like the tipsy feeling.

Ergh🤦🏻‍♀️

Please don’t be ashamed that you are finding your child so difficult, it’s totally normal. I used to fantasise about abandoning my child at the local police station or hospital because he used to do recreational screaming.
I hope you find additional resources to help you cope even if it’s a regular break at the weekend, maybe you could incorporate a class into that break?

Nothing to be ashamed of OP. I've done the exact same thing, more often than I'd like to admit.

You sound quite down, I know parenting an autistic child can be hard, my DS6 is autistic, he's non verbal and every day is exhausting, you're not alone. Do you have support in life other than your husband?
If you're feeling like it's too much, reach out to your GP, they can offer advice. Do you have any mum friends or attend any autism groups? They can be so beneficial in coping with everything.

Oh for future reference, Co op does a Rum cocktail in a can, it's 2 for £6 and they're 10.8%. Two of those and I'm usually giggling at my own shadow

The problem with this is the drinking to solve a problem not the drinking itself.

Next time you feel overwhelmed skip the cocktails and just go for a walk around the nature reserve, take that time and a breather. Perhaps block yourself some time out every Saturday morning so it becomes routine and you know you have that break and a bit of respite.

It's not shameful.

what does DH do with DS/around the house? Why do you have to lie about doing a chore (Tesco) to get out of the house alone. I think you need to look at that. Him commenting on you drinking at home is not on, unless maybe it's vodka on your cornflakes every day.

you need more support & understanding. Not judgement.

Have you asked family/friends for help with DS.

my ex neighbours little girl has SEN & was very challenging for her mum. Masked at school & exploded at home. So a few time a week she'd come over and we'd play games, colour in, read. Just to give them both a break.

I was sad when they moved away, but happy for them to have a much nicer home & garden!

Come on guys. She’s not doing it everyday! It’s a one off time when she’s feeling particularly sorry for herself. As long as it doesn’t become a habit, it’s fine.

Although why would your dh say something? You should be able to say I just fancy a drink on the odd occasion. How is your relationship with him. Is he part of your life is crap comment? Although an autistic child is hard enough.

A break from life is ok from time to time. The fact your DH won’t let you have a drink in the house is worrying though. Is he controlling or do you have any issues with alcohol?

Dont feel ashamed for being human. DH and I once went to church and then sat in the park on the way home drinking those tiny bottles of wine for one straight from the bottle. As long as it’s not a regular thing, then it’s fine.

You have done nothing to be ashamed of.

We all need to blow off steam occasionally. It’s not shameful xxx

Sorry you’re having a hard time OP. Please take this time to gather your thoughts and relax. Lots of people have a drink to unwind, it might not be ideal but as a one off it’s fine.

I think it's ok

It's called a mention a mental health break

Have you considered anti depressants and seeking some support in real life?
Having a SEN child can be really hard.
There are days where it feels like it's just been so hard for so long that you need an escape, and I think this is a sign that you need to figure out how to maybe feel better day to day.

No judgement. But you do deserve to not feel like you had to go to the lengths you have today for the stress to have lifted for a little while.

Can you take it in turns to give each other free time? You do need a break.

No judgement from me!
I used to drive to cinema, watch a movie then do a shop as quick as possible all while telling my (now ex) husband that I was doing the shopping and Q’s were awful.
Only way I could get a few hours peace to myself every now and then.

We can keep you company op. Why don’t you off load here? You will feel much better,.

Yes, because most people in the pub all day aren't there in secret, and the pub is good for socialising and being around people - being alone, in secret, drinking in a nature reserve is very different.

That's not to say that it's not understandable, but it also can't become regular.

Next time you feel like this, don't go to Tesco and buy alcohol to drink alone. Go to a pub and treat yourself to a nice lunch and have a glass of wine in the company of others. Take a book to read if you're self conscious about being on your own. Or ring round your friends and see if anyone is free for a coffee/drink and a chat? You're not the only one to struggle. Open up to people, let them know you need support.

It is concerning that you are going out to get drunk in the middle of the day.
I understand why DH would be annoyed at you doing the same at home.

Are you sure you’re not alcohol dependent?

I love a drink but turning to it when you’re so stressed is not healthy (especially if you’re getting drunk in a park, it’s no different from a man with a bottle of cider).

You need to make sure you have regular breaks a couple of times a week.

Set up a timetable with DH so that you both have free time, couples time and family time each week.

Join a gym, go for walks, see friends, do a course etc it doesn’t matter what you do but you just need to have no responsibilities for a few hours a week.

BTW this is the sort of thing I used to do as a teenager when I lived with very controlling parents - I'd bunk off school (back in the 80s when nobody cared!) to go down the railway or canal - by trying to keep me 'safe' they were nudging me into some pretty dangerous situations.

But you are an equal partner in an adult relationship... hence the need for a discussion maybe...

I have done this. Just to take a moment from a difficult home and busy job. Sat in nature, cold beer and a book, just helped me reset. Don’t do it often and I’m definitely not an alcoholic, but I get why you have chosen to do it.

If that's the most shameful thing you do, you'll have done very well!

It's basically a chilly, car based spa day.

N.B obviously if you are using alcohol to get through life, that's something to look into.

Solidarity from another parent of an autistic child (with an autistic husband who is also extremely judgemental about any alcohol consumption whatsoever - even a champagne toast at weddings! - as well as most things other people do that he personally wouldn’t enjoy and therefore must be Wrong)

My child was the age yours is now during lockdown, and I remember wanting to take up smoking just to get a hit of something and also remain alert and sober to look after my child. Just to momentarily feel something slightly different from the constant grinding down of my nervous system and sky high stress levels. It was the only time I came close to self harm.

Thinking of you and wishing you strength.

Don’t be ashamed at all OP. Why would your husband comment/can’t you have a “fuck it” drink at home?
my sister’s DD is autistic and they are on their knees, up at 4am most days. They have v active days because being in the house can be intolerable.
My sister and BIL also often have a few early proseccos to just get through and I think putting music on and having a laugh slightly tipsy really helps, although makes them more knackered!
I hope you and your H can support each other. I know sometimes with a child with SEND can do the opposite with the stress but you need to feel together in this.
Look after yourself x

I love this! 👍 Join the happy legion of bird botherers! Birds and animals are good for the human soul...

Sorry, just read you've walked there.

I have a child with ASD. Lone parent so weekends dragged.