Sister constantly on about how intelligent her DC is

[Stickinthemuddle]

I feel awful when I hear my sister go on about how intelligent her DC is. She’s described him as ‘incredibly advanced’ ‘way ahead of the rest of the class’ ‘a natural leader’ and ‘a skilled orator’. She’s also got a bunch of tales about him smugly correcting his teachers. He’s 8.

I do think he’s super bright (and funny and kind and inquisitive) but she makes him sound quite unpleasant! I guess I feel guilty because I am very fond of him so feel I should also be celebrating how great he is but this boastfulness makes me want to add in my head stuff like ‘oh well he is summer born’ or ‘why aren’t the school giving him more stretching stuff then’.

He is bright and is top of the class, am I just being envious? My kids are happy at school and doing fine, they’ve got one or two things they’re great at but (with love!) I wouldn’t describe them as incredibly advanced etc etc. They get on great with their cousin and are all really close.

They're coming to stay for a week over Christmas and I’m already dreading when the kids are in bed and she starts reeling off his latest achievements- how do I respond? Or is just a private mantra in my head about how nice my nephew is a better approach?

My nephew himself is proud of his knowledge of some historical facts but doesn’t talk about himself like this at all.

am I just being envious?
Probably but it can also be annoying listening to the same stuff over and over

how do I respond?
Thats brilliant, he’s doing well…. Then just redirect the conversation if you don’t want to hear it

People that boast about their kids like that bore the hole off me too OP, you have my sympathies. You’re probably not jealous, it’s just tedious hearing that much detail about someone else’s child. It would be the same as working with someone that kept harping on about how great they are at sport or something. Nod and smile and try to move the conversation along

Oh God I get that, it's hard to listen to. My brother is like that with his son and his football. He acts like he's the next Mo Salah, and maybe he is but I don't want to hear about it allllll the time. I don't want to come across as jealous so I do try to be encouraging and interested but then I will
change the conversation. Doesn't work though as he will invariably start talking about it again.

Are you close enough/can your sisterly relationship handle some honesty?

Like 'I couldn't love [nephew] more, but I should probably tell you that for some reason I find myself feeling weird when you're talking a lot about his achievements. Maybe I'm just way too British.'

And then go and prove how British you are by apologising and saying you're wrong about 20,000 times but hope she gets the picture anyway.

Cringing for her

Learning isn't linear ...

Have a look at Bedtime Stories for Privileged Children 😆

People like this often go awfully quiet in the teen years when we are all one phone call away from disaster.

Yeah I wonder if I’m gonna go this perhaps either before or after Christmas would be better than during the stay.

DH says I should counter with stuff like ‘did you see how great he was helping the little ones earlier’ to give her stuff to be proud of that’s not three weeks of 100% spelling tests or whatever more academic things.

A week over Christmas???

Good luck with that 🍷

Have a pact with your dh to drink a shot each time she mentions one of his achievements. ;-)
She might be a bit insecure, I was the only member of my extended family with average intellect whilst my siblings and cousins were all top set. When my own dc turned out to be high achievers, I have to admit to shouting it from the rooftops.

I guess her kids are the same age as yours??

If you're childish you could point out your kids' skills loads - oh look at how high Casper just jumped. Oh did you see how Annabelle used the past participle correctly in that sentence.

Ad nauseum till she gets the point

When I moan about it to friends they often say stuff like this but obv he is my nephew; I don’t want him to struggle at secondary or have no friends or get in trouble as a teen.

He does have lots of friends and tbh I’m perhaps slightly cynical he is that different from other kids. Like I see he’s likely at the top of his class but maybe not miles and miles ahead, just really quite good!

My sibling did this, dn ended up in dead end jobs because she couldn't live up to her parents expectations all the time, couldn't cope with failure and got very low gcse and dropped out of college. We have dc of similar age and it was never ending, it stopped when my dc went to university and then bought thier first house (both of which she and dn have not done). I've always felt sorry for dn having to live up to expectations, she is very intelligent and lovely but it almost feels like by not trying she won't disappoint her parents (in reality I feel whatever she does will disappoint her parents). It has definitely damaged dn relationship with her parents.
I literally spent 20 plus years smiling, saying how lovely dn can walk/talk/ write and my dc can't and biting my tongue!

Well, 5 days. The big 3 and then a day each side for travel/packing. Our mum is in residential care and can’t come out so we wanted to fit in a good few visits.

“Oh well done Henry, you must be very proud
of him, but when are you going to learn some humility?”

Sounds incredibly annoying. Is she similarly smug about anything else?

I’d start ruthlessly taking the piss. Make sure it’s directed at her not him.

He can’t be far off being absolutely mortified by her.

My eldest is roughly the same age- they could be in the same school year but aren’t.

My youngest is 2 so a bit bemused what achievements he would be smashing 😁 Though I do recall at the age the discourse was around what a worldly gourmand DN was and how he liked lobster on holiday. I guess I could probably get him to eat a blini 🤔

I don't really have any advice but you've listed some lovely traits about him, as an aunt I'd make sure I'd notice and compliment him about his kindness or good humour...

It could be complicated having a parent who constantly focuses on academic achievement.

You can be the big fish in a small pond OP but it soon changes when the pond gets bigger and suddenly not the biggest fish anymore!

I would smile and say that's great is he enjoying any clubs outside of school? As it's not just academic achievements which get you through these days.

Intelligence doesn't equate to life long success just because of ability. It might be worth reminding your sister that he's a child who should also be having fun and not under pressure too much for academic standards.
I had quite a few friends who breezed through GCSEs and A levels. Uni however came as a shock to their system and quite a few dropped out as they had burnt out or struggled no longer easily getting top marks.

I have a SIL like that. Her DD is bright (and quirky) but right the way through her teens it was non stop about how she was Oxbridge material. It was bloody dull (I did a lot of smiling and nodding). Anyway it got to uni time and DD refused to play ball. She’s at a great uni, but not Oxbridge. SIL recently said it’s one of her biggest regrets banging on and in about it. She knows she put her off.

Go full passive aggressive. Get in there first and talk about how amazing he is at length, not leaving a gap for her to intervene, and repeat all the stories again and again for so long that she is ready to stick her head in a blender with how boring it all is until she finally gets the message.

It’s lovely to be proud of your kids but endless unfiltered thoughtless bragging is dreadful.

It is all about tone and awareness.

I have a lovely friend with a dc who is borderline genius (music, physics and maths) and she shares her joy in her dc achievements with such awe and gratitude that actually I love hearing about it. And when she has a lot to tell me, she will say, “can I take a few minutes to be a proud mum, I’m just bubbling over and I’ve no one else to tell and I know you’ll appreciate it. If you’re busy though, just stop me!”

sorry I think the best you can do is change the subject or try and steer the conversation away.

I wouldn’t mention it to her, she will get the huff I expect and assume you are jealous

Oh god she sounds a nightmare

”skilled orator” at 8 😅😅

I’d just take the piss out of my sister (and she would do the same to me) if she droned on like this (we don’t!)

Tbf DH does wind her up about that one and when DN is listing football stats to his mum he chips in to that extent!

Originally it was after his Nativity narration ffs. I mean it was nice and clear and all that but come on!

I hear you op! Not about academic prowess necessarily, but I have a friend like this whose two dc are "her world" and she always has to make it clear somehow how her dc are uniquely wonderful and that her love for them is somehow very special indeed 😬

It does grind my gears a bit! 😆. First of all I was brought up not to boast. And secondly I always wonder why she feels the need to say it every time we meet or talk on the phone; does she not realise that every child is uniquely wonderful to their parents and that almost every parent feels deeply invested and embedded in their love for their children?

Ultimately though, although she is quite full on, I like her as a person and reckon that at least this "showing" off is generated by genuine love and pride for her offspring and that is no bad thing; or she is deeply insecure, in which case I have sympathy. I don't think it's the latter as she is very confident in other ways but one never knows! Or maybe her parents were very formal and stand-offish and she is doing her best to do the opposite? And that would be very understandable and forgiveable.

So that's a very long and complicated way of saying that I let it drift over me as much as possible because ultimately the friendship is worth it. I warn you though, I had hoped it would get better over time but if anything, the nearer they are to leaving home, the worse it gets! 😆😆