Partner is destroying my life with snoring

[ShutTFUp]

At least once a week now I miss an entire night’s sleep because of partner snoring.

I am self employed and studying and missing full days of work and study, and then having to cancel all plans outside of work to catch up over evenings and weekends. That’s if I manage to catch up.

It’s making me ill.

This week he ‘forgot’ to put his nose thing in and I got about 2 hours’ sleep. He has taken some steps now finally to do something about it, but this is after years of refusing to do anything, which has entrenched all the stress and anxiety around it all through repeated times when meetings, interviews, social events, birthday celebrations, that are really important to me have been ruined or missed.

I feel like I hate him (just feel so angry at this constant pointless chaos and disruption) and wish I lived by myself. I have been taking steps to make this happen but unfortunately on hold for now due to other commitments.

Just venting I suppose and wondering if there is any advice, experience out there and offering solidarity to anyone in the same position!

It's not the snoring that is the end of the relationship, it's the refusal to take responsility or do anything about it; basically he's telling you that he couldn't care less that because of him, you are unable to meet one of your most basic and important needs (i.e. sleep, rest). Definitely leave him. Snoring is hideous for the other partner. Imagine what it would be like to never have to hear him again and get a good night's sleep.

I now have my own bedroom and sleep with white noise/rain sounds. It's been genuinely life changing. I started loving my dh again after about 3 months of separate sleeping. Our relationship has improved hugely. Snoring is really, really awful.

He needs to lose weight. Period.

I feel your pain. I need to sleep with silence around me.

I have Bose sleepbuds - they are much much better than earplugs and worth the cost. But still not comfortable enough to wear every night. I bought a good white noise machine for 40 - 80 GPB. I put it under my pillow - blissful sleeping. You can also play white noise on the phone but not as effective.

Nobody snores on purpose so ignore those idiotic comments about kicking your husband awake and the like.
You mentioned that he put on some weight while lockdown. How many kgs are we talking about? If it was just 2-3 kgs then the body should have been able to adapt just fine. However, if the weight increase was bigger, then you have a very good candidate for the root cause of the issue. If it is more than 10 kgs , I would chance that it most definitely the cause of the issue.
At any rate, your husband has a health problem and he needs to address it.

Update: partner didn’t ‘forget’. He genuinely forgot to put them in the night before (he was a bit ill and not feeling great). And I didn’t wake up that one time. So he decided to give it a try the next night without as it’s more comfortable.

Nice one 👍

As a result I’ve lost an entire day of study (it’s reading week on my masters), missed my exercise class this morning, had to shelve other plans for this week, and feel generally shitty, wretched and angry.

yes, it’s the weight.

may not snore on purpose but likewise if they’re not taking easily achievable steps to make sure it doesn’t happen (so in this case ignored the issue for years and last night didn’t bother wearing snoring aid) then expect limited sympathy

My ex snored. He didn’t when I met him: he was fitter and weighed much less. As soon as the weight went on he snored like a juggernaut.
The relief when we split was immense.
Silence is golden.

Is he overweight?

Has he ever had a sleep study/need a CPAP??

*sorry just saw above he is overweight. There it is

My advice after putting up with this scenario for years is to distinguish between two things. Is he proactively taking steps to try and alleviate this problem, or is he actually only doing so when prodded by you and will do nothing on his own initiative? Because the latter points to more than just a snoring problem. It indicates how much of a shit he gives about you and your sleep/health. This is also the approach he is likely to take with other problems that crop up in your marriage. This is why I agree with the pp above, I don't think divorce is harsh. I had my sleep destroyed by my partner's snoring, then it was other problems that never got dealt with either like disgusting breath and going out until the very early hours and coming in and waking me when we had small children. The resentment built and destroyed the relationship. I am now sick and in pain with autoimmune disorders and who knows if the rage I have suppressed (and not suppressed) over the years has contributed. Please consider your health above all else.

Get yourself some wax earplugs - just a few pounds from Boots. Add an eye mask (I know that doesn’t sound quite right) and you’ll never notice the snoring. I swear by this combination for a good night’s sleep.

I feel your pain @ShutTFUp

My DH was exactly the same and could disturb me from a different bedroom. I threatened to leave him. He finally went to see the Dr.

A steroid spray made no difference (I’m not convinced he could be bothered to use it regularly). He thought that was all the effort that he had to make until I started packing bags for me and the dc.

He has now been diagnosed with sleep apnoea and has a cpap machine. It’s surprisingly quiet and does do the job.

I have got so used to not sharing a bed with him that I still sleep in the spare room at home, but it makes things tolerable when we’re away from home.

Your dp seriously needs to take responsibility for his snoring.

If you read the thread, you’ll know that op is sleeping in a separate room already

My DH had sleep apnea, Cpap machine sorted it, and it's not noisy. He has one with a small water tank, so that the air is monster,you don't end up with a dry mouth.

Yes this was my fault – I should have mentioned all this in the OP before asking for advice!

Sorry if this has already been said but you have to sleep separately.
Me and my DH do this and we are still head over heels for each other. We both sleep better as a result. Do what works for you,

Not at all. Reading threads before replying is a basic courtesy imo.

What's the nose thing he uses ? Asking for a friend 😂

haha! I think they’re called nasal dilators – they’re little wiry things that hold your nostrils open

I eventually ended a relationship with a fiancé because of his snoring. I used to move myself to the sofa. he'd wake up then come and wake me up to come back to bed. I couldn't take anymore in the end.

If you're in the UK - the Boots wax earplugs are the only thing to block out snoring-

After years of struggling, including separate rooms and trying every (affordable) earplug available on the planet, I found two solutions. I don't have a spare £300 to try something that I might not get on with.

1. The best earplugs I could find, which tended to be the Howard Leight ones, with sleephones playing white noise over the top. A bit warm, but worth it. The earplugs both reduce the snoring noise and protect the ear from fairly loud white noise.

2. I was given some Happy Ears earplugs. These actually work, but there is a definite knack to getting them in properly. I gave up after failing for weeks, but had another go and persevered and now I can sleep, even if we have to share a room. And I don't need the white noise.
   The reviews say that a lot of people can't get on with them and I have no idea if it's a case of try, try and try again, or whether there are some people who just can't use them. I thought I was one and I was wrong. Firstly, it's important to get the size right because they really fit in the ear. They come in a pack of 3 different sizes and it's worth paying for them and getting that right. They go in differently from other earplugs - they sort of slide down into the ear canal down the tragus. Once in they form a sort of seal, almost suction, which can be a bit disconcerting, but is OK when you get used to it. When in properly not only is there almost silence, but they are comfortable, almost to the point of not knowing they are there, except for the strange quietness. I can still hear slightly but the snoring is a faint far-off sound that is easily ignored. It's a bit like being hypnotised. I suppose you could wear soft foam earplugs on top of them, as they are so far in the ear, to get total silence. Taking them out is again a little disconcerting as there is a seal to break, but doesn't seem to do any harm.

The other thing is to have separate beds, even if you share a room, as the vibrations travel through the mattress.

Neither solution is 100% perfect, involving a bit of faff, but better than a prison sentence for murder.

I sympathise. Mine goes one step further and wakes himself up snoring then goes to the spare room. Which wakes me up if I'm not already awake. Then he comes back in at about 5am which again wakes me and the puppy who sleeps in his crate in our room up, again if I'm not awake already. I have had insomnia for 25 years so when I'm actually asleep it's pretty important that I say that way or I'm sunk.

I don't think I've slept between 2am and 5am for the last 6 months due to his wandering about. I love him but it's awful.