Sister constantly on about how intelligent her DC is

[Stickinthemuddle]

I feel awful when I hear my sister go on about how intelligent her DC is. She’s described him as ‘incredibly advanced’ ‘way ahead of the rest of the class’ ‘a natural leader’ and ‘a skilled orator’. She’s also got a bunch of tales about him smugly correcting his teachers. He’s 8.

I do think he’s super bright (and funny and kind and inquisitive) but she makes him sound quite unpleasant! I guess I feel guilty because I am very fond of him so feel I should also be celebrating how great he is but this boastfulness makes me want to add in my head stuff like ‘oh well he is summer born’ or ‘why aren’t the school giving him more stretching stuff then’.

He is bright and is top of the class, am I just being envious? My kids are happy at school and doing fine, they’ve got one or two things they’re great at but (with love!) I wouldn’t describe them as incredibly advanced etc etc. They get on great with their cousin and are all really close.

They're coming to stay for a week over Christmas and I’m already dreading when the kids are in bed and she starts reeling off his latest achievements- how do I respond? Or is just a private mantra in my head about how nice my nephew is a better approach?

My nephew himself is proud of his knowledge of some historical facts but doesn’t talk about himself like this at all.

Feel sad for the kid OP, this might not end well. My sister was like this with my nephew, and even though he is genuinely brilliant, he has failed his A levels and dropped out of college. She did not support him at all, but built him up to think he was better than his teachers. I've tried to help him as much as I can, but in the end there's not a lot I can do. It's tragic, because he is remarkably intelligent, and I hate seeing him waste his opportunities. He's so lost.

Could she be overcompensating because she wanted a second child and it didn't happen? If you are going to mention it, tread carefully in case something else is going on.

The most I'd do is say "doesn't he get embarrassed when you talk about him like that? I'd have died if mum had done it " otherwise just distract her onto a different topic. If he's sweet and not showy, it's maybe something she only does to you, feels she's got something to prove.

Yes DH also thinks partly it’s the only child thing. Once you have a second kid you obv don’t keep going on about how amazingly advanced the first one is but see they’ve got different strengths. That said, my closest friend has one child and she’s not like this at all!

For heaven's sake, OP, no eight year old is a 'skilled orator'. Just crack up laughing if she comes out with anything like that again, wipe you eyes, and say 'Oh, Simone, you're hilarious -- really, you cheer me up!'

Or if she mentions again that he keeps having to correct his teachers, look terribly concerned and say his needs are not being met where he is.

She’s also got a bunch of tales about him smugly correcting his teachers. He’s 8.

What a shame for him, you make him sound like a sweet kid but his mum is making him sound like a precocious little knob.

Perhaps you could point that out to her?

Even if he is all of those things, which
you agree he is, no one actually wants to hear it! No one likes a bragger.
I'm not sure how to say kindly, whilst you agree, you are sick of hearing it!

Is she living through her son? Ask her about her achievements? Unless she is one of the people who also achieves everything, in which case don't....

A friend of mine recently told me very bluntly to stop talking about my DD all the time, she'd heard enough and wanted to talk about something else!
Fair to say this approach might not work for everyone but I took it on the chin 😄
Your sister is obviously a proud Mum but maybe she does need to hear she needs to reign it in a bit..

Well yes there is a lot of ‘like me he’s finding school so easy’. I did pull her up when she commented he’d inherited her musical genes. She doesn’t play any instrument but meant she had violin lessons at school (as did I!)

I suppose she is correct in that to date I’m not seeing any evidence of any particular gift there but in his defence he has been lumbered with the clarinet through a random class pool 😁

She claimed if she had more time she’d play more violin but I reminded her she stopped at 12 when she went to secondary not after she’d had DN!

There is a lot of standard older sibling back handedness. She’s very ‘oh your kids are creative like you!’ I am a bit more creative than her but also a senior manager in a large public organisation. She’s a solicitor and does earn a bit more than me but not wild amounts and certainly has to put in way more hours.

I guess I don’t want my kids absorbing the narrative that they’ll never be as bright as their cousin, but I’m probably projecting a lot onto that.

Be proud of your nephew - hopefully he carries this right through to his education and has a good and interesting career. Some of the posters on here sound very mean- practically wishing that he fails at some point lol bitches!

If this was my sister I'd just laugh at her and tell her she's starting to sound like a broken record. If she's close enough to spend Christmas with you surely you can kindly tell her she's annoying you?

I have friend and a sister who do that endlessly about their children and now grandchildren. I have to stop myself making sarky comments e.g. Oh can they join Mensa at eighteen months?

My husband's ex used to be like this with regard to his granddaughter. It embarrassed DH. The kid was bright enough, but not the child prodigy that her granny thought she was.

I just put it down to granny pride.

Yeah she’s a bit of a sulker. She’d get back on track but there would be an atmosphere for a bit- I think doing it initially over the phone before she comes to stay might lay the ground better than waiting til we’ve all had wine

I'm petty enough that I'd probably get passive-aggressive about this.

When she says he's "incredibly advanced" try "Oh, that's great he's doing so well in maths. Has he caught up a bit in terms of his social skills now as well?"

When she describes him as a "skilled orator", "I had noticed his speech is much clearer lately, it was quite hard to understand him last time I saw you."

If she brags about smugly correcting teachers, just act really shocked and say "Goodness, did he not get a detention for that? My DC would never be so rude to a teacher. There's a book I read recently for how to teach children to express themselves politely without coming across rude and arrogant, I'll see if I can dig it out later."

It's all bollocks of course as you say DN is a nice kid, but she'll soon find it's not fun to brag and stop.

Being super smart is rarely plain sailing. That's why it's classed as a special need. It distinguishes a child from their peers, not so much when they're young but in their teens. Differences become more noticeable at a time when they want to be like everyone else. Sometimes there can be an underlying neurodivergence, but not always and there doesn't have to be to still feel different from peers. I know one child who is dazilingly smart, good looking, articulate, humble, surely destined for great things. He's great company - for me, a middle aged woman but on a totally different level to his peers.

If the kid is super smart, he'll need to be supported well. So long as your sister understands this, I'd let her boast and think about why it bothers you.

Just in case you missed this @Stickinthemuddle , I'll reiterate it for you.

It's absolutely bang on the money. All the pedagogic research available indicates that some DCs peak early and some peak later, only a tiny percentage gain top marks throughout their time at school. There are myriad reasons for this, both in and outside the school but the DCs who achieve most at 11, 16, 18 and 21/22 can differ markedly.

Your nephew may be lovely and clever but your sister sounds like a royal pain in the hole.

She’s got some great qualities but I am slightly dreading the length of stay- I’m probably being a bit harsh on her!

Had this from a distant relative; on and on at length about his academic prowess.
The child did not live up to mother’s expectations at all!
But child is apparently happy so all good

My brother used to brag about my nephew. They emigrated to the US when DN was 12. I asked how he was doing after a year or so and my brother said the teachers had told him that DN was doing so well there was nothing more they could teach him. Fast forward 20 odd years. He’s never had a job apart from a short spell at a gas station, has grown his hair long with a full beard. Never joins in our FaceTime chats. Such a waste of a life. My DS has ASD and was of average ability but has managed to qualify as an electrician and has a full time job and I am now so proud of him. As cousins they are such a contrast

We have a relative like that. Thankfully ours are older so I can roll my eyes, but I have felt for the cousin who's the same age that relative likes to push down just in case anyone might compliment them instead.

I think the funniest was the comment on seeing the pantomime and they were so intelligent they "understood the jokes for adults as well as children." My suggestion that was more a case for safeguarding than intelligence didn't go down very well.
Unfortunately it did rub off on the child and he was very much of the same opinion as his parents. Although I tended to find he gave these grand statements that his parents proclaimed showed his brilliance, but there wasn't actually a lot behind them. I remember when dd got her A-levels results and his comment, which his parents proudly repeated "I will do better", which was difficult seeing as she'd got top grades <notice how I slipped in a stealth boast> But they were so proud of this statement and his ambition they didn't question it, but just kept repeating it as though he'd already done better.

What I would say is that the comments have dropped away. I first noticed in year 6 that I was expecting a huge "look what he got in his SATS". Nothing. And since he's been at secondary the brilliance seems to have not been mentioned. I'm guessing they've found that he isn't quite as brilliant as they thought.

But one thing from your Op - they don't do top of the form any more normally. They might be in the top groups, but it's unlikely they've been told his top of the form. So from that I would assume that a certain amount is in the parents' heads.

I wlukd tell my sister I love my nephew to bits and tge fact he's clever, caring, sociable blah blah ... but I find her boasting distasteful abd tvat it dies him a dis-service as he's not a boaster/show off at all.

He sounds like my younger dgs but DD just says he takes after his dad, and me. I'm very intelligent but that means nothing if you don't do anything with it. I'm aged pre autism etc but score high on both ADHD and female autism tests

Your poor nephew. If she's not careful, she'll make him very unlikeable.

From experience, teachers don't mind being corrected if they've made a mistake, what they don't take kindly to is children being insufferable with it.

There will soon be an element of "needs taking down a peg or two" And he won't get chosen for things because he cant be relied upon to not be not be annoying. Being precocious is cute at 5, but it's irritating at 8, especially there's an element of being superior with it.

Also, from what I've noticed, this type of child (with this type of parent) can really struggle with not winning/achieving/being able to do something the first time. They're not used to not getting it right, and fall apart and need a lot of reassurance when they come across something they can't immediately do.