Partner is destroying my life with snoring

[ShutTFUp]

At least once a week now I miss an entire night’s sleep because of partner snoring.

I am self employed and studying and missing full days of work and study, and then having to cancel all plans outside of work to catch up over evenings and weekends. That’s if I manage to catch up.

It’s making me ill.

This week he ‘forgot’ to put his nose thing in and I got about 2 hours’ sleep. He has taken some steps now finally to do something about it, but this is after years of refusing to do anything, which has entrenched all the stress and anxiety around it all through repeated times when meetings, interviews, social events, birthday celebrations, that are really important to me have been ruined or missed.

I feel like I hate him (just feel so angry at this constant pointless chaos and disruption) and wish I lived by myself. I have been taking steps to make this happen but unfortunately on hold for now due to other commitments.

Just venting I suppose and wondering if there is any advice, experience out there and offering solidarity to anyone in the same position!

Long-term, it sounds like you just want to split up but have put it off. Best not to let that drag on.

Short term, one thing that helped me with disturbed sleep is recognising that any rest is better than none, so even if you're lying in bed and you feel awake, you're still getting some restorative benefit— better than being up and active at least.

This was my grandparents OP. They eventually had to be mature about it and settle on sleeping apart. Their marriage lasted until death do us part and they had 4 kids so no worries there.
Sleep deprivation destroys relationships.

Exactly this.
We have only one life, unless he's got fantastic redeemable attributes put yourself first and ditch him.

In my relationship we usually sleep separately because of my snoring.

Hopeful to resolve at some point but until then...

I snore sadly. I used an app to record myself. I realise I have a deviated septum. I’m not overweight and don’t smoke. Sprays and mouth/nose things just don’t work for me.

She might want to go back to the sleep apnea clinic, my DH’s is almost silent, the only real noise is if his mask has slipped then I can hear the air rushing out.

People tend to remote-diagnose apnoea for snorers because it features in health promotion publicity, or blame fatness because this also features in publicity about obesity. A heavy snorer who is waking up tired or whose blood pressure is rising would be well-advised to talk to their GP about the possibility. Cpap machines are about saving your health, though, not just stopping snoring, they can be quite a burden. But, lots of people snore for no specific reason - often it's to do with how their mouths and throats behave and if they're older.

While partners suffer sleeplessness - and become alert for it so sleep more lightly and become more stressed - assuming it's a fault in the snorer can become a kind of persecution. There may not be a 'cure' and unpleasant 'devices' which supposedly stop it can damage face and teeth - they thrive in the private market because there's no 'cure'. There's a sort of advice mythology about couples needing to share a bed all the time but making the space to sleep separately is by far the best solution if earplugs etc. don't cut it.

Nice!

They didn't let her choose, they just gave her one.

Honestly it sounds like the engine of a ten tonne truck constantly thrumming. I can't sleep in the next room when she has it on!

Tell him he needs to take positive steps to fix it or he has to move out.

Do not underestimate the effect of increased stress and cortisol on your own health.

I think some posters haven't seen the OP's updates about them already sleeping in separate rooms, and that she already wears earplugs.

It sounds like your mum’s mask is leaking, or is not fitting properly. They can make a huge amount of noise when there is a lot of air escaping from them. If your mum got her cpap from a hospital, she should be able to contact them and ask for a review, or for a new mask that fits a lot better.

Not a snoring partner but a noisy road and loud neighbours and I use soundcore Sleep A20 earbuds. They are expensive but worth every penny (not employed by them I swear!). They even have an anti-snore mode which uses white noise to cancel out the frequency of the snoring

Gosh I feel your pain. My mum snores sooo badly, but gets offended and upset if anyone says anything to her. I’m sure it’s a medical issue as she’s not overweight and it starts up as soon as she lays flat and shuts her eyes. The only way I can ever sleep in the same building as her is to use earplugs (Quies) and also play white (or brown) noise loudly on my phone all night in the room I’m sleeping in. Thankfully it’s only an issue for short visits home but I have to say no to any situations involving sharing a room (hotels etc).

Obviously your H needs to sort out having the investigations done (and losing weight if necessary) but in the meantime, I would advise earplugs plus playing background noise loudly in your separate room. Best of luck!!

The annoying thing is, if you split up with him he would probably lose some weight (to make himself more attractive to a new partner) and he would probably make more of an effort to resolve his snoring so his (potential) new partner didn't get the ick the first time she slept over and heard it.

Maybe you should point this out to him.

Does he want to spend the rest of his life alone?

Does he expect women to be leaping at the chance to live their life with an overweight man who makes it impossible to sleep in the same HOUSE as him (not even the same room, I image hotel stays are torturous for you and the other hotel guests 🙄)

If he doesn't want to be single, why isn't he rectifying this problem to keep you?

And what hope does he honestly have of ever getting another partner if he doesn't sort it?

I've looked at her in it. It doesn't look like it's leaking. Because it makes a very different sound when the mask comes off her face (of the air escaping).

It's just the actual machine makes a constant loud engine noise.

It doesn't bother her as she has very bad hearing and cant hear it. But I can't sleep when I visit her.

She lives alone so the machine is fine for her really. She's partially deaf, so she can't hear the noise.

So it suits her!

This is all true, but for this particular situation, the DH's snoring started 3 years ago when he put on a lot of weight.

It's certainly possible he's snoring for no reason at all, or has a deviated septum, or needs a CPAP machine, but Occam's razor would suggest that addressing the weight would a) help figure out whether it IS the weight or not, and b) help a lot with his overall health, unconnected to his snoring.

As per pp, excessive snoring should always be checked out with a sleep study via a doctor / hospital. Sleep apnoea can be mild, moderate or really really bad (where someone is stopping breathing (and waking up) hundreds of times a night). Aside from all the health problems associated with very very broken sleep, when oxygen levels dip below 80 per cent it starts to damage your organs. If this is happening hundreds of times a night it won’t be long before there are major cardiovascular problems - as pp mentioned, eg heart attacks and strokes. It needs urgent attention, I’m afraid!

Thank you! I was thinking about this today. I had about 3 hours disrupted sleep, there was stress all through the night as we ended up not arguing exactly but with a lot of stress between us.

Today I can feel the tension in my body.

A few weeks back I had to attend a day long workshop I’d bought for us both on a couple of hours sleep. I’d been so looking forward to it, looking forward to meeting new people, connecting with the organisers (I was interested in other stuff they’re running), doing the workshop itself. In the event I was knackered and seething the whole day. I felt shitty afterwards as I didn’t feel on top form and felt like I’d not really been myself. The next day I just felt wiped out from the lack of sleep and the tension of the day before. Instead of focusing on study I recouped my energy and ended up having a ‘lazy’ day of zero stress. Then back to work/uni having done nothing with my weekend and feeling flat and wiped out rather than buoyed up!

Sorry bit of an essay but just - ahhh! - it’s really just spoiling everything I’m trying to do!

I was exactly the same. He invested in a mouthguard off Amazon for snoring, the nose things don’t work. It basically keeps his mouth open. I tried various ear plugs too and found these amazing cheap one off temu and I can sleep all night.

There is nothing worse than no sleep and constantly feeling like your treading water/drowning.

https://share.temu.com/54xgvY2qmyA

I should have put this in the OP!

My dad had sleep apnoea and was otherwise fit and healthy and hardly ever drank alcohol. Watching out for it in myself as I do snore sometimes. It can be hereditary.

Thanks, good point, this makes sense

I often end up getting very stressed out so this is good to bear in mind

Sleep deprivation is used as torture for a reason. It's too important for your partner not to do everything he can to try to prevent it. For his own sake as well.

My partner sleeps on a sofa bed downstairs and sometimes it’s still so loud (can hear over tv in bedroom) I have to go down and wake him up. I hoped him sleeping elsewhere might solve the problem but it doesn’t.
he has a mouth guard given to him
by a snoring study and it does work but he finds it uncomfortable and so doesn’t wear it unless it’s a last resort.i worry about what next door must think as the walls are so thin.

OP you have my sympathies - if he’s unwilling to do anything to make it easier for you to sleep then it’s ultimatum time.

Which earplugs do you use ? I use industrial strength ones even though husband sleeps in a separate room and they work well. Mine had tonsills removed and some loose skin at the back of his throat / nose removed but he still snores mainly on a Saturday night when he has beers