How to get guests to leave after a lunch or dinner

[AnonymouseQuestion]

Does anyone else find guests hang around too long after a meal? If so how do you get them to leave without being rude?

Today we invited two friends for lunch at 1, we chatted, ate, had pudding, had coffee, chatted some more and by 4 I started to clear up sure they would leave. They stayed seated and chatting until 6.30! My in laws do this all the time too. Last weekend the in laws came for brunch and were still here at 3.30pm. In both cases I started clearing up and moving about but they took no hints.

I love having people around but I work full time and have three kids and I need sometime at weekends to sort my life and even, just possibly, be alone for a few moments. If I have people around for a meal I will already have spent hours before their arrival cooking and tidying for them.

I don’t want to be rude but surely 3 hours for lunch is a normal amount of time and most people would then move on? Would anyone think it’s OK to hang about until 6.30?

All ideas for moving guests on gratefully received as I don’t ever want to be rude or stop seeing friends and family but I do want some personal space.

Trouble with asking if they want a cup of tea before they go is inevitably the guests will say yes and then they get talking about something else for three hours.

I remember my sister and brothers coming over once and I genuinely had an urgent piece of work I had to do that evening and I ended up getting the laptop out at the dining table where we are all sitting and they STILL didn’t go. I did the work while they sat there.

This - make the duration of the visit part of the invitation.

I don't think I've ever said ' no don't go yet:)

My df would have made a joke as he announced he was off to go to bed or for a snooze ' haven't you got a home to go to? ' :)

Surely if you invite people they are close enough to be friends and therefore close enough to point out the visit is over?

You need to be more upfront when inviting people over. Say 1-4 would be good for you as you have to do XYZ for work.

I would have thought early evening is when I would expect my guests to go 6 30 would be fine and expected. I think if you want them gone earlier you need to say. "And you all need to bugger off by 4.30" if thats what you want

I wouldn't dream of hosting when I didn't have a free afternoon/ evening. I can't believe people are suggesting 3 hours is too long for lunch, it's a perfectly normal time span. Do you people bolt your lunch and go? What about chatting, taking your time over the meal etc?

I’m Scandinavian and to me it would not be rude to speak up, in a nice way.

There is even a (weird) phrase for it, when someone says Well, it’s time to think about the chorus..you know it’s time to leave. Or the person wanting to leave could say it.

It's not rude at all. Offering someone a meal doesn't mean one has to dedicate the entire day to them.

I have a friend who would sit there until 9pm, or later. I don't invite her round for lunch anymore, we meet out.

9pm is completely OTT! Crazy.

No, it really isn’t. It all depends on how you say things.

If you are invited for lunch - you should leave about 4 as a general rule. I tend to find the offer of a second cup of tea does it. It's also very helpful to have a dog as we can say 'oh we really need to get the dog out now....'.

My Brother just says to people, right there's something on the telly I want to watch, see you again soon.

I wasn’t saying three hours is too long. Three to three and a half hours is the perfect amount of time. It was at the three hour mark that I began to think of clearing and hoped that within the next 30-45 mins they would leave. That gave us time for nibbles when they arrived, main course, pudding and coffee plus a coffee refill all while catching-up and chatting.

are you honestly saying you wouldn’t host a lunch if you could not dedicate the whole afternoon and evening to the guests? My life doesn’t have that sort of time available. I love hosting and catching-up with friends but I can’t dedicate an entire day to cooking and preparing, then hosting from lunch through the evening.

Oh no! Sometimes I think staying late is a compliment - like the hosts are such fun that you don’t want to leave.

hmmmmmmm tricky

MIL has serious form for this. It's even worse after covid as she was in our "family group" or whatever it was called then.
She'll arrive at 11.30 for lunch at 1 and leave around 7-9pm happily sitting with a book. DH refuses to put the TV on because she is reading so will pass out on the sofa leaving me to make conversation.
So I've cut the visits right back and now get up after a reasonable period of sociability and get on with the inevitably huge clean up and ironing of school shirts etc elsewhere. She's family so I will treat her as such. Same for BIL as he'll happily snooze off lunch for hours and massively overstay his [very limited] welcome.
For other guests I broadly write off the afternoon / early evening as it's a schlep to get to us and no one wants to drive back in peak weekend traffic unless they have their own stuff to do.

Definitely pre empt. When inviting say at the time that you'll have to head out at 4pm (or whatever time suits)

Time for a quick cuppa before you head off?

Don't marry someone who cracks easily. I've done the clearing up thing before only for DH to say did you want to stay for tea? I love the man, but there are times I need an alibi.

Goodness that’s a long time for your mil to stay TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams

I think it’s really insensitive of parents and in-laws not to be respectful of working couples time. If you have dc too, you need time to get them ready for the next day and if guests stay very late after lunch, you don’t have any evening or wind down time at all.

It depends on how different families operate but personally I really value relatives and friends who come for a set time, contribute to conversation and activities, and leave reasonably promptly. “Always leave them wanting more” is a really good adage I think.

This is going to sound terrible but I have a lonely neighbour who I invite to tea three or four times a year. The trouble is she stays for four to five hours every time and talks non-stop throughout. I would invite her much more regularly if I knew she would stay for an hour or so and then leave, but because I know I am in for a long haul, I kind of dread inviting her now.

I have a friend who is very upfront about when she wants you to leave - in the past she has:

• Texted a time that we must leave by in advance of us arriving.
• Said ‘in the most loving possible way, please fuck off now’.
• Literally shooed us out of the door saying ‘off you go now’.
• Cancelled a dinner because we weren’t able to arrive at her preferred start time (which would then impact her preferred finish time).

After years of friendship I know that she doesn’t want us to hang about, so we tend to be quite careful about outstaying our welcome now - it only took a few of the above situations for us to get the message.

With other friends it is often a whole day event if we meet for lunch - I think it just depends and you need to understand the people you’re socialising with.

Just a simple "well, it's been a lovely time and it's been great catching up, but if you excuse me I have to start cracking on with xyz".

The ideal scenario is that the guest leaves at the suitable 4pm ish after lunch after looking at their watch and saying "goodness me is that the time, we must get back to feed the raccoon/water the hanging baskets/insert suitable excuse"

the hostess then gets to lightly press them "oh gosh but it's so early, it feels like you only just arrived, are you sure you won't have a cup of tea before you go ?"

then all social niceties have been observed abd even if they accept the politely proffered tea you have an end time nearing.

She's lonely I guess. FIL passed away a long time ago, she has few friends but very few who aren't busy at the weekends. Problem is the kids are now teens and their repertoire of polite conversation runs out within an hour of lunchtime finishing and the meals aren't short. They want to do their homework/own thing and not do a craft project with their grandmother. I don't begrudge it every 4-6 weeks but it would be far more frequent if it were a bit less onerous into my two days off.

We need to go back to the days when your footman would leave a card (engraved!) with the other ladies' housemaids stipulating the hours of your, 'At home.'

On the day of the gathering, the same footman would then tactfully usher the company out at the desired hour of the 'At home's' ending.

When he had safely got rid of them all, you could chug down some brandy and laudanum on the chaise longue. Either with the footman or without, according to taste.