Sister constantly on about how intelligent her DC is

[Stickinthemuddle]

I feel awful when I hear my sister go on about how intelligent her DC is. She’s described him as ‘incredibly advanced’ ‘way ahead of the rest of the class’ ‘a natural leader’ and ‘a skilled orator’. She’s also got a bunch of tales about him smugly correcting his teachers. He’s 8.

I do think he’s super bright (and funny and kind and inquisitive) but she makes him sound quite unpleasant! I guess I feel guilty because I am very fond of him so feel I should also be celebrating how great he is but this boastfulness makes me want to add in my head stuff like ‘oh well he is summer born’ or ‘why aren’t the school giving him more stretching stuff then’.

He is bright and is top of the class, am I just being envious? My kids are happy at school and doing fine, they’ve got one or two things they’re great at but (with love!) I wouldn’t describe them as incredibly advanced etc etc. They get on great with their cousin and are all really close.

They're coming to stay for a week over Christmas and I’m already dreading when the kids are in bed and she starts reeling off his latest achievements- how do I respond? Or is just a private mantra in my head about how nice my nephew is a better approach?

My nephew himself is proud of his knowledge of some historical facts but doesn’t talk about himself like this at all.

All of this happened to my nephew. It breaks my heart.

I have a friend like this, her DD got the top mark in the country for French GCSE, her DD is gifted at this and exceptional at that etc etc. On and on and on she went, it was so boring, the DD is happily working in a shop now. The friend has changed her tune now as it’s all about being happy, apparently that’s all that matters.

I agree with this too. I'd be quite concerned that her child has no experience of failure and no experience of his mother saying "never mind you can't win everything" or whatever. I know it is annoying you but tbh I think it is very bad for your nephew who sounds lovely. If all he hears is his mother going on about him being so clever, doing better than everyone (even the teachers!) etc then he will also hear that his only value is from achievement.

Not sure how you'd explain it to your sister - I'd probably steer clear but if she starts going on about him I would do what a previous poster suggested and say "oh god stop will you for the sake of DN. We'd have been mortified if mum had gone on about us like that."

I pulled back on a friendship with a lady who whilst generally a lovely person would not stop going on about how great her DCs were, how they were the top at A, B and C and X, Y, Z. Her DCs were lovely and accomplished but at the time, one of my own DCs was going through an SEN referral and - yes call me jealous - I just couldn't muster up the enthusiasm for it.

Basically it's showing off and poor form in my opinion.

My brother used to do this. If I ever mentioned any of my (same age) children’s achievements he would immediately say, ‘that’s good’ swiftly followed by ‘have I told you what x achieved last week’. We rolled our eyes, laughed about it, got frustrated regularly, and still miss him as he died more than a decade ago. His now adult children are delightful, get on well with their cousins and all remember him with love. He was a pain in the rear with his bragging but it came from a good place.

When anyone repeatedly goes on about the same thing I ask are they trying to convince themselves of something or trying to compensate for something

It doesn't matter what the topic it is rude and boring for everyone else

Boasting parents and grandparents are tiresome. I just smile and nod and then change the subject as best I can.

I was always taught it was bad manners to boast so I do find it hard to talk about achievements, but the way some people go on about their kids is a bit much.

You should reply "next you will be telling me, he's got a Mercedes, a swimming pool and room for a pony".

Hopefully, she'll take the hint.

Imo, people who brag about their kids are either living through them, weren't very academic themselves so think their child is a genius, are insecure about their parenting ability etc.

The people in my life who are the worst with this are a little bit insecure about their own achievement so they are living vicariously through their kids. The worst aspect is that it can make you feel dislike towards a child who is actually perfectly nice just because they have a boasting parent.

I think the important thing is to maintain the loving and supportive relationship you have with your nephew and try to connect with him about life away from school and achievement.

My brother is relentlessly competitive about his kids. I find laughing about it with DH or some of my friends helps me to cope. It has been a very long time since I spent a week with him however!!

I feel sorry for your nephew! He is going to end up feeling under pressure.

If it was me I would say “yes that’s great” the first couple of times and after that stick to “yeah you said” etc to show that you’ve got the message and are no longer interested.

If she pulls you up on it just say you’re delighted for nephew but like anything there’s only so much you can listen to, and she’d feel the same if you harped on about your kids in the same way!

I’m glad you think your nephew is a lovely boy because the way your sister describes him make him sound horrible. “A natural leader” makes me think he might be the playground bully. Correcting his teachers? That sounds incredibly rude.

You have my sympathies. I couldn’t cope with someone like your sister. I can’t stand boastful braggy people. But seeing as she’s your sister (and she’s staying for a few days) it’s time for an honest conversation.

I would say in a slightly exasperated voice ‘yes we all know how clever he is so shall we move on’.

Hmm. I know someone who was constantly talked about by his parents as being so clever etc. He is clever, though not amazingly so (failed to get into a top uni). As an adult he comes over as selfish and smug. Maybe he was always like that but hearing all the boasting probably didn't help.

She's your sister. Can't you be blunt?

"Yes little Henry is very bright, but, you know, having his genius as the sole topic of conversation has gone a bit stale. Now, what do you have planned for New Year?"

Or 'Yep he's the next Einstein. Now stick a sock in it.'

If your sister gives him love and praise about being the best above all else when he isn't he might think she won't love him as much.

I think it's a dangerous road to just boast about how good he is. For him.

Does sister ask him "which spelling did you find most difficult?" Or things like that without presuming it's just going to be expected he will be super?

Distant friends boasted about how just perfect their child was, end of year 6 he got expected, not exceeding, in everything across the board. So distinctly average then. There was no point in telling them our year 6 got exceeding across the board. It meant little then, even less now. And makes no difference to anyone's lives.

What our child does have is resilience, kindness to teach others and knows he's loved regardless of his school marks.

There's a big difference.

Your dn correcting the teacher means that probably think he's a pain in the arse.

Have you spent an extended time with them? No child is perfect and can't hide their 'flaws' for 5 days especially over Xmas when most kids are tired and over excited.

Hi just to drop back and say yes I agree with PPs the way she talks about DN makes him sound like an unpleasant little twerp. We don’t recognise this smug smart arse description in him at all, he has never corrected me or DH. A lot if these hilarious tales are Facebook posts along the likes of ‘DS says the funniest things…’

He can of course be a bit annoying or boring sometimes or try to help with a task and just hugely complicate it but no more than my own children and I’m sure he feels the same about me! When he’s here he just rubs along with our two beautifully.

I think I just need to bite my tongue. She’s only here for so long because we suspect it’ll be mum’s last Christmas and she does feel guilty she’s further away. I started the thread tbh because DH was moaning about the length of stay and I didn’t feel I could also moan back to him!

This.

I was told my eldest son was incredibly gifted etc. turned out he was in fact very anxious at school (due to trauma at home- brother died and I divorced their dad due to abuse). So he was concentrating on his work rather than playing with friends etc as he didn't have any friends.
He is 17 now. Did average in his GCSE's and isn't a genius at all. He is a normal 17 year old. He has friends and a gf and is happy. He never was a genius but he was doing better academically at that particular time period but it levelled out and overall like most kids he is average (but still amazing to me.) So I always think it's silly when people say they have an incredibly gifted primary aged child. It doesn't mean anything. They might not be clever at all but they just happen to be ahead at that particular time.

Aw. I love this post.

Oh boy, this is concerning. I had a parent like that who wanted to build her self esteem via my achievements. As a teen/ young adult I only felt loved for what I achieved not just for being me.
I've needed a lot of psychotherapy to deal with it and still feel ill if I spend much time with my mum.

I know a few kids who were amazing high achieving kids who have grown into amazing high achieving adults. All with lovely personalities. (NOT my kids) So don't count on it all falling apart.

I think I'd try and mention it to her while you are talking. It might be she is more careful with other people.

I'm feeling very pissed off with the in-laws after recent events. They are going to get the full benefit of many years of bullshit back at them this Xmas. .
It's quite clear that the maths genius of year 5 has completely failed to live up to that and coming up to GCSEs really needs help.
The olympic athlete of primary school is incapable of playing team sports so that's not exactly worked out well in secondary.
The trophy husband hunting niece is however doing quite well but it's a long shot at 19 relying on your looks and his football skills.