Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

How to get guests to leave after a lunch or dinner

122 replies

AnonymouseQuestion · 03/11/2024 22:11

Does anyone else find guests hang around too long after a meal? If so how do you get them to leave without being rude?

Today we invited two friends for lunch at 1, we chatted, ate, had pudding, had coffee, chatted some more and by 4 I started to clear up sure they would leave. They stayed seated and chatting until 6.30! My in laws do this all the time too. Last weekend the in laws came for brunch and were still here at 3.30pm. In both cases I started clearing up and moving about but they took no hints.

I love having people around but I work full time and have three kids and I need sometime at weekends to sort my life and even, just possibly, be alone for a few moments. If I have people around for a meal I will already have spent hours before their arrival cooking and tidying for them.

I don’t want to be rude but surely 3 hours for lunch is a normal amount of time and most people would then move on? Would anyone think it’s OK to hang about until 6.30?

All ideas for moving guests on gratefully received as I don’t ever want to be rude or stop seeing friends and family but I do want some personal space.

OP posts:
StiffyByngsDogBartholomew · 03/11/2024 22:36

FusionChefGeoff · 03/11/2024 22:35

You don't need an excuse or any elaborate subterfuge.

When they've finished their coffee, you stand up and say "This has been lovely, and I hate to do this but we've got a busy week so I'm going to have to say goodbye now so we can get ourselves sorted"

Why is that so alien to people??

Because people feel it's so blunt that it would be very rude and inhospitable.

Lifelover16 · 03/11/2024 22:38

Get the hoover out

user14941775 · 03/11/2024 22:41

My aunty's favourite: "oh my goodness look at the time, I'm so sorry, well I mustn't be keeping you" piss off

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

SabreIsMyFave · 03/11/2024 22:49

I hear ya OP, and for this reason I have NO-ONE at my house now - apart from adult DC (and their partners.) Even they stay 5 hours sometimes, (occasionally 6,) and it IS exhausting when you get to 4 hours. I glance over at DH when it's going into the 5th hour and I can see him flagging. I start to get backache, and my eyes feel heavy. And this is our own children! Sometimes they stay 3 hours, (which is fine, great!) but sometimes it is 4 or 5... They come about once every 4 weeks - and we go to theirs in between... So we see them maybe twice a month. Sometimes we go out for meals with them. Or the theatre.

My DH's cousin came from down South a few times a few years ago (when both DC lived at home.) He hadn't seen her for 30 years - and had reconnected on Genes Reunited. I didn't know her, and DH didn't really! He was about mid teens when they last met and she was 35 then, so she was 20 years older than him. He wasn't even close to her. So I don't know why he decided to ask her to visit. She wanted to stay with us but I vetoed it as we had no room and I didn't want a stranger in my house! So we booked her a Travelodge for the night.

The first time, she got here at 10.30am (We took her to check in at the Travelodge at 3pm,) and she stayed til 9pm. We were absolutely shattered. I don't know WHY she thought it was OK to stay 10 fucking HOURS. Confused

She came again a couple of months later and stayed 8 hours this time! I said to DH 'I can't do this again - it's so exhausting and stressful. I don't even know what to say to her. And she is rude and obnoxious!' It was a relief to get in the kitchen and cook for an hour to get away from her. She was critical too. Kept commenting on my weight, and our house, and our garden, and the area we lived in.

We went to visit her the next time - 2 months later - and we got there at midday. The plan was to stay til about 4pm. (She said we were having lunch at 1pm) She didn't give us 'lunch' til 3.30pm. We were STARVING. Hadn't eaten since 7am. She kept us there til 7pm. We kept trying to get away. She also seemed really offended and sniffy that we said we wouldn't stay at her house. 'I've made up the guest room' she said. It's got a double bed and sleeping bags for the kids. (They were young teenagers then!) We had booked a Travelodge too. 2 rooms. We said we don't want to waste the rooms.

We visited AGAIN 2 months later after she kept badgering us, and DH had to say he had work the next day, as she kept insisting we stay at hers!

She was so annoying that for a few months we started giving her a wide berth and not responding to her often. We went away for a week (to the Lake District) and when we came back, a neighbour told us that she had been to our house 'a number of times.' Maybe 6 or 7. (Over the weekend.) Just turned up on a Saturday morning - about 2 hours after we had left for our holiday! Random visit!

Why travel 200 miles and not tell the person you are visiting that you're coming? Apparently she kept popping back every few hours, and the next day too. Sent DH a letter saying she was disgusted that we pretended to not be in, and had clearly moved the car to give the illusion we weren't there.

Her reaction was farcical. She told us not to contact her again. Result!

As I said, we have no-one visiting now, (except our 2 adult DC and their partners,) and anyone else we meet on neutral ground! (Pub lunch/ coffee/ restaurant meal etc...) The vast majority of our extended families are either dead, or 100s, (or 1000s) of miles away... We very rarely see them. (Both sets of parents died some years ago.)

.

boomsi · 03/11/2024 22:54

Invite them over and tell them it's between 12-3 (or whatever time). Pre-warn them that you are going out at that exact time.

Ridiculous that you have to do this. I will never understand how people don't pick up these social cues.

Lampros · 03/11/2024 22:55

They've already posted about this

AnonymouseQuestion · 03/11/2024 22:58

Lampros · 03/11/2024 22:55

They've already posted about this

My guests have posted? I very, very much doubt that.

OP posts:
SabreIsMyFave · 03/11/2024 22:59

StiffyByngsDogBartholomew · 03/11/2024 22:36

Because people feel it's so blunt that it would be very rude and inhospitable.

Edited

Exactly. In real life - no-one would say that. 'Well it's been nice but I have a busy week coming up, so fuck off now...' Smile

SabreIsMyFave · 03/11/2024 23:00

Lampros · 03/11/2024 22:55

They've already posted about this

Who has?

FusionChefGeoff · 03/11/2024 23:05

But yawning, lying, elaborate pantomimes of clearing up etc and then slagging them off for over staying their welcome is fine?

Nope - the only people I host are people who I am happy to be honest with. I don't like being two faced.

betterangels · 03/11/2024 23:06

SabreIsMyFave · 03/11/2024 22:59

Exactly. In real life - no-one would say that. 'Well it's been nice but I have a busy week coming up, so fuck off now...' Smile

Scandinavians do, in my experience. We don't tell people to fuck off, we're nicer about it, but we do make it clear that we have elsewhere to be or other things to do. Often when issuing the invitation.

Brits don't say anything and seethe silently. Just speak up a bit more. It's such a cultural quirk.

Rebecccca · 03/11/2024 23:10

‘I’m off for a lie down, I’ve come over all tierd/dizzy, you’re ok to let yourself out’

‘i needs to start work at 3pm so will need to leave you then’ and follow through.

Also when initially making arrangements let them know that you only have till 3:30 or whatever, then get on with your own plans when the time comes.

Ariela · 03/11/2024 23:15

When you invite them say eg:
Come for lunch at 1 - don't be late as I do need to be cleared up and ready to go out or whatever by 4.30pm/5pm/5.30

SabreIsMyFave · 03/11/2024 23:18

Ariela · 03/11/2024 23:15

When you invite them say eg:
Come for lunch at 1 - don't be late as I do need to be cleared up and ready to go out or whatever by 4.30pm/5pm/5.30

Sounds OK in theory, but inviting someone for 1pm, and saying 'you'll need to be gone by 4.30pm as I have stuff to do later' is just rude, cold, and unwelcoming. Truth be told I wouldn't go to anyone's house who said that. I would feel unwelcome. I wouldn't even say this to family or our adult DC, It's just rude.

Yes, I may be thinking (after 4 hours) 'I kinda wish they'd go now as I'm getting weary,' but I would never say anything. Nor would I say beforehand 'you have a 3 and a half hour limit on your visit to me.' It's just so rude IMO. I can imagine most people thinking 'fuck you then, I won't come if you're clock-watching and waiting for 4,30pm so you can get rid of me!' As I said, this is how I would feel!

.

swiftieswoop · 03/11/2024 23:20

It doesn't sound that long to me, we had several friends over for lunch today at 12pm, they've left at 10:30pm and that was earlier than I expected them to leave.

Shakespeareandi · 03/11/2024 23:29

I don't think it's necessary to say 'you need to leave at 4pm" or whatever time. It sounds rude and as if their visit is somewhat an inconvenience. Just say "come at 1pm, I need to pick up do and so at 4pm so that will give us three lovely hours to see you" Then at 3.45, do the head tilt and say ' Was so lovely to have you over, wish I didn't have to leave in 15 minutes. What are you up to after this? " I like having people over but introverted so take a lot out of me and need a bit of quiet time after socialising. I also don't want my friends to feel unwanted. No need to be blunt.

decorativecushions · 03/11/2024 23:30

For every one person who would find it rude bring asked to leave at a certain time, I'd bet there's another guest in this scenario who be delighted to be given an out.

Whether I'm a hist or a guest, I find it tricky knowing how to bring the socialising to an end, and would be grateful to be provided a clear end point.

I don't dislike socialising but 3 hours at a time is more than plenty for me, and socialising would make me a lot less anxious if I knew when it would be drawing to an end.

Lavenderfields21 · 03/11/2024 23:31

Give a time with the invitation. Would you like to come for lunch on Sunday, 1-4pm?

decorativecushions · 03/11/2024 23:33

In Germany there is a phrase which literally means 'I am feeling visited enough' to be used in these scenarios.

In the UK we are so afraid of coming across rude that we will willingly put ourselves out.

As a guest, I'd hate to discover that my host was feeling done with socialising but felt too rude to say so! Just tell me! I won't be offended.

aliasname · 03/11/2024 23:39

My aunt is the master at this, so here are some of her best ones:

The nights are drawing in, you won’t want to drive in the dark
What are you having for your tea?
Well, don’t let me keep you
I’ll take your cup (of half-finished coffee)
Now, where did I put your coat?
(shaking out a cigarette) have you still got that cough?
Will it take you long to get home?

Tbh some of them are quite subtle, we’ve just got used to them. But if we didn’t get the hint, she would move on to more direct ones.

betterangels · 03/11/2024 23:49

aliasname · 03/11/2024 23:39

My aunt is the master at this, so here are some of her best ones:

The nights are drawing in, you won’t want to drive in the dark
What are you having for your tea?
Well, don’t let me keep you
I’ll take your cup (of half-finished coffee)
Now, where did I put your coat?
(shaking out a cigarette) have you still got that cough?
Will it take you long to get home?

Tbh some of them are quite subtle, we’ve just got used to them. But if we didn’t get the hint, she would move on to more direct ones.

Yes, this is familiar.

"You better get going before it gets too dark."
"What are you doing for the rest of the day?" etc.

Keroppi · 03/11/2024 23:50

What's wrong with the classic sigh, slap of the thighs, stand up and "right then" ?!

betterangels · 03/11/2024 23:53

Keroppi · 03/11/2024 23:50

What's wrong with the classic sigh, slap of the thighs, stand up and "right then" ?!

Nothing. I definitely have used that - and have had it used when I was hanging about too long.

Stopsnowing · 03/11/2024 23:54

If friends invite me for lunch I don’t assume I leave as soon as the meal is over. That to me would be rude. Just say when we nviting that you need to do something else at x time.
mind you I wa on the receiving end of this when I invited people round for brunch. I put an end time but some arrived 30 mins before the end time and I hadn’t the heart to kick them out and everyone carried on chatting for ages - I may as well have had them for dinner!

Orders76 · 04/11/2024 00:01

AnonymouseQuestion · 03/11/2024 22:32

I didn’t say I was aiming at 1-3, I said I started clearing at 4. I agree 1-3 would be too short and perfunctory.

i love hosting, for a reasonable period of time.

Unfortunately I've found it's Very hard to make people conform to a time
Going out for a pub lunch really is the only way, everyone can have what they like and leave or stay as they please.

Swipe left for the next trending thread