Why is expressing envy/dissatisfaction at someone doing better than you taboo?

[YourCoolLimeGuide]

I mean we all have someone we don't like achieving the things we want and we don't feel happy for them. E.g. I just brought a house with the help of my grandparents' inheritance and I told my friends and some of them didn't look too happy about it cos they all want houses too?

But if I go and tell people I'm not happy that colleague x got promoted they tell me not to be so nasty, when other people have done it to me?

ah ok makes sense

I wouldn’t blame them. I don’t even know you and I’m finding you quite unpleasant, tbh.

no not disingenuous
i just don't understand why i was getting told off for something other people engage in and don't get told off for

A close friend told me she found it very hard to congratulate me on recent weight-loss because she was so envious. I actually found that quite endearing and sweet.

Most people are envious about something or someone at various points but it’s not malicious. Jealously is more toxic to me. I’m envious my friend can eat everything & not gain a pound, I’m envious of my cat being able to sleep wherever spot she finds. I don’t want bad things to happen to my friend or cat.

Ok if I’m honest if I shared my uncharitable thoughts about you right now, even though plenty others are thinking the same, I’d get told off and told it wasn’t ok.

genuinely if you do not understand why you can’t share the stuff you do then there is a wider issue at play.

my envy is not malicious... i don't want bad things to befall upon my colleague at work, i just bad cos i didn't get it, and she did

and yes she does deserve it cos shes clever etc. but it's not about who deserves what, it's about what i want etc.

nobody's stopping you from a) judging me b) telling me you judge me

it is ok, I won't be offended cos it's your opinion

it's not about who deserves what, it's about what i want etc.

But it comes across as mean spirited and selfish. Enough about YOU what about ME.

That person deserves their moment in the sun as much as you will when you get there

Being gracious is a great skill and trait

Reacting like you're six and you just lost again at Uno isn't

Think it's about blaming other people and being bitter..
Being sad is one thing.
Blaming others and being bitter over the happiness of others does speak of poor character imo
And more importantly it feeds off itself and readers it much harder to become happy

We can control our emotions though.

Jealousy is a negative and unpleasant emotion. Most people try to keep negative and unpleasant emotions under wraps. It would be a pretty nasty world if we didn't. Just like most people wouldn't grab the last biscuit before offering it around first because they don't want to look like greedy dickheads. I'm totally sure that the people you are talking about have been told off at some point in their lives for displaying jealousy. If you think you are being called out more often than others, it would suggest that you are exhibiting unpleasant characteristics too often and not applying the normal filters.

YourCoolLimeGuide
yeah, but if most of us feel it, why can't we express it

Are you 5? This is like explaining to a child why we can’t all just say things.

It's called boundaries OP

BTW receiving inheritance is not an achievement, it's a privilege, perhaps it is your blind privilege that is irking your friends.

why would privilege annoy you? a lot of achievement is privilege... many accomplished people achieve bc they have high iqs, high social skills, connections, born with good looks etc.

🙄🙄🙄
Really no point discussing this with you OP. I've seen your other threads too.

I get frustrated sometimes when people are told they shouldn’t feel a certain way. This often happens on here, where I actually think letting off steam anonymously is innocuous. Ditto having a moan to an uninvolved friend or family member. Envy is completely normal and human, and we aren’t wrong to feel it.

But voicing it to colleagues, friends and family who might be close to the subject of the envy? That’s completely different since you’re both wallowing in a negative emotion and directing the negativity towards others. There is literally no positive that I can see in doing this and only downsides.

Firstly - I think it’s different to be a bit envious of someone getting family inheritance / a lottery win - which gives them a boost other people don’t get vs. Being mean spirited about someone’s achievements being recognised ahead of yours.

Secondly - it doesn’t matter what other people do - you can choose to be a cheerleader. Whether it’s your friend getting a house (lucky you! It’s glorious! God I wish I could do it too - I’ll live vicariously through you while I’m still saving!) or your colleague getting a promotion (congratulations! Love to buy you a drink some time! I’m working towards x and I’d love your support… etc)

Bring a grumpy arse serves no one. Attitude of gratitude and all that… lean into the positives. Remember people who express envy are only humans doing their best.
stop keeping score - you’ll be so much happier!

You can be envious but still happy for someone.

Whereas you are talking about having actively negative thoughts about someone due to their success/luck. People generally don't announce these feelings as they demonstrate an unpleasant and ungenerous character.

Because it makes you come across as a sour person and not many people would like that. Also as someone who's wasting days of their life envying other people, instead of getting on with trying to find some motivation to achieve, and to change what they dislike about their own life

We aren't saints, jealousy and envy comes to us all at times. But to actually express it and to want to make a big topic out of it - comes across as the type of person to be swerved as nothing good to say/snipy about other people.

Envy is the most pointless emotion ever

I find it easy to be happy for people's 'success' (promotions / houses / nice holidays etc..) if they are nice people and humble about it. But if they come across as smug or bragging then it is definitely harder to feel happy for them .. but I would never tell anyone that was how I felt because it's rude and you're essentially saying you think they don't deserve it.

so you're saying nobody expresses taboo emotions, esp. in front of the subject you are envious about bc:

1. the subject hasn't done anything wrong
2. the people u r moaning to might be close to the subject and feel badly towards you if you express those feelings to them
3. even if the people don't care about the subject, they might think badly of u anyway cos it makes u look meanspritied

You literally answered your own question here.

Thread finished.

We don’t share every thought and feeling we have, it’s often not valuable, doesn’t strengthen relationships and can wear other people down. It also doesn’t make me shine brighter if I’m constantly trying to dull someone else. For that I need to focus on me and my efforts.

I might feel envious of another’s good fortune but that’s about me and it’s my feeling to process. I think being able to cheer on others success is a lovely quality to have - what a friend gains is no loss to me.

Yes

I think firstly you need to be comparing like with like. If your friends were expressing annoyance at the colleague getting a promotion, and did not get called out for their behavior, whereas you were called out for expressing the same opinion, THEN your original post will be fully valid.

As it stands, you’re comparing incidents that are very different, as previous posters have tried to point out multiple times.

You have to decide which kind of person you’d like to be described as: 1) someone who is plain speaking and unapologetically blunt about their feelings and does not need to make friends or 2) someone who is socially acceptable and well regarded for responding in a polite manner regardless of what their inner thoughts are.

Many nuanced social skills are picked up in adult working lives, watching and learning from the people around us. We don’t all learn how to filter envious thoughts in school, but we can certainly learn it from watching others. Being less abrasive usually makes life easier for one. So why insist on being so polarizing? You’re not a standup comedian.